The Lincoln Story Book by Henry L. Williams

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"'On getting back to the palace the king had the astrologer
decapitated, and sent for the farmer to take his place.

"'"Law's sakes!" said the farmer, when he arrived, "it ain't me that
knows when it's going to rain, it's my donkey. When it's going to be
fair weather, he always carries his ears forward, so. When it's going
to rain, he puts 'em backward, so."

"'"Make the donkey the court astrologer!" shouted the king.

"'It was done; but the king always declared that that appointment was
the greatest mistake he ever made in his life.'

"Mr. Lincoln stopped there," said the office-seeker.

"'Why did he call it a mistake?" we asked him. 'Didn't the donkey do
his duty?'

"'Yes,' said the President, 'but after that every donkey in the
country wanted an office.'"

* * * * *

ENCOURAGE LONGING FOR WORK.

In 1861, the badgered President had so novel an application that he
wrote the annexed note to facilitate its harvest:

"To Major Ramsey: The lady--bearer of this--says she has two sons who
want to work. Set them at it, if possible. Wanting to work is so rare
a merit that it should be encouraged."

* * * * *

"BUT AARON GOT HIS COMMISSION!"

To animadversion on the President appointing to a post one who had
zealously opposed his reelection, he replied:

"Well, I allow that Judge E----, having been disappointed before, did
behave pretty 'ugly,' but that would not make him any less fit for the
place; and I think I have scriptural authority for appointing him. You
remember when the Lord was on Mount Sinai getting out a commission for
Aaron, said Aaron was at the foot of the mountain, making a false god
for the people to worship? Yet Aaron got his commission, you know."

* * * * *

SOMETHING LINCOLNIAN ALL COULD TAKE.

When the President had an attack of spotted fever, and was told he
must be immured, as it was catching, he smiled and said:

"It is a pity to shut the public off--as while every act of mine is
not taken to, _now_ I have something everybody might take!"

* * * * *

"NOT MANY SUCH BOYS OUTSIDE OF SUNDAY-SCHOOLS!"

A Boston business house was deceived in an errand boy. Fresh from the
country he succumbed to temptation and robbed the mails. His father
tried to get him off the penalty as the United States Government
took up the case. He went to Washington and prevailed on his
representative, Alexander H. Rice, to intercede for him. Rice and the
President were on familiar terms. As soon as the pleader presented
himself, Mr. Lincoln assumed an easy attitude, legs stretched, leaning
back, and read the petition.

"Well," said he, "did you meet a man going out as you came in? His
errand was to get a man out of the penitentiary, and now you come
to get a boy out of jail. I am bothered to death about these pardon
cases; but I am a little encouraged by _your_ visit. They are
after me on the men, but appear to be roping _you_ in on the
boys. What shall we do? The trouble appears to come from the courts.
Let us abolish the courts, and I think that will end the difficulty.
And it seems to me that the courts ought to be abolished, anyway, for
they appear to pick out the very best men in the community and send
them to the penitentiary, and now they are after the same kind of
boys. I don't know much about boys in Massachusetts, but according
to this petition, there are not many such boys as this one outside
the Sunday-schools in other parts!"

It was settled that if a majority of the Massachusetts delegates
signed the paper, a pardon would be given.--(Testified to by
Honorable Alexander H. Rice, former governor of Massachusetts.)

* * * * *

THE GOOD BOY GETS ON.

According to White House etiquette, as a congressman and a senator,
Wilson and Rice, called together on the President, they were admitted
in company. As they were readmitted from the anteroom a boy of about
twelve, on the lookout, slipped in with them. After the salutations
the host became absorbed in the intruder, as he was always interested
in the young.

But the two gentlemen were unable to answer the natural question:

"Who is this little boy?"

But the boy could speak for himself, and instantly said that he was
"a good boy," come to Washington in the hope of becoming a page in
the House of Representatives. The President began to say that Captain
Goodenow, head doorkeeper there, was the proper person to make that
application to, as he had nothing to do with such appointments. But
the good little boy pulled out his credentials, from his folks, the
squire, and the parson and schoolmaster, and they stated not only that
he was good, but good to his widow mother, and wanted to help the
needy family. The President called the boy up to him, studied him,
and wrote on his petition:

"If Captain Goodenow can give this good boy a place,
it will oblige A. LINCOLN."

