The Eleven Comedies by Aristophanes et al

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After no little demur, this plan of campaign is adopted, and the
assembled women take a solemn oath to observe the compact faithfully.
Meantime as a precautionary measure they seize the Acropolis, where the
State treasure is kept; the old men of the city assault the doors, but
are repulsed by "the terrible regiment" of women. Before long the device
of the bold Lysistrata proves entirely effective, Peace is concluded, and
the play ends with the hilarious festivities of the Athenian and Spartan
plenipotentiaries in celebration of the event.

This drama has a double Chorus--of women and of old men, and much
excellent fooling is got out of the fight for possession of the citadel
between the two hostile bands; while the broad jokes and decidedly
suggestive situations arising out of the general idea of the plot
outlined above may be "better imagined than described."

* * * * *

LYSISTRATA

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

LYSISTRATA.
CALONICÉ.
MYRRHINÉ.
LAMPITO.
STRATYLLIS.
A MAGISTRATE.
CINESIAS.
A CHILD.
HERALD OF THE LACEDAEMONIANS.
ENVOYS OF THE LACEDAEMONIANS.
POLYCHARIDES.
MARKET LOUNGERS.
A SERVANT.
AN ATHENIAN CITIZEN.
CHORUS OF OLD MEN.
CHORUS OF WOMEN.

SCENE: In a public square at Athens; afterwards before the gates of the
Acropolis, and finally within the precincts of the citadel.

* * * * *

LYSISTRATA

LYSISTRATA (_alone_). Ah! if only they had been invited to a Bacchic
revelling, or a feast of Pan or Aphrodité or Genetyllis,[390] why! the
streets would have been impassable for the thronging tambourines! Now
there's never a woman here-ah! except my neighbour Calonicé, whom I see
approaching yonder.... Good day, Calonicé.

CALONICÉ. Good day, Lysistrata; but pray, why this dark, forbidding face,
my dear? Believe me, you don't look a bit pretty with those black
lowering brows.

LYSISTRATA. Oh! Calonicé, my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men
_will_ have it we are tricky and sly....

CALONICÉ. And they are quite right, upon my word!

LYSISTRATA. Yet, look you, when the women are summoned to meet for a
matter of the last importance, they lie abed instead of coming.

CALONICÉ. Oh! they will come, my dear; but 'tis not easy, you know, for
women to leave the house. One is busy pottering about her husband;
another is getting the servant up; a third is putting her child asleep,
or washing the brat or feeding it.

LYSISTRATA. But I tell you, the business that calls them here is far and
away more urgent.

CALONICÉ. And why _do_ you summon us, dear Lysistrata? What is it all
about?

LYSISTRATA. About a big affair.[391]

CALONICÉ. And is it thick too?

LYSISTRATA. Yes indeed, both big and great.

CALONICÉ. And we are not all on the spot!

LYSISTRATA. Oh! if it were what you suppose, there would be never an
absentee. No, no, it concerns a thing I have turned about and about this
way and that of many sleepless nights.

CALONICÉ. It must be something mighty fine and subtle for you to have
turned it about so!

LYSISTRATA. So fine, it means just this, Greece saved by the women!

CALONICÉ. By women! Why, its salvation hangs on a poor thread then!

LYSISTRATA. Our country's fortunes depend on us--it is with us to undo
utterly the Peloponnesians....

CALONICÉ. That would be a noble deed truly!

LYSISTRATA. To exterminate the Boeotians to a man!

CALONICÉ. But surely you would spare the eels.[392]

LYSISTRATA. For Athens' sake I will never threaten so fell a doom; trust
me for that. However, if the Boeotian and Peloponnesian women join us,
Greece is saved.

CALONICÉ. But how should women perform so wise and glorious an
achievement, we women who dwell in the retirement of the household, clad
in diaphanous garments of yellow silk and long flowing gowns, decked out
with flowers and shod with dainty little slippers?

LYSISTRATA. Nay, but those are the very sheet-anchors of our
salvation--those yellow tunics, those scents and slippers, those
cosmetics and transparent robes.

CALONICÉ. How so, pray?

LYSISTRATA. There is not a man will wield a lance against another ...

