The Lincoln Story Book by Henry L. Williams

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"Gentlemen, suppose all the property you were worth was in gold, and
you had put it in the hands of Blondin, to carry across the Niagara
River on a rope, would you shake the cable, or keep shouting out to
him:

"'Blondin, stand up straighter! Blondin, stoop a little more! go a
little faster! _lean a little more to the North!_ to the South?'

"No; you would hold your breath as well as your tongue, and keep your
hands off all, until he was safe over.

"The government [Footnote: Lincoln always used "Government" and
"U. S." as nouns carrying a plural verb.] are carrying an immense
weight. Untold treasures are in their hands. They are doing the very
best they can. Don't pester them! Keep silence, and we will get you
safe across."

* * * * *

THE PIONEER'S LAND-TITLE.

Judge Weldon was appointed United States attorney, acting in Illinois.
Being at Washington, some speculators, knowing he was an old friend of
the President, engaged him for their side. They wanted to get cotton
permits from the treasury, which was feasible, but made sure that the
military would recognize these passes--no doubt, if the President
would countersign them. Otherwise the army officers acted often
without regard to trade desires. On broaching the subject to the
potentate on whose lips so much hung at the epoch, the latter
brightened up and, in his branching-off manner, said:

"By the way, what has become of your friend Robert Lewis?"

Lewis was the clerk of the court in Illinois, and at home, well and
thrifty.

"Do you remember," continued the President, "his story about his going
to Missouri to look up some Mormon lands belonging to his father?"

Whereupon, as Weldon said that he had forgot some details, the
story-teller related with unction:

"This Robert Lewis, on coming of age, found papers in his father's
muniments, entitling him as heir to lands in northeastern Missouri,
where the Mormons had attempted settling before their enforced exodus.
There was no railroad, so Lewis rode out to that part and thought
he had located the land. For the night he stopped at a solitary log
house. A gruff voice bade him come in, not very hospitably. The owner
was a long, lanky man about eleven feet high, 'Bob' thought. He had a
rifle hanging on its hooks over the fireplace, also about eleven feet
long, Bob also reckoned. He was interrupted in 'necking' bullets, for
they were cast in a mold and left a little protuberance where the run
left off.

"This first comer had been there some time and seemed to know the
section, but was rather indifferent to the stranger's inquiries about
the site of _his_ lands. Teased at this unconcern, so opposite to
the usual feeling of settlers who like a neighbor in the lonesomeness,
Lewis hastened to lay down the law:

"'He was looking up the paternal purchase. Here were the titles,'
spreading out the papers. 'That is _my_ title to this section.
You are on it. What is yours?'

"The other had shown some slight interest in the topic by this time.
He paused in his occupation and pointed with his long arm to the long
rifle, saying:

"'Young man, do you see that gun? That is _my_ title, and if you
do not git out o' hyar pretty quick, you will feel the force of it!'

"Lewis crammed his papers into his saddle-bags and rushed out to
bestride his pony--but said that the man snapped his gun at him twice
before he was out of range.

"Now," resumed Mr. Lincoln, "the military authorities have the same
title against the civil ones--the guns! The gentlemen themselves may
judge what the result is likely to be!"

Mr. Weldon reported to his employers, at Willard's Hotel, and they
laughed heartily at the illustration, but they did not proceed with
the cotton _speck_, understanding what would be the Administration's
policy as well as if a proclamation were issued.--(By Judge Weldon.)

* * * * *

"CHEERS NOT MILITARY--BUT I LIKE THEM!"

After the disarray of the first Bull Run battle, the President drove
out to the camps to rally the "boys _in the blues_." General
Sherman was only a colonel, and he had the rudeness of a military man
to hint to the visitor that he hoped the orator would not speak so as
to encourage cheering and confusion. The President stood up in his
carriage and prefaced his speech with this exordium:

"Don't cheer, boys; I confess that I rather like it, myself; but
Colonel Sherman, here, says it isn't military, and I guess we had
better defer to his opinion." With his inimitable wink, which would
have been an independent fortune to a stage comedian.

* * * * *

NUMBERING THE HAIRS OF HIS--TAIL!

A Congressional committee selected to examine and report upon a new
cannon, produced so voluminous a tome that Lincoln, reviewing it,
dropped it in disgust and commented:

"I should want a new lease of life to read this through! Why can't a
committee of this kind occasionally exhibit a grain of common sense?
If I send a man to buy a horse for me, I expect him to tell me his
points, not how many hairs there are in his tail!"--(Authenticated by
Mr. Hubbard, member of Congress of Connecticut, to whom the remark
was addressed.)

