Look Back on Happiness by Knut Hamsun

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Look what he'd brought her, this brooch, bought at the goldsmith's at the
market: wasn't it lovely? Oh, Nikolai was mad; but she would do anything
in the world for him, too. Imagine using some of the money for the horse
on a brooch! Where is he now, where's he gone to? She'll bet anything he's
stroking the mare again.

"Nikolai!" she called.

"Yes," his reply came from the stable.

She sat down again, crossing her legs. Her face had turned pink; perhaps a
thought, a memory, passed through her mind. She was suffused with
excitement and beauty. Her dress clung to her body, outlining its
contours. She began gently to stroke her knee.

"Is the child asleep?" I asked. I had to say something.

"Yes, he's asleep. And think of him!" she exclaimed. "Can you imagine
anything more wonderful? Excuse my talking like this, but.... You know
he's not a year old yet. I never knew children were such a blessing."

"Well, you see they are."

"Yes, I thought differently once; I remember that perfectly well, and you
contradicted me. Of course it was stupid of me. Children? Miracles! And
when you're old, they're the only happiness--the last happiness. I shall
have more; I shall have many of them, a whole row of them, like organ
pipes, each taller than the last. They're lovely.... But I wish I hadn't
lost my tooth; it leaves such a black gap. I really feel quite bad about
it, on Nikolai's account. I suppose a false one could be put in, but I
shouldn't dream of it. Besides, I understand it's quite dear. But I've
given up using any arts; I only wish I'd stopped earlier--I've gone on
much too long. Think of all I've missed by it: all my childhood, all my
youth. Haven't I idled away whole summers at resorts, even as a grown
woman? I needed a holiday from my school work, a rest, and immediately
turned it into sheer futility, every day a disgrace. I could cry with
regret. I should have been married ten years ago, and had my husband all
that time, and a home and many children. Now I'm already old, cheated out
of ten years of my life, with gray hair and one tooth gone--"

"Well, you've lost one tooth, but I've hardly got one left!"

No sooner had I consoled her thus than I regretted it. Why should I make
myself worse than I am? Things were bad enough anyhow. I was sick with
fury at myself, and grinned and grimaced to show her my teeth: "Here,
don't miss them, have a good look!" But I'm afraid she saw what a fool I
was making of myself; everything I did was wrong.

Then she consoled me in her turn, as people do when they can well afford
it:

"What, you old? Nonsense!"

"Have you met the schoolmaster?" I asked abruptly.

"Of course. I remember what you told me about him: a horse and a man came
riding along the road.... But he's got sense, and he's terribly stingy.
Oh, he's cunning; he borrows our harrow because ours is new and good.
They've built a house at the end of the valley, and take in travelers--
quite a big hotel, in fact, with the waitresses dressed in national
costume. Of course Nikolai and I both went to the wedding; Petra really
looked a charming and lovely bride. You mustn't think she and I are still
unfriendly; she likes me better now that I'm more competent, and last
summer they sent for me several times to interpret for some English people
and that sort of thing--at least I know how to say soap and food and
conveyance and tips in other languages!

"But I don't think I should ever have had any serious trouble with Petra
in the first place if Sophie hadn't come home--you know, the
schoolmistress in the town. She's always found plenty to criticize in me,
so I never liked her very much, I must admit. But when she came here, she
was very arrogant toward me, and lorded it over me, showing off all her
knowledge. I was busy trying to learn what I needed to know for the life
up here, and then she came along and made me look small, talking about the
Seven Years' War all the time. She was terribly learned about the Seven
Years' War, because that's what she had in her examination. And our way of
talking wasn't elegant enough for her; Nikolai used rough country
expressions sometimes, and she didn't like that. But Nikolai speaks quite
well enough, and I can't see what that fool of a sister of his has got to
put on airs for! And on top of that she came home to stay--for six months,
anyhow. She'd been engaged, so then she had to take a six months' holiday.
The baby's with Petra, with his grandmother, so he's well taken care of.
It's a boy, too, but he's hardly got any hair; mine has plenty of hair.
Well, in a way, of course, it's a pity about Sophie, because she'd used up
her legacy and her youth studying to be a schoolmistress, and then she
comes home like that. But she really was insufferable, thinking she was a
lot better than I because she hadn't been discharged, like me. So I asked
her to leave. And then they both left, Sophie and her mother. Anyhow, her
mother and I are quite reconciled.

