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Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series by Anton Chekhov

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[Enter NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA and APLOMBOV.]

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. You had much better be dancing than upsetting
me with your speeches.

APLOMBOV. I'm not a Spinosa or anybody of that sort, to go making
figures-of-eight with my legs. I am a serious man, and I have a
character, and I see no amusement in empty pleasures. But it isn't
just a matter of dances. You must excuse me, maman, but there is a
good deal in your behaviour which I am unable to understand. For
instance, in addition to objects of domestic importance, you
promised also to give me, with your daughter, two lottery tickets.
Where are they?

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. My head's aching a little ... I expect it's
on account of the weather. ... If only it thawed!

APLOMBOV. You won't get out of it like that. I only found out to-day
that those tickets are in pawn. You must excuse me, _maman_, but
it's only swindlers who behave like that. I'm not doing this out of
egoisticism [Note: So in the original]--I don't want your tickets--
but on principle; and I don't allow myself to be done by anybody. I
have made your daughter happy, and if you don't give me the tickets
to-day I'll make short work of her. I'm an honourable man!

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Looks round the table and counts up the
covers] One, two, three, four, five ...

A WAITER. The cook asks if you would like the ices served with rum,
madeira, or by themselves?

APLOMBOV. With rum. And tell the manager that there's not enough
wine. Tell him to prepare some more Haut Sauterne. [To NASTASYA
TIMOFEYEVNA] You also promised and agreed that a general was to be
here to supper. And where is he?

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. That isn't my fault, my dear.

APLOMBOV. Whose fault, then?

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. It's Andrey Andreyevitch's fault. ...
Yesterday he came to see us and promised to bring a perfectly real
general. [Sighs] I suppose he couldn't find one anywhere, or he'd
have brought him. ... You think we don't mind? We'd begrudge our
child nothing. A general, of course ...

APLOMBOV. But there's more. ... Everybody, including yourself,
_maman_, is aware of the fact that Yats, that telegraphist, was
after Dashenka before I proposed to her. Why did you invite him?
Surely you knew it would be unpleasant for me?

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Oh, how can you? Epaminond Maximovitch was
married himself only the other day, and you've already tired me and
Dashenka out with your talk. What will you be like in a year's
time? You are horrid, really horrid.

APLOMBOV. Then you don't like to hear the truth? Aha! Oh, oh! Then
behave honourably. I only want you to do one thing, be honourable!

[Couples dancing the _grand ronde_ come in at one door and out at
the other end. The first couple are DASHENKA with one of the
GROOMSMEN. The last are YATS and ZMEYUKINA. These two remain
behind. ZHIGALOV and DIMBA enter and go up to the table.]

GROOMSMAN. [Shouting] Promenade! Messieurs, promenade! [Behind]
Promenade!

[The dancers have all left the scene.]

YATS. [To ZMEYUKINA] Have pity! Have pity, adorable Anna
Martinovna.

ZMEYUKINA. Oh, what a man! ... I've already told you that I've no
voice to-day.

YATS. I implore you to sing! Just one note! Have pity! Just one
note!

ZMEYUKINA. I'm tired of you. ... [Sits and fans herself.]

YATS. No, you're simply heartless! To be so cruel--if I may express
myself--and to have such a beautiful, beautiful voice! With such a
voice, if you will forgive my using the word, you shouldn't be a
midwife, but sing at concerts, at public gatherings! For example,
how divinely you do that _fioritura_ ... that ... [Sings] "I loved
you; love was vain then. ..." Exquisite!

ZMEYUKINA. [Sings] "I loved you, and may love again." Is that it?

YATS. That's it! Beautiful!

ZMEYUKINA. No, I've no voice to-day. ... There, wave this fan for
me ... it's hot! [To APLOMBOV] Epaminond Maximovitch, why are you
so melancholy? A bridegroom shouldn't be! Aren't you ashamed of
yourself, you wretch? Well, what are you so thoughtful about?

APLOMBOV. Marriage is a serious step! Everything must be considered
from all sides, thoroughly.

ZMEYUKINA. What beastly sceptics you all are! I feel quite
suffocated with you all around. ... Give me atmosphere! Do you
hear? Give me atmosphere! [Sings a few notes.]

YATS. Beautiful! Beautiful!

ZMEYUKINA. Fan me, fan me, or I feel I shall have a heart attack in
a minute. Tell me, please, why do I feel so suffocated?

YATS. It's because you're sweating. ...

ZMEYUKINA. Foo, how vulgar you are! Don't dare to use such words!

