The Eleven Comedies by Aristophanes et al

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Oh, ruler of Olympus, all-powerful king of the gods, great Zeus, it is
thou whom I first invoke; protect this chorus; and thou too, Posidon,
whose dread trident upheaves at the will of thy anger both the bowels of
the earth and the salty waves of the ocean. I invoke my illustrious
father, the divine Aether, the universal sustainer of life, and Phoebus,
who, from the summit of his chariot, sets the world aflame with his
dazzling rays, Phoebus, a mighty deity amongst the gods and adored
amongst mortals.

Most wise spectators, lend us all your attention. Give heed to our just
reproaches. There exist no gods to whom this city owes more than it does
to us, whom alone you forget. Not a sacrifice, not a libation is there
for those who protect you! Have you decreed some mad expedition? Well! we
thunder or we fall down in rain. When you chose that enemy of heaven, the
Paphlagonian tanner,[523] for a general, we knitted our brow, we caused
our wrath to break out; the lightning shot forth, the thunder pealed, the
moon deserted her course and the sun at once veiled his beam threatening
no longer to give you light, if Cleon became general. Nevertheless you
elected him; 'tis said, Athens never resolves upon some fatal step but
the gods turn these errors into her greatest gain. Do you wish that this
election should even now be a success for you? 'Tis a very simple thing
to do; condemn this rapacious gull named Cleon[524] for bribery and
extortion, fit a wooden collar tight round his neck, and your error will
be rectified and the commonweal will at once regain its old prosperity.

Aid me also, Phoebus, god of Delos, who reignest on the cragged peaks of
Cynthia;[525] and thou, happy virgin,[526] to whom the Lydian damsels
offer pompous sacrifice in a temple of gold; and thou, goddess of our
country, Athené, armed with the aegis, the protectress of Athens; and
thou, who, surrounded by the Bacchanals of Delphi, roamest over the rocks
of Parnassus shaking the flame of thy resinous torch, thou, Bacchus, the
god of revel and joy.

As we were preparing to come here, we were hailed by the Moon and were
charged to wish joy and happiness both to the Athenians and to their
allies; further, she said that she was enraged and that you treated her
very shamefully, her, who does not pay you in words alone, but who
renders you all real benefits. Firstly, thanks to her, you save at least
a drachma each month for lights, for each, as he is leaving home at
night, says, "Slave, buy no torches, for the moonlight is
beautiful,"--not to name a thousand other benefits. Nevertheless you do
not reckon the days correctly and your calendar is naught but
confusion.[527] Consequently the gods load her with threats each time
they get home and are disappointed of their meal, because the festival
has not been kept in the regular order of time. When you should be
sacrificing, you are putting to the torture or administering justice. And
often, we others, the gods, are fasting in token of mourning for the
death of Memnon or Sarpedon,[528] while you are devoting yourselves to
joyous libations. 'Tis for this, that last year, when the lot would have
invested Hyperbolus[529] with the duty of Amphictyon, we took his crown
from him, to teach him that time must be divided according to the phases
of the moon.

SOCRATES. By Respiration, the Breath of Life! By Chaos! By the Air! I
have never seen a man so gross, so inept, so stupid, so forgetful. All
the little quibbles, which I teach him, he forgets even before he has
learnt them. Yet I will not give it up, I will make him come out here
into the open air. Where are you, Strepsiades? Come, bring your couch out
here.

STREPSIADES. But the bugs will not allow me to bring it.

SOCRATES. Have done with such nonsense! place it there and pay attention.

STREPSIADES. Well, here I am.

SOCRATES. Good! Which science of all those you have never been taught, do
you wish to learn first? The measures, the rhythms or the verses?

STREPSIADES. Why, the measures; the flour dealer cheated me out of two
_choenixes_ the other day.

SOCRATES. 'Tis not about that I ask you, but which, according to you, is
the best measure, the trimeter or the tetrameter?[530]

STREPSIADES. The one I prefer is the semisextarius.

SOCRATES. You talk nonsense, my good fellow.

STREPSIADES. I will wager your tetrameter is the semisextarius.[531]

SOCRATES. Plague seize the dunce and the fool! Come, perchance you will
learn the rhythms quicker.

