The Three Clerks by Anthony Trollope

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'Ah! sherry,' said he, taking up the bottle and putting it down
again. 'Sherry, ah! yes; very good wine, I am sure. You haven't a
drop of rum in the house, have you?'

Mrs. Woodward declared with sorrow that she had not.

'Or Hollands?' said Uncle Bat. But the ladies of Surbiton Cottage
were unsupplied also with Hollands.

'Gin?' suggested the captain, almost in despair.

Mrs. Woodward had no gin, but she could send out and get it; and
the first evening of Captain Cuttwater's visit saw Mrs. Woodward's
own parlour-maid standing at the bar of the Green Dragon, while
two gills of spirits were being measured out for her.

'Only for the respect she owed to Missus,' as she afterwards
declared, 'she never would have so demeaned herself for all the
captains in the Queen's battalions.'

The captain, however, got his grog; and having enlarged somewhat
vehemently while he drank it on the iniquities of those
scoundrels at the Admiralty, took himself off to bed; and left
his character and peculiarities to the tender mercies of his
nieces.

The following day was Friday, and on the Saturday Norman and
Tudor were to come down as a matter of course. During the long
days, they usually made their appearance after dinner; but they
had now been specially requested to appear in good orderly time,
in honour of the captain. Their advent had been of course spoken
of, and Mrs. Woodward had explained to Uncle Bat that her cousin
Harry usually spent his Sundays at Hampton, and that he usually
also brought with him a friend of his, a Mr. Tudor. To all this,
as a matter of course, Uncle Bat had as yet no objection to make.

The young men came, and were introduced with due ceremony.
Surbiton Cottage, however, during dinnertime, was very unlike
what it had been before, in the opinion of all the party there
assembled. The girls felt themselves called upon, they hardly
knew why, to be somewhat less intimate in their manner with the
young men than they customarily were; and Harry and Alaric, with
quick instinct, reciprocated the feeling. Mrs. Woodward, even,
assumed involuntarily somewhat of a company air; and Uncle Bat,
who sat at the bottom of the table, in the place usually assigned
to Norman, was awkward in doing the honours of the house to
guests who were in fact much more at home there than himself.

After dinner the young people strolled out into the garden, and
Katie, as was her wont, insisted on Harry Norman rowing her over
to her damp paradise in the middle of the river. He attempted,
vainly, to induce Gertrude to accompany them. Gertrude was either
coy with her lover, or indifferent; for very few were the
occasions on which she could be induced to gratify him with the
rapture of a _tete-a-tete_ encounter. So that, in fact, Harry
Norman's Sunday visits were generally moments of expected
bliss of which the full fruition was but seldom attained. So
while Katie went off to the island, Alaric and the two girls sat
under a spreading elm tree and watched the little boat as it shot
across the water. 'And what do you think of Uncle Bat?' said
Gertrude.

'Well, I am sure he's a good sort of fellow, and a very, gallant
officer, but--'

'But what?' said Linda.

'It's a thousand pities he should have ever been removed from
Devonport, where I am sure he was both useful and ornamental.'

Both the girls laughed cheerily; and as the sound came across the
water to Norman's ears, he repented himself of his good nature to
Katie, and determined that her sojourn in the favourite island
should, on this occasion, be very short.

'But he is to pay mamma a great deal of money,' said Linda, 'and
his coming will be a great benefit to her in that way.'

'There ought to be something to compensate for the bore,' said
Gertrude.

'We must only make the best of him,' said Alaric. 'For my part, I
am rather fond of old gentlemen with long noses; but it seemed to
me that he was not quite so fond of us. I thought he looked
rather shy at Harry and me.'

Both the girls protested against this, and declared that there
could be nothing in it.

'Well, now, I'll tell you what, Gertrude,' said Alaric, 'I am
quite sure that he looks on me, especially, as an interloper; and
yet I'll bet you a pair of gloves I am his favourite before a
month is over.'

'Oh, no; Linda is to be his favourite,' said Gertrude.

'Indeed I am not,' said Linda. 'I liked him very well till he
drank three huge glasses of gin-and-water last night, but I never
can fancy him after that. You can't conceive, Alaric, what the
drawing-room smelt like. I suppose he'll do the same every
evening.'

'Well, what can you expect?' said Gertrude; 'if mamma will have
an old sailor to live with her, of course he'll drink grog.'

While this was going on in the garden, Mrs. Woodward sat
dutifully with her uncle while he sipped his obnoxious toddy, and
answered his questions about their two friends.