* * * * *

AN UNCONVENTIONAL ORDER.

On going over the minor orders, riders, and corrections of the
President, it will be seen that he never succumbed to conforming with
the stale and set phrases of the civil-service documents. For an
instance of his unquenchable humor read the following discharge:

Two brothers, Smiths, of Boston, had been arrested, held, and
persecuted for a long period by a military tribunal. The charge
was defrauding the government. The hue and cry about the cheating
contractors called for a victim. But the Chief Executive on perusing
the testimony concluded that the defendants were guiltless. He wrote
the subsequent release:

"Whereas, Franklin W. and J. C. Smith had transactions with the Navy
Department to the amount of one and a quarter millions of dollars;
and, whereas, they had the chance to steal a million, and were charged
with stealing twenty-two hundred dollars--and the question now is
stealing a hundred--I don't believe they stole anything at all!
Therefore, the record and findings are disapproved--declared null and
void--and the defendants are fully discharged."

* * * * *

"IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I AM COMMANDER!"

To the prairie man the climate of Washington would be almost tropical.
Nevertheless, it participates of American meteorological variability,
as "Old Probability" would admit.

One night, Lincoln, coming out of his rooms at the Executive Mansion
to make his nocturnal round, finishing with the call for the latest
despatches at garrison headquarters, noticed as the fierce gale shook
him and scourged him with sleet, that a soldier was contending with
the storm just outside the outer door.

"Young man," said he, turning sharply to him, "you have got a cold job
to-night. Step inside and guard there."

The soldier stoutly contended--for the colloquy became an argument
by Lincoln's delight in debate. He persisted that he was posted there
by orders and must not budge save by a superior countermand.

"Hold on, there!" cried Lincoln, pleased at the arguer supplying him
with a decisive weapon; "it occurs to me that I am commander-in-chief!
and so, I order you to go inside!"

* * * * *

COMPLIMENTS IS ALL THEY DO PAY!

A paymaster introduced to the President by the United States district
marshal, remarked with independence noticeable in the sect: "I have no
official business with you, sir--I only called to pay my compliments!"

"I understand," was the retort; "and from the soldiers' complaints,
I think that is all you gentlemen do pay!"

* * * * *

BAIL THE POTOMAC WITH A SPOON.

There is as pathetic a picture as the old sated Marquis of Queensberry
(Thackeray's Steyne and history's "Old Q.") murmuring as he gazed from
his castle window on the unsurpassed view of the Thames Valley, "Oh,
this cursed river running on all the day!" in President Lincoln
watching the broad Potomac where all was so quiet, and yet the hidden
and watchful enemy lined the other bank. A petitioner hemmed him in a
corner of the room with this sight, and poured on him the bucket of
his woes. The at last irritated worm turned on him, and cried:

"My poor man! go away! do go away! I cannot meddle in your case. I
could as easily bail the Potomac with a teaspoon as attend to all
the details of the army!"

* * * * *

"WE SHALL BEAT THEM, MY SON!"

George W. Curtis, New York editor, called on the President in the
first winter of the war, with the Illinoisian's friend, Judge Arnold.
He said that the official wore a sad, weary, and anxious look, and
spoke with a softened, touching voice. But he added to his good-by
at the door in shaking hands, with paternal kindness and profound
conviction:

"We shall beat them, my son! we shall beat them!"

* * * * *

"LITTLE FOR SO BIG A BUSINESS."

Before the war the museums of the Eastern States were regaled by an
"Infant Drummer." This lad, Harry W. Stowman, at the age of seven
or eight, was a proficient on the drum. He was seen by this editor,
executing solos of great difficulty, and accompanying the orchestra
with variations on his unpromising instrument, which musicians praised
and in which he avoided monotony with precocious talent. Grown up,
still a rare drummer, he was attached to the Germantown Hospital as
post drummer. At the first inauguration he was with the band and
noticed by the President. With his habit of applauding the young,
the latter spoke to him, commended his playing, and remarked:

"You are a very little man to be in this big business!" He took him
up, kissed him, and paternally set him down, drum and all.

Mr. Stowman lived to the age of forty with this pretty memory.