(Vouched for by Alexander H. Rice, member of Congress, and ex-governor
of Massachusetts.)

* * * * *

HOW McCULLOCH WAS CONSTRAINED TO SERVE.

For two arduous years Hugh McCulloch, banker of Indianapolis, served
in organizing the Currency Control. He was looking forward to release
and repose at the second Administration, when the renewed incumbent
begged him to become secretary of the treasury. He remonstrated.

"But I could not help myself," he confessed to Janet Jennings. "Mr.
Lincoln looked at me with his sad, weary eyes, and throwing his arm
over my shoulder, said:

"'You must; the country needs you!'"

That was a gesture worth all the elegant tones in the elocution-books.

* * * * *

ALL MOUTH AND NO HANDS' CLASS.

"I hold if the Almighty had ever made a set of men that should do all
the eating, and none of the work, He would have made them with mouths
only and no hands, and if He had ever made another class that He had
intended should do all the work and none of the eating, He would have
made them without mouths and with all hands."--(A. Lincoln.)

* * * * *

HOT AND COLD THE SAME BREATH.

Underlaying the innate frankness, there was a deep shrewdness in
President Lincoln, which fitted him to cope with the most expert
politicians, albeit their vanity would not let them always or promptly
acknowledge it. When Chief Justice Taney died, the President had
already planned to fill up the vacancy and at the same time shelve
that thorn in his side, Salmon P. Chase. But always keeping his own
counsel, he was mute on that head, when an important deputation
attended to recommend Chase. After hearing the address, the President
asked for the engrossed memorial to be left with him.

"I want it, in order, if I appoint Mr. Chase, I may show the friends
of the other persons for whom the office is solicited, by how powerful
an influence and what strong recommendations I was obliged to
disregard in appointing him."

This was heard with great satisfaction, and the committee were about
to depart, thinking their man sure of the mark, when they perceived
that the chief had not finished all he had to say.

"And," he continued, "I want the paper, also, in order that, if I
should appoint any other person, I may show _his_ friends how
powerful an influence and what strong recommendations I was obliged
to disregard in appointing _him_."

The committee departed mystified.

* * * * *

WANTED THE JAIL EARNINGS.

A Western senator bothered the President about a client of his for
back pay of a dubious nature. Lincoln responded with one of his
evasive answers--that is, "a little story":

"Years ago, when imprisonment for debt was legal, a poor fellow was
sent to jail by his creditor, and compelled to serve out his debt at
the rate of a dollar and a half a day.

"When the sentence had expired, he informed the jailer of the fact and
asked to be released. The jailer insisted on keeping him four days
longer. Upon making up his statement, however, he found that the man
was right. The prisoner then demanded not only a receipt in full for
his debt, but also payment for four days' extra service, amounting to
six dollars, which he declared the county owed him. Now," concluded
Lincoln, "I think that county would be about as likely to pay this
man's claim as this government will be to pay your friend's claim for
back pay."--(Told before Colonel Noteware, of Colorado, a Western
senator, and a congressman.)

* * * * *

A TITLE NO HINDRANCE.

A German noble and military officer wished to serve as volunteer under
our colors. After being welcome, he thought it expedient to unfold
his family roll, so to say, but the ultra-democratic ruler gently
interpolated as if he saw an apology in the recital, and soothingly
observed:

"Oh, never mind that! You will find _that_ no hindrance to your
advance. You will be treated as fairly in spite of that!"

* * * * *

A TALKER WITH NOTHING TO SAY.

A reverend gentleman of prominence, M. F., of ----, was presented to
the President, who resignedly had a chair placed for him, and with
patient awaiting said:

"My dear sir, I am now ready to hear what you have to say."

"Why, bless you, Mr. President," stammered the other, with more
apprehension than his host, "I have nothing to say. I only came to
pay my respects."

"Is that all?" exclaimed the escaped victim, springing up to take
the minister's two hands with gladness. "It is a relief to find a
clergyman--or any other man, [Footnote: Any other man. From this
frequent expression of Mr. Lincoln's, a true comedian, the "negro
entertainer," Unsworth, conceived a burlesque lecture, "Or Any Other
Man," with which he went around the world. The editor, passing through
London, remembers his attention being called to Mr. Gladstone and
other cabinet ministers, who came to the Oxford Music-hall nightly
between Parliament business, to hear Unsworth, who, on such chances,
introduced personal and pat allusions to the subjects debated that
night.] for that matter--who has nothing to say. I thought you had
come to preach to me."

