Plays by Anton Chekhov, Second Series by Anton Chekhov

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Curtain.

A TRAGEDIAN IN SPITE OF HIMSELF

CHARACTERS

IVAN IVANOVITCH TOLKACHOV, the father of a family
ALEXEY ALEXEYEVITCH MURASHKIN, his friend

The scene is laid in St. Petersburg, in MURASHKIN'S flat

A TRAGEDIAN IN SPITE OF HIMSELF

[MURASHKIN'S study. Comfortable furniture. MURASHKIN is seated at
his desk. Enter TOLKACHOV holding in his hands a glass globe for a
lamp, a toy bicycle, three hat-boxes, a large parcel containing a
dress, a bin-case of beer, and several little parcels. He looks
round stupidly and lets himself down on the sofa in exhaustion.]

MURASHKIN. How do you do, Ivan Ivanovitch? Delighted to see you!
What brings you here?

TOLKACHOV. [Breathing heavily] My dear good fellow ... I want to
ask you something. ... I implore you lend me a revolver till
to-morrow. Be a friend!

MURASHKIN. What do you want a revolver for?

TOLKACHOV. I must have it. ... Oh, little fathers! ... give me some
water ... water quickly! ... I must have it ... I've got to go
through a dark wood to-night, so in case of accidents ... do,
please, lend it to me.

MURASHKIN. Oh, you liar, Ivan Ivanovitch! What the devil have you
got to do in a dark wood? I expect you are up to something. I can
see by your face that you are up to something. What's the matter
with you? Are you ill?

TOLKACHOV. Wait a moment, let me breathe. ... Oh little mothers! I
am dog-tired. I've got a feeling all over me, and in my head as
well, as if I've been roasted on a spit. I can't stand it any
longer. Be a friend, and don't ask me any questions or insist on
details; just give me the revolver! I beseech you!

MURASHKIN. Well, really! Ivan Ivanovitch, what cowardice is this?
The father of a family and a Civil Servant holding a responsible
post! For shame!

TOLKACHOV. What sort of a father of a family am I! I am a martyr. I
am a beast of burden, a nigger, a slave, a rascal who keeps on
waiting here for something to happen instead of starting off for
the next world. I am a rag, a fool, an idiot. Why am I alive?
What's the use? [Jumps up] Well now, tell me why am I alive? What's
the purpose of this uninterrupted series of mental and physical
sufferings? I understand being a martyr to an idea, yes! But to be
a martyr to the devil knows what, skirts and lamp-globes, no! I
humbly decline! No, no, no! I've had enough! Enough!

MURASHKIN. Don't shout, the neighbours will hear you!

TOLKACHOV. Let your neighbours hear; it's all the same to me! If
you don't give me a revolver somebody else will, and there will be
an end of me anyway! I've made up my mind!

MURASHKIN. Hold on, you've pulled off a button. Speak calmly. I
still don't understand what's wrong with your life.