* * * * *

NOT "SHOULDER-STRAPS," BUT HARDTACK.

At a military function when Lincoln presented a new commander to
a legion, one of the soldiers burst out with that irreverence
distinguishing the American volunteer:

"It is not shoulder-straps (the officers' insignia), but hardtack that
we want!"

Hardtack was the nickname for the disused ship bread turned over to
the army by remorseless contractors.

* * * * *

"MARYLAND A GOOD STATE TO MOVE FROM!"

Thurlow Weed, prominent "wire-puller," presented as a preferable
puppet to Montgomery Blair his choice, Henry Winter Davis, upon
which the President said:

"Davis? Judge David Davis put you up to this. He has Davis on the
brain. A Maryland man who wants to get out! Maryland must be a good
State to move from. Weed, did you ever hear, in this connection, of
the witness in court asked to state his age? He said sixty. As he was
on the face of it much older, but persisted, the court admonished him,
saying:

"'The court knows you to be older than sixty!'

"'Oh, I understand now,' owned up the old fellow. 'You are thinking of
the ten years I spent in Maryland; that was so much time lost and did
not count!'"

* * * * *

DON'T SWAP HORSES CROSSING A STREAM.

The setting up and the bowling over of the generals commanding the
army defending Washington from McDowell at Bull Run to Meade at
Gettysburg, resembles a grim game at tenpins. The President, who tried
to find a professional captain to relieve him of his responsibility
as nominally war-chief of the national forces, therefore smiled
sarcastically when the ninety-ninth deputation came to suggest still
another aspirant to be the new Napoleon, and said to it:

"Gentlemen, your request and proposition remind me of two gentlemen
in Kentucky.

"The flat lands there bordering on the rivers are subject to
inundations, so the fordable creek becomes in an instant a broad
lake, deep and rapidly running. These two riders were talking the
common topic--in that famous Blue Grass region where fillies and
_fill-es_, as the _voyageur_ from Canada said in his broken
English, are unsurpassable for grace and beauty. Each fell to
expatiating upon the good qualities of his steed, and this dialogue
was so animated and engrossing they approached a ford without being
conscious of outer matters. There was heavy rain in the highlands and
an ominous sound in the dampening air. They entered the water still
arguing. Then, at midway, while they came to the agreement to exchange
horses, with no 'boot,' since each conceded the value of the animals,
the river rose. In a twinkling the two horses were floundering, and
the riders, taken for once off their balance, lost stirrup and seat,
and the four creatures, separated, were struggling for a footing in
the boiling stream. Away streaked the horses, buried in foam, three
or four miles down, while the men scrambled out upon the new edge.

"Gentlemen," concluded the President, drawing his moral with his
provoking imperturbability, "those men looked at each other, as they
dripped, and said with the one voice: 'Ain't this a lesson? Don't swap
horses crossing a stream!'"--(Heard by Superintendent Tinker, war
telegrapher.)

* * * * *

"NO PLACING THORNS IN THE SIDE OF MY WORST ENEMY!"

The Free Constitution of Maryland was the work of Lincoln. His and
its supporters made a party to go to Washington and congratulate the
President on the victory. They had a band and serenaded him in the
White House until he came forth. But he said, to the dampening of
their ardor, when the cheering had subsided:

"My friends, I appreciate this honor very highly, but I am very sorry
to see you rejoice over the defeat of those opposed to us. It is
furthest from my desire to place a thorn in any one's side, though
he be my worst enemy."--(Recited by Mr. Hy. G. Willis, Baltimore,
in the _Sun_ of that city.)

* * * * *

THE LINCOLN PLAN OF CAMPAIGN.

This historical document promised at one time to be a problem like the
Sibilline Leaves or Czar Peter's will. But Secretary H. C. Whitney
declares that it existed as he had it laid before him by the
strategist.

"Running his long forefinger down the map of Virginia, he said: 'We
must drive them away from here (Manassas Gap, where indeed were fights
over the keystone), and clear them out of this part of the State,
so that they cannot threaten them here (Washington) and get into
Maryland.' (Unfortunately, the rebels did threaten Washington right on
and entered Maryland and Pennsylvania, as late as July, 1863, and by
a cavalry raid, a year later.)

"'We must keep up a good and thorough blockade of their ports. We must
march an army into East Tennessee and liberate the Union sentiment
there. (This was not finally done till the end of 1864.)