"But you mustn't think we've had any help from her to buy the horse.
Nothing of the kind! We borrowed the money from the bank. But we'll
manage, because it's our only debt. Nikolai has made all the furniture in
here himself, the table and china cupboard and everything; we haven't
bought a thing. He's dug up the new field himself, too. And we'll be
getting more cattle; you ought to see what a handsome heifer we've got....

"Even the food wasn't good enough for Sophie. Tins saved such a lot of
trouble, she said; we ought to buy tinned food. It was enough to make you
sick to listen to her. I was just beginning to knit, too; I'd got one of
my neighbors to teach me, and I was knitting stockings for myself. But of
course Lady Sophie--well, she bought her stockings in the city. Oh, she
was charming. 'Get out!' I said to her. So they left."

Nikolai entered the room.

"Did you want me?"

"No--oh, yes, I wanted you to come upstairs with me. I need something to
hang things on in front of the fire, a clotheshorse--come along--"

I stayed behind, thinking:

"If only it lasts, if only it lasts! She's so overwrought; living on her
nerves. And pregnant again. But what splendid resolution she shows, and
how she's matured in these two years! But it has cost her a great deal,
too.

"Good luck to you, Ingeborg, good luck!"

At all events, she had triumphed over Schoolmistress Sophie, who had once
tried so hard to set Nikolai against her. "Get out!" How content Fru
Ingeborg must be--what delight in this small triumph! Life had changed so
much that such things were important to her; she grew heated again when
she mentioned it, and pulled at her fingers as she had done in her
schooldays. And why should she not be content? A small triumph now had the
rank of a bigger one in the old days. Proportions were changed, but her
satisfaction was no less.

Listen--she has begun to read upstairs; there's the sound of a steady hum.
Yes, it's Sunday today, and she, being the best educated of them,
naturally reads the service. Bravo! Magnificent! She has extended her
self-discipline even to this, for they are all orthodox Christians in this
neighborhood. Believing? No, but not hostile, either. One reads Scripture.
Rather a clever ruse, that of the clotheshorse.

She has become an excellent cook, too, in the peasant style. Delicious
broth, without noodles, but otherwise just as it should be, with barley,
carrots, and thyme. I doubt whether she has learned this at the domestic
science school. I consider all the things she has learned, and find them
numerous. Had she, perhaps, been a little overstrung in her talk about
children like organ pipes? I don't know, but her nostrils dilated like a
mare's as she spoke. She must have known how unwillingly middle-class
couples have children, and how short is the love between them: in the
daytime they are together so that people might not talk, but the night
separates them. She was different, for she would make hers a house of
fruitfulness: often she and her husband were apart during the day, when
their separate labors called them, but the night united them.

Bravo, Fru Ingeborg!

XXXVII

Really, it was time I was leaving; at least I could have moved across to
Petra and the Schoolmaster, who take in travelers. Really I ought to do
that....

Nikolai has got his tawny lady working on the farm; she's harnessed to a
neat cart that he has made himself and banded with iron. And now the lady
carts manure. The tiny farm with its few head of cattle doesn't yield too
much of this precious substance, so it is soon spread. Then the lady draws
the plow, and looks as though it were no more than the heavy train of a
ball dress behind her! Nikolai has never heard of such a horse before, and
neither has his wife.

I take a walk down to the newly dug field and look at it from every angle.
Then I take soil in my hand and feel it and nod, exactly as though I knew
something about it. Rich, black soil--sheer perfection.