TOLKACHOV. What's wrong? You ask me what's wrong? Very well, I'll
tell you! Very well! I'll tell you everything, and then perhaps my
soul will be lighter. Let's sit down. Now listen ... Oh, little
mothers, I am out of breath! ... Just let's take to-day as an
instance. Let's take to-day. As you know, I've got to work at the
Treasury from ten to four. It's hot, it's stuffy, there are flies,
and, my dear fellow, the very dickens of a chaos. The Secretary is
on leave, Khrapov has gone to get married, and the smaller fry is
mostly in the country, making love or occupied with amateur
theatricals. Everybody is so sleepy, tired, and done up that you
can't get any sense out of them. The Secretary's duties are in the
hands of an individual who is deaf in the left ear and in love; the
public has lost its memory; everybody is running about angry and
raging, and there is such a hullabaloo that you can't hear yourself
speak. Confusion and smoke everywhere. And my work is deathly:
always the same, always the same--first a correction, then a
reference back, another correction, another reference back; it's
all as monotonous as the waves of the sea. One's eyes, you
understand, simply crawl out of one's head. Give me some water. ...
You come out a broken, exhausted man. You would like to dine and
fall asleep, but you don't!--You remember that you live in the
country--that is, you are a slave, a rag, a bit of string, a bit of
limp flesh, and you've got to run round and do errands. Where we
live a pleasant custom has grown up: when a man goes to town every
wretched female inhabitant, not to mention one's own wife, has the
power and the right to give him a crowd of commissions. The wife
orders you to run into the modiste's and curse her for making a
bodice too wide across the chest and too narrow across the
shoulders; little Sonya wants a new pair of shoes; your sister-in-law
wants some scarlet silk like the pattern at twenty copecks and
three arshins long. ... Just wait; I'll read you. [Takes a note out
of his pocket and reads] A globe for the lamp; one pound of pork
sausages; five copecks' worth of cloves and cinnamon; castor-oil
for Misha; ten pounds of granulated sugar. To bring with you from
home: a copper jar for the sugar; carbolic acid; insect powder, ten
copecks' worth; twenty bottles of beer; vinegar; and corsets for
Mlle. Shanceau at No. 82. ... Ouf! And to bring home Misha's winter
coat and goloshes. That is the order of my wife and family. Then
there are the commissions of our dear friends and neighbours--devil
take them! To-morrow is the name-day of Volodia Vlasin; I have to
buy a bicycle for him. The wife of Lieutenant-Colonel Virkhin is in
an interesting condition, and I am therefore bound to call in at
the midwife's every day and invite her to come. And so on, and so
on. There are five notes in my pocket and my handkerchief is all
knots. And so, my dear fellow, you spend the time between your
office and your train, running about the town like a dog with your
tongue hanging out, running and running and cursing life. From the
clothier's to the chemist's, from the chemist's to the modiste's,
from the modiste's to the pork butcher's, and then back again to
the chemist's. In one place you stumble, in a second you lose your
money, in a third you forget to pay and they raise a hue and cry
after you, in a fourth you tread on the train of a lady's dress. ...
Tfoo! You get so shaken up from all this that your bones ache all
night and you dream of crocodiles. Well, you've made all your
purchases, but how are you to pack all these things? For instance,
how are you to put a heavy copper jar together with the lamp-globe
or the carbolic acid with the tea? How are you to make a
combination of beer-bottles and this bicycle? It's the labours of
Hercules, a puzzle, a rebus! Whatever tricks you think of, in the
long run you're bound to smash or scatter something, and at the
station and in the train you have to stand with your arms apart,
holding up some parcel or other under your chin, with parcels,
cardboard boxes, and such-like rubbish all over you. The train
starts, the passengers begin to throw your luggage about on all
sides: you've got your things on somebody else's seat. They yell,
they call for the conductor, they threaten to have you put out, but
what can I do? I just stand and blink my eyes like a whacked
donkey. Now listen to this. I get home. You think I'd like to have
a nice little drink after my righteous labours and a good square
meal--isn't that so?--but there is no chance of that. My spouse has
been on the look-out for me for some time. You've hardly started on
your soup when she has her claws into you, wretched slave that you
are--and wouldn't you like to go to some amateur theatricals or to
a dance? You can't protest. You are a husband, and the word husband
when translated into the language of summer residents in the
country means a dumb beast which you can load to any extent without
fear of the interference of the Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Animals. So you go and blink at "A Family Scandal" or
something, you applaud when your wife tells you to, and you feel
worse and worse and worse until you expect an apoplectic fit to
happen any moment. If you go to a dance you have to find partners
for your wife, and if there is a shortage of them then you dance
the quadrilles yourself. You get back from the theatre or the dance
after midnight, when you are no longer a man but a useless, limp
rag. Well, at last you've got what you want; you unrobe and get
into bed. It's excellent--you can close your eyes and sleep. ...
Everything is so nice, poetic, and warm, you understand; there are
no children squealing behind the wall, and you've got rid of your
wife, and your conscience is clear--what more can you want? You
fall asleep--and suddenly ... you hear a buzz! ... Gnats! [Jumps
up] Gnats! Be they triply accursed Gnats! [Shakes his fist] Gnats!
It's one of the plagues of Egypt, one of the tortures of the
Inquisition! Buzz! It sounds so pitiful, so pathetic, as if it's
begging your pardon, but the villain stings so that you have to
scratch yourself for an hour after. You smoke, and go for them, and
cover yourself from head to foot, but it is no good! At last you
have to sacrifice yourself and let the cursed things devour you.
You've no sooner got used to the gnats when another plague begins:
downstairs your wife begins practising sentimental songs with her
two friends. They sleep by day and rehearse for amateur concerts by
night. Oh, my God! Those tenors are a torture with which no gnats
on earth can compare. [He sings] "Oh, tell me not my youth has
ruined you." "Before thee do I stand enchanted." Oh, the beastly
things! They've about killed me! So as to deafen myself a little I
do this: I drum on my ears. This goes on till four o'clock. Oh,
give me some more water, brother! ... I can't ... Well, not having
slept, you get up at six o'clock in the morning and off you go to
the station. You run so as not to be late, and it's muddy, foggy,
cold--brr! Then you get to town and start all over again. So there,
brother. It's a horrible life; I wouldn't wish one like it for my
enemy. You understand--I'm ill! Got asthma, heartburn--I'm always
afraid of something. I've got indigestion, everything is thick
before me ... I've become a regular psychopath. ... [Looking round]
Only, between ourselves, I want to go down to see Chechotte or
Merzheyevsky. There's some devil in me, brother. In moments of
despair and suffering, when the gnats are stinging or the tenors
sing, everything suddenly grows dim; you jump up and race round the
whole house like a lunatic and shout, "I want blood! Blood!" And
really all the time you do want to let a knife into somebody or hit
him over the head with a chair. That's what life in a summer villa
leads to! And nobody has any sympathy for me, and everybody seems
to think it's all as it should be. People even laugh. But
understand, I am a living being and I want to live! This isn't
farce, it's tragedy! I say, if you don't give me your revolver, you
might at any rate sympathize.