STREPSIADES. Will the rhythms supply me with food?

SOCRATES. First they will help you to be pleasant in company, then to
know what is meant by oenoplian rhythm[532] and what by the
dactylic.[533]

STREPSIADES. Of the dactyl? I know that quite well.

SOCRATES. What is it then?

STREPSIADES. Why, 'tis this finger; formerly, when a child, I used this
one.[534]

SOCRATES. You are as low-minded as you are stupid.

STREPSIADES. But, wretched man, I do not want to learn all this.

SOCRATES. Then what _do_ you want to know?

STREPSIADES. Not that, not that, but the art of false reasoning.

SOCRATES. But you must first learn other things. Come, what are the male
quadrupeds?

STREPSIADES. Oh! I know the males thoroughly. Do you take me for a fool
then? The ram, the buck, the bull, the dog, the pigeon.

SOCRATES. Do you see what you are doing; is not the female pigeon called
the same as the male?

STREPSIADES. How else? Come now?

SOCRATES. How else? With you then 'tis pigeon and pigeon!

STREPSIADES. 'Tis true, by Posidon! but what names do you want me to give
them?

SOCRATES. Term the female pigeonnette and the male pigeon.

STREPSIADES. Pigeonnette! hah! by the Air! That's splendid! for that
lesson bring out your kneading-trough and I will fill him with flour to
the brim.

SOCRATES. There you are wrong again; you make _trough_ masculine and it
should be feminine.

STREPSIADES. What? if I say _him_, do I make the _trough_ masculine?

SOCRATES. Assuredly! would you not say him for Cleonymus?

STREPSIADES. Well?

SOCRATES. Then trough is of the same gender as Cleonymus?

STREPSIADES. Oh! good sir! Cleonymus never had a kneading-trough;[535] he
used a round mortar for the purpose. But come, tell me what I _should_
say?

SOCRATES. For trough you should say _her_ as you would for Sostraté.[536]

STREPSIADES. _Her_?

SOCRATES. In this manner you make it truly female.

STREPSIADES. That's it! _Her_ for trough and _her_ for Cleonymus.[537]

SOCRATES. Now I must teach you to distinguish the masculine proper names
from those that are feminine.

STREPSIADES. Ah! I know the female names well.

SOCRATES. Name some then.

STREPSIADES. Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria.

SOCRATES. And what are masculine names?

STREPSIADES. They are countless--Philoxenus, Melesias, Amynias.

SOCRATES. But, wretched man, the last two are not masculine.

STREPSIADES. You do not reckon them masculine?

SOCRATES. Not at all. If you met Amynias, how would you hail him?

STREPSIADES. How? Why, I should shout, "Hi! hither, Amyni_a_!"[538]

SOCRATES. Do you see? 'tis a female name that you give him.

STREPSIADES. And is it not rightly done, since he refuses military
service? But what use is there in learning what we all know?

SOCRATES. You know nothing about it. Come, lie down there.

STREPSIADES. What for?

SOCRATES. Ponder awhile over matters that interest you.

STREPSIADES. Oh! I pray you, not there! but, if I must lie down and
ponder, let me lie on the ground.

SOCRATES. 'Tis out of the question. Come! on to the couch!

STREPSIADES. What cruel fate! What a torture the bugs will this day put
me to!

SOCRATES. Ponder and examine closely, gather your thoughts together, let
your mind turn to every side of things; if you meet with a difficulty,
spring quickly to some other idea; above all, keep your eyes away from
all gentle sleep.

STREPSIADES. Oh, woe, woe! oh, woe, woe!

SOCRATES. What ails you? why do you cry so?

STREPSIADES. Oh! I am a dead man! Here are these cursed Corinthians[539]
advancing upon me from all corners of the couch; they are biting me, they
are gnawing at my sides, they are drinking all my blood, they are
twitching off my testicles, they are exploring all up my back, they are
killing me!

SOCRATES. Not so much wailing and clamour, if you please.

STREPSIADES. How can I obey? I have lost my money and my complexion, my
blood and my slippers, and to cap my misery, I must keep awake on this
couch, when scarce a breath of life is left in me.

