Joseph Andrews, Vol. 2 by Henry Fielding

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Adams seemed now very much dejected, which his wife perceiving, began to
apply some matrimonial balsam. She told him he had reason to be
concerned, for that he had probably ruined his family with his tricks
almost; but perhaps he was grieved for the loss of his two children,
Joseph and Fanny. His eldest daughter went on: "Indeed, father, it is
very hard to bring strangers here to eat your children's bread out of
their mouths. You have kept them ever since they came home; and, for
anything I see to the contrary, may keep them a month longer; are you
obliged to give her meat, tho'f she was never so handsome? But I don't
see she is so much handsomer than other people. If people were to be
kept for their beauty, she would scarce fare better than her neighbours,
I believe. As for Mr Joseph, I have nothing to say; he is a young man of
honest principles, and will pay some time or other for what he hath; but
for the girl--why doth she not return to her place she ran away from? I
would not give such a vagabond slut a halfpenny though I had a million
of money; no, though she was starving." "Indeed but I would," cries
little Dick; "and, father, rather than poor Fanny shall be starved, I
will give her all this bread and cheese"--(offering what he held in his
hand). Adams smiled on the boy, and told him he rejoiced to see he was a
Christian; and that if he had a halfpenny in his pocket, he would have
given it him; telling him it was his duty to look upon all his
neighbours as his brothers and sisters, and love them accordingly. "Yes,
papa," says he, "I love her better than my sisters, for she is handsomer
than any of them." "Is she so, saucebox?" says the sister, giving him a
box on the ear; which the father would probably have resented, had not
Joseph, Fanny, and the pedlar at that instant returned together. Adams
bid his wife prepare some food for their dinner; she said, "Truly she
could not, she had something else to do." Adams rebuked her for
disputing his commands, and quoted many texts of Scripture to prove
"That the husband is the head of the wife, and she is to submit and
obey." The wife answered, "It was blasphemy to talk Scripture out of
church; that such things were very proper to be said in the pulpit, but
that it was profane to talk them in common discourse." Joseph told Mr
Adams "He was not come with any design to give him or Mrs Adams any
trouble; but to desire the favour of all their company to the George (an
ale-house in the parish), where he had bespoke a piece of bacon and
greens for their dinner." Mrs Adams, who was a very good sort of woman,
only rather too strict in oeconomies, readily accepted this invitation,
as did the parson himself by her example; and away they all walked
together, not omitting little Dick, to whom Joseph gave a shilling when
he heard of his intended liberality to Fanny.

CHAPTER XII.

_Where the good-natured reader will see something which will give him no
great pleasure._

The pedlar had been very inquisitive from the time he had first heard
that the great house in this parish belonged to the Lady Booby, and had
learnt that she was the widow of Sir Thomas, and that Sir Thomas had
bought Fanny, at about the age of three or four years, of a travelling
woman; and, now their homely but hearty meal was ended, he told Fanny
he believed he could acquaint her with her parents. The whole company,
especially she herself, started at this offer of the pedlar's. He then
proceeded thus, while they all lent their strictest attention:--"Though
I am now contented with this humble way of getting my livelihood, I was
formerly a gentleman; for so all those of my profession are called. In
a word, I was a drummer in an Irish regiment of foot. Whilst I was in
this honourable station I attended an officer of our regiment into
England a-recruiting. In our march from Bristol to Froome (for since
the decay of the woollen trade the clothing towns have furnished the
army with a great number of recruits) we overtook on the road a woman,
who seemed to be about thirty years old or thereabouts, not very
handsome, but well enough for a soldier. As we came up to her, she
mended her pace, and falling into discourse with our ladies (for every
man of the party, namely, a serjeant, two private men, and a drum, were
provided with their woman except myself), she continued to travel on
with us. I, perceiving she must fall to my lot, advanced presently to
her, made love to her in our military way, and quickly succeeded to my
wishes. We struck a bargain within a mile, and lived together as man
and wife to her dying day." "I suppose," says Adams, interrupting him,
"you were married with a licence; for I don't see how you could
contrive to have the banns published while you were marching from place
to place." "No, sir," said the pedlar, "we took a licence to go to bed
together without any banns." "Ay! ay!" said the parson; "_ex
necessitate_, a licence may be allowable enough; but surely, surely,
the other is the more regular and eligible way." The pedlar proceeded
thus: "She returned with me to our regiment, and removed with us from
quarters to quarters, till at last, whilst we lay at Galloway, she fell
ill of a fever and died. When she was on her death-bed she called me to
her, and, crying bitterly, declared she could not depart this world
without discovering a secret to me, which, she said, was the only sin
which sat heavy on her heart. She said she had formerly travelled in a
company of gypsies, who had made a practice of stealing away children;
that for her own part, she had been only once guilty of the crime;
which, she said, she lamented more than all the rest of her sins, since
probably it might have occasioned the death of the parents; for, added
she, it is almost impossible to describe the beauty of the young
creature, which was about a year and a half old when I kidnapped it. We
kept her (for she was a girl) above two years in our company, when I
sold her myself, for three guineas, to Sir Thomas Booby, in
Somersetshire. Now, you know whether there are any more of that name in
this county." "Yes," says Adams, "there are several Boobys who are
squires, but I believe no baronet now alive; besides, it answers so
exactly in every point, there is no room for doubt; but you have forgot
to tell us the parents from whom the child was stolen." "Their name,"
answered the pedlar, "was Andrews. They lived about thirty miles from
the squire; and she told me that I might be sure to find them out by
one circumstance; for that they had a daughter of a very strange name,
Pamela, or Pam_e_la; some pronounced it one way, and some the other."
Fanny, who had changed colour at the first mention of the name, now
fainted away; Joseph turned pale, and poor Dicky began to roar; the
parson fell on his knees, and ejaculated many thanksgivings that this
discovery had been made before the dreadful sin of incest was
committed; and the pedlar was struck with amazement, not being able to
account for all this confusion; the cause of which was presently opened
by the parson's daughter, who was the only unconcerned person (for the
mother was chafing Fanny's temples, and taking the utmost care of her):
and, indeed, Fanny was the only creature whom the daughter would not
have pitied in her situation; wherein, though we compassionate her
ourselves, we shall leave her for a little while, and pay a short visit
to Lady Booby.