CALONICÉ. Quick, I will get me a yellow tunic from the dyer's.

LYSISTRATA. ... or want a shield.

CALONICÉ. I'll run and put on a flowing gown.

LYSISTRATA. ... or draw a sword.

CALONICÉ. I'll haste and buy a pair of slippers this instant.

LYSISTRATA. Now tell me, would not the women have done best to come?

CALONICÉ. Why, they should have _flown_ here!

LYSISTRATA. Ah! my dear, you'll see that like true Athenians, they will
do everything too late[393].... Why, there's not a woman come from the
shoreward parts, not one from Salamis.[394]

CALONICÉ. But I know for certain they embarked at daybreak.

LYSISTRATA. And the dames from Acharnae![395] why, I thought they would
have been the very first to arrive.

CALONICÉ. Theagenes wife[396] at any rate is sure to come; she has
actually been to consult Hecaté.... But look! here are some arrivals--and
there are more behind. Ah! ha! now what countrywomen may they be?

LYSISTRATA. They are from Anagyra.[397]

CALONICÉ. Yes! upon my word, 'tis a levy _en masse_ of all the female
population of Anagyra!

MYRRHINÉ. Are we late, Lysistrata? Tell us, pray; what, not a word?

LYSISTRATA. I cannot say much for you, Myrrhiné! you have not bestirred
yourself overmuch for an affair of such urgency.

MYRRHINÉ I could not find my girdle in the dark. However, if the matter
is so pressing, here we are; so speak.

LYSISTRATA. No, but let us wait a moment more, till the women of Boeotia
arrive and those from the Peloponnese.

MYRRHINÉ Yes, that is best.... Ah! here comes Lampito.

LYSISTRATA. Good day, Lampito, dear friend from Lacedaemon. How well and
handsome you look! what a rosy complexion! and how strong you seem; why,
you could strangle a bull surely!

LAMPITO. Yes, indeed, I really think I could. 'Tis because I do
gymnastics and practise the kick dance.[398]

LYSISTRATA. And what superb bosoms!

LAMPITO. La! you are feeling me as if I were a beast for sacrifice.

LYSISTRATA. And this young woman, what countrywoman is she?

LAMPITO. She is a noble lady from Boeotia.

LYSISTRATA. Ah! my pretty Boeotian friend, you are as blooming as a
garden.

CALONICÉ. Yes, on my word! and the garden is so prettily weeded too![399]

LYSISTRATA. And who is this?

LAMPITO. 'Tis an honest woman, by my faith! she comes from Corinth.

LYSISTRATA. Oh! honest, no doubt then--as honesty goes at Corinth.[400]

LAMPITO. But who has called together this council of women, pray?

LYSISTRATA. I have.

LAMPITO. Well then, tell us what you want of us.

LYSISTRATA. With pleasure, my dear.

MYRRHINÉ. What is the most important business you wish to inform us
about?

LYSISTRATA. I will tell you. But first answer me one question.

MYRRHINÉ. What is that?

LYSISTRATA. Don't you feel sad and sorry because the fathers of your
children are far away from you with the army? For I'll undertake, there
is not one of you whose husband is not abroad at this moment.

CALONICÉ. Mine has been the last five months in Thrace--looking after
Eucrates.[401]

LYSISTRATA. 'Tis seven long months since mine left me for Pylos.[402]

LAMPITO. As for mine, if he ever does return from service, he's no sooner
back than he takes down his shield again and flies back to the wars.

LYSISTRATA. And not so much as the shadow of a lover! Since the day the
Milesians betrayed us, I have never once seen an eight-inch-long
_godemiche_ even, to be a leathern consolation to us poor widows.... Now
tell me, if I have discovered a means of ending the war, will you all
second me?

MYRRHINÉ. Yes verily, by all the goddesses, I swear I will, though I have
to put my gown in pawn, and drink the money the same day.[403]

CALONICÉ. And so will I, though I must be split in two like a flat-fish,
and have half myself removed.

LAMPITO. And I too; why, to secure Peace, I would climb to the top of
Mount Taygetus.[404]

LYSISTRATA. Then I will out with it at last, my mighty secret! Oh! sister
women, if we would compel our husbands to make peace, we must refrain....