YATS. Beg pardon! Of course, you're used, if I may say so, to
aristocratic society and. ...

ZMEYUKINA. Oh, leave me alone! Give me poetry, delight! Fan me, fan
me!

ZHIGALOV. [To DIMBA] Let's have another, what? [Pours out] One can
always drink. So long only, Harlampi Spiridonovitch, as one doesn't
forget one's business. Drink and be merry. ... And if you can drink
at somebody else's expense, then why not drink? You can drink. ...
Your health! [They drink] And do you have tigers in Greece?

DIMBA. Yes.

ZHIGALOV. And lions?

DIMBA. And lions too. In Russia zere's nussing, and in Greece
zere's everysing--my fazer and uncle and brozeres--and here zere's
nussing.

ZHIGALOV. H'm. ... And are there whales in Greece?

DIMBA. Yes, everysing.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [To her husband] What are they all eating and
drinking like that for? It's time for everybody to sit down to
supper. Don't keep on shoving your fork into the lobsters. ...
They're for the general. He may come yet. ...

ZHIGALOV. And are there lobsters in Greece?

DIMBA. Yes ... zere is everysing.

ZHIGALOV. Hm. ... And Civil Servants.

ZMEYUKINA. I can imagine what the atmosphere is like in Greece!

ZHIGALOV. There must be a lot of swindling. The Greeks are just
like the Armenians or gipsies. They sell you a sponge or a goldfish
and all the time they are looking out for a chance of getting
something extra out of you. Let's have another, what?

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. What do you want to go on having another for?
It's time everybody sat down to supper. It's past eleven.

ZHIGALOV. If it's time, then it's time. Ladies and gentlemen,
please! [Shouts] Supper! Young people!

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Dear visitors, please be seated!

ZMEYUKINA. [Sitting down at the table] Give me poetry.
"And he, the rebel, seeks the storm,
As if the storm can give him peace."
Give me the storm!

YATS. [Aside] Wonderful woman! I'm in love! Up to my ears!

[Enter DASHENKA, MOZGOVOY, GROOMSMEN, various ladies and gentlemen,
etc. They all noisily seat themselves at the table. There is a
minute's pause, while the band plays a march.]

MOZGOVOY. [Rising] Ladies and gentlemen! I must tell you this. ...
We are going to have a great many toasts and speeches. Don't let's
wait, but begin at once. Ladies and gentlemen, the newly married!

[The band plays a flourish. Cheers. Glasses are touched. APLOMBOV
and DASHENKA kiss each other.]

YATS. Beautiful! Beautiful! I must say, ladies and gentlemen,
giving honour where it is due, that this room and the accommodation
generally are splendid! Excellent, wonderful! Only you know,
there's one thing we haven't got--electric light, if I may say so!
Into every country electric light has already been introduced, only
Russia lags behind.

ZHIGALOV. [Meditatively] Electricity ... h'm. ... In my opinion
electric lighting is just a swindle. ... They put a live coal in
and think you don't see them! No, if you want a light, then you
don't take a coal, but something real, something special, that you
can get hold of! You must have a fire, you understand, which is
natural, not just an invention!

YATS. If you'd ever seen an electric battery, and how it's made up,
you'd think differently.

ZHIGALOV. Don't want to see one. It's a swindle, a fraud on the
public. ... They want to squeeze our last breath out of us. ... We
know then, these ... And, young man, instead of defending a
swindle, you would be much better occupied if you had another
yourself and poured out some for other people--yes!

APLOMBOV. I entirely agree with you, papa. Why start a learned
discussion? I myself have no objection to talking about every
possible scientific discovery, but this isn't the time for all that!
[To DASHENKA] What do you think, _ma chere_?

DASHENKA. They want to show how educated they are, and so they
always talk about things we can't understand.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Thank God, we've lived our time without being
educated, and here we are marrying off our third daughter to an
honest man. And if you think we're uneducated, then what do you
want to come here for? Go to your educated friends!

YATS. I, Nastasya Timofeyevna, have always held your family in
respect, and if I did start talking about electric lighting it
doesn't mean that I'm proud. I'll drink, to show you. I have always
sincerely wished Daria Evdokimovna a good husband. In these days,
Nastasya Timofeyevna, it is difficult to find a good husband.
Nowadays everybody is on the look-out for a marriage where there is
profit, money. ...

APLOMBOV. That's a hint!