SOCRATES. Well now! what are you doing? are you reflecting?

STREPSIADES. Yes, by Posidon!

SOCRATES. What about?

STREPSIADES. Whether the bugs will not entirely devour me.

SOCRATES. May death seize you, accursed man!

STREPSIADES. Ah! it has already.

SOCRATES. Come, no giving way! Cover up your head; the thing to do is to
find an ingenious alternative.

STREPSIADES. An alternative! ah! I only wish one would come to me from
within these coverlets!

SOCRATES. Hold! let us see what our fellow is doing. Ho! you! are you
asleep?

STREPSIADES. No, by Apollo!

SOCRATES. Have you got hold of anything?

STREPSIADES. No, nothing whatever.

SOCRATES. Nothing at all!

STREPSIADES. No, nothing but my tool, which I've got in my hand.

SOCRATES. Are you not going to cover your head immediately and ponder?

STREPSIADES. Over what? Come, Socrates, tell me.

SOCRATES. Think first what you want, and then tell me.

STREPSIADES. But I have told you a thousand times what I want. 'Tis not
to pay any of my creditors.

SOCRATES. Come, wrap yourself up; concentrate your mind, which wanders
too lightly, study every detail, scheme and examine thoroughly.

STREPSIADES. Oh, woe! woe! oh dear! oh dear!

SOCRATES. Keep yourself quiet, and if any notion troubles you, put it
quickly aside, then resume it and think over it again.

STREPSIADES. My dear little Socrates!

SOCRATES. What is it, old greybeard?

STREPSIADES. I have a scheme for not paying my debts.

SOCRATES. Let us hear it.

STREPSIADES. Tell me, if I purchased a Thessalian witch, I could make the
moon descend during the night and shut it, like a mirror, into a round
box and there keep it carefully....

SOCRATES. How would you gain by that?

STREPSIADES. How? Why, if the moon did not rise, I would have no interest
to pay.

SOCRATES. Why so?

STREPSIADES. Because money is lent by the month.

SOCRATES. Good! but I am going to propose another trick to you. If you
were condemned to pay five talents, how would you manage to quash that
verdict? Tell me.

STREPSIADES. How? how? I don't know, I must think.

SOCRATES. Do you always shut your thoughts within yourself. Let your
ideas fly in the air, like a may-bug, tied by the foot with a thread.

STREPSIADES. I have found a very clever way to annul that conviction; you
will admit that much yourself.

SOCRATES. What is it?

STREPSIADES. Have you ever seen a beautiful, transparent stone at the
druggists, with which you may kindle fire?

SOCRATES. You mean a crystal lens.[540]

STREPSIADES. Yes.

SOCRATES. Well, what then?

STREPSIADES. If I placed myself with this stone in the sun and a long way
off from the clerk, while he was writing out the conviction, I could make
all the wax, upon which the words were written, melt.

SOCRATES. Well thought out, by the Graces!

STREPSIADES. Ah! I am delighted to have annulled the decree that was to
cost me five talents.

SOCRATES. Come, take up this next question quickly.

STREPSIADES. Which?

SOCRATES. If, when summoned to court, you were in danger of losing your
case for want of witnesses, how would you make the conviction fall upon
your opponent?

STREPSIADES. 'Tis very simple and most easy.

SOCRATES. Let me hear.

STREPSIADES. This way. If another case had to be pleaded before mine was
called, I should run and hang myself.

SOCRATES. You talk rubbish!

STREPSIADES. Not so, by the gods! if I was dead, no action could lie
against me.

SOCRATES. You are merely beating the air. Begone! I will give you no more
lessons.

STREPSIADES. Why not? Oh! Socrates! in the name of the gods!

SOCRATES. But you forget as fast as you learn. Come, what was the thing I
taught you first? Tell me.

STREPSIADES. Ah! let me see. What was the first thing? What was it then?
Ah! that thing in which we knead the bread, oh! my god! what do you call
it?

SOCRATES. Plague take the most forgetful and silliest of old addlepates!

STREPSIADES. Alas! what a calamity! what will become of me? I am undone
if I do not learn how to ply my tongue. Oh! Clouds! give me good advice.