MURASHKIN. I do sympathize.

TOLKACHOV. I see how much you sympathize. ... Good-bye. I've got to
buy some anchovies and some sausage ... and some tooth-powder, and
then to the station.

MURASHKIN. Where are you living?

TOLKACHOV. At Carrion River.

MURASHKIN. [Delighted] Really? Then you'll know Olga Pavlovna
Finberg, who lives there?

TOLKACHOV. I know her. We are even acquainted.

MURASHKIN. How perfectly splendid! That's so convenient, and it
would be so good of you ...

TOLKACHOV. What's that?

MURASHKIN. My dear fellow, wouldn't you do one little thing for me?
Be a friend! Promise me now.

TOLKACHOV. What's that?

MURASHKIN. It would be such a friendly action! I implore you, my
dear man. In the first place, give Olga Pavlovna my very kind
regards. In the second place, there's a little thing I'd like you
to take down to her. She asked me to get a sewing-machine but I
haven't anybody to send it down to her by. ... You take it, my
dear! And you might at the same time take down this canary in its
cage ... only be careful, or you'll break the door. ... What are
you looking at me like that for?

TOLKACHOV. A sewing-machine ... a canary in a cage ... siskins,
chaffinches ...

MURASHKIN. Ivan Ivanovitch, what's the matter with you? Why are you
turning purple?

TOLKACHOV. [Stamping] Give me the sewing-machine! Where's the bird-cage?
Now get on top yourself! Eat me! Tear me to pieces! Kill me!
[Clenching his fists] I want blood! Blood! Blood!

MURASHKIN. You've gone mad!

TOLKACHOV. [Treading on his feet] I want blood! Blood!

MURASHKIN. [In horror] He's gone mad! [Shouts] Peter! Maria! Where
are you? Help!

TOLKACHOV. [Chasing him round the room] I want blood! Blood!

Curtain.