"'Finally, we must rely on the (Southern) people growing tired, and
saying to their leaders: "We have had enough of this thing, and will
bear it no longer."'"

In 1862, a year after, Lincoln says to McClellan: "We have distinct
and different plans for a movement of the Army of the Potomac: yours
to be down the Chesapeake, etc.; mine, to move directly to the
point on the railroads southwest of Manassas. (He hugs his original
idea.)... In case of disaster, would not a retreat be more difficult
by your plan than mine?" You see the prudence in him esteemed ignorant
and consequently blindly rash. All this amounted to nothing when the
President trusted fully to Grant as his lieutenant.

* * * * *

THE COMMANDER SHOULD OBEY ORDERS.

The President at Fort Stevens was the mark for a rebel battery.
A colonel in command was diffident about ordering the superior about,
but he was averse to letting the "dare" bring on a fatality, as the
sharpshooters had an easy butt in the Lincoln exceptional figure.
So he took the advice of Mr. Registrar Chittenden, on the staff, and
bade the President retire, or he would move him by a file of men.

"And you would do quite right, my boy!" acquiesced the chief.
"I should be the last man to set an example of disobedience."

* * * * *

THE IDLERS EQUALED THE EFFECTIVES.

During a review of General Howard's corps on the Rappahannock,
in April, 1863, President Lincoln noticed, whether his eyes were
"unmilitary or not," that a very numerous mass of men were spectators,
though wearing a semisoldierly look and clothes. They were, in fact,
the inevitable hangers-on of an army, the more in number, as the
escaped slaves were welcomed by the soldiers, as they made them do
their dirty work. The commanding general explained that they were "the
cooks, the bottle-washers, and the nigger waiters." They had come out
to see the President.

"That review yonder," returned Lincoln gently, as he smiled, "is about
as big as ours!"--(By General O. O. Howard.)

* * * * *

REST!

Sitting before his desk in his office, at the White House, Lincoln
quaintly uttered: "I wish George Washington or some of those old
patriots were here in my place so that I could have a little
rest."--(Heard by General Viele.)

* * * * *

"I CAN BEAR CENSURE, BUT NOT INSULT!"

An army officer appeared before the President with a statement of his
defense against a sentence of cashiering. He was told that his own
paper did not warrant the superior interference. But he showed up
twice more, repeating the plea and the version of his own preparation.

At the continued repulse he blurted out:

"I see, Mr. President, that you are not disposed to do me justice!"

If Lincoln was the embodiment of any one virtue it was justice to all.
At this slur he sprang up and put the fellow out of the door by a lift
of his collar, saying:

"Never show yourself in this room again! I can bear censure, but not
insult!"

* * * * *

A BATTLE OF ROSES.

At every reverse to the Unionists, the more or less secret
sympathizers with the seceders reiterated the cry that gentler
measures should be used against "our erring brothers." To one such
pleader, the President severely, but humorously, responded, in
writing:

"Would you have me drop the war where it is, or would you prosecute
it in future with elder-stalk squirts charged with rose-water?"

Mr. Lincoln may or may not have said this and thus--but he certainly
_wrote_ it, for which see his letter to C. Bullitt, July 28,
1862. Guns of elder squirts are mentioned by his dear Shakespeare.

* * * * *

"HELP ME LET GO!"

The year 1862 had its gold in the victories of Murfreesboro and
Perryville in the West, but in the neighborhood of the capital General
Burnside's defeat at Fredericksburg, while his supporters counted on
his justifying his superseding McClellan, clouded all Washington. The
staff-officer [Footnote: An account says it was Governor Curtin in
person.] who brought the painful news saw that the President was so
saddened that he faltered an apology for the nature of his mission.

"I wish, Mr. President, that I might be the bearer of good instead of
bad news--I wish I brought the intelligence by which you could conquer
or get rid of these rebellious States!"

His hearer smiled at the essay to cheer him, who believed he would
"never sleep again," and related, with a view to enliven him also,
the story of "Help me let go."

The version, circulating viva voce, ran as follows:

"That reminds me of the camp where a bear suddenly made his appearance
and scattered the party. All save one shinned up trees, or got behind
rocks, and that one meeting the animal head on, before he could turn,
seized bruin by the ears and held on 'like grim death to a dead
nigger.'

"Recovering from their fright the hunters came out of ambush and were
unable to do anything but laugh at the fix their friend was in.