YATS. [His courage failing] I wasn't hinting at anything. ...
Present company is always excepted. ... I was only in general. ...
Please! Everybody knows that you're marrying for love ... the dowry
is quite trifling.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. No, it isn't trifling! You be careful what
you say. Besides a thousand roubles of good money, we're giving
three dresses, the bed, and all the furniture. You won't find
another dowry like that in a hurry!

YATS. I didn't mean ... The furniture's splendid, of course, and ...
and the dresses, but I never hinted at what they are getting
offended at.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Don't you go making hints. We respect you on
account of your parents, and we've invited you to the wedding, and
here you go talking. If you knew that Epaminond Maximovitch was
marrying for profit, why didn't you say so before? [Tearfully] I
brought her up, I fed her, I nursed her. ... I cared for her more
than if she was an emerald jewel, my little girl. ...

APLOMBOV. And you go and believe him? Thank you so much! I'm very
grateful to you! [To YATS] And as for you, Mr. Yats, although you
are acquainted with me, I shan't allow you to behave like this in
another's house. Please get out of this!

YATS. What do you mean?

APLOMBOV. I want you to be as straightforward as I am! In short,
please get out! [Band plays a flourish]

THE GENTLEMEN. Leave him alone! Sit down! Is it worth it! Let him
be! Stop it now!

YATS. I never ... I ... I don't understand. ... Please, I'll go. ...
Only you first give me the five roubles which you borrowed from
me last year on the strength of a _pique_ waistcoat, if I may say
so. Then I'll just have another drink and ... go, only give me the
money first.

VARIOUS GENTLEMEN. Sit down! That's enough! Is it worth it, just
for such trifles?

A GROOMSMAN. [Shouts] The health of the bride's parents, Evdokim
Zaharitch and Nastasya Timofeyevna! [Band plays a flourish.
Cheers.]

ZHIGALOV. [Bows in all directions, in great emotion] I thank you!
Dear guests! I am very grateful to you for not having forgotten and
for having conferred this honour upon us without being standoffish
And you must not think that I'm a rascal, or that I'm trying to
swindle anybody. I'm speaking from my heart--from the purity of my
soul! I wouldn't deny anything to good people! We thank you very
humbly! [Kisses.]

DASHENKA. [To her mother] Mama, why are you crying? I'm so happy!

APLOMBOV. _Maman_ is disturbed at your coming separation. But I
should advise her rather to remember the last talk we had.

YATS. Don't cry, Nastasya Timofeyevna! Just think what are human
tears, anyway? Just petty psychiatry, and nothing more!

ZMEYUKINA. And are there any red-haired men in Greece?

DIMBA. Yes, everysing is zere.

ZHIGALOV. But you don't have our kinds of mushroom.

DIMBA. Yes, we've got zem and everysing.

MOZGOVOY. Harlampi Spiridonovitch, it's your turn to speak! Ladies
and gentlemen, a speech!

ALL. [To DIMBA] Speech! speech! Your turn!

DIMBA. Why? I don't understand. ... What is it!

ZMEYUKINA. No, no! You can't refuse! It's you turn! Get up!

DIMBA. [Gets up, confused] I can't say what ... Zere's Russia and
zere's Greece. Zere's people in Russia and people in Greece. ...
And zere's people swimming the sea in karavs, which mean sips, and
people on the land in railway trains. I understand. We are Greeks
and you are Russians, and I want nussing. ... I can tell you ...
zere's Russia and zere's Greece ...

[Enter NUNIN.]

NUNIN. Wait, ladies and gentlemen, don't eat now! Wait! Just one
minute, Nastasya Timofeyevna! Just come here, if you don't mind!
[Takes NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA aside, puffing] Listen ... The
General's coming ... I found one at last. ... I'm simply worn out. ...
A real General, a solid one--old, you know, aged perhaps eighty, or
even ninety.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. When is he coming?

NUNIN. This minute. You'll be grateful to me all your life. [Note:
A few lines have been omitted: they refer to the "General's" rank
and its civil equivalent in words for which the English language
has no corresponding terms. The "General" is an ex-naval officer, a
second-class captain.]

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. You're not deceiving me, Andrey darling?

NUNIN. Well, now, am I a swindler? You needn't worry!

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Sighs] One doesn't like to spend money for
nothing, Andrey darling!