'They were both in the Weights and Measures, by far the most
respectable public office in London,' as she told him, 'and both
doing extremely well there. They were, indeed, young men sure to
distinguish themselves and get on in the world. Had this not been
so, she might perhaps have hesitated to receive them so
frequently, and on such intimate terms, at Surbiton Cottage.'
This she said in a half-apologetic manner, and yet with a feeling
of anger at herself that she should condescend to apologize to
any one as to her own conduct in her own house.

'They are very-nice young men, I am sure,' said Uncle Bat.

'Indeed they are,' said Mrs. Woodward.

'And very civil to the young ladies,' said Uncle Bat.

'They have known them since they were children, uncle; and of
course that makes them more intimate than young men generally are
with young ladies;' and again Mrs. Woodward was angry with
herself for making any excuses on the subject.

'Are they well off?' asked the prudent captain.

'Harry Norman is very well off; he has a private fortune. Both of
them have excellent situations.'

'To my way of thinking that other chap is the better fellow. At
any rate he seems to have more gumption about him.'

'Why, uncle, you don't mean to tell me that you think Harry
Norman a fool?' said Mrs. Woodward. Harry Norman was Mrs.
Woodward's special friend, and she fondly indulged the hope of
seeing him in time become the husband of her elder and favourite
daughter; if, indeed, she can be fairly said to have had a
favourite child.

Captain Cuttwater poured out another glass of rum, and dropped
the subject.

Soon afterwards the whole party came in from the lawn. Katie was
all draggled and wet, for she had persisted in making her way
right across the island to look out for a site for another
palace. Norman was a little inclined to be sulky, for Katie had
got the better of him; when she had got out of the boat, he could
not get her into it again; and as he could not very well leave
her in the island, he had been obliged to remain paddling about,
while he heard the happy voices of Alaric and the two girls from
the lawn. Alaric was in high good-humour, and entered the room
intent on his threatened purpose of seducing Captain Cuttwater's
affections. The two girls were both blooming with happy glee, and
Gertrude was especially bright in spite of the somewhat sombre
demeanour of her lover.

Tea was brought in, whereupon Captain Cuttwater, having taken a
bit of toast and crammed it into his saucer, fell fast asleep in
an arm-chair.

'You'll have very little opportunity to-night,' said Linda,
almost in a whisper.

'Opportunity for what?' asked Mrs. Woodward.

'Hush,' said Gertrude, 'we'll tell you by and by, mamma. You'll
wake Uncle Bat if you talk now.'

'I am so thirsty,' said Katie, bouncing into the room with dry
shoes and stockings on. 'I am so thirsty. Oh, Linda, do give me
some tea.'

'Hush,' said Alaric, pointing to the captain, who was thoroughly
enjoying himself, and uttering sonorous snores at regular fixed
intervals.

'Sit down, Katie, and don't make a noise,' said Mrs. Woodward,
gently.

Katie slunk into a chair, opened wide her large bright eyes,
applied herself diligently to her teacup, and then, after taking
breath, said, in a very audible whisper to her sister, 'Are not
we to talk at all, Linda? That will be very dull, I think.'

'Yes, my dear, you are to talk as much as you please, and as
often as you please, and as loud as you please; that is to say,
if your mamma will let you,' said Captain Cuttwater, without any
apparent waking effort, and in a moment the snoring was going on
again as regularly as before.

Katie looked round, and again opened her eyes and laughed. Mrs.
Woodward said, 'You are very good-natured, uncle.' The girls
exchanged looks with Alaric, and Norman, who had not yet
recovered his good-humour, went on sipping his tea.

As soon as the tea-things were gone, Uncle Bat yawned and shook
himself, and asked if it was not nearly time to go to bed.

'Whenever you like, Uncle Bat,' said Mrs. Woodward, who began to
find that she agreed with Gertrude, that early habits on the part
of her uncle would be a family blessing. 'But perhaps you'll take
something before you go?'

'Well, I don't mind if I do take a thimbleful of rum-and-water.'
So the odious spirit-bottle was again brought into the drawing-
room.

'Did you call at the Admiralty, sir, as you came through town?'
said Alaric.

'Call at the Admiralty, sir!' said the captain, turning sharply
round at the questioner; 'what the deuce should I call at the
Admiralty for? craving the ladies' pardon.'

'Well, indeed, I don't know,' said Alaric, not a bit abashed.
'But sailors always do call there, for the pleasure, I suppose,
of kicking their heels in the lords' waiting-room.'