MYRRHINÉ. Refrain from what? tell us, tell us!

LYSISTRATA. But will you do it?

MYRRHINÉ. We will, we will, though we should die of it.

LYSISTRATA. We must refrain from the male organ altogether.... Nay, why
do you turn your backs on me? Where are you going? So, you bite your
lips, and shake your heads, eh? Why these pale, sad looks? why these
tears? Come, will you do it--yes or no? Do you hesitate?

MYRRHINÉ. No, I will not do it; let the War go on.

LYSISTRATA. And you, my pretty flat-fish, who declared just now they
might split you in two?

CALONICÉ. Anything, anything but that! Bid me go through the fire, if you
will; but to rob us of the sweetest thing in all the world, my dear, dear
Lysistrata!

LYSISTRATA. And you?

MYRRHINÉ. Yes, I agree with the others; I too would sooner go through the
fire.

LYSISTRATA. Oh, wanton, vicious sex! the poets have done well to make
tragedies upon us; we are good for nothing then but love and
lewdness![405] But you, my dear, you from hardy Sparta, if _you_ join me,
all may yet be well; help me, second me, I conjure you.

LAMPITO. 'Tis a hard thing, by the two goddesses[406] it is! for a woman
to sleep alone without ever a standing weapon in her bed. But there,
Peace must come first.

LYSISTRATA. Oh, my dear, my dearest, best friend, you are the only one
deserving the name of woman!

CALONICÉ. But if--which the gods forbid--we do refrain altogether from
what you say, should we get peace any sooner?

LYSISTRATA. Of course we should, by the goddesses twain! We need only sit
indoors with painted cheeks, and meet our mates lightly clad in
transparent gowns of Amorgos[407] silk, and with our "mottes" nicely
plucked smooth; then their tools will stand like mad and they will be
wild to lie with us. That will be the time to refuse, and they will
hasten to make peace, I am convinced of that!

LAMPITO. Yes, just as Menelaus, when he saw Helen's naked bosom, threw
away his sword, they say.

CALONICÉ. But, poor devils, suppose our husbands go away and leave us.

LYSISTRATA. Then, as Pherecrates says, we must "flay a skinned dog,"[408]
that's all.

CALONICÉ. Bah! these proverbs are all idle talk.... But if our husbands
drag us by main force into the bedchamber?

LYSISTRATA. Hold on to the door posts.

CALONICÉ. But if they beat us?

LYSISTRATA. Then yield to their wishes, but with a bad grace; there is no
pleasure for them, when they do it by force. Besides, there are a
thousand ways of tormenting them. Never fear, they'll soon tire of the
game; there's no satisfaction for a man, unless the woman shares it.

CALONICÉ. Very well, if you _will_ have it so, we agree.

LAMPITO. For ourselves, no doubt we shall persuade our husbands to
conclude a fair and honest peace; but there is the Athenian populace, how
are we to cure these folk of their warlike frenzy?

LYSISTRATA. Have no fear; we undertake to make our own people hear
reason.

LAMPITO. Nay, impossible, so long as they have their trusty ships and the
vast treasures stored in the temple of Athené.

LYSISTRATA. Ah! but we have seen to that; this very day the Acropolis
will be in our hands. That is the task assigned to the older women; while
we are here in council, they are going, under pretence of offering
sacrifice, to seize the citadel.

LAMPITO. Well said indeed! so everything is going for the best.

LYSISTRATA. Come, quick, Lampito, and let us bind ourselves by an
inviolable oath.

LAMPITO. Recite the terms; we will swear to them.

LYSISTRATA. With pleasure. Where is our Usheress?[409] Now, what are you
staring at, pray? Lay this shield on the earth before us, its hollow
upwards, and someone bring me the victim's inwards.

CALONICÉ. Lysistrata, say, what oath are we to swear?

LYSISTRATA. What oath? Why, in Aeschylus, they sacrifice a sheep, and
swear over a buckler;[410] we will do the same.

CALONICÉ. No, Lysistrata, one cannot swear peace over a buckler, surely.

LYSISTRATA. What other oath do you prefer?