THE ANNIVERSARY

CHARACTERS

ANDREY ANDREYEVITCH SHIPUCHIN, Chairman of the N---- Joint Stock
Bank, a middle-aged man, with a monocle
TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA, his wife, aged 25
KUSMA NICOLAIEVITCH KHIRIN, the bank's aged book-keeper
NASTASYA FYODOROVNA MERCHUTKINA, an old woman wearing an old-fashioned
cloak
DIRECTORS OF THE BANK
EMPLOYEES OF THE BANK

The action takes place at the Bank

THE ANNIVERSARY

[The private office of the Chairman of Directors. On the left is a
door, leading into the public department. There are two desks. The
furniture aims at a deliberately luxurious effect, with armchairs
covered in velvet, flowers, statues, carpets, and a telephone. It
is midday. KHIRIN is alone; he wears long felt boots, and is
shouting through the door.]

KHIRIN. Send out to the chemist for 15 copecks' worth of valerian
drops, and tell them to bring some drinking water into the
Directors' office! This is the hundredth time I've asked! [Goes to
a desk] I'm absolutely tired out. This is the fourth day I've been
working, without a chance of shutting my eyes. From morning to
evening I work here, from evening to morning at home. [Coughs] And
I've got an inflammation all over me. I'm hot and cold, and I
cough, and my legs ache, and there's something dancing before my
eyes. [Sits] Our scoundrel of a Chairman, the brute, is going to
read a report at a general meeting. "Our Bank, its Present and
Future." You'd think he was a Gambetta. ... [At work] Two ... one ...
one ... six ... nought ... seven. ... Next, six ... nought ...
one ... six. ... He just wants to throw dust into people's eyes,
and so I sit here and work for him like a galley-slave! This report
of his is poetic fiction and nothing more, and here I've got to sit
day after day and add figures, devil take his soul! [Rattles on his
counting-frame] I can't stand it! [Writing] That is, one ... three ...
seven ... two ... one ... nought. ... He promised to reward me for
my work. If everything goes well to-day and the public is properly
put into blinkers, he's promised me a gold charm and 300 roubles
bonus. ... We'll see. [Works] Yes, but if my work all goes for
nothing, then you'd better look out. ... I'm very excitable. ... If
I lose my temper I'm capable of committing some crime, so look out!
Yes!

[Noise and applause behind the scenes. SHIPUCHIN'S voice: "Thank
you! Thank you! I am extremely grateful." Enter SHIPUCHIN. He wears
a frockcoat and white tie; he carries an album which has been just
presented to him.]

SHIPUCHIN. [At the door, addresses the outer office] This present,
my dear colleagues, will be preserved to the day of my death, as a
memory of the happiest days of my life! Yes, gentlemen! Once more,
I thank you! [Throws a kiss into the air and turns to KHIRIN] My
dear, my respected Kusma Nicolaievitch!

[All the time that SHIPUCHIN is on the stage, clerks intermittently
come in with papers for his signature and go out.]

KHIRIN. [Standing up] I have the honour to congratulate you, Andrey
Andreyevitch, on the fiftieth anniversary of our Bank, and hope
that ...

SHIPUCHIN. [Warmly shakes hands] Thank you, my dear sir! Thank you!
I think that in view of the unique character of the day, as it is
an anniversary, we may kiss each other! ... [They kiss] I am very,
very glad! Thank you for your service ... for everything! If, in
the course of the time during which I have had the honour to be
Chairman of this Bank anything useful has been done, the credit is
due, more than to anybody else, to my colleagues. [Sighs] Yes,
fifteen years! Fifteen years as my name's Shipuchin! [Changes his
tone] Where's my report? Is it getting on?

KHIRIN. Yes; there's only five pages left.

SHIPUCHIN. Excellent. Then it will be ready by three?

KHIRIN. If nothing occurs to disturb me, I'll get it done. Nothing
of any importance is now left.

SHIPUCHIN. Splendid. Splendid, as my name's Shipuchin! The general
meeting will be at four. If you please, my dear fellow. Give me the
first half, I'll peruse it. ... Quick. ... [Takes the report] I
base enormous hopes on this report. It's my _profession de foi_,
or, better still, my firework. [Note: The actual word employed.] My
firework, as my name's Shipuchin! [Sits and reads the report to
himself] I'm hellishly tired. ... My gout kept on giving me trouble
last night, all the morning I was running about, and then these
excitements, ovations, agitations ... I'm tired!