I walk so far that I can see the gargoyles on Petra's hotel--and suddenly
turn off the path into the woods, to sheltered groves and catkins and
peace. The air is still; spring will soon be here.

And so the days wear on.

I am comfortable and feel very much at home; how I should like to stay
here! I should pay well for my keep, and make myself useful and popular; I
shouldn't harm a fly. But that evening I tell Nikolai that I must think of
moving on; this will not do.... And perhaps he will mention it....

"Can't you stop a while longer?" he says. "But I suppose it isn't the kind
of place--"

"God bless you, Nikolai; it _is_ the kind of place, but--well, it's
spring now, and I always travel in the spring. I should have to be very
low before I gave that up. And besides, I expect you're both pretty tired
of me, at least your wife."

This, too, I hoped he would mention.

Then I packed my knapsack and waited. No--no one came to take the knapsack
out of my hand and forbid me to pack any farther. So perhaps Nikolai
hasn't mentioned it. The man never does open his mouth. So I placed the
knapsack on a chair in the middle of the room, all packed and ready, for
everyone to see that we're leaving. And I waited for the morning of the
next day, and this time the knapsack _was_ observed. No, it wasn't.
So I had to wait till the housewife called us to the midday meal, and tell
her then, pointing to what was in the middle of the room:

"I'm afraid I shall have to be leaving today."

"No! Really? Why do you want to go away?" she said.

"Why? Well, don't you think I should?"

"Well, of course--But you might have stayed on a bit longer; the cows will
be going out to spring pasture now, and we should have had more milk."

That was all we said about it, and then she went back to her work.

Bravo, Fru Ingeborg. You're true-blue. It struck me then, as it had done
already on several occasions, that she had grown very like Josephine at
Tore Peak, both in her way of thinking and her mode of expression. Twelve
years of school had laid no foundations in her young mind, though it had
loosened much that was firm within her. But that did not matter, as long
as she kept a firm hold now.

* * * * *

Nikolai is going down to the trading center, and since he will be bringing
back some sacks of flour, he intends to drive. I know very well that I
ought to go with him, because then I could catch the mail packet next day
but one. I explain this to Nikolai and pay my bill. While he is harnessing
the horse, I finish packing my bag.

Oh, these eternal journeys! Hardly am I settled in one place than I am
again unsettled in another--no home, no roots. What are those bells I
hear? Ah, yes--Fru Ingeborg lets the cows out. They are going to pasture
for the first time this spring, so that they shall give more milk.... Here
comes Nikolai to tell me he is ready. Yes, here is the knapsack....

"Nikolai, isn't it a bit early to let the cows out?"

"Yes, but they're getting restless in the cow houses."

"Yesterday I was in the woods and wanted to sit down, but I cannot sit in
the snow. No, I cannot, though I could ten years ago. I must wait till
there is really something to sit on. A rock is good enough, but you can't
sit on a rock for very long in May."

Nikolai looks uneasily at the mare through the window.

"Yes, let's go.... And there were no butterflies, either. You know those
butterflies that have wings exactly like pansies--there weren't any. And
if happiness lives in the forest, I mean if God himself--well, He hasn't
moved out yet; it's too early."

Nikolai does not reply to my nonsense. After all, it is only the
incoherent expression of a vague feeling, a gentle melancholy.

We go outside together.

"Nikolai, I'm not going."

He turns around and looks at me, his eyes smiling good-humoredly.

"You see, Nikolai, I think I have got an idea; I feel exactly as though an
idea had come to me that may turn into a great, red-hot iron. So I mustn't
disturb myself. I'm staying."

"Well, I'm very glad to hear that," says Nikolai. "As long as you like
being here...."

And a quarter of an hour later, I can see Nikolai and the mare trotting
briskly down the road. Fru Ingeborg stands in the yard with the boy on her
arm to watch the gamboling calves.

And here stand I. A fine old specimen, I am!

* * * * *

Nikolai returned with my mail; quite a little pile had accumulated in the
past few weeks.