'I have done with that game,' said Captain Cuttwater, now wide
awake; and in his energy he poured half a glass more rum into his
beaker. 'I've done with that game, and I'll tell you what, Mr.
Tudor, if I had a dozen sons to provide for to-morrow--'

'Oh, I do so wish you had,' said Katie; 'it would be such fun.
Fancy Uncle Bat having twelve sons, Gertrude. What would you call
them all, uncle?'

'Why, I tell you what, Miss Katie, I wouldn't call one of them a
sailor. I'd sooner make tailors of them.'

'Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, gentleman, apothecary,
ploughboy, thief,' said Katie. 'That would only be eight; what
should the other four be, uncle?'

'You're quite right, Captain Cuttwater,' said Alaric, 'at least
as far as the present moment goes; but the time is coming when
things at the Admiralty will be managed very differently.'

'Then I'm d----- if that time can come too soon--craving the
ladies' pardon!' said Uncle Bat.

'I don't know what you mean, Alaric,' said Harry Norman, who was
just at present somewhat disposed to contradict his friend, and
not ill-inclined to contradict the captain also; 'as far as I can
judge, the Admiralty is the very last office the Government will
think of touching.'

'The Government!' shouted Captain Cuttwater; 'oh! if we are to
wait for the Government, the navy may go to the deuce, sir.'

'It's the pressure from without that must do the work,' said
Alaric.

'Pressure from without!' said Norman, scornfully; 'I hate to hear
such trash.'

'We'll see, young gentleman, we'll see,' said the captain; 'it
may be trash, and it may be right that five fellows who never did
the Queen a day's service in their life, should get fifteen
hundred or two thousand a year, and have the power of robbing an
old sailor like me of the reward due to me for sixty years' hard
work. Reward! no; but the very wages that I have actually earned.
Look at me now, d--- me, look at me! Here I am, Captain
Cuttwater--with sixty years' service--and I've done more perhaps
for the Queen's navy than--than--'

'It's too true, Captain Cuttwater,' said Alaric, speaking with a
sort of mock earnestness which completely took in the captain,
but stealing a glance at the same time at the two girls, who sat
over their work at the drawing-room table, 'it's too true; and
there's no doubt the whole thing must be altered, and that soon.
In the first place, we must have a sailor at the head of the
navy.'

'Yes,' said the captain, 'and one that knows something about it
too.'

'You'll never have a sailor sitting as first lord,' said Norman,
authoritatively; 'unless it be when some party man, high in rank,
may happen to have been in the navy as a boy.'

'And why not?' said Captain Cuttwater quite angrily.

'Because the first lord must sit in the Cabinet, and to do that
he must be a thorough politician.'

'D----- politicians! craving the ladies' pardon,' said Uncle Bat.

'Amen!' said Alaric.

Uncle Bat, thinking that he had thoroughly carried his point,
finished his grog, took up his candlestick, and toddled off to
bed.

'Well, I think I have done something towards carrying my point,'
said Alaric.

'I didn't think you were half so cunning,' said Linda, laughing.

'I cannot think how you can condescend to advocate opinions
diametrically opposed to your own convictions,' said Norman,
somewhat haughtily.

'Fee, fo, fum!' said Alaric.

'What is it all about?' said Mrs. Woodward.

'Alaric wants to do all he can to ingratiate himself with Uncle
Bat,' said Gertrude; 'and I am sure he's going the right way to
work,'

'It's very good-natured on his part,' said Mrs. Woodward.

'I don't know what you are talking about,' said Katie, yawning,
'and I think you are all very stupid; so I'll go to bed.'

The rest soon followed her. They did not sit up so late chatting
over the fire this evening, as was their wont on Saturdays,
though none of them knew what cause prevented it.

CHAPTER V

BUSHEY PARK

The next day being Sunday, the whole party very properly went to
church; but during the sermon Captain Cuttwater very improperly
went to sleep, and snored ponderously the whole time. Katie was
so thoroughly shocked that she did not know which way to look;
Norman, who had recovered his good-humour, and Alaric, could not
refrain from smiling as they caught the eyes of the two girls;
and Mrs. Woodward made sundry little abortive efforts to wake her
uncle with her foot. Altogether abortive they were not, for the
captain would open his eyes and gaze at her for a moment in the
most good-natured, lack-lustre manner conceivable; but then, in a
moment, he would be again asleep and snoring, with all the
regularity of a kitchen-clock. This was at first very dreadful to
the Woodwards; but after a month or two they got used to it, and
so apparently did the pastor and the people of Hampton.

