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Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series by Anton Chekhov

A >> Anton Chekhov >> Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series

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EFIMOVNA. Hoo, hoo, hoo. ... Gracious heavens! [Covers her face]
Little Savva!

TIHON. What are you frightening them for? A great pleasure! [The
door slams in the wind] Lord Jesus. ... The wind, the wind!

MERIK. [Stretching himself] Eh, to show my strength! [The door
slams again] If I could only measure myself against the wind! Shall
I tear the door down, or suppose I tear up the inn by the roots!
[Gets up and lies down again] How dull!

NAZAROVNA. You'd better pray, you heathen! Why are you so restless?

EFIMOVNA. Don't speak to him, leave him alone! He's looking at us
again. [To MERIK] Don't look at us, evil man! Your eyes are like
the eyes of a devil before cockcrow!

SAVVA. Let him look, pilgrims! You pray, and his eyes won't do you
any harm.

BORTSOV. No, I can't. It's too much for my strength! [Goes up to
the counter] Listen, Tihon, I ask you for the last time. ... Just
half a glass!

TIHON. [Shakes his head] The money!

BORTSOV. My God, haven't I told you! I've drunk it all! Where am I
to get it? And you won't go broke even if you do let me have a drop
of vodka on tick. A glass of it only costs you two copecks, and it
will save me from suffering! I am suffering! Understand! I'm in
misery, I'm suffering!

TIHON. Go and tell that to someone else, not to me. ... Go and ask
the Orthodox, perhaps they'll give you some for Christ's sake, if
they feel like it, but I'll only give bread for Christ's sake.

BORTSOV. You can rob those wretches yourself, I shan't. ... I won't
do it! I won't! Understand? [Hits the bar-counter with his fist] I
won't. [A pause.] Hm ... just wait. ... [Turns to the pilgrim
women] It's an idea, all the same, Orthodox ones! Spare five
copecks! My inside asks for it. I'm ill!

FEDYA. Oh, you swindler, with your "spare five copecks." Won't you
have some water?

BORTSOV. How I am degrading myself! I don't want it! I don't want
anything! I was joking!

MERIK. You won't get it out of him, sir. ... He's a famous
skinflint. ... Wait, I've got a five-copeck piece somewhere. ...
We'll have a glass between us--half each [Searches in his pockets]
The devil ... it's lost somewhere. ... Thought I heard it tinkling
just now in my pocket. ... No; no, it isn't there, brother, it's
your luck! [A pause.]

BORTSOV. But if I can't drink, I'll commit a crime or I'll kill
myself. ... What shall I do, my God! [Looks through the door] Shall
I go out, then? Out into this darkness, wherever my feet take me. ...

MERIK. Why don't you give him a sermon, you pilgrims? And you,
Tihon, why don't you drive him out? He hasn't paid you for his
night's accommodation. Chuck him out! Eh, the people are cruel
nowadays. There's no gentleness or kindness in them. ... A savage
people! A man is drowning and they shout to him: "Hurry up and
drown, we've got no time to look at you; we've got to go to work."
As to throwing him a rope--there's no worry about that. ... A rope
would cost money.

SAVVA. Don't talk, kind man!

MERIK. Quiet, old wolf! You're a savage race! Herods! Sellers of
your souls! [To TIHON] Come here, take off my boots! Look sharp now!

TIHON. Eh, he's let himself go I [Laughs] Awful, isn't it.

MERIK. Go on, do as you're told! Quick now! [Pause] Do you hear me,
or don't you? Am I talking to you or the wall? [Stands up]

TIHON. Well ... give over.

MERIK. I want you, you fleecer, to take the boots off me, a poor
tramp.

TIHON. Well, well ... don't get excited. Here have a glass. ...
Have a drink, now!

MERIK. People, what do I want? Do I want him to stand me vodka, or
to take off my boots? Didn't I say it properly? [To TIHON] Didn't
you hear me rightly? I'll wait a moment, perhaps you'll hear me then.

[There is excitement among the pilgrims and tramps, who half-raise
themselves in order to look at TIHON and MERIK. They wait in silence.]

