Remarks by Bill Nye

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Removing the seals from the jars as soon as I had returned from the
express office, I poured off the alcohol and recklessly threw it away.
A true scientist does not care for expense.

The first specimen was in a good state of preservation on its arrival. I
never saw a more beautiful or robust proliferation epitherial cell nest in
my life. It must have been secured immediately after the old epitherial
had left the nest, and it was in good order on its arrival. The whole
lobule was looking first-rate. You might ride for a week and not run
across a prettier lobule or a more artistic aggregation of cell nests
outside a penitentiary.

Only one cell nest had been allowed to dry up on the way, and this looked
a good deal fatigued. In one specimen I noticed a carneous degeneration,
but this is really no reflection on Mr. Flannery personally. While he has
been ill it is not surprising that he should allow his cell nests to
carneously degenerate. Such a thing might happen to almost any of us.

One of the scrapings from the sore on the right posterior fauces, I found
on its arrival, had been seriously injured, and therefore not available. I
return it herewith.

From an examination, which has been conducted with great care, I am led to
believe that the right posterior rafter of Mr. Flannery's mouth is
slightly indurated, and it is barely possible that the northeast duplex
and parotid gable end of the roof of his mouth may become involved.

I wish you would ask Mr. Flannery's immediate relatives, if you can do so
without arousing alarm in the breast of the patient, if there has ever
been a marked predisposition on the part of his ancestors to tubercular
gumboil. I do not wish to be understood as giving this diagnosis as final
at all, but from what I have already stated, taken together with other
clinical and pathological data within my reach, and the fact that minute,
tabulated gumboil bactinae were found floating through some of the cell
nests, I have every reason to fear the worst. I would be glad to receive
from you for microscopic examination a fragment of Mr. Flannery's
malpighian layer, showing evidences of cell proliferation. I only suggest
this, of course, as practicable in case there should be a malpighian layer
which Mr. Flannery is not using. Do not ask him to take a malpighian layer
off her cell nest just to please me.

From one microscopic examination I hardly feel justified in giving a
diagnosis, nor care to venture any suggestion as to treatment, but it
might be well to kalsomine the roof of Mr. Flannery's mouth with
gum-arabic, white lime and glue in equal parts.

There has already been some extravatations and a marked multiformity. I
also noticed an inflamed and angry color to the stroma with trimmings of
the same. This might only indicate that Mr. Flannery had kept his mouth
open too much during the summer, and sunburned the roof of his mouth, were
it not that I also discovered traces of gumboil microbes of the squamous
variety. This leads me to fear the worst for Mr. Flannery. However, if the
gentlemanly, courteous and urbane members of the Academy of Science, of
Erin Prairie, to whom I am already largely indebted for past favors, will
kindly forward to me, prepaid, another scraping from the mansard roof of
Mr. Flannery's mouth next week, I will open another keg of hard words and
trace this gumboil theory to a successful termination, if I have to use up
the whole ceiling of the patient's mouth.

Yours, with great sincerity, profundity and verbosity,

Bill Nye,
Microscopist, Lobulist and Microbist.

Hudson, Wis., May 3.

Parental Advice.

The past fifty years have done much for the newspaper and periodical
readers of the United States. That period has been fruitful of great
advancement and a great reduction in price, but these are not all. Fifty
years and less have classified information so that science and sense are
conveniently found, and humor and nonsense have their proper sphere. All
branches are pretty full of lively and thoroughly competent writers, who
take hold of their own special work even as the thorough, quick-eyed
mechanic takes hold of his line of labor and acquits himself in a
creditable manner. The various lines of journalism may appear to be
crowded, but they are not. There may be too much vagabond journalism, but
the road that is traveled by the legitimate laborer is not crowded. The
clean, Caucasian journalist, as he climbs the hill, is not crowded very
much. He can make out to elbow his way toward the front, if he tries very
hard. There may be too much James Crow science, and too much editorial
vandalism and gush, and too much of the journalism for revenue only. There
may be too much ringworm humor also, but there is still a demand for the
scientific work of the true student. There is still a good market for
honest editorial opinion, reliable news and fearless and funny paragraph
work and character sketches, as the song and dance men would say.

All this, however, points in one direction. It all has one hoarse voice,
and in the tones of the culverin, whatever that is, it says that to the
young man who is starting out with the intention of filling the tomb of a
millionaire, "Learn to do something well."