CHAPTER XIII.

_The history, returning to the Lady Booby, gives some account of the
terrible conflict in her breast between love and pride; with what
happened on the present discovery._

The lady sat down with her company to dinner, but eat nothing. As soon
as her cloth was removed she whispered Pamela that she was taken a
little ill, and desired her to entertain her husband and beau Didapper.
She then went up into her chamber, sent for Slipslop, threw herself on
the bed in the agonies of love, rage, and despair; nor could she conceal
these boiling passions longer without bursting. Slipslop now approached
her bed, and asked how her ladyship did; but, instead of revealing her
disorder, as she intended, she entered into a long encomium on the
beauty and virtues of Joseph Andrews; ending, at last, with expressing
her concern that so much tenderness should be thrown away on so
despicable an object as Fanny. Slipslop, well knowing how to humour her
mistress's frenzy, proceeded to repeat, with exaggeration, if possible,
all her mistress had said, and concluded with a wish that Joseph had
been a gentleman, and that she could see her lady in the arms of such a
husband. The lady then started from the bed, and, taking a turn or two
across the room, cryed out, with a deep sigh, "Sure he would make any
woman happy!"--"Your ladyship," says she, "would be the happiest woman
in the world with him. A fig for custom and nonsense! What 'vails what
people say? Shall I be afraid of eating sweetmeats because people may
say I have a sweet tooth? If I had a mind to marry a man, all the world
should not hinder me. Your ladyship hath no parents to tutelar your
infections; besides, he is of your ladyship's family now, and as good a
gentleman as any in the country; and why should not a woman follow her
mind as well as man? Why should not your ladyship marry the brother as
well as your nephew the sister. I am sure, if it was a fragrant crime, I
would not persuade your ladyship to it."--"But, dear Slipslop," answered
the lady, "if I could prevail on myself to commit such a weakness, there
is that cursed Fanny in the way, whom the idiot--O how I hate and
despise him!"--"She! a little ugly mynx," cries Slipslop; "leave her to
me. I suppose your ladyship hath heard of Joseph's fitting with one of
Mr Didapper's servants about her; and his master hath ordered them to
carry her away by force this evening. I'll take care they shall not want
assistance. I was talking with this gentleman, who was below, just when
your ladyship sent for me."--"Go back," says the Lady Booby, "this
instant, for I expect Mr Didapper will soon be going. Do all you can;
for I am resolved this wench shall not be in our family: I will
endeavour to return to the company; but let me know as soon as she is
carried off." Slipslop went away; and her mistress began to arraign her
own conduct in the following manner:--