TIHON. The devil brought you here! [Comes out from behind the bar]
What a gentleman! Come on now. [Takes off MERIK'S boots] You child
of Cain ...

MERIK. That's right. Put them side by side. ... Like that ... you
can go now!

TIHON. [Returns to the bar-counter] You're too fond of being
clever. You do it again and I'll turn you out of the inn! Yes! [To
BORTSOV, who is approaching] You, again?

BORTSOV. Look here, suppose I give you something made of gold. ...
I will give it to you.

TIHON. What are you shaking for? Talk sense!

BORTSOV. It may be mean and wicked on my part, but what am I to do?
I'm doing this wicked thing, not reckoning on what's to come. ...
If I was tried for it, they'd let me off. Take it, only on
condition that you return it later, when I come back from town. I
give it to you in front of these witnesses. You will be my
witnesses! [Takes a gold medallion out from the breast of his coat]
Here it is. ... I ought to take the portrait out, but I've nowhere
to put it; I'm wet all over. ... Well, take the portrait, too! Only
mind this ... don't let your fingers touch that face. ... Please ...
I was rude to you, my dear fellow, I was a fool, but forgive me and ...
don't touch it with your fingers. ... Don't look at that face with
your eyes. [Gives TIHON the medallion.]

TIHON. [Examining it] Stolen property. ... All right, then, drink. ...
[Pours out vodka] Confound you.

BORTSOV. Only don't you touch it ... with your fingers. [Drinks
slowly, with feverish pauses.]

TIHON. [Opens the medallion] Hm ... a lady! ... Where did you get
hold of this?

MERIK. Let's have a look. [Goes to the bar] Let's see.

TIHON. [Pushes his hand away] Where are you going to? You look
somewhere else!

FEDYA. [Gets up and comes to TIHON] I want to look too!

[Several of the tramps, etc., approach the bar and form a group.
MERIK grips TIHON's hand firmly with both his, looks at the
portrait, in the medallion in silence. A pause.]

MERIK. A pretty she-devil. A real lady. ...

FEDYA. A real lady. ... Look at her cheeks, her eyes. ... Open your
hand, I can't see. Hair coming down to her waist. ... It is
lifelike! She might be going to say something. ... [Pause.]

MERIK. It's destruction for a weak man. A woman like that gets a
hold on one and ... [Waves his hand] you're done for!

[KUSMA'S voice is heard. "Trrr. ... Stop, you brutes!" Enter KUSMA.]

KUSMA. There stands an inn upon my way. Shall I drive or walk past
it, say? You can pass your own father and not notice him, but you
can see an inn in the dark a hundred versts away. Make way, if you
believe in God! Hullo, there! [Planks a five-copeck piece down on
the counter] A glass of real Madeira! Quick!

FEDYA. Oh, you devil!

TIHON. Don't wave your arms about, or you'll hit somebody.

KUSMA. God gave us arms to wave about. Poor sugary things, you're
half-melted. You're frightened of the rain, poor delicate things.
[Drinks.]

EFIMOVNA. You may well get frightened, good man, if you're caught
on your way in a night like this. Now, thank God, it's all right,
there are many villages and houses where you can shelter from the
weather, but before that there weren't any. Oh, Lord, it was bad!
You walk a hundred versts, and not only isn't there a village; or a
house, but you don't even see a dry stick. So you sleep on the
ground. ...

KUSMA. Have you been long on this earth, old woman?

EFIMOVNA. Over seventy years, little father.

KUSMA. Over seventy years! You'll soon come to crow's years. [Looks
at BORTSOV] And what sort of a raisin is this? [Staring at BORTSOV]
Sir! [BORTSOV recognizes KUSMA and retires in confusion to a corner
of the room, where he sits on a bench] Semyon Sergeyevitch! Is that
you, or isn't it? Eh? What are you doing in this place? It's not
the sort of place for you, is it?

BORTSOV. Be quiet!

MERIK. [To KUSMA] Who is it?