Lots of people rather disliked the famous British hangman, and thought he
hadn't made a great record for himself, but he performed a duty that had
to be done by someone, and no one ever complained much about Marwood's
work. He warranted every job and told everyone that if they were
dissatisfied he would refund their money at the door. No man ever came
back to Marwood and said, "Sir, you broke my neck in an unworkmanlike
manner."

It is better to be a successful hangman than to be the banished, abused
and heart-broken, cast-off husband of a great actress. Learn to take hold
of some business and jerk it bald-headed. Learn to dress yourself first.
This will give you self-assurance, so that you can go away from home and
not be dependent on your mother. Teach yourself to be accurate and careful
in all things. It is better to turn the handle of a sausage grinder and
make a style of sausage that is free from hydrophobia, than to be the
extremely hence cashier of a stranded bank, fighting horseflies in the
solemn hush of a Canadian forest.

People have wrong ideas of the respective merits of different avocations.
It is better to be the successful driver of a dray than to be the
unsuccessful inventor of a still-born motor. I would rather discover how
to successfully wean a calf from the parent stem without being boosted
over a nine rail fence, than to discover a new star that had never been
used, and the next evening find that it had made an assignment.

Boys, oh, boys! How I wish I could take each of you by the ear and lead
you away by yourselves, and show you how many ruins strew the road to
success, and how life is like a mining boom. We only hear of those who
strike it rich. The hopeful, industrious prospector who failed to find the
contact and finally filled a nameless grave, is soon forgotten when he is
gone, but a million tongues tell to forty million listening ears of the
man who struck it rich and went to Europe.

Therefore make haste to advance slowly and surely. I am aware that your
ears ache with the abundance wherewith ye are advised, but if ye seek not
to brace up while yet it is called to-day, and file away information for
future reference and cease to look upon the fifteen-ball pool game when it
moveth itself aright, at such time as ye think not ye shall be in
pecuniary circumstances and there shall be none to indorse for you--nay,
not one.

Early Day Justice.[2]

[Footnote 2: _From the Chicago Rambler_.]

Those were troublesome times, indeed. All wool justice in the courts was
impossible. The vigilance committee, or Salvation Army as it called
itself, didn't make much fuss about it, but we all knew that the best
citizens belonged to it and were in good standing.

It was in those days when young Stewart was short-handed for a sheep
herder, and had to take up with a sullen, hairy vagrant, called by the
other boys "Esau." Esau hadn't been on the ranch a week before he made
trouble with the proprietor and got the red-hot blessing from Stewart he
deserved.

Then Esau got madder and sulked away down the valley among the little sage
brush hummocks and white alkali waste land to nurse his wrath. When
Stewart drove into the corral at night, from town, Esau raised up from
behind an old sheep dip tank, and without a word except what may have
growled around in his black heart, he raised a leveled Spencer and shot
his young employer dead.

That was the tragedy of the week only. Others had occurred before and
others would probably occur again. It was getting too prevalent for
comfort. So, as soon as a quick cayuse and a boy could get down into
town, the news spread and the authorities began in the routine manner to
set the old legal mill to running. Someone had to go down to "The Tivoli"
and find the prosecuting attorney, then a messenger had to go to "The
Alhambra" for the justice of the peace. The prosecuting attorney was
"full" and the judge had just drawn one card to complete a straight flush,
and had succeeded.

In the meantime the Salvation Army was fully half way to Clugston's ranch.
They had started out, as they said, "to see that Esau didn't get away."
They were going out there to see that Esau was brought into town.

[Illustration: THE SALVATION ARMY.]

What happened after they got there I only know from hearsay, for I was not
a member of the Salvation Army at that time. But I got it from one of
those present, that they found Esau down in the sage brush on the bottoms
that lie between the abrupt corner of Sheep Mountain and the Little
Laramie River. They captured him, but he died soon after, as it was told
me, from the effects of opium taken with suicidal intent. I remember
seeing Esau the next morning and I thought there were signs of ropium, as
there was a purple streak around the neck of deceased, together with other
external phenomena not peculiar to opium.