NUNIN. Don't you worry! He's not a general, he's a dream! [Raises
his voice] I said to him: "You've quite forgotten us, your
Excellency! It isn't kind of your Excellency to forget your old
friends! Nastasya Timofeyevna," I said to him, "she's very annoyed
with you about it!" [Goes and sits at the table] And he says to me:
"But, my friend, how can I go when I don't know the bridegroom?"
"Oh, nonsense, your excellency, why stand on ceremony? The
bridegroom," I said to him, "he's a fine fellow, very free and
easy. He's a valuer," I said, "at the Law courts, and don't you
think, your excellency, that he's some rascal, some knave of
hearts. Nowadays," I said to him, "even decent women are employed
at the Law courts." He slapped me on the shoulder, we smoked a
Havana cigar each, and now he's coming. ... Wait a little, ladies
and gentlemen, don't eat. ...

APLOMBOV. When's he coming?

NUNIN. This minute. When I left him he was already putting on his
goloshes. Wait a little, ladies and gentlemen, don't eat yet.

APLOMBOV. The band should be told to play a march.

NUNIN. [Shouts] Musicians! A march! [The band plays a march for a
minute.]

A WAITER. Mr. Revunov-Karaulov!

[ZHIGALOV, NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA, and NUNIN run to meet him. Enter
REVUNOV-KARAULOV.]

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Bowing] Please come in, your excellency! So
glad you've come!

REVUNOV. Awfully!

ZHIGALOV. We, your excellency, aren't celebrities, we aren't
important, but quite ordinary, but don't think on that account that
there's any fraud. We put good people into the best place, we
begrudge nothing. Please!

REVUNOV. Awfully glad!

NUNIN. Let me introduce to you, your excellency, the bridegroom,
Epaminond Maximovitch Aplombov, with his newly born ... I mean his
newly married wife! Ivan Mihailovitch Yats, employed on the
telegraph! A foreigner of Greek nationality, a confectioner by
trade, Harlampi Spiridonovitch Dimba! Osip Lukitch Babelmandebsky!
And so on, and so on. ... The rest are just trash. Sit down, your
excellency!

REVUNOV. Awfully! Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to
say two words to Andrey. [Takes NUNIN aside] I say, old man, I'm a
little put out. ... Why do you call me your excellency? I'm not a
general! I don't rank as the equivalent of a colonel, even.

NUNIN. [Whispers] I know, only, Fyodor Yakovlevitch, be a good man
and let us call you your excellency! The family here, you see, is
patriarchal; it respects the aged, it likes rank.

REVUNOV. Oh, if it's like that, very well. ... [Goes to the table]
Awfully!

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Sit down, your excellency! Be so good as to
have some of this, your excellency! Only forgive us for not being
used to etiquette; we're plain people!

REVUNOV. [Not hearing] What? Hm ... yes. [Pause] Yes. ... In the
old days everybody used to live simply and was happy. In spite of
my rank, I am a man who lives plainly. To-day Andrey comes to me
and asks me to come here to the wedding. "How shall I go," I said,
"when I don't know them? It's not good manners!" But he says: "They
are good, simple, patriarchal people, glad to see anybody." Well,
if that's the case ... why not? Very glad to come. It's very dull
for me at home by myself, and if my presence at a wedding can make
anybody happy, then I'm delighted to be here. ...

ZHIGALOV. Then that's sincere, is it, your excellency? I respect
that! I'm a plain man myself, without any deception, and I respect
others who are like that. Eat, your excellency!

APLOMBOV. Is it long since you retired, your excellency?

REVUNOV. Eh? Yes, yes. ... Quite true. ... Yes. But, excuse me,
what is this? The fish is sour ... and the bread is sour. I can't
eat this! [APLOMBOV and DASHENKA kiss each other] He, he, he ...
Your health! [Pause] Yes. ... In the old days everything was simple
and everybody was glad. ... I love simplicity. ... I'm an old man.
I retired in 1865. I'm 72. Yes, of course, in my younger days it
was different, but-- [Sees MOZGOVOY] You there ... a sailor, are
you?

MOZGOVOY. Yes, just so.

REVUNOV. Aha, so ... yes. The navy means hard work. There's a lot
to think about and get a headache over. Every insignificant word
has, so to speak, its special meaning! For instance, "Hoist her
top-sheets and mainsail!" What's it mean? A sailor can tell! He,
he!--With almost mathematical precision!

NUNIN. The health of his excellency Fyodor Yakovlevitch Revunov-Karaulov!
[Band plays a flourish. Cheers.]

YATS. You, your excellency, have just expressed yourself on the
subject of the hard work involved in a naval career. But is
telegraphy any easier? Nowadays, your excellency, nobody is
appointed to the telegraphs if he cannot read and write French and
German. But the transmission of telegrams is the most difficult
thing of all. Awfully difficult! Just listen.