KUSMA. A miserable sufferer. [Paces irritably by the counter]
Eh? In an inn, my goodness! Tattered! Drunk! I'm upset, brothers ...
upset. ... [To MERIK, in an undertone] It's my master ... our
landlord. Semyon Sergeyevitch and Mr. Bortsov. ... Have you ever
seen such a state? What does he look like? Just ... it's the drink
that brought him to this. ... Give me some more! [Drinks] I come
from his village, Bortsovka; you may have heard of it, it's 200
versts from here, in the Ergovsky district. We used to be his
father's serfs. ... What a shame!

MERIK. Was he rich?

KUSMA. Very.

MERIK. Did he drink it all?

KUSMA. No, my friend, it was something else. ... He used to be
great and rich and sober. ... [To TIHON] Why you yourself used to
see him riding, as he used to, past this inn, on his way to the
town. Such bold and noble horses! A carriage on springs, of the
best quality! He used to own five troikas, brother. ... Five years
ago, I remember, he cam here driving two horses from Mikishinsky,
and he paid with a five-rouble piece. ... I haven't the time, he
says, to wait for the change. ... There!

MERIK. His brain's gone, I suppose.

KUSMA. His brain's all right. ... It all happened because of his
cowardice! From too much fat. First of all, children, because of a
woman. ... He fell in love with a woman of the town, and it seemed
to him that there wasn't any more beautiful thing in the wide
world. A fool may love as much as a wise man. The girl's people
were all right. ... But she wasn't exactly loose, but just ...
giddy ... always changing her mind! Always winking at one! Always
laughing and laughing. ... No sense at all. The gentry like that,
they think that's nice, but we moujiks would soon chuck her out. ...
Well, he fell in love, and his luck ran out. He began to keep
company with her, one thing led to another ... they used to go out
in a boat all night, and play pianos. ...

BORTSOV. Don't tell them, Kusma! Why should you? What has my life
got to do with them?

KUSMA. Forgive me, your honour, I'm only telling them a little ...
what does it matter, anyway. ... I'm shaking all over. Pour out
some more. [Drinks.]

MERIK. [In a semitone] And did she love him?

KUSMA. [In a semitone which gradually becomes his ordinary voice]
How shouldn't she? He was a man of means. ... Of course you'll fall
in love when the man has a thousand dessiatins and money to burn. ...
He was a solid, dignified, sober gentleman ... always the same,
like this ... give me your hand [Takes MERIK'S hand] "How do you do
and good-bye, do me the favour." Well, I was going one evening past
his garden--and what a garden, brother, versts of it--I was going
along quietly, and I look and see the two of them sitting on a seat
and kissing each other. [Imitates the sound] He kisses her once,
and the snake gives him back two. ... He was holding her white,
little hand, and she was all fiery and kept on getting closer and
closer, too. ... "I love you," she says. And he, like one of the
damned, walks about from one place to another and brags, the
coward, about his happiness. ... Gives one man a rouble, and two to
another. ... Gives me money for a horse. Let off everybody's debts. ...

BORTSOV. Oh, why tell them all about it? These people haven't any
sympathy. ... It hurts!

KUSMA. It's nothing, sir! They asked me! Why shouldn't I tell them?
But if you are angry I won't ... I won't. ... What do I care for
them. ... [Post-bells are heard.]

FEDYA. Don't shout; tell us quietly. ...

KUSMA. I'll tell you quietly. ... He doesn't want me to, but it
can't be helped. ... But there's nothing more to tell. They got
married, that's all. There was nothing else. Pour out another drop
for Kusma the stony! [Drinks] I don't like people getting drunk!
Why the time the wedding took place, when the gentlefolk sat down
to supper afterwards, she went off in a carriage ... [Whispers] To
the town, to her lover, a lawyer. ... Eh? What do you think of her
now? Just at the very moment! She would be let off lightly if she
were killed for it!

MERIK. [Thoughtfully] Well ... what happened then?

KUSMA. He went mad. ... As you see, he started with a fly, as they
say, and now it's grown to a bumble-bee. It was a fly then, and
now--it's a bumble-bee. ... And he still loves her. Look at him, he
loves her! I expect he's walking now to the town to get a glimpse
of her with one eye. ... He'll get a glimpse of her, and go back. ...