* * * * *

STICK TO YOUR BUSINESS.

Among the bores who assailed the President was a Western stranger who
had another plan to end the war. Lincoln listened to him all the way,
and then obliged him and the crowd with a story:

"You may have heard of Mr. Bounce, of Chicago? No; well, he was a
gentleman of so much leisure that he had no time to do anything! This
superb loafer went to a capitalist at the time of a wheat flurry, when
speculators reckoned to make fortunes, and he informed Mr. Blank Check
how his project would make them both terribly rich. The reply came
sharp as a bear-trap: 'My advice is that you stick to your business!'

"'But I have no business--I am a gentleman.'

"'Whatever that is, I advise you to stick to that!'

"And now, my friend," proceeded the President, "I mean nothing
offensive, for I know you mean well--but I think you had better stick
to your business and leave the war-threshing to those who have the
responsibility."

* * * * *

MARRYING A MAN WITHOUT HIS CONSENT.

Major Hoxsey, Excelsior (N. Y.) Brigade, wounded in the Fighting Joe
Hooker division, could not accept a commission in the army, but wished
to be put upon the staff of the volunteers, as he could not walk. He
was upheld in his desire by Adjutant-general Hamlin, who accompanied
him to the President. They were both asked to sit while the authority
consulted the Congressional laws. Staff appointments could not be
heard by the President unless the general commanding the desired
rank was approving.

"I have no more power to appoint you without that request," said the
President, "than I would have to marry a woman to any man she might
desire for a husband without his consent!"--(By General Charles
Hamlin.)

* * * * *

"A LUXURY TO SEE ONE WHO WANTS NOTHING."

Senator Depew was secretary of New York State in 1864, under Governor
Seymour. He had to wait upon President Lincoln, reelected, to
harmonize the calls for men, as his State was split on the accusation
that the draft favored one party above the other. His official
business finished, Secretary Depew called to bid farewell. Lincoln was
not holding a reception, but sitting in that study accessible to the
public, that never was a public man's sanctum before--or after. He was
intruded upon all the time, as he let the door remain wide open. (Old
New Yorkers may recall P. T. Barnum, the showman's, similar habit.)
Every now and then some petitioners would make a desperate rush in
and, on seeing they were not repelled by order or by the ushers' own
initiative, others would be emboldened to do the same. The New Yorker
no sooner took this cue than the besieged man perceived him.

"Hello, Depew! what do you want?" was his hail.

"Nothing, Mr. President, save to pay my respects to you, as I am going
home."

"Stay! it is such a luxury to see any one who does not want anything!"

He had the room cleared and discussed the war, interspersing the
dialogue with apposite stories.--(Told by Senator C. M. Depew.)

* * * * *

"ACCUSE NOT A SERVANT----"

As the possibilities of rapid advancement were redoubled during the
war, the President, in his first term of office, was stormed by the
office-seekers, who thought it the best plan to have occupiers of
posts ousted to give them an opening; so they maligned and even
accused chief officials with a freedom unknown in other countries
where the bureaucracy is a sacred institution--as within a generation
it has become here. Lincoln rebuked one of these covetous vexers by
saying gravely to him:

"Friend, go home and attentively read 'Proverbs,' chapter thirteen,
verse ten."

The rebuffed applicant found at that page in the book: "Accuse not
a servant to his master, lest he curse thee, and thou be found
guilty!"--(Attested by Schuyler Colfax.)

* * * * *

A WOLF IN A TRAP MUST SACRIFICE HIS "TAIL" TO BE FREE.

The presidential private secretary, Stoddard, maintains that his chief
sorely astonished and baffled the tribe of acquaintances who flocked
in upon him as soon as he was elevated and went back home, with empty
haversacks, wondering that he ignored them with heartless ingratitude.
"He did not make even his own father a brigadier nor invite cousin
Dennis Hanks to a seat in his Cabinet!"

* * * * *

SOMEWHAT OF A NEWSMAN.

Innately attached to letters, and precocious, Abraham Lincoln soon
learned his letters and drank in all the learning that his few books
could supply. Hence at an early age he became the oracle on the rude
frontier, where even a smattering made him handy and valuable to the
illiterate backwoodsmen. Besides, as working at any place and at any
work, he rarely abided long in any one spot, and had not what might
be called a home in his teens.