"'You ain't mastered, are you?' asked they.

"'Not licked, but I want you to help me let go!'"

Mr. Lincoln expressed himself when he said he was slow to learn and
slow to forget; the two qualities are redeemed by his wonderful ease
and quickness in remembering. To quote well is good, but to quote
fitly is better. His intimates noticed that he would reecho a story--a
simile or a tag--and so neatly apply it that it seemed fresh on the
second use. He was an admirable actor, though not appreciated in that
light; for he could reappear in the same part without palling. Hence
one often meets his stories, as, for instance, this one. His life law
partner, Herndon, tells it as used toward a petty judge, in Illinois,
of inferior ability to Lincoln's. It was a murder case, and this bully
on the bench kept ruling against Herndon and Lincoln. A material point
was ruled adversely just at the refreshment recess. Lincoln withdrew
sore, as he believed that the judge was personally controverting his
positions. He avowed his own feelings, and announced:

"I have determined to _crowd_ the court to the wall and regain
my position before night."

As Judge Herndon was a bystander, his account of the further
proceedings must be as faithful as veracious:

"At the reassembling of court, Mr. Lincoln rose to read a few
authorities in support of his position, keeping within the bounds of
propriety just far enough to avoid a reprimand. He characterized the
continuous rulings against him as not only unjust but foolish, and,
figuratively speaking, peeled the court from head to foot.... Lincoln
was alternately furious and eloquent, and after pursuing the court
with broad facts and pointed inquiries in rapid succession, he made
use of this homely incident to clinch his argument."

(The tale is given as about a wild boar. In either phrase, the point
is that the judge was attached to his Tartar and wanted to be let go!)

"The prosecution tried in vain to break Lincoln down," concludes Mr.
Herndon, "and the judge, badgered effectually by Lincoln's masterly
arraignment of law and fact, pretended to see the error of his former
position, and finally reversed his decision in his tormentor's favor.
Lincoln saw his triumph and surveyed a situation of which he was
master."

* * * * *

SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE.

Upon the Western Virginia Stateship Bill passing in Congress, an
opponent, Mr. Carlisle, ran to the President. He urged him to veto
the bill.

"Well, I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll split the difference and say
nothing about it!"--(Frank Moore.)

* * * * *

IN THE INCA'S POSITION.

Long after the President reconsidered his hasty surmise that the
impending war was "artificial crisis," Congress continued to waver,
and no one put forward a definite and working policy for the head who
avowed that he never had one. In his despondency and lonesomeness, he
welcomed an old friend from his State, who, however, like the rest,
had his frets and rubs to seek solace for.

"You know better than any man living that, from my boyhood up, my
ambition was to be President. I am, at least, President of one part of
the divided country; but look at me! With a fire in my front and one
in my rear to contend with, and not receiving that cordial cooperative
support from Congress, reasonably expected, with an active and
formidable enemy in the field threatening the very life-blood of
the government, my position is anything but on a bed of roses."

* * * * *

"BLIND" FORTUNE.

A soldier shot in the head so as to be deprived of sight in both eyes
left the Carver Hospital, Washington, and blundered in crossing the
avenue. At that very moment the President's carriage was coming along
to the Soldiers' Home from the mansion. The coach alone would probably
have not brought any casualty upon the unfortunate young invalid,
but it was again surrounded by one of the cavalry detachments, which
Lincoln insisted on being withdrawn, but it was replaced, for the
time.

The soldier hearing this double clatter of hoofs became bewildered,
and stood still in the midroad, or, if anything, inclined toward the
thundering danger. The cavalry chargers, trained to avoid hurting
men--for a rider might be thrown--eluded contact, and the coachman
neatly pulled aside. In the next moment, in a cloud of dust, the
President, leaning out of the window, to ascertain the cause of the
abrupt stop, saw the poor young soldier by his side. Lincoln threw
out a hand to seize him by the arm, and reassure him of safety by
the vibrating clutch. Then, perceiving the nature of the affair, he
asked in a voice trembling with emotion about the man's regiment and
disablement. The man was from the Northwest--Michigan. Lumbermen--and
they are of the woods woody out there--and Lincoln believed in "the
ax as the enlarger of our borders"--are brotherly. The next day the
soldier was commissioned lieutenant with perpetual leave, but full
pay.--(By the veteran reservist, H. W. Knight, of the escort.)

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