CALONICÉ. Let's take a white horse, and sacrifice it, and swear on its
entrails.

LYSISTRATA. But where get a white horse from?

CALONICÉ. Well, what oath shall we take then?

LYSISTRATA. Listen to me. Let's set a great black bowl on the ground;
let's sacrifice a skin of Thasian[411] wine into it, and take oath not to
add one single drop of water.

LAMPITO. Ah! that's an oath pleases me more than I can say.

LYSISTRATA. Let them bring me a bowl and a skin of wine.

CALONICÉ. Ah! my dears, what a noble big bowl! what a delight 'twill be
to empty it!

LYSISTRATA. Set the bowl down on the ground, and lay your hands on the
victim.... Almighty goddess, Persuasion, and thou, bowl, boon comrade of
joy and merriment, receive this our sacrifice, and be propitious to us
poor women!

CALONICÉ. Oh! the fine red blood! how well it flows!

LAMPITO. And what a delicious savour, by the goddesses twain!

LYSISTRATA. Now, my dears, let me swear first, if you please.

CALONICÉ. No, by the goddess of love, let us decide that by lot.

LYSISTRATA. Come then, Lampito, and all of you, put your hands to the
bowl; and do you, Calonicé, repeat in the name of all the solemn terms I
am going to recite. Then you must all swear, and pledge yourselves by the
same promises.--"_I will have naught to do whether with lover or
husband...._"

CALONICÉ. _I will have naught to do whether with lover or husband...._

LYSISTRATA. _Albeit he come to me with stiff and standing tool...._

CALONICÉ. _Albeit he come to me with stiff and standing tool...._ Oh!
Lysistrata, I cannot bear it!

LYSISTRATA. _I will live at home in perfect chastity...._

CALONICÉ. _I will live at home in perfect chastity...._

LYSISTRATA. _Beautifully dressed and wearing a saffron-coloured gown...._

CALONICÉ. _Beautifully dressed and wearing a saffron-coloured gown...._

LYSISTRATA. _To the end I may inspire my husband with the most ardent
longings._

CALONICÉ. _To the end I may inspire my husband with the most ardent
longings._

LYSISTRATA. _Never will I give myself voluntarily...._

CALONICÉ. _Never will I give myself voluntarily...._

LYSISTRATA. _And if he has me by force...._

CALONICÉ. _And if he has me by force...._

LYSISTRATA. _I will be cold as ice, and never stir a limb...._

CALONICÉ. _I will be cold as ice, and never stir a limb...._

LYSISTRATA. _I will not lift my legs in air...._

CALONICÉ. _I will not lift my legs in air...._

LYSISTRATA. _Nor will I crouch with bottom upraised, like carven lions on
a knife-handle_.

CALONICÉ. _Nor will I crouch with bottom upraised, like carven lions on a
knife-handle_.

LYSISTRATA. _An if I keep my oath, may I be suffered to drink of this
wine._

CALONICÉ. _An if I keep my oath, may I be suffered to drink of this
wine_.

LYSISTRATA. _But if I break it, let my bowl be filled with water_.

CALONICÉ. _But if I break it, let my bowl be filled with water_.

LYSISTRATA. Will ye all take this oath?

MYRRHINÉ. Yes, yes!

LYSISTRATA. Then lo! I immolate the victim. (_She drinks._)

CALONICÉ. Enough, enough, my dear; now let us all drink in turn to cement
our friendship.

LAMPITO. Hark! what do those cries mean?

LYSISTRATA. 'Tis what I was telling you; the women have just occupied the
Acropolis. So now, Lampito, do you return to Sparta to organize the plot,
while your comrades here remain as hostages. For ourselves, let us away
to join the rest in the citadel, and let us push the bolts well home.

CALONICÉ. But don't you think the men will march up against us?

LYSISTRATA. I laugh at them. Neither threats nor flames shall force our
doors; they shall open only on the conditions I have named.