[The post has driven up to the in.. The POSTMAN enters and has a
drink.]

TIHON. The post's late to-day!

[The POSTMAN pays in silence and goes out. The post drives off, the
bells ringing.]

A VOICE FROM THE CORNER. One could rob the post in weather like
this--easy as spitting.

MERIK. I've been alive thirty-five years and I haven't robbed the
post once. ... [Pause] It's gone now ... too late, too late. ...

KUSMA. Do you want to smell the inside of a prison?

MERIK. People rob and don't go to prison. And if I do go!
[Suddenly] What else?

KUSMA. Do you mean that unfortunate?

MERIK. Who else?

KUSMA. The second reason, brothers, why he was ruined was because
of his brother-in-law, his sister's husband. ... He took it into
his head to stand surety at the bank for 30,000 roubles for his
brother-in-law. The brother-in-law's a thief. ... The swindler
knows which side his bread's buttered and won't budge an inch. ...
So he doesn't pay up. ... So our man had to pay up the whole thirty
thousand. [Sighs] The fool is suffering for his folly. His wife's
got children now by the lawyer and the brother-in-law has bought an
estate near Poltava, and our man goes round inns like a fool, and
complains to the likes of us: "I've lost all faith, brothers! I
can't believe in anybody now!" It's cowardly! Every man has his
grief, a snake that sucks at his heart, and does that mean that he
must drink? Take our village elder, for example. His wife plays
about with the schoolmaster in broad daylight, and spends his money
on drink, .but the elder walks about smiling to himself. He's just
a little thinner ...

TIHON. [Sighs] When God gives a man strength. ...

KUSMA. There's all sorts of strength, that's true. ... Well? How
much does it come to? [Pays] Take your pound of flesh! Good-bye,
children! Good-night and pleasant dreams! It's time I hurried off.
I'm bringing my lady a midwife from the hospital. ... She must be
getting wet with waiting, poor thing. ... [Runs out. A pause.]

TIHON. Oh, you! Unhappy man, come and drink this! [Pours out.]

BORTSOV. [Comes up to the bar hesitatingly and drinks] That means I
now owe you for two glasses.

TIHON. You don't owe me anything? Just drink and drown your sorrows!

FEDYA. Drink mine, too, sir! Oh! [Throws down a five-copeck piece]
If you drink, you die; if you don't drink, you die. It's good not
to drink vodka, but by God you're easier when you've got some!
Vodka takes grief away. ... It is hot!

BORTSOV. Boo! The heat!

MERIK. Dive it here! [Takes the medallion from TIHON and examines
her portrait] Hm. Ran off after the wedding. What a woman!

A VOICE FROM THE CORNER. Pour him out another glass, Tihon. Let him
drink mine, too.

MERIK. [Dashes the medallion to the ground] Curse her! [Goes
quickly to his place and lies down, face to the wall. General
excitement.]

BORTSOV. Here, what's that? [Picks up the medallion] How dare you,
you beast? What right have you? [Tearfully] Do you want me to kill
you? You moujik! You boor!

TIHON. Don't be angry, sir. ... It isn't glass, it isn't
broken. ... Have another drink and go to sleep. [Pours out] Here
I've been listening to you all, and when I ought to have locked up
long ago. [Goes and looks door leading out.]

BORTSOV. [Drinks] How dare he? The fool! [to MERIK] Do you
understand? You're a fool, a donkey!

SAVVA. Children! If you please! Stop that talking! What's the good
of making a noise? Let people go to sleep.

TIHON. Lie down, lie down ... be quiet! [Goes behind the counter
and locks the till] It's time to sleep.

FEDYA. It's time! [Lies down] Pleasant dreams, brothers!

MERIK. [Gets up and spreads his short fur and coat the bench] Come
on, lie down, sir.

TIHON. And where will you sleep.

MERIK. Oh, anywhere. ... The floor will do. ... [Spreads a coat on
the floor] It's all one to me [Puts the axe by him] It would be
torture for him to sleep on the floor. He's used to silk and down. ...