CHORUS. Old man, we counsel you, if you have brought up a son, to send
him to learn in your stead.

STREPSIADES. Undoubtedly I have a son, as well endowed as the best, but
he is unwilling to learn. What will become of me?

CHORUS. And you don't make him obey you?

STREPSIADES. You see, he is big and strong; moreover, through his mother
he is a descendant of those fine birds, the race of Coesyra.[541]
Nevertheless, I will go and find him, and if he refuses, I will turn him
out of the house. Go in, Socrates, and wait for me awhile.

CHORUS (_to Socrates_). Do you understand, that, thanks to us, you will
be loaded with benefits? Here is a man, ready to obey you in all things.
You see how he is carried away with admiration and enthusiasm. Profit by
it to clip him as short as possible; fine chances are all too quickly
gone.

STREPSIADES. No, by the Clouds! you stay no longer here; go and devour
the ruins of your uncle Megacles' fortune.

PHIDIPPIDES. Oh! my poor father! what has happened to you? By the
Olympian Zeus! you are no longer in your senses!

STREPSIADES. See! see! "the Olympian Zeus." Oh! the fool! to believe in
Zeus at your age!

PHIDIPPIDES. What is there in that to make you laugh?

STREPSIADES. You are then a tiny little child, if you credit such
antiquated rubbish! But come here, that I may teach you; I will tell you
something very necessary to know to be a man; but you will not repeat it
to anybody.

PHIDIPPIDES. Come, what is it?

STREPSIADES. Just now you swore by Zeus.

PHIDIPPIDES. Aye, that I did.

STREPSIADES. Do you see how good it is to learn? Phidippides, there is no
Zeus.

PHIDIPPIDES. What is there then?

STREPSIADES. 'Tis the Whirlwind, that has driven out Jupiter and is King
now.

PHIDIPPIDES. Go to! what drivel!

STREPSIADES. Know it to be the truth.

PHIDIPPIDES. And who says so?

STREPSIADES. 'Tis Socrates, the Melian,[542] and Chaerephon, who knows
how to measure the jump of a flea.

PHIDIPPIDES. Have you reached such a pitch of madness that you believe
those bilious fellows?

STREPSIADES. Use better language, and do not insult men who are clever
and full of wisdom, who, to economize, are never shaved, shun the
gymnasia and never go to the baths, while you, you only await my death to
eat up my wealth. But come, come as quickly as you can to learn in my
stead.

PHIDIPPIDES. And what good can be learnt of them?

STREPSIADES. What good indeed? Why, all human knowledge. Firstly, you
will know yourself grossly ignorant. But await me here awhile.

PHIDIPPIDES. Alas! what is to be done? My father has lost his wits. Must
I have him certificated for lunacy, or must I order his coffin?

STREPSIADES. Come! what kind of bird is this? tell me.

PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeon.

STREPSIADES. Good! And this female?

PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeon.

STREPSIADES. The same for both? You make me laugh! For the future you
will call this one a pigeonnette and the other a pigeon.

PHIDIPPIDES. A pigeonnette! These then are the fine things you have just
learnt at the school of these sons of the Earth![543]

STREPSIADES. And many others; but what I learnt I forgot at once, because
I am too old.

PHIDIPPIDES. So this is why you have lost your cloak?

STREPSIADES. I have not lost it, I have consecrated it to Philosophy.

PHIDIPPIDES. And what have you done with your sandals, you poor fool?

STREPSIADES. If I have lost them, it is for what was necessary, just as
Pericles did.[544] But come, move yourself, let us go in; if necessary,
do wrong to obey your father. When you were six years old and still
lisped, 'twas I who obeyed you. I remember at the feasts of Zeus you had
a consuming wish for a little chariot and I bought it for you with the
first obolus which I received as a juryman in the Courts.

PHIDIPPIDES. You will soon repent of what you ask me to do.

STREPSIADES. Oh! now I am happy! He obeys. Here, Socrates, here! Come out
quick! Here I am bringing you my son; he refused, but I have persuaded
him.