But the great difficulty with the Salvation Army was that it didn't want
to bring Esau into town. A long, cold night ride with a person in Esau's
condition was disagreeable. Twenty miles of lonely road with a deceased
murderer in the bottom of the wagon is depressing. Those of my readers who
have tried it will agree with me that it is not calculated to promote
hilarity. So the Salvation Army stopped at Whatley's ranch to get warm,
hoping that someone would steal the remains and elope with them. They
stayed some time and managed to "give away" the fact that there was a
reward of $5,000 out for Esau, dead or alive. The Salvation Army even went
so far as to betray a great deal of hilarity over the easy way it had
nailed the reward, or would as soon as said remains were delivered up and
identified.

Mr. Whatley thought that the Salvation Army was having a kind of walkaway,
so he slipped out at the back door of the ranch, put Esau into his own
wagon and drove away to town. Remember, this is the way it was told to me.

Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild and
disappointed yells of the Salvation Army. He put the buckskin on the backs
of his horses without mercy, driven on by the enraged shouts and yells of
his infuriated pursuers. He reached town about midnight, and his pursuers
disappeared. But what was he to do with Esau?

He drove around all over town, trying to find the official who signed for
the deceased. Mr. Whatley went from house to house like a vegetable man,
seeking sadly for the party who would give him a $5,000 check for Esau.
Nothing could be more depressing than to wake up one man after another out
of a sound sleep and invite him to come out to the buggy and identify the
remains. One man went out and looked at him. He said he didn't know how
others felt about it, but he allowed that anybody who would pay $5,000 for
such a remains as Esau's could not have very good taste.

Gradually it crept through Mr. Whatley's wool that the Salvation Army had
been working him, so he left Esau at the engine house and went home. On
his ranch he nailed up a large board on which had been painted in antique
characters with a paddle and tar the following stanzas:

Vigilance Committees, Salvation Armies, Morgues, or young physicians who
may have deceased people on their hands, are requested to refrain from
conferring them on to the undersigned.

People who contemplate shuffling off their own or other people's mortal
coils, will please not do so on these grounds.

The Salvation Army of the Rocky Mountains is especially hereby warned to
keep off the grass!

James Whatley.

The Indian Orator.

I like to read of the Indian orator in the old school books. Most everyone
does. It is generally remarkable that the American Demosthenes, so far,
has dwelt in the tepee, and lived on the debris of the deer and the
buffalo. I mean to say that the school readers have impressed us with the
great magnetism of the crude warrior who dwelt in the wilderness and ate
his game, feathers and all, while he studied the art of swaying the
audience by his oratorical powers.

I am inclined to think that Black Hawk and Logan must have been fortunate
in securing mighty able private secretaries, or that they stood in with
the stenographers of their day. At least, the Blue Juniata warriors of our
time, from Little Crow, Red Iron, Standing Buffalo, Hole-in-the-Day and
Sitting Bull, to Victoria, Colorow, Douglas, Persume, Captain Jack and
Shavano, seem to do better as lobbyists than they do as orators. They may
be keen, logical and shrewd, but they are not eloquent. In some minds,
Black Hawk will ever appear as the Patrick Henry of his people; but I
prefer to honor his unknown, unhonored and unsung amanuensis. Think what a
godsend such a man would have been to Senator Tabor.

The Indian orator of to-day is not scholarly and grand. He is soiled,
ignorant and sedentary in his habits. An orator ought to take care of his
health. He cannot overload his stomach and make a bronze Daniel Webster of
himself. He cannot eat a raw buffalo for breakfast and at once attack the
question of tariff for revenue only. His brain is not clear enough. He
cannot digest the mammalia of North America and seek out the delicate
intricacies of the financial problem at the same time. All scientists and
physiologists will readily see why this is true.

It is quite popular to say that the modern Indian has seen too much of
civilization. This may be true. Anyhow, civilization has seen too much of
him. I hope the day will never come when the pale face and the White
Father will have to stay on their reservation, whether the red man does or
not.

Indian eloquence, toned down by the mellow haze of a hundred years, sounds
very well, but the clarion voice of the red orator has died away. The
stony figure, the eagle eye, the matchless presence, have all ceased to
palpitate.

He does not say: "I am an aged hemlock. I am dead at the top. The forest
is filled with the ghosts of my people. I hear their moans on the night
winds and in the sighing pines." He does not talk in the blank verse of a
century ago. He uses a good many blanks, but it is not blank verse. Even
the Indian's friend would admit that it was not blank verse. Perhaps it
might be called blankety verse.