TIHON. [To BORTSOV] Lie down, your honour! You've looked at that
portrait long enough. [Puts out a candle] Throw it away!

BORTSOV. [Swaying about] Where can I lie down?

TIHON. In the tramp's place! Didn't you hear him giving it up to
you?

BORTSOV. [Going up to the vacant place] I'm a bit ... drunk ...
after all that. ... Is this it? ... Do I lie down here? Eh?

TIHON. Yes, yes, lie down, don't be afraid. [Stretches himself out
on the counter.]

BORTSOV. [Lying down] I'm ... drunk. ... Everything's going round. ...
[Opens the medallion] Haven't you a little candle? [Pause] You're a
queer little woman Masha. ... Looking at me out of the frame and
laughing. ... [Laughs] I'm drunk! And should you laugh at a man
because he's drunk? You look out, as Schastlivtsev says, and ...
love the drunkard.

FEDYA. How the wind howls. It's dreary!

BORTSOV. [Laughs] What a woman. ... Why do you keep on going round?
I can't catch you!

MERIK. He's wandering. Looked too long at the portrait. [Laughs]
What a business! Educated people go and invent all sorts of
machines and medicines, but there hasn't yet been a man wise enough
to invent a medicine against the female sex. ... They try to cure
every sort of disease, and it never occurs to them that more people
die of women than of disease. ... Sly, stingy, cruel, brainless. ...
The mother-in-law torments the bride and the bride makes things
square by swindling the husband ... and there's no end to it. ...

TIHON. The women have ruffled his hair for him, and so he's
bristly.

MERIK. It isn't only I. ... From the beginning of the ages, since
the world has been in existence, people have complained. ... It's
not for nothing that in the songs and stories, the devil and the
woman are put side by side. ... Not for nothing! It's half true, at
any rate ... [Pause] Here's the gentleman playing the fool, but I
had more sense, didn't I, when I left my father and mother, and
became a tramp?

FEDYA. Because of women?

MERIK. Just like the gentleman ... I walked about like one of the
damned, bewitched, blessing my stars ... on fire day and night,
until at last my eyes were opened ... It wasn't love, but just a
fraud. ...

FEDYA. What did you do to her?

MERIK. Never you mind. ... [Pause] Do you think I killed her? ...
I wouldn't do it. ... If you kill, you are sorry for it. ... She
can live and be happy! If only I'd never set eyes on you, or if I
could only forget you, you viper's brood! [A knocking at the door.]

TIHON. Whom have the devils brought. ... Who's there? [Knocking]
Who knocks? [Gets up and goes to the door] Who knocks? Go away,
we've locked up!

A VOICE. Please let me in, Tihon. The carriage-spring's broken! Be
a father to me and help me! If I only had a little string to tie it
round with, we'd get there somehow or other.

TIHON. Who are you?

THE VOICE. My lady is going to Varsonofyev from the town. ... It's
only five versts farther on . ... Do be a good man and help!

TIHON. Go and tell the lady that if she pays ten roubles she can
have her string and we'll mend the spring.

THE VOICE. Have you gone mad, or what? Ten roubles! You mad dog!
Profiting by our misfortunes!

TIHON. Just as you like. ... You needn't if you don't want to.

THE VOICE. Very well, wait a bit. [Pause] She says, all right.

TIHON. Pleased to hear it!

[Opens door. The COACHMAN enters.]

COACHMAN. Good evening, Orthodox people! Well, give me the string!
Quick! Who'll go and help us, children? There'll be something left
over for your trouble!

TIHON. There won't be anything left over. ... Let them sleep, the
two of us can manage.

COACHMAN. Foo, I am tired! It's cold, and there's not a dry spot in
all the mud. ... Another thing, dear. ... Have you got a little
room in here for the lady to warm herself in? The carriage is all
on one side, she can't stay in it. ...