CALONICÉ. Yes, yes, by the goddess of love! let us keep up our old-time
repute for obstinacy and spite.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN.[412] Go easy, Draces, go easy; why, your shoulder is
all chafed by these plaguey heavy olive stocks. But forward still,
forward, man, as needs must. What unlooked-for things do happen, to be
sure, in a long life! Ah! Strymodorus, who would ever have thought it?
Here we have the women, who used, for our misfortune, to eat our bread
and live in our houses, daring nowadays to lay hands on the holy image of
the goddess, to seize the Acropolis and draw bars and bolts to keep any
from entering! Come, Philurgus man, let's hurry thither; let's lay our
faggots all about the citadel, and on the blazing pile burn with our
hands these vile conspiratresses, one and all--and Lycon's wife,
Lysistrata, first and foremost! Nay, by Demeter, never will I let 'em
laugh at me, whiles I have a breath left in my body. Cleomenes
himself,[413] the first who ever seized our citadel, had to quit it to
his sore dishonour; spite his Lacedaemonian pride, he had to deliver me
up his arms and slink off with a single garment to his back. My word! but
he was filthy and ragged! and what an unkempt beard, to be sure! He had
not had a bath for six long years! Oh! but that was a mighty siege! Our
men were ranged seventeen deep before the gate, and never left their
posts, even to sleep. These women, these enemies of Euripides and all the
gods, shall I do nothing to hinder their inordinate insolence? else let
them tear down my trophies of Marathon. But look ye, to finish our
toilsome climb, we have only this last steep bit left to mount. Verily
'tis no easy job without beasts of burden, and how these logs do bruise
my shoulder! Still let us on, and blow up our fire and see it does not go
out just as we reach our destination. Phew! phew! (_blows the fire_). Oh!
dear! what a dreadful smoke! it bites my eyes like a mad dog. It is
Lemnos[414] fire for sure, or it would never devour my eyelids like this.
Come on, Laches, let's hurry, let's bring succour to the goddess; it's
now or never! Phew! phew! (_blows the fire_). Oh! dear! what a confounded
smoke!--There now, there's our fire all bright and burning, thank the
gods! Now, why not first put down our loads here, then take a
vine-branch, light it at the brazier and hurl it at the gate by way of
battering-ram? If they don't answer our summons by pulling back the
bolts, then we set fire to the woodwork, and the smoke will choke 'em. Ye
gods! what a smoke! Pfaugh! Is there never a Samos general will help me
unload my burden?[415]--Ah! it shall not gall my shoulder any more.
(_Tosses down his wood._) Come, brazier, do your duty, make the embers
flare, that I may kindle a brand; I want to be the first to hurl one. Aid
me, heavenly Victory; let us punish for their insolent audacity the women
who have seized our citadel, and may we raise a trophy of triumph for
success!

CHORUS OF WOMEN.[416] Oh! my dears, methinks I see fire and smoke; can it
be a conflagration? Let us hurry all we can. Fly, fly, Nicodicé, ere
Calycé and Crityllé perish in the fire, or are stifled in the smoke
raised by these accursed old men and their pitiless laws. But, great
gods, can it be I come too late? Rising at dawn, I had the utmost trouble
to fill this vessel at the fountain. Oh! what a crowd there was, and what
a din! What a rattling of water-pots! Servants and slave-girls pushed and
thronged me! However, here I have it full at last; and I am running to
carry the water to my fellow townswomen, whom our foes are plotting to
burn alive. News has been brought us that a company of old, doddering
greybeards, loaded with enormous faggots, as if they wanted to heat a
furnace, have taken the field, vomiting dreadful threats, crying that
they must reduce to ashes these horrible women. Suffer them not, oh!
goddess, but, of thy grace, may I see Athens and Greece cured of their
warlike folly. 'Tis to this end, oh! thou guardian deity of our city,
goddess of the golden crest, that they have seized thy sanctuary. Be
their friend and ally, Athené, and if any man hurl against them lighted
firebrands, aid us to carry water to extinguish them.

STRATYLLIS. Let me be, I say. Oh! oh! (_She calls for help._)

CHORUS OF WOMEN. What is this I see, ye wretched old men? Honest and
pious folk ye cannot be who act so vilely.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah, ha! here's something new! a swarm of women stand
posted outside to defend the gates!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Ah! ah! we frighten you, do we; we seem a mighty host,
yet you do not see the ten-thousandth part of our sex.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ho, Phaedrias! shall we stop their cackle? Suppose one
of us were to break a stick across their backs, eh?