Dennis Hanks, his cousin, said of Abraham, at fourteen to eighteen:
"Abe was a good talker, a good reader, and a kind of newsboy." Hence
he was a sort of volunteer colporteur distributing gossip, as a notion
pedler, before he was a store clerk where centered all the local news.
It was on this experience that he would mingle with the newspaper
reporters and telegraph men fraternally, saying with his winning smile
and undeniable "push":

"Let me in, boys, for I am somewhat of a news-gatherer myself."

And then he would fix his footing by one of his stories, always--well,
often--uttered with a view to publication.

* * * * *

"A LITTLE MORE LIGHT AND A LITTLE LESS NOISE."

As the President was a diligent devourer of the newspaper in the
vexatious times (as at all others), he met many a torrent of
criticism, incitement, and counsels which left him stunned rather than
alleviated. To a special correspondent who hampered him, he said:

"Your papers remind me of a little story. There was a gentleman
traveling on horseback in the West where the roads were few and bad
and no settlements. He lost his way. To make matters worse, as night
came on, a terrible thunder-storm arose; lightning dazzled the eye or
thunder shook the earth. Frightened, he got off and led his horse,
seeking to guide himself by the spasmodic and flickering electric
light. All of a sudden, a tremendous crash brought the man in terror
to his knees, when he stammered:

"'Oh, Lord! if it be the same to Thee, give us a little more light and
a little less noise!'"

* * * * *

"MY PART OF THE SHIP IS ANCHORED."

Among the first men called out was a young Massachusetts man, Burrage,
who went as a private. Grievously wounded, he was sent into the
hospital and then to his home. Recuperated, he joined his old regiment
at the front. He was unaware that strict orders were out against the
soldiers exchanging newspapers, and so performed the daily courtesy of
giving a paper to the rebels; they had two, and he promised to give
them the one due next time. This was held as keeping up correspondence
with the Johnnies, and the authorities reduced him to the ranks, as he
was then a captain. Worse and worse, the enemy seized him when he went
out to redeem his promise about the news, and he was imprisoned on
their side. This regalled his wounds and he was a great sufferer. The
Massachusetts member of Congress, Alexander Rice, pleaded with the
President for his native citizen. The complication was that Burrage
was a captain when captured, but a private again soon after, and the
rebels would probably hold him at the higher rate if an exchange was
allowed, while the Union War Department stood for his being but a
common soldier.

"If General Wadsworth raises that point," replied the President, who
had allowed this pathetic case to break his rule to deal with classes
and not individual offenses, "tell him if he could take care of the
exchange part, I guess I can take care of the rank part!"

It is clear that the President saw in this punctilio about a humane
act, whose "offense was _ranker_."

It reminded one of the story of the New England skipper who, with
his mate--and crew of a small fisher--owned the vessel. They having
quarreled and the captain bidding the other mind his part of the ship,
the latter did so, and presently came to the stern to report:

"Captain, I have anchored my part of the ship! Take care of your own."

* * * * *

ANGELS SWEARING MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.

On the President being urged to answer some virulent newspaper
assault, his reply was:

"Oh, no; if I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks
made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business,
I do the very best I know how--the very best I can; and I mean to keep
doing so, until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is
said against me won't amount to anything; if the end brings me out
wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference."

* * * * *

WASHINGTON'S DIFFICULT TASK.

Shortly after Lincoln's inauguration, a senator said to him:

"You have as difficult a task as Washington's, when he took command of
the American Army, and as little to do it with."

"That is true, but I have larger resources."

(The three thousand millions spent on the war vividly contrasts
with the Colonies fighting rich England with an empty treasury and
barefoot, ragged soldiers.)

* * * * *

STEEL AND STEAL.

President Lincoln asked a friend, a senator, immediately on his taking
office, upon an embarrassed condition of affairs:

"Have you seen that prophecy about my administration in the papers? A
prophet foretells that my rule will be one of steel! To which the wags
retort: 'Well, Buchanan's was one of _steal_.'"

The Georgian slave-holder, late secretary of the treasury, was accused
of "diverting" some millions to the South, as that for the war office
similarly "diverted" ordnance and munitions to the same quarter; the
head of the navy, with what "looked" like collusion, had scattered the
war-vessels so as to be long delayed in concentrating.