After church there was a lunch of course; and then, according to
their wont, they went out to walk. These Sunday walks in general
were matters of some difficulty. The beautiful neighbourhood of
Hampton Court, with its palace-gardens and lovely park, is so
popular with Londoners that it is generally alive on that day
with a thronged multitude of men, women, and children, and thus
becomes not an eligible resort for lovers of privacy. Captain
Cuttwater, however, on this occasion, insisted on seeing the
chestnuts and the crowd, and consequently, they all went into
Bushey Park.

Uncle Bat, who professed himself to be a philanthropist, and who
was also a bit of a democrat, declared himself delighted with what
he saw. It was a great thing for the London citizens to come down
there with their wives and children, and eat their dinners in the
open air under the spreading trees; and both Harry and Alaric
agreed with him. Mrs. Woodward, however, averred that it would
be much better if they would go to church first, and Gertrude
and Linda were of opinion that the Park was spoilt by the dirty
bits of greasy paper which were left about on all sides. Katie
thought it very hard that, as all the Londoners were allowed to
eat their dinners in the Park, she might not have hers there also.
To which Captain Cuttwater rejoined that he should give them a
picnic at Richmond before the summer was over.

All the world knows how such a party as that of our friends by
degrees separates itself into twos and threes, when sauntering
about in shady walks. It was seldom, indeed, that Norman could
induce his Dulcinea to be so complaisant in his favour; but
either accident or kindness on her part favoured him on this
occasion, and as Katie went on eliciting from Uncle Bat fresh
promises as to the picnic, Harry and Gertrude found themselves
together under one avenue of trees, while Alaric and Linda were
equally fortunate, or unfortunate, under another.

'I did so wish to speak a few words to you, Gertrude,' said
Norman; 'but it seems as though, now that this captain has come
among us, all our old habits and ways are to be upset.'

'I don't see that _you_ need say that,' said she. 'We may,
perhaps, be put out a little--that is, mamma and Linda and I; but
I do not see that you need suffer.'

'Suffer--no, not suffer--and yet it is suffering.'

'What is suffering?' said she.

'Why, to be as we were last night--not able to speak to each
other.'

'Come, Harry, you should be a little reasonable,' said she,
laughing. 'If you did not talk last night whose fault was it?'

'I suppose you will say it was my own. Perhaps it was. But I
could not feel comfortable while he was drinking gin-and-water--'

'It was rum,' said Gertrude, rather gravely.

'Well, rum-and-water in your mother's drawing-room, and cursing
and swearing before you and Linda, as though he were in the
cockpit of a man-of-war.'

'Alaric you saw was able to make himself happy, and I am sure he
is not more indifferent to us than you are.'

'Alaric seemed to me to be bent on making a fool of the old man;
and, to tell the truth, I cannot approve of his doing so.'

'It seems to me, Harry, that you do not approve of what any of us
are doing,' said she; 'I fear we are all in your black books--
Captain Cuttwater, and mamma, and Alaric, and I, and all of us.'

'Well now, Gertrude, do you mean to say you think it right that
Katie should sit by and hear a man talk as Captain Cuttwater
talked last night? Do you mean to say that the scene which
passed, with the rum and the curses, and the absurd ridicule
which was thrown on your mother's uncle, was such as should take
place in your mother's drawing-room?'

'I mean to say, Harry, that my mother is the best and only judge
of what should, and what should not, take place there.'

Norman felt himself somewhat silenced by this, and walked on for
a time without speaking. He was a little too apt to take upon
himself the character of Mentor; and, strange to say, he was
aware of his own fault in this particular. Thus, though the
temptation to preach was very powerful, he refrained himself for
a while. His present desire was to say soft things rather than
sharp words; and though lecturing was at this moment much easier
to him than love-making, he bethought himself of his object, and
controlled the spirit of morality which was strong within him.

'But we were so happy before your uncle came,' he said, speaking
with his sweetest voice, and looking at the beautiful girl beside
him with all the love he was able to throw into his handsome
face.

'And we are happy now that he has come--or at any rate ought to
be,' said Gertrude, doing a little in the Mentor line herself,
now that the occasion came in her way.

'Ah! Gertrude, you know very well there is only one thing can
make me happy,' said Harry.

'Why, you unreasonable man! just now you said you were perfectly
happy before Captain Cuttwater came, I suppose the one thing now
necessary is to send him away again.'

'No, Gertrude, the thing necessary is to take you away.'

'What! out of the contamination of poor old Uncle Bat's bottle of
rum? But, Harry, you see it would be cowardly in me to leave
mamma and Linda to suffer the calamity alone.'