[Taps with his fork on the table, like a telegraphic transmitter.]

REVUNOV. What does that mean?

YATS. It means, "I honour you, your excellency, for your virtues."
You think it's easy? Listen now. [Taps.]

REVUNOV. Louder; I can't hear. ...

YATS. That means, "Madam, how happy I am to hold you in my
embraces!"

REVUNOV. What madam are you talking about? Yes. ... [To MOZGOVOY]
Yes, if there's a head-wind you must ... let's see ... you must
hoist your foretop halyards and topsail halyards! The order is: "On
the cross-trees to the foretop halyards and topsail halyards" and
at the same time, as the sails get loose, you take hold underneath
of the foresail and fore-topsail halyards, stays and braces.

A GROOMSMAN. [Rising] Ladies and gentlemen ...

REVUNOV. [Cutting him short] Yes ... there are a great many orders
to give. "Furl the fore-topsail and the foretop-gallant sail!!"
Well, what does that mean? It's very simple! It means that if the
top and top-gallant sails are lifting the halyards, they must level
the foretop and foretop-gallant halyards on the hoist and at the
same time the top-gallants braces, as needed, are loosened
according to the direction of the wind ...

NUNIN. [To REVUNOV] Fyodor Yakovlevitch, Mme. Zhigalov asks you to
talk about something else. It's very dull for the guests, who can't
understand. ...

REVUNOV. What? Who's dull? [To MOZGOVOY] Young man! Now suppose the
ship is lying by the wind, on the starboard tack, under full sail,
and you've got to bring her before the wind. What's the order?
Well, first you whistle up above! He, he!

NUNIN. Fyodor Yakovlevitch, that's enough. Eat something.

REVUNOV. As soon as the men are on deck you give the order, "To
your places!" What a life! You give orders, and at the same time
you've got to keep your eyes on the sailors, who run about like
flashes of lightning and get the sails and braces right. And at
last you can't restrain yourself, and you shout, "Good children!"
[He chokes and coughs.]

A GROOMSMAN. [Making haste to use the ensuing pause to advantage]
On this occasion, so to speak, on the day on which we have met
together to honour our dear ...

REVUNOV. [Interrupting] Yes, you've got to remember all that! For
instance, "Hoist the topsail halyards. Lower the topsail gallants!"

THE GROOMSMAN. [Annoyed] Why does he keep on interrupting? We
shan't get through a single speech like that!

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. We are dull people, your excellency, and
don't understand a word of all that, but if you were to tell us
something appropriate ...

REVUNOV. [Not hearing] I've already had supper, thank you. Did you
say there was goose? Thanks ... yes. I've remembered the old days. ...
It's pleasant, young man! You sail on the sea, you have no worries,
and [In an excited tone of voice] do you remember the joy of
tacking? Is there a sailor who doesn't glow at the memory of that
manoeuvre? As soon as the word is given and the whistle blown and
the crew begins to go up--it's as if an electric spark has run
through them all. From the captain to the cabin-boy, everybody's
excited.

ZMEYUKINA. How dull! How dull! [General murmur.]

REVUNOV. [Who has not heard it properly] Thank you, I've had
supper. [With enthusiasm] Everybody's ready, and looks to the
senior officer. He gives the command: "Stand by, gallants and
topsail braces on the starboard side, main and counter-braces to
port!" Everything's done in a twinkling. Top-sheets and jib-sheets
are pulled ... taken to starboard. [Stands up] The ship takes the
wind and at last the sails fill out. The senior officer orders, "To
the braces," and himself keeps his eye on the mainsail, and when at
last this sail is filling out and the ship begins to turn, he yells
at the top of his voice, "Let go the braces! Loose the main
halyards!" Everything flies about, there's a general confusion for
a moment--and everything is done without an error. The ship has
been tacked!

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Exploding] General, your manners. ... You
ought to be ashamed of yourself, at your age!

REVUNOV. Did you say sausage? No, I haven't had any ... thank you.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. [Loudly] I say you ought to be ashamed of
yourself at your age! General, your manners are awful!

NUNIN. [Confused] Ladies and gentlemen, is it worth it? Really ...

REVUNOV. In the first place, I'm not a general, but a second-class
naval captain, which, according to the table of precedence,
corresponds to a lieutenant-colonel.

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. If you're not a general, then what did you go
and take our money for? We never paid you money to behave like
that!

REVUNOV. [Upset] What money?

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. You know what money. You know that you got 25
roubles from Andrey Andreyevitch. ... [To NUNIN] And you look out,
Andrey! I never asked you to hire a man like that!