SOCRATES. Why, he is but a child yet. He is not used to these baskets, in
which we suspend our minds.[545]

PHIDIPPIDES. To make you better used to them, I would you were hung.

STREPSIADES. A curse upon you! you insult your master!

SOCRATES. "I would you were hung!" What a stupid speech! and so
emphatically spoken! How can one ever get out of an accusation with such
a tone, summon witnesses or touch or convince? And yet when we think,
Hyperbolus learnt all this for one talent!

STREPSIADES. Rest undisturbed and teach him. 'Tis a most intelligent
nature. Even when quite little he amused himself at home with making
houses, carving boats, constructing little chariots of leather, and
understood wonderfully how to make frogs out of pomegranate rinds. Teach
him both methods of reasoning, the strong and also the weak, which by
false arguments triumphs over the strong; if not the two, at least the
false, and that in every possible way.

SOCRATES. 'Tis Just and Unjust Discourse themselves that shall instruct
him.[546]

STREPSIADES. I go, but forget it not, he must always, always be able to
confound the true.

JUST DISCOURSE. Come here! Shameless as you may be, will you dare to show
your face to the spectators?

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Take me where you list. I seek a throng, so that I may
the better annihilate you.

JUST DISCOURSE. Annihilate me! Do you forget who you are?

UNJUST DISCOURSE. I am Reasoning.

JUST DISCOURSE. Yes, the weaker Reasoning.[547]

UNJUST DISCOURSE. But I triumph over you, who claim to be the stronger.

JUST DISCOURSE. By what cunning shifts, pray?

UNJUST DISCOURSE. By the invention of new maxims.

JUST DISCOURSE. ... which are received with favour by these fools.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Say rather, by these wiseacres.

JUST DISCOURSE. I am going to destroy you mercilessly.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. How pray? Let us see you do it.

JUST DISCOURSE. By saying what is true.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. I shall retort and shall very soon have the better of
you. First, I maintain that justice has no existence.

JUST DISCOURSE. Has no existence?

UNJUST DISCOURSE. No existence! Why, where are they?

JUST DISCOURSE. With the gods.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. How then, if justice exists, was Zeus not put to death
for having put his father in chains?

JUST DISCOURSE. Bah! this is enough to turn my stomach! A basin, quick!

UNJUST DISCOURSE. You are an old driveller and stupid withal.

JUST DISCOURSE. And you a debauchee and a shameless fellow.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Hah! What sweet expressions!

JUST DISCOURSE. An impious buffoon!

UNJUST DISCOURSE. You crown me with roses and with lilies.

JUST DISCOURSE. A parricide.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Why, you shower gold upon me.

JUST DISCOURSE. Formerly, 'twas a hailstorm of blows.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. I deck myself with your abuse.

JUST DISCOURSE. What impudence!

UNJUST DISCOURSE. What tomfoolery!

JUST DISCOURSE. 'Tis because of you that the youth no longer attends the
schools. The Athenians will soon recognize what lessons you teach those
who are fools enough to believe you.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. You are overwhelmed with wretchedness.

JUST DISCOURSE. And you, you prosper. Yet you were poor when you said, "I
am the Mysian Telephus,"[548] and used to stuff your wallet with maxims
of Pandeletus[549] to nibble at.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Oh! the beautiful wisdom, of which you are now
boasting!

JUST DISCOURSE. Madman! But yet madder the city that keeps you, you, the
corrupter of its youth!

UNJUST DISCOURSE. 'Tis not you who will teach this young man; you are as
old and out of date as Saturn.

JUST DISCOURSE. Nay, it will certainly be I, if he does not wish to be
lost and to practise verbosity only.

UNJUST DISCOURSE (_to Phidippides_). Come hither and leave him to beat
the air.

JUST DISCOURSE (_to Unjust Discourse_). Evil be unto you, if you touch
him.

CHORUS. A truce to your quarrellings and abuse! But expound, you, what
you taught us formerly, and you, your new doctrine. Thus, after hearing
each of you argue, he will be able to choose betwixt the two schools.

JUST DISCOURSE. I am quite agreeable.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. And I too.

CHORUS. Who is to speak first?