Once he pleaded for the land of his fathers. Now he howls for grub, guns
and fixed ammunition.

I tried to interview a big Crow chief once. I had heard some Sioux, and
learned a few irrelevant and disconnected Ute phrases. I connected these
with some Spanish terms and hoped to get a reply, and keep up a kind of
running conversation that might mislead a friend who was with me, into the
belief that I was as familiar with the Indian tongue as with my own. I
began conversing with him in my polyglot manner. I did not get a reply. I
conversed with him some more in a desultory way, for I had heard that he
was a great orator in his tribe, and I wanted to get his views on national
affairs. Still he was silent. He would not even answer me. I got hostile
and used some badly damaged Spanish on him. Then I used some sprained and
dislocated German on him, but he didn't seem to wot whereof I spoke.

Then my friend, with all the assurance of a fresh young manhood, began to
talk with the great warrior in the English language, and incidentally
asked him about a new Indian agent, who had the name of being a bogus
Christian with an eye to the main chance.

My friend talked very loud, with the idea that the chieftain could
understand any language if spoken so that you could hear it in the next
Territory. At the mention of the Indian agent's name, the Crow statesman
brightened up and made a remark. He simply said: "Ugh! too much God and no
flour."

You Heah Me, Sah!

Col. Visscher, of Denver, who is delivering his lecture, "Sixty Minutes in
the War," tells a good story on himself of an episode, or something of
that nature, that occurred to him in the days when he was the amanuensis
of George D. Prentice.

Visscher, in those days, was a fair-haired young man, with pale blue eyes,
and destitute of that wealth of brow and superficial area of polished dome
which he now exhibits on the rostrum. He was learning the lesson of life
then, and every now and then he would bump up against an octagonal mass of
cold-pressed truth of the never-dying variety that seemed to kind of stun
and concuss him.

One day Mr. Visscher wandered into a prominent hotel in Louisville, and,
observing with surprise and pleasure that "boiled lobster" was one of the
delicacies on the bill of fare, he ordered one.

He never had seen lobster, and a rare treat seemed to be in store for him.
He breathed in what atmosphere there was in the dining-room, and waited
for his bird. At last it was brought in. Mr. Visscher took one hasty look
at the great scarlet mass of voluptuous limbs and oceanic nippers, and
sighed. The lobster was as large as a door mat, and had a very angry and
inflamed appearance. Visscher ordered in a powerful cocktail to give him
courage, and then he tried to carve off some of the breast.

The lobster is honery even in death. He is eccentric and trifling. Those
who know him best are the first to evade him and shun him. Visscher had
failed to straddle the wish bone with his fork properly, and the talented
bird of the deep rolling sea slipped out of the platter, waved itself
across the horizon twice, and buried itself in the bosom of the eminent
and talented young man. The eminent and talented young man took it in his
napkin, put it carefully on the table, and went away.

As he passed out, the head waiter said:

"Mr. Visscher, was there anything the matter with your lobster?"

Visscher is a full-blooded Kentuckian, and answered in the courteous
dialect of the blue-grass country.

"Anything the matter with my lobster, sah? No, sah. The lobster is very
vigorous, sah. If you had asked me how I was, sah, I should have answered
you very differently, sah. I am not well at all, sah. If I were as well,
and as ruddy, and as active as that lobster, sah, I would live forever,
sah. You heah me, sah?

"Why, of course, I am not familiar with the habits of the lobster, sah,
and do not know how to kearve the bosom of the bloomin' peri of the summer
sea, but that's no reason why the inflamed reptile should get up on his
hind feet and nestle up to me, sah, in that earnest and forthwith manner,
sah.

"I love dumb beasts, sah, and they love me, sah; but when they are dead,
sah, and I undertake to kearve them, sah, I desiah, sah, that they should
remain as the undertakah left them, sah. You doubtless heah me, sah!"

Plato.

Plato was a Greek philosopher who flourished about 426 B.C., and kept on
flourishing for eighty-one years after that, when he suddenly ceased do so.
He early took to poetry, but when he found that his poems were rejected by
the Greek papers, he ceased writing poetry and went into the philosophy
business. At that time Greece had no regular philosopher, and so Plato
soon got all he could do.