'I wonder, Gertrude, whether, in your heart of hearts, you really
care a straw about me,' said Harry, who was now very sentimental
and somewhat lachrymose.

'You know we all care very much about you, and it is very wrong
in you to express such a doubt,' said Gertrude, with a duplicity
that was almost wicked; as if she did not fully understand that
the kind of 'caring' of which Norman spoke was of a very
different nature from the general 'caring' which she, on his
behalf, shared with the rest of her family.

'All of you--yes, but I am not speaking of all of you; I am
speaking of you, Gertrude--you in particular. Can you ever love
me well enough to be my wife?'

'Well, there is no knowing what I may be able to do in three or
four years' time; but even that must depend very much on how you
behave yourself in the mean time. If you get cross because
Captain Cuttwater has come here, and snub Alaric and Linda, as
you did last night, and scold at mamma because she chooses to let
her own uncle live in her own house, why, to tell you the truth,
I don't think I ever shall.'

All persons who have a propensity to lecture others have a strong
constitutional dislike to being lectured themselves. Such was
decidedly the case with Harry Norman. In spite of his strong
love, and his anxious desire to make himself agreeable, his brow
became somewhat darkened, and his lips somewhat compressed. He
would not probably have been annoyed had he not been found fault
with for snubbing his friend Tudor. Why should Gertrude, his
Gertrude, put herself forward to defend his friend? Let her say
what she chose for her mother, or even for her profane, dram-
drinking, vulgar old uncle, but it was too much that she should
take up the cudgels for Alaric Tudor.

'Well,' said he, 'I was annoyed last night, and I must own it. It
grieved me to hear Alaric turning your uncle into ridicule, and
that before your mother's face; and it grieved me to see you and
Linda encourage him. In what Alaric said about the Admiralty he
did not speak truthfully.'

'Do you mean to say that Alaric said what was false?'

'Inasmuch as he was pretending to express his own opinion, he did
say what was false.'

'Then I must and will say that I never yet knew Alaric say a word
that was not true; and, which is more, I am quite sure that he
would not accuse you of falsehood behind your back in a fit of
jealousy.'

'Jealousy!' said Norman, looking now as black as grim death
itself.

'Yes, it is jealousy. It so turned out that Alaric got on better
last night with Captain Cuttwater than you did, and that makes
you jealous.'

'Pish!' said Norman, somewhat relieved, but still sufficiently
disgusted that his lady-love should suppose that he could be
otherwise than supremely indifferent to the opinion of Captain
Cuttwater.

The love-scene, however, was fatally interrupted; and the pair
were not long before they joined the captain, Mrs. Woodward, and
Katie.

And how fared it with the other pair under the other avenue of
chestnuts?

Alaric Tudor had certainly come out with no defined intention of
making love as Harry Norman had done; but with such a companion
it was very difficult for him to avoid it. Linda was much more
open to attacks of this nature than her sister. Not that she was
as a general rule willingly and wilfully inclined to give more
encouragement to lovers than Gertrude; but she had less power of
fence, less skill in protecting herself, and much less of that
naughty self-esteem which makes some women fancy that all love-
making to them is a liberty, and the want of which makes others
feel that all love-making is to them a compliment.

Alaric Tudor had no defined intention of making love; but he had
a sort of suspicion that he might, if he pleased, do so
successfully; and he had no defined intention of letting it
alone. He was a far-seeing, prudent man; for his age perhaps too
prudent; but he was nevertheless fully susceptible of the
pleasure of holding an affectionate, close intercourse with so
sweet a girl as Linda Woodward; and though he knew that marriage
with a girl without a dowry would for him be a death-blow to all
his high hopes, he could hardly resist the temptation of
conjugating the verb to love. Had he been able to choose from the
two sisters, he would probably have selected Gertrude in spite of
what he had said to Norman in the boat; but Gertrude was
bespoken; and it therefore seemed all but unnatural that there
should not be some love passages between him and Linda.

Ah! Mrs. Woodward, my friend, my friend, was it well that thou
shouldst leave that sweet unguarded rosebud of thine to such
perils as these?

They, also, commenced their wooing by talking over Captain
Cuttwater; but they did not quarrel over him. Linda was quite
content to be told by her friend what she ought to do, and how
she ought to think about her uncle; and Alaric had a better way
of laying down the law than Norman. He could do so without
offending his hearer's pride, and consequently was generally
better listened to than his friend, though his law was probably
not in effect so sound.

But they had soon done with Captain Cuttwater, and Alaric had to
choose another subject. Gertrude and Norman were at some distance
from them, but were in sight and somewhat in advance.