KHIRIN. Two ... nought ... nought ... three ... nine ... two ...
nought. I can't see straight after all these figures. ... Three ...
one ... six ... four ... one ... five. ... [Uses the counting-frame.]

SHIPUCHIN. Another unpleasantness. ... This morning your wife came
to see me and complained about you once again. Said that last night
you threatened her and her sister with a knife. Kusma Nicolaievitch,
what do you mean by that? Oh, oh!

KHIRIN. [Rudely] As it's an anniversary, Andrey Andreyevitch, I'll
ask for a special favour. Please, even if it's only out of respect
for my toil, don't interfere in my family life. Please!

SHIPUCHIN. [Sighs] Yours is an impossible character, Kusma
Nicolaievitch! You're an excellent and respected man, but you
behave to women like some scoundrel. Yes, really. I don't
understand why you hate them so?

KHIRIN. I wish I could understand why you love them so! [Pause.]

SHIPUCHIN. The employees have just presented me with an album; and
the Directors, as I've heard, are going to give me an address and a
silver loving-cup. ... [Playing with his monocle] Very nice, as my
name's Shipuchin! It isn't excessive. A certain pomp is essential
to the reputation of the Bank, devil take it! You know everything,
of course. ... I composed the address myself, and I bought the cup
myself, too. ... Well, then there was 45 roubles for the cover of
the address, but you can't do without that. They'd never have
thought of it for themselves. [Looks round] Look at the furniture!
Just look at it! They say I'm stingy, that all I want is that the
locks on the doors should be polished, that the employees should
wear fashionable ties, and that a fat hall-porter should stand by
the door. No, no, sirs. Polished locks and a fat porter mean a good
deal. I can behave as I like at home, eat and sleep like a pig, get
drunk. ...

KHIRIN. Please don't make hints.

SHIPUCHIN. Nobody's making hints! What an impossible character
yours is. ... As I was saying, at home I can live like a tradesman,
a _parvenu_, and be up to any games I like, but here everything
must be _en grand_. This is a Bank! Here every detail must
_imponiren_, so to speak, and have a majestic appearance. [He picks
up a paper from the floor and throws it into the fireplace] My
service to the Bank has been just this--I've raised its reputation.
A thing of immense importance is tone! Immense, as my name's
Shipuchin! [Looks over KHIRIN] My dear man, a deputation of
shareholders may come here any moment, and there you are in felt
boots, wearing a scarf ... in some absurdly coloured jacket. ...
You might have put on a frock-coat, or at any rate a dark jacket. ...

KHIRIN. My health matters more to me than your shareholders. I've
an inflammation all over me.

SHIPUCHIN. [Excitedly] But you will admit that it's untidy! You
spoil the _ensemble_!

KHIRIN. If the deputation comes I can go and hide myself. It won't
matter if ... seven ... one ... seven ... two ... one ... five ...
nought. I don't like untidiness myself. ... Seven ... two ... nine ...
[Uses the counting-frame] I can't stand untidiness! It would have
been wiser of you not to have invited ladies to to-day's
anniversary dinner. ...

SHIPUCHIN. Oh, that's nothing.

KHIRIN. I know that you're going to have the hall filled with them
to-night to make a good show, but you look out, or they'll spoil
everything. They cause all sorts of mischief and disorder.

SHIPUCHIN. On the contrary, feminine society elevates!

KHIRIN. Yes. ... Your wife seems intelligent, but on the Monday of
last week she let something off that upset me for two days. In
front of a lot of people she suddenly asks: "Is it true that at our
Bank my husband bought up a lot of the shares of the Driazhsky-Priazhsky
Bank, which have been falling on exchange? My husband is so annoyed
about it!" This in front of people. Why do you tell them everything,
I don't understand. Do you want them to get you into serious trouble?