TIHON. What does she want a room for? She can warm herself in here,
if she's cold. ... We'll find a place [Clears a space next to
BORTSOV] Get up, get up! Just lie on the floor for an hour, and let
the lady get warm. [To BORTSOV] Get up, your honour! Sit up!
[BORTSOV sits up] Here's a place for you. [Exit COACHMAN.]

FEDYA. Here's a visitor for you, the devil's brought her! Now
there'll be no sleep before daylight.

TIHON. I'm sorry I didn't ask for fifteen. ... She'd have given
them. ... [Stands expectantly before the door] You're a delicate
sort of people, I must say. [Enter MARIA EGOROVNA, followed by the
COACHMAN. TIHON bows.] Please, your highness! Our room is very
humble, full of blackbeetles! But don't disdain it!

MARIA EGOROVNA. I can't see anything. ... Which way do I go?

TIHON. This way, your highness! [Leads her to the place next to
BORTSOV] This way, please. [Blows on the place] I haven't any
separate rooms, excuse me, but don't you be afraid, madam, the
people here are good and quiet. ...

MARIA EGOROVNA. [Sits next to BORTSOV] How awfully stuffy! Open the
door, at any rate!

TIHON. Yes, madam. [Runs and opens the door wide.]

MARIA. We're freezing, and you open the door! [Gets up and slams
it] Who are you to be giving orders? [Lies down]

TIHON. Excuse me, your highness, but we've a little fool here ... a
bit cracked. ... But don't you be frightened, he won't do you any
harm. ... Only you must excuse me, madam, I can't do this for ten
roubles. ... Make it fifteen.

MARIA EGOROVNA. Very well, only be quick.

TIHON. This minute ... this very instant. [Drags some string out
from under the counter] This minute. [A pause.]

BORTSOV. [Looking at MARIA EGOROVNA] Marie ... Masha ...

MARIA EGOROVNA. [Looks at BORTSOV] What's this?

BORTSOV. Marie ... is it you? Where do you come from? [MARIA
EGOROVNA recognizes BORTSOV, screams and runs off into the centre
of the floor. BORTSOV follows] Marie, it is I ... I [Laughs loudly]
My wife! Marie! Where am I? People, a light!

MARIA EGOROVNA. Get away from me! You lie, it isn't you! It can't
be! [Covers her face with her hands] It's a lie, it's all nonsense!

BORTSOV. Her voice, her movements. ... Marie, it is I! I'll stop in
a moment. ... I was drunk. ... My head's going round. ... My God!
Stop, stop. ... I can't understand anything. [Yells] My wife!
[Falls at her feet and sobs. A group collects around the husband
and wife.]

MARIA EGOROVNA. Stand back! [To the COACHMAN] Denis, let's go! I
can't stop here any longer!

MERIK. [Jumps up and looks her steadily in the face] The portrait!
[Grasps her hand] It is she! Eh, people, she's the gentleman's
wife!

MARIA EGOROVNA. Get away, fellow! [Tries to tear her hand away from
him] Denis, why do you stand there staring? [DENIS and TIHON run up
to her and get hold of MERIK'S arms] This thieves' kitchen! Let go
my hand! I'm not afraid! ... Get away from me!

MERIK. [Note: Throughout this speech, in the original, Merik uses
the familiar second person singular.] Wait a bit, and I'll let go. ...
Just let me say one word to you. ... One word, so that you may
understand. ... Just wait. ... [Turns to TIHON and DENIS] Get away,
you rogues, let go! I shan't let you go till I've had my say! Stop ...
one moment. [Strikes his forehead with his fist] No, God hasn't
given me the wisdom! I can't think of the word for you!

MARIA EGOROVNA. [Tears away her hand] Get away! Drunkards ... let's
go, Denis!

[She tries to go out, but MERIK blocks the door.]

MERIK. Just throw a glance at him, with only one eye if you like!
Or say only just one kind little word to him! God's own sake!

MARIA EGOROVNA. Take away this ... fool.

MERIK. Then the devil take you, you accursed woman!

[He swings his axe. General confusion. Everybody jumps up noisily
and with cries of horror. SAVVA stands between MERIK and MARIA
EGOROVNA. ... DENIS forces MERIK to one side and carries out his
mistress. After this all stand as if turned to stone. A prolonged
pause. BORTSOV suddenly waves his hands in the air.]