Plato was a pupil of Socrates, who was himself no slouch of a
philosopher. Many and many a day did Socrates take his little class of
kindergarten philosophers up the shady banks of the Ilissus, and sit all
day discoursing to his pupils on deep and difficult doctrines, while his
unsandaled feet were bathed in the genial tide. Many happy hours were
thus spent. Socrates would take his dinner or tell some wonderful tale
to his class, whereby he would win their dinner himself. Then in the
deep Athenian shade, with his bare, Gothic feet in the clear, calm
waters of the Ilissus, he would eat the Grecian doughnut of his pupils,
and while he spoke in poetic terms of his belief, he would dig his heel
in the mud and heave a heart-broken sigh.

Such was Socrates, the great teacher. He got a small salary, and went
barefoot till after Thanksgiving. He was a great tutor, and boarded
around, teaching in the open air while the mosquitos bit his bare feet.
No tutor ever tuted with a more unselfish purpose or a smaller salary.

Plato maintained, among other things, that evil is connected with matter,
and aside from matter we do not find evil existing. That is true. At
least, such evil as we might find apart from matter would be outside the
jurisdiction of a police court. I think Plato was correct. Evil and
matter are inseparable. That's what's the matter.

It is quite common for us to say that virtue is its own reward. Plato
held that, while it was better to be virtuous as a matter of economy and
ultimate peace than not to be virtuous at all, he believed in being
virtuous for a higher reason. Probably it was notoriety. He would rather
be right than be president. He believed in being good just for the
excitement of it, and the notice it would attract, and not because it
paid. Plato was a great virtuoso.

Socrates would have been called a crank if he had lived in our day and
age, and if Plato were to go into London or New York and talk of
organizing a society for the encouragement of virtue among adult male
taxpayers he would have a lonesome time of it. Be virtuous and you will
be happy was a favorite motto with Plato. The legend is still quoted by
those who love to ransack the dead past.

[Illustration: NEPTUNE TAKING A RIDE.]

Pluto was quite another party, and some get him mixed up with Plato.
They were not related in any way, Pluto being a son of Saturn and Rhea,
who flourished at about the same time as Plato. Pluto was a brother of
Jupiter and Neptune, and when the estate of Saturn was wound up, Jupiter
wanted the earth, and he got it. Neptune wanted the codfish conservatory
and the mermaid's home, so he took the deep, deep sea, and even yet he
rides around in a gold spangled stone boat on the pale green billows of
the summer sea, jabbing a pickerel ever and anon with a three pronged
fork. He leads a gay life, going to picnics with the mermaids in their
coral caves, or attending their full evening dress parties, clad in a
trident and a fall beard. He loves the sea, the lone, blue sea, and
those who have seen him turning handsprings on a sponge lawn, or riding
in his water-tight chariot with his feet over the dash-board, beside a
slim young mermaid with Paris green hair, and dressed in a
tight-fitting, low-neck dorsal fin, say he is a lively old party.

But Pluto was different. He stood around till the estate was all closed
up, and it looked as though he had got left. Just then the administrator
says: "Why, here's Pluto. He is going to come out of the little end of
the horn. He will have to hustle for himself," Pluto resented this and
clinched with the administrator. They fought till each had a watch pocket
on the brow and an Irish sunset symphony in green under the eye, while
Jupiter and Neptune stood by and encouraged the fight. Jupiter rather
took sides with his brother, and Neptune stood in with the administrator.
In the midst of the confusion Jupiter speaks up and says: "Swat him under
the ear, Pluto." Whereupon Neptune says to the administrator. "Give
him--hail." The administrator paused and said that was a good suggestion.
He would do so. And so he forgave Pluto and gave him--sheol.

The Expensive Word.

Much that is annoying in this life is occasioned by the use of a high
priced word where a cheaper one would do. In these days of failure,
shortage at both ends and financial stringency generally, I often wonder
that some people should go on, day after day, using just as extravagant
language as they did during the flush times. When I get hard up the first
thing I do is to economize in my expressions in every day conversation. If
there is a marked stringency in business, I lay aside first, my French,
then my Latin, and finally my German. Should the times become greatly
depressed and failures and assignments become frequent, I begin to lop off
the large words in my own language, beginning with "incomprehensibility,"
"unconstitutionally," etc., etc.

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