"What am I doing? How do I suffer this passion to creep imperceptibly
upon me? How many days are past since I could have submitted to ask
myself the question?--Marry a footman! Distraction! Can I afterwards
bear the eyes of my acquaintance? But I can retire from them; retire
with one in whom I propose more happiness than the world without him
can give me! Retire-to feed continually on beauties which my inflamed
imagination sickens with eagerly gazing on; to satisfy every appetite,
every desire, with their utmost wish. Ha! and do I doat thus on a
footman? I despise, I detest my passion.--Yet why? Is he not generous,
gentle, kind?--Kind! to whom? to the meanest wretch, a creature below my
consideration. Doth he not--yes, he doth prefer her. Curse his beauties,
and the little low heart that possesses them; which can basely descend
to this despicable wench, and be ungratefully deaf to all the honours I
do him. And can I then love this monster? No, I will tear his image from
my bosom, tread on him, spurn him. I will have those pitiful charms,
which now I despise, mangled in my sight; for I will not suffer the
little jade I hate to riot in the beauties I contemn. No; though I
despise him myself, though I would spurn him from my feet, was he to
languish at them, no other should taste the happiness I scorn. Why do I
say happiness? To me it would be misery. To sacrifice my reputation, my
character, my rank in life, to the indulgence of a mean and a vile
appetite! How I detest the thought! How much more exquisite is the
pleasure resulting from the reflection of virtue and prudence than the
faint relish of what flows from vice and folly! Whither did I suffer
this improper, this mad passion to hurry me, only by neglecting to
summon the aids of reason to my assistance? Reason, which hath now set
before me my desires in their proper colours, and immediately helped me
to expel them. Yes, I thank Heaven and my pride, I have now perfectly
conquered this unworthy passion; and if there was no obstacle in its
way, my pride would disdain any pleasures which could be the consequence
of so base, so mean, so vulgar--" Slipslop returned at this instant in a
violent hurry, and with the utmost eagerness cryed out, "O madam! I have
strange news. Tom the footman is just come from the George; where, it
seems, Joseph and the rest of them are a jinketting; and he says there
is a strange man who hath discovered that Fanny and Joseph are brother
and sister."--"How, Slipslop?" cries the lady, in a surprize.--"I had
not time, madam," cries Slipslop, "to enquire about particles, but Tom
says it is most certainly true."

This unexpected account entirely obliterated all those admirable
reflections which the supreme power of reason had so wisely made just
before. In short, when despair, which had more share in producing the
resolutions of hatred we have seen taken, began to retreat, the lady
hesitated a moment, and then, forgetting all the purport of her
soliloquy, dismissed her woman again, with orders to bid Tom attend her
in the parlour, whither she now hastened to acquaint Pamela with the
news. Pamela said she could not believe it; for she had never heard that
her mother had lost any child, or that she had ever had any more than
Joseph and herself. The lady flew into a violent rage with her, and
talked of upstarts and disowning relations who had so lately been on a
level with her. Pamela made no answer; but her husband, taking up her
cause, severely reprimanded his aunt for her behaviour to his wife: he
told her, if it had been earlier in the evening she should not have
staid a moment longer in her house; that he was convinced, if this young
woman could be proved her sister, she would readily embrace her as such,
and he himself would do the same. He then desired the fellow might be
sent for, and the young woman with him, which Lady Booby immediately
ordered; and, thinking proper to make some apology to Pamela for what
she had said, it was readily accepted, and all things reconciled.

The pedlar now attended, as did Fanny and Joseph, who would not quit
her; the parson likewise was induced, not only by curiosity, of which he
had no small portion, but his duty, as he apprehended it, to follow
them; for he continued all the way to exhort them, who were now breaking
their hearts, to offer up thanksgivings, and be joyful for so miraculous
an escape.

When they arrived at Booby-Hall they were presently called into the
parlour, where the pedlar repeated the same story he had told before,
and insisted on the truth of every circumstance; so that all who heard
him were extremely well satisfied of the truth, except Pamela, who
imagined, as she had never heard either of her parents mention such an
accident, that it must be certainly false; and except the Lady Booby,
who suspected the falsehood of the story from her ardent desire that it
should be true; and Joseph, who feared its truth, from his earnest
wishes that it might prove false.

Mr Booby now desired them all to suspend their curiosity and absolute
belief or disbelief till the next morning, when he expected old Mr
Andrews and his wife to fetch himself and Pamela home in his coach, and
then they might be certain of certainly knowing the truth or falsehood
of this relation; in which, he said, as there were many strong
circumstances to induce their credit, so he could not perceive any
interest the pedlar could have in inventing it, or in endeavouring to
impose such a falsehood on them.