* * * * *

"THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER."

In a Spiritualist performance at the White House, which seemed to
have been "edited" by the President himself--as often royalty revises
plays--for his special entertainment, the Cabinet being invited,
after a rigmarole of stilted phrases purporting to be by Washington,
Franklin, Napoleon, and other past celebrities, Mr. Welles, secretary
of the navy, remarked: "I will think this matter over, and see what
conclusion to arrive at!" (His set phrase.)

There was a smile at this, as the aged minister's prolonged
meditations were the laughing-stock of the country, he being the clog
on the wheels of the car of state. Instantly raps were heard in the
spirit-cabinet, and, the alphabet being consulted, the result was
spelled out as:

"That's what's the matter!"

This hit at Mr. Welles' stereotyped fault aroused more mirth, and
the crowd at the back of the room, domestics, petty officials, and
sub-officers, laughed prodigiously, while the secretary stroked his
long white beard musingly.

To this cant term hangs a tale apropos of the President. Its origin
was low, but humorous. A benevolent gentleman pierced a crowd to its
center to see there, on the pavement under a lamp-post, a poor woman,
curled in a heap, with a satisfied grin on her flushed face, breathing
brokenly. "What's the matter?" eagerly inquired the compassionate man.
A bystander removed his pipe from his mouth, and with it pointed
to a flattened pocket-flask sticking out of her smashed reticule,
half-under her, and sententiously explained:

"That's what's the matter with Hannah!" The sentence took growth and
spread all over the Union. It has settled down, as we know, to a fixed
form at political meetings, where the audience beguile the waiting
time with demanding "What is the matter?" with this or that favorite
demagogue. In the sixties, it patly answered any problem. At the
presidential election-time of Lincoln's success, a negro minstrel,
Unsworth, was a "star" at "444" Broadway, dressing up the daily news
drolly under this title--that is, ending each paragraph with that
line.

On the 22d of February, 1861, Abraham Lincoln, scheduled to pass
on from Harrisburg, where he made a speech as arranged, instead of
waiting to depart by the morning train, sped to Philadelphia and
thence by a special train detained for "a military messenger with a
parcel," to Washington, by the regular midnight train. The news of
his arrival at the capital by this unexpected and clandestine route,
and in disguise--this was denied--of a Scotch cap and plaid shawl,
startled everybody. Rumors of an attempt to make mischief, as he
called it, were rife. But the public still took things as quake-proof,
and Mr. Lincoln assured his audiences, as he spoke at every city on
his way, that "the crisis was artificial." On the evening of the
twenty-third, the writer dropped into the Broadway negro minstrel
hall. Newspaper men knew that Unsworth introduced the latest skimming
of the press into his burlesque lecture and liked to hear his funny
versions and perversions. The comic sheet of the metropolis, _Vanity
Fair_, enframing the witty scintillations of "Artemus Ward," George
Arnold, and a brilliant band, complained that this "nigger comedian"
used or anticipated their best effusions. On the whole the public saw
in the surreptitious flight of the ruler into his due seat only a
farce, in keeping with his jesting humor--he was regarded as a Don
Quixote in figure, but a Sancho Panza, for his philosophic proverbs,
widely retailed and considered opportune. So the indignation proper
toward the forced escapade was absent; everybody still mocked at the
"terrible plots," as so much stale quail, and when the blackened-face
orator, coming to a pause after enunciation of his "That's what's the
matter" looked around wistfully, the audience were agog. Suddenly
out of the wing an attendant darted with alarmed manner and face.
He carried on his arm a shawl, gray and travel-stained, and in one
shaking hand a Scotch bonnet. Unsworth snatched them in hot haste and
fright, clapped on the cap, and, draping himself in the plaid, rushed
off at the side, forgetting his own high silk hat. This, with the
black suit, the orthodox lecturer's, now gave him a resemblance to
Mr. Lincoln, not previously perceived, for they were men of opposite
shapes. The eclipse brought home to the spectators the ludicrousness
of the President entering his capital in secret, but, I repeat, no one
felt any shame, and the audience went forth to relate the excellent
finish to the parody, at home or in the saloons, to hearers as obtuse
as themselves, to the seriousness of the episode. Somehow, so far, the
elect from Illinois was ever the Western buffoon. But when, in his
inaugural address, Lincoln thundered the new keynote, the veil fell:

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