BORTSOV. Marie ... where are you, Marie!

NAZAROVNA. My God, my God! You've torn up my your murderers! What
an accursed night!

MERIK. [Lowering his hand; he still holds the axe] Did I kill her
or no?

HIGH ROAD

TIHON. Thank God, your head is safe. ...

MERIK. Then I didn't kill her. ... [Totters to his bed] Fate hasn't
sent me to my death because of a stolen axe. ... [Falls down and
sobs] Woe! Woe is me! Have pity on me, Orthodox people!

Curtain.



THE PROPOSAL

CHARACTERS

STEPAN STEPANOVITCH CHUBUKOV, a landowner
NATALYA STEPANOVNA, his daughter, twenty-five years old
IVAN VASSILEVITCH LOMOV, a neighbour of Chubukov, a large and
hearty, but very suspicious landowner

The scene is laid at CHUBUKOV's country-house

THE PROPOSAL

A drawing-room in CHUBUKOV'S house.

[LOMOV enters, wearing a dress-jacket and white gloves. CHUBUKOV
rises to meet him.]

CHUBUKOV. My dear fellow, whom do I see! Ivan Vassilevitch! I am
extremely glad! [Squeezes his hand] Now this is a surprise, my
darling ... How are you?

LOMOV. Thank you. And how may you be getting on?

CHUBUKOV. We just get along somehow, my angel, to your prayers, and
so on. Sit down, please do. ... Now, you know, you shouldn't forget
all about your neighbours, my darling. My dear fellow, why are you
so formal in your get-up? Evening dress, gloves, and so on. Can you
be going anywhere, my treasure?

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A Stephen King fan has published an 80-page version of the book which novelist Jack Torrance obsessively writes during King's The Shining, where his descent into madness is revealed when his wife discovers that his work consists of just one phrase, endlessly repeated.

Torrance, played by Jack Nicholson in terrifying form in Stanley Kubrick's 1980 film, is a frustrated writer who goes with his wife and son to spend the winter in the isolated Overlook Hotel in an attempt to get the novel he has always wanted to write started. But the hotel's grisly past and unquiet ghosts have their way with him, and his wife Wendy eventually finds that the manuscript he has been working on actually only contains the phrase "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", typed over and over again.

Now New York artist Phil Buehler, who describes himself as "a big fan of Stanley Kubrick and Stephen King", has self-published a book credited to Torrance, repeating the phrase throughout but formatting each page differently, using the words to create different shapes from zigzags to spirals.

"The idea has probably been marinating for years, because I loved the movie and the Stephen King book," said Buehler. "I'd just finished my own obsessive art project [and] it was an idea I had over the Christmas holidays."

He said he decided to stick to type and formatting that could have been created on a typewriter, with the first ten pages duplicating shots of Torrance's work from the film. "I thought 'if he continues to get crazier, what would those pages look like?'" he said. "I hit writer's block about 60 pages in, and I had to get to 80 - that went on for about a week." His fiancée, who had neither read the book nor seen the film, became a little concerned about his actions. "I finally showed her the movie, and she realised I wasn't really losing it," said Buehler.

He's included a spoof review from the blog OverThinkingIt.com on the book's back jacket, which compares it to "the best of Beckett" in its "lack of forward momentum", and considers the struggles of the author, "heroically pitting himself against the Sisyphusean sentence". "It's that metatextual struggle of Man vs. Typewriter that gives this book its spellbinding power," the review says. "Some will dismiss it as simplistic; that's like dismissing a Pollack canvas as mere splatters of paint."

So far, Buehler says that around 1,000 people have viewed the book, for sale on Blurb.com for $8.95 in paperback, or $22.95 in hardback, and he's sold "a few" copies, with sales now starting to pick up steam. "A few people have asked me to sign it - they're looking it as a piece of art rather than a funny thing to give to a Kubrick fan," he said. "If you're not a Kubrick or King fan, you might not even get it."

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