The Lady Booby, who was very little used to such company, entertained
them all--_viz_. her nephew, his wife, her brother and sister, the beau,
and the parson, with great good humour at her own table. As to the
pedlar, she ordered him to be made as welcome as possible by her
servants. All the company in the parlour, except the disappointed
lovers, who sat sullen and silent, were full of mirth; for Mr Booby had
prevailed on Joseph to ask Mr Didapper's pardon, with which he was
perfectly satisfied. Many jokes passed between the beau and the parson,
chiefly on each other's dress; these afforded much diversion to the
company. Pamela chid her brother Joseph for the concern which he exprest
at discovering a new sister. She said, if he loved Fanny as he ought,
with a pure affection, he had no reason to lament being related to
her.--Upon which Adams began to discourse on Platonic love; whence he
made a quick transition to the joys in the next world, and concluded
with strongly asserting that there was no such thing as pleasure in
this. At which Pamela and her husband smiled on one another.

This happy pair proposing to retire (for no other person gave the least
symptom of desiring rest), they all repaired to several beds provided
for them in the same house; nor was Adams himself suffered to go home,
it being a stormy night. Fanny indeed often begged she might go home
with the parson; but her stay was so strongly insisted on, that she at
last, by Joseph's advice, consented.

CHAPTER XIV.

_Containing several curious night-adventures, in which Mr Adams fell
into many hair-breadth 'scapes, partly owing to his goodness, and partly
to his inadvertency._