NUNIN. There now ... let it drop. Is it worth it?

REVUNOV. Paid ... hired. ... What is it?

APLOMBOV. Just let me ask you this. Did you receive 25 roubles from
Andrey Andreyevitch?

REVUNOV. What 25 roubles? [Suddenly realizing] That's what it is!
Now I understand it all. ... How mean! How mean!

APLOMBOV. Did you take the money?

REVUNOV. I haven't taken any money! Get away from me! [Leaves the
table] How mean! How low! To insult an old man, a sailor, an
officer who has served long and faithfully! If you were decent
people I could call somebody out, but what can I do now? [Absently]
Where's the door? Which way do I go? Waiter, show me the way out!
Waiter! [Going] How mean! How low! [Exit.]

NASTASYA TIMOFEYEVNA. Andrey, where are those 25 roubles?

NUNIN. Is it worth while bothering about such trifles? What does it
matter! Everybody's happy here, and here you go. ... [Shouts] The
health of the bride and bridegroom! A march! A march! [The band
plays a march] The health of the bride and bridegroom!

ZMEYUKINA. I'm suffocating! Give me atmosphere! I'm suffocating
with you all round me!

YATS. [In a transport of delight] My beauty! My beauty! [Uproar.]

A GROOMSMAN. [Trying to shout everybody else down] Ladies and
gentlemen! On this occasion, if I may say so ...

Curtain.



THE BEAR


CHARACTERS

ELENA IVANOVNA POPOVA, a landowning little widow, with dimples on her
cheeks
GRIGORY STEPANOVITCH SMIRNOV, a middle-aged landowner
LUKA, Popova's aged footman


THE BEAR


[A drawing-room in POPOVA'S house.]

[POPOVA is in deep mourning and has her eyes fixed on a photograph.
LUKA is haranguing her.]

LUKA. It isn't right, madam. ... You're just destroying yourself.
The maid and the cook have gone off fruit picking, every living
being is rejoicing, even the cat understands how to enjoy herself
and walks about in the yard, catching midges; only you sit in this
room all day, as if this was a convent, and don't take any
pleasure. Yes, really! I reckon it's a whole year that you haven't
left the house!

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A Stephen King fan has published an 80-page version of the book which novelist Jack Torrance obsessively writes during King's The Shining, where his descent into madness is revealed when his wife discovers that his work consists of just one phrase, endlessly repeated.

Torrance, played by Jack Nicholson in terrifying form in Stanley Kubrick's 1980 film, is a frustrated writer who goes with his wife and son to spend the winter in the isolated Overlook Hotel in an attempt to get the novel he has always wanted to write started. But the hotel's grisly past and unquiet ghosts have their way with him, and his wife Wendy eventually finds that the manuscript he has been working on actually only contains the phrase "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy", typed over and over again.

Now New York artist Phil Buehler, who describes himself as "a big fan of Stanley Kubrick and Stephen King", has self-published a book credited to Torrance, repeating the phrase throughout but formatting each page differently, using the words to create different shapes from zigzags to spirals.

"The idea has probably been marinating for years, because I loved the movie and the Stephen King book," said Buehler. "I'd just finished my own obsessive art project [and] it was an idea I had over the Christmas holidays."

He said he decided to stick to type and formatting that could have been created on a typewriter, with the first ten pages duplicating shots of Torrance's work from the film. "I thought 'if he continues to get crazier, what would those pages look like?'" he said. "I hit writer's block about 60 pages in, and I had to get to 80 - that went on for about a week." His fiancée, who had neither read the book nor seen the film, became a little concerned about his actions. "I finally showed her the movie, and she realised I wasn't really losing it," said Buehler.

He's included a spoof review from the blog OverThinkingIt.com on the book's back jacket, which compares it to "the best of Beckett" in its "lack of forward momentum", and considers the struggles of the author, "heroically pitting himself against the Sisyphusean sentence". "It's that metatextual struggle of Man vs. Typewriter that gives this book its spellbinding power," the review says. "Some will dismiss it as simplistic; that's like dismissing a Pollack canvas as mere splatters of paint."

So far, Buehler says that around 1,000 people have viewed the book, for sale on Blurb.com for $8.95 in paperback, or $22.95 in hardback, and he's sold "a few" copies, with sales now starting to pick up steam. "A few people have asked me to sign it - they're looking it as a piece of art rather than a funny thing to give to a Kubrick fan," he said. "If you're not a Kubrick or King fan, you might not even get it."

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