UNJUST DISCOURSE. Let it be my opponent, he has my full consent; then I
will follow upon the very ground he shall have chosen and shall shatter
him with a hail of new ideas and subtle fancies; if after that he dares
to breathe another word, I shall sting him in the face and in the eyes
with our maxims, which are as keen as the sting of a wasp, and he will
die.

CHORUS. Here are two rivals confident in their powers of oratory and in
the thoughts over which they have pondered so long. Let us see which will
come triumphant out of the contest. This wisdom, for which my friends
maintain such a persistent fight, is in great danger. Come then, you, who
crowned men of other days with so many virtues, plead the cause dear to
you, make yourself known to us.

JUST DISCOURSE. Very well, I will tell you what was the old education,
when I used to teach justice with so much success and when modesty was
held in veneration. Firstly, it was required of a child, that it should
not utter a word. In the street, when they went to the music-school, all
the youths of the same district marched lightly clad and ranged in good
order, even when the snow was falling in great flakes. At the master's
house they had to stand, their legs apart, and they were taught to sing
either, "Pallas, the Terrible, who overturneth cities," or "A noise
resounded from afar"[550] in the solemn tones of the ancient harmony. If
anyone indulged in buffoonery or lent his voice any of the soft
inflexions, like those which to-day the disciples of Phrynis[551] take so
much pains to form, he was treated as an enemy of the Muses and
belaboured with blows. In the wrestling school they would sit with
outstretched legs and without display of any indecency to the curious.
When they rose, they would smooth over the sand, so as to leave no trace
to excite obscene thoughts. Never was a child rubbed with oil below the
belt; the rest of their bodies thus retained its fresh bloom and down,
like a velvety peach. They were not to be seen approaching a lover and
themselves rousing his passion by soft modulation of the voice and
lustful gaze. At table, they would not have dared, before those older
than themselves, to have taken a radish, an aniseed or a leaf of parsley,
and much less eat fish or thrushes or cross their legs.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. What antiquated rubbish! Have we got back to the days
of the festivals of Zeus Polieus,[552] to the Buphonia, to the time of
the poet Cecydes[553] and the golden cicadas?[554]

JUST DISCOURSE. 'Tis nevertheless by suchlike teaching I built up the men
of Marathon. But you, you teach the children of to-day to bundle
themselves quickly into their clothes, and I am enraged when I see them
at the Panathenaea forgetting Athené while they dance, and covering
themselves with their bucklers. Hence, young man, dare to range yourself
beside me, who follow justice and truth; you will then be able to shun
the public place, to refrain from the baths, to blush at all that is
shameful, to fire up if your virtue is mocked at, to give place to your
elders, to honour your parents, in short, to avoid all that is evil. Be
modesty itself, and do not run to applaud the dancing girls; if you
delight in such scenes, some courtesan will cast you her apple and your
reputation will be done for. Do not bandy words with your father, nor
treat him as a dotard, nor reproach the old man, who has cherished you,
with his age.

UNJUST DISCOURSE. If you listen to him, by Bacchus! you will be the image
of the sons of Hippocrates[555] and will be called _mother's great
ninny_.

JUST DISCOURSE. No, but you will pass your days at the gymnasia, glowing
with strength and health; you will not go to the public place to cackle
and wrangle as is done nowadays; you will not live in fear that you may
be dragged before the courts for some trifle exaggerated by quibbling.
But you will go down to the Academy[556] to run beneath the sacred olives
with some virtuous friend of your own age, your head encircled with the
white reed, enjoying your ease and breathing the perfume of the yew and
of the fresh sprouts of the poplar, rejoicing in the return of springtide
and gladly listening to the gentle rustle of the plane-tree and the elm.
If you devote yourself to practising my precepts, your chest will be
stout, your colour glowing, your shoulders broad, your tongue short, your
hips muscular, but your penis small. But if you follow the fashions of
the day, you will be pallid in hue, have narrow shoulders, a narrow
chest, a long tongue, small hips and a big tool; you will know how to
spin forth long-winded arguments on law. You will be persuaded also to
regard as splendid everything that is shameful and as shameful everything
that is honourable; in a word, you will wallow in debauchery like
Antimachus.[557]

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