About an hour after they had all separated (it being now past three in
the morning), beau Didapper, whose passion for Fanny permitted him not
to close his eyes, but had employed his imagination in contrivances how
to satisfy his desires, at last hit on a method by which he hoped to
effect it. He had ordered his servant to bring him word where Fanny lay,
and had received his information; he therefore arose, put on his
breeches and nightgown, and stole softly along the gallery which led to
her apartment; and, being come to the door, as he imagined it, he opened
it with the least noise possible and entered the chamber. A savour now
invaded his nostrils which he did not expect in the room of so sweet a
young creature, and which might have probably had no good effect on a
cooler lover. However, he groped out the bed with difficulty, for there
was not a glimpse of light, and, opening the curtains, he whispered in
Joseph's voice (for he was an excellent mimic), "Fanny, my angel! I am
come to inform thee that I have discovered the falsehood of the story we
last night heard. I am no longer thy brother, but the lover; nor will I
be delayed the enjoyment of thee one moment longer. You have sufficient
assurances of my constancy not to doubt my marrying you, and it would be
want of love to deny me the possession of thy charms."--So saying, he
disencumbered himself from the little clothes he had on, and, leaping
into bed, embraced his angel, as he conceived her, with great rapture.
If he was surprized at receiving no answer, he was no less pleased to
find his hug returned with equal ardour. He remained not long in this
sweet confusion; for both he and his paramour presently discovered their
error. Indeed it was no other than the accomplished Slipslop whom he had
engaged; but, though she immediately knew the person whom she had
mistaken for Joseph, he was at a loss to guess at the representative of
Fanny. He had so little seen or taken notice of this gentlewoman, that
light itself would have afforded him no assistance in his conjecture.
Beau Didapper no sooner had perceived his mistake than he attempted to
escape from the bed with much greater haste than he had made to it; but
the watchful Slipslop prevented him. For that prudent woman, being
disappointed of those delicious offerings which her fancy had promised
her pleasure, resolved to make an immediate sacrifice to her virtue.
Indeed she wanted an opportunity to heal some wounds, which her late
conduct had, she feared, given her reputation; and, as she had a
wonderful presence of mind, she conceived the person of the unfortunate
beau to be luckily thrown in her way to restore her lady's opinion of
her impregnable chastity. At that instant, therefore, when he offered to
leap from the bed, she caught fast hold of his shirt, at the same time
roaring out, "O thou villain! who hast attacked my chastity, and, I
believe, ruined me in my sleep; I will swear a rape against thee, I will
prosecute thee with the utmost vengeance." The beau attempted to get
loose, but she held him fast, and when he struggled she cried out
"Murder! murder! rape! robbery! ruin!" At which words, parson Adams, who
lay in the next chamber, wakeful, and meditating on the pedlar's
discovery, jumped out of bed, and, without staying to put a rag of
clothes on, hastened into the apartment whence the cries proceeded. He
made directly to the bed in the dark, where, laying hold of the beau's
skin (for Slipslop had torn his shirt almost off), and finding his skin
extremely soft, and hearing him in a low voice begging Slipslop to let
him go, he no longer doubted but this was the young woman in danger of
ravishing, and immediately falling on the bed, and laying hold on
Slipslop's chin, where he found a rough beard, his belief was confirmed;
he therefore rescued the beau, who presently made his escape, and then,
turning towards Slipslop, received such a cuff on his chops, that, his
wrath kindling instantly, he offered to return the favour so stoutly,
that had poor Slipslop received the fist, which in the dark passed by
her and fell on the pillow, she would most probably have given up the
ghost. Adams, missing his blow, fell directly on Slipslop, who cuffed
and scratched as well as she could; nor was he behindhand with her in
his endeavours, but happily the darkness of the night befriended her.
She then cried she was a woman; but Adams answered, she was rather the
devil, and if she was he would grapple with him; and, being again
irritated by another stroke on his chops, he gave her such a remembrance
in the guts, that she began to roar loud enough to be heard all over the
house. Adams then, seizing her by the hair (for her double-clout had
fallen off in the scuffle), pinned her head down to the bolster, and
then both called for lights together. The Lady Booby, who was as wakeful
as any of her guests, had been alarmed from the beginning; and, being a
woman of a bold spirit, she slipt on a nightgown, petticoat, and
slippers, and taking a candle, which always burnt in her chamber, in her
hand, she walked undauntedly to Slipslop's room; where she entered just
at the instant as Adams had discovered, by the two mountains which
Slipslop carried before her, that he was concerned with a female. He
then concluded her to be a witch, and said he fancied those breasts gave
suck to a legion of devils. Slipslop, seeing Lady Booby enter the room,
cried help! or I am ravished, with a most audible voice: and Adams,
perceiving the light, turned hastily, and saw the lady (as she did him)
just as she came to the feet of the bed; nor did her modesty, when she
found the naked condition of Adams, suffer her to approach farther. She
then began to revile the parson as the wickedest of all men, and
particularly railed at his impudence in chusing her house for the scene
of his debaucheries, and her own woman for the object of his bestiality.
Poor Adams had before discovered the countenance of his bedfellow, and,
now first recollecting he was naked, he was no less confounded than Lady
Booby herself, and immediately whipt under the bedclothes, whence the
chaste Slipslop endeavoured in vain to shut him out. Then putting forth
his head, on which, by way of ornament, he wore a flannel nightcap, he
protested his innocence, and asked ten thousand pardons of Mrs Slipslop
for the blows he had struck her, vowing he had mistaken her for a witch.
Lady Booby, then casting her eyes on the ground, observed something
sparkle with great lustre, which, when she had taken it up, appeared to
be a very fine pair of diamond buttons for the sleeves. A little farther
she saw lie the sleeve itself of a shirt with laced ruffles. "Heyday!"
says she, "what is the meaning of this?" "O, madam," says Slipslop, "I
don't know what hath happened, I have been so terrified. Here may have
been a dozen men in the room." "To whom belongs this laced shirt and
jewels?" says the lady. "Undoubtedly," cries the parson, "to the young
gentleman whom I mistook for a woman on coming into the room, whence
proceeded all the subsequent mistakes; for if I had suspected him for a
man, I would have seized him, had he been another Hercules, though,
indeed, he seems rather to resemble Hylas." He then gave an account of
the reason of his rising from bed, and the rest, till the lady came into
the room; at which, and the figures of Slipslop and her gallant, whose
heads only were visible at the opposite corners of the bed, she could
not refrain from laughter; nor did Slipslop persist in accusing the
parson of any motions towards a rape. The lady therefore desired him to
return to his bed as soon as she was departed, and then ordering
Slipslop to rise and attend her in her own room, she returned herself
thither. When she was gone, Adams renewed his petitions for pardon to
Mrs Slipslop, who, with a most Christian temper, not only forgave, but
began to move with much courtesy towards him, which he taking as a hint
to begin, immediately quitted the bed, and made the best of his way
towards his own; but unluckily, instead of turning to the right, he
turned to the left, and went to the apartment where Fanny lay, who (as
the reader may remember) had not slept a wink the preceding night, and
who was so hagged out with what had happened to her in the day, that,
notwithstanding all thoughts of her Joseph, she was fallen into so
profound a sleep, that all the noise in the adjoining room had not been
able to disturb her. Adams groped out the bed, and, turning the clothes
down softly, a custom Mrs Adams had long accustomed him to, crept in,
and deposited his carcase on the bed-post, a place which that good woman
had always assigned him.

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