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Let us set down our water-pots on the ground, to be out
of the way, if they should dare to offer us violence.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Let someone knock out two or three teeth for them, as
they did to Bupalus;[417] they won't talk so loud then.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Come on then; I wait you with unflinching foot, and I
will snap off your testicles like a bitch.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Silence! ere my stick has cut short your days.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Now, just you dare to touch Stratyllis with the tip of
your finger!

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. And if I batter you to pieces with my fists, what will
you do?

CHORUS OF WOMEN. I will tear out your lungs and entrails with my teeth.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh! what a clever poet is Euripides! how well he says
that woman is the most shameless of animals.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Let's pick up our water-jars again, Rhodippé.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Ah! accursed harlot, what do you mean to do here with
your water?

CHORUS OF WOMEN. And you, old death-in-life, with your fire? Is it to
cremate yourself?

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I am going to build you a pyre to roast your female
friends upon.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. And I,--I am going to put out your fire.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. You put out my fire--you!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Yes, you shall soon see.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I don't know what prevents me from roasting you with
this torch.

CHORUS OF WOMEN. I am getting you a bath ready to clean off the filth.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. A bath for me, you dirty slut, you!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Yes, indeed, a nuptial bath--he, he!

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Do you hear that? What insolence!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. I am a free woman, I tell you.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. I will make you hold your tongue, never fear!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Ah, ha! you shall never sit more amongst the
heliasts.[418]

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Burn off her hair for her!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Water, do your office! (_The women pitch the water in
their water-pots over the old men._)

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Oh, dear! oh, dear! oh, dear!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. Was it hot?

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Hot, great gods! Enough, enough!

CHORUS OF WOMEN. I'm watering you, to make you bloom afresh.

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. Alas! I am too dry! Ah, me! how I am trembling with
cold!

MAGISTRATE. These women, have they made din enough, I wonder, with their
tambourines? bewept Adonis enough upon their terraces?[419] I was
listening to the speeches last assembly day,[420] and Demostratus,[421]
whom heaven confound! was saying we must all go over to Sicily--and lo!
his wife was dancing round repeating: Alas! alas! Adonis, woe is me for
Adonis!

Demostratus was saying we must levy hoplites at Zacynthus[422]--and lo!
his wife, more than half drunk, was screaming on the house-roof: "Weep,
weep for Adonis!"--while that infamous _Mad Ox_[423] was bellowing away
on his side.--Do ye not blush, ye women, for your wild and uproarious
doings?

CHORUS OF OLD MEN. But you don't know all their effrontery yet! They
abused and insulted us; then soused us with the water in their
water-pots, and have set us wringing out our clothes, for all the world
as if we had bepissed ourselves.

MAGISTRATE. And 'tis well done too, by Poseidon! We men must share the
blame of their ill conduct; it is we who teach them to love riot and
dissoluteness and sow the seeds of wickedness in their hearts. You see a
husband go into a shop: "Look you, jeweller," says he, "you remember the
necklace you made for my wife. Well, t'other evening, when she was
dancing, the catch came open. Now, I am bound to start for Salamis; will
you make it convenient to go up to-night to make her fastening secure?"
Another will go to a cobbler, a great, strong fellow, with a great, long
tool, and tell him: "The strap of one of my wife's sandals presses her
little toe, which is extremely sensitive; come in about midday to supple
the thing and stretch it." Now see the results. Take my own case--as a
Magistrate I have enlisted rowers; I want money to pay 'em, and lo! the
women clap to the door in my face.[424] But why do we stand here with
arms crossed? Bring me a crowbar; I'll chastise their insolence!--Ho!
there, my fine fellow! (_addressing one of his attendant officers_) what
are you gaping at the crows about? looking for a tavern, I suppose, eh?
Come, crowbars here, and force open the gates. I will put a hand to the
work myself.

LYSISTRATA. No need to force the gates; I am coming out--here I am. And
why bolts and bars? What we want here is not bolts and bars and locks,
but common sense.

MAGISTRATE. Really, my fine lady! Where is my officer? I want him to tie
that woman's hands behind her back.

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