SHIPUCHIN. Well, that's enough, enough! All that's too dull for an
anniversary. Which reminds me, by the way. [Looks at the time] My
wife ought to be here soon. I really ought to have gone to the
station, to meet the poor little thing, but there's no time. ...
and I'm tired. I must say I'm not glad of her! That is to say, I am
glad, but I'd be gladder if she only stayed another couple of days
with her mother. She'll want me to spend the whole evening with her
to-night, whereas we have arranged a little excursion for
ourselves. ... [Shivers] Oh, my nerves have already started dancing
me about. They are so strained that I think the very smallest
trifle would be enough to make me break into tears! No, I must be
strong, as my name's Shipuchin!

[Enter TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA SHIPUCHIN in a waterproof, with a little
travelling satchel slung across her shoulder.]

SHIPUCHIN. Ah! In the nick of time!

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Darling!

[Runs to her husband: a prolonged kiss.]

SHIPUCHIN. We were only speaking of you just now! [Looks at his
watch.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. [Panting] Were you very dull without me? Are
you well? I haven't been home yet, I came here straight from the
station. I've a lot, a lot to tell you. ... I couldn't wait. ... I
shan't take off my clothes, I'll only stay a minute. [To KHIRIN]
Good morning, Kusma Nicolaievitch! [To her husband] Is everything
all right at home?

SHIPUCHIN. Yes, quite. And, you know, you've got to look plumper
and better this week. ... Well, what sort of a time did you have?

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Splendid. Mamma and Katya send their regards.
Vassili Andreitch sends you a kiss. [Kisses him] Aunt sends you a
jar of jam, and is annoyed because you don't write. Zina sends you
a kiss. [Kisses.] Oh, if you knew what's happened. If you only
knew! I'm even frightened to tell you! Oh, if you only knew! But I
see by your eyes that you're sorry I came!

SHIPUCHIN. On the contrary. ... Darling. ... [Kisses her.]

[KHIRIN coughs angrily.]

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Oh, poor Katya, poor Katya! I'm so sorry for
her, so sorry for her.

SHIPUCHIN. This is the Bank's anniversary to-day, darling, we may
get a deputation of the shareholders at any moment, and you're not
dressed.

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. Oh, yes, the anniversary! I congratulate you,
gentlemen. I wish you. ... So it means that to-day's the day of the
meeting, the dinner. ... That's good. And do you remember that
beautiful address which you spent such a long time composing for
the shareholders? Will it be read to-day?

[KHIRIN coughs angrily.]

SHIPUCHIN. [Confused] My dear, we don't talk about these things.
You'd really better go home.

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. In a minute, in a minute. I'll tell you
everything in one minute and go. I'll tell you from the very
beginning. Well. ... When you were seeing me off, you remember I
was sitting next to that stout lady, and I began to read. I don't
like to talk in the train. I read for three stations and didn't say
a word to anyone. ... Well, then the evening set in, and I felt so
mournful, you know, with such sad thoughts! A young man was sitting
opposite me--not a bad-looking fellow, a brunette. ... Well, we
fell into conversation. ... A sailor came along then, then some
student or other. ... [Laughs] I told them that I wasn't married ...
and they did look after me! We chattered till midnight, the
brunette kept on telling the most awfully funny stories, and the
sailor kept on singing. My chest began to ache from laughing. And
when the sailor--oh, those sailors!--when he got to know my name
was TATIANA, you know what he sang? [Sings in a bass voice] "Onegin
don't let me conceal it, I love Tatiana madly!" [Note: From the
Opera _Evgeni Onegin_--words by Pushkin.] [Roars with laughter.]

[KHIRIN coughs angrily.]

SHIPUCHIN. Tania, dear, you're disturbing Kusma Nicolaievitch. Go
home, dear. ... Later on. ...

TATIANA ALEXEYEVNA. No, no, let him hear if he wants to, it's
awfully interesting. I'll end in a minute. Serezha came to meet me
at the station. Some young man or other turns up, an inspector of
taxes, I think ... quite handsome, especially his eyes. ... Serezha
introduced me, and the three of us rode off together. ... It was
lovely weather. ...

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