"I thought you're not in the habit of reading your letters," said Fru
Ingeborg banteringly. Nikolai sat listening to us.

"No," I returned. "Just say the word, and I'll burn them unread."

Suddenly she turned pale; she had put her hand with a smile on the
letters, brushing my hand as she did so. I felt a great ardor, a moment's
miraculous blood heat, more than blood heat--only for a moment--then she
withdrew her hand and said:

"Better read them."

She was deeply flushed now.

"I saw him burn his letters once," she explained to Nikolai. Then she
found something to do at the stove, while she asked her husband about his
journey, about the road, whether the mare had behaved well--which she had.

A minor occurrence, of no importance to anyone. Perhaps I should not have
mentioned it.

* * * * *

A few days later.

The weather has grown warm, my window is open, my door to the living room
is open, all is still; I stand at the window looking out.

A man entered the courtyard carrying an unshapely burden. I could not see
his face very well, but thought it was Nikolai carrying something, so I
went back to my table to work again.

A little later I heard someone say "Good morning" in the living room.

Fru Ingeborg did not return the greeting. Instead, I heard her ask in
loud, hostile tones:

"What do you want?"

"I've come to pay you a visit."

"My husband isn't in--he's in the field."

"Never mind."

"I do mind," she cried. "Go away!"

I don't know what her face looked like then, but her voice was gray--gray
with tears and indignation. In a moment I was in the living room.

The stranger was Solem. Another meeting with Solem. He was everywhere. Our
eyes met.

"I think you were asked to leave?" I said.

"Take it easy, take it easy," he said, in a kind of half-Norwegian,
half-Swedish. "I trade in hides; I go round to the farms buying up hides.
Have you got any?"

"No!" she cried out. Her voice broke. She was completely distracted, and
suddenly dipped a ladle into a pot that was boiling on the stove: Perhaps
she was on the point of flinging it at him....

At this juncture, Nikolai entered the house.

He was a slow-moving man, but his eyes suddenly quickened as he took in
the situation. Did he know Solem, and had he seen him coming to the farm?
He laughed a little. "Ha, ha, ha," he said, and went on smiling--left his
smile standing. It looked horrible; he was quite white, and his mouth
seemed to have stiffened in a smiling cramp. Here was an equal for Solem,
a sexual colleague, a stallion in strength and stubbornness. And still he
went on smiling.

"Well, if you haven't any hides--," said Solem, finding the door. Nikolai
followed him, still smiling. In the yard he helped Solem raise his burden
to his back.

"Oh, thank you," said Solem in an uncomfortable tone. The bale of furs and
skins was a large one; Nikolai picked it up and put it on Solem's back,
swung it to his back in a curious fashion, with needless emphasis. Solem's
knees gave way under him, and he fell on his face. We heard a groan of
pain, for the paved yard was hard as the face of the mountain. Solem lay
still for a moment, then he rose to his feet. His face had struck the
ground in falling, and the blood was running down into his eyes. He tried
to hoist his burden higher up his back, but it remained hanging slack. He
began to walk away, with Nikolai behind him, still smiling. Thus they
walked down the road, one behind the other, and disappeared into the
woods.

Well, let us be human. That fall to the ground was bad. The heavy burden
hanging down so uncomfortably from one shoulder looked bad.

Indoors I heard a sound of sobbing; Fru Ingeborg was in a state of
collapse in a chair. And in her condition, too!

Well, give it time--it will pass off. Gradually we begin to talk, and by
asking her questions, I force her to collect herself.

"He--that man--that beast--oh, you don't know how dreadful he is--I could
murder him. He was the one--he was the first, but now he's getting it all
back, he's getting more than his own back--you'll see. He was the first; I
was all right till then, but he was the first. Not that it meant a great
deal to me; I don't want to seem any better than I am--it was all the same
to me. But afterward I began to understand. And it drew so much evil in
its train, I fell so low; I was on my knees. It was his fault. And
afterward it all grew clear to me. I want that man to leave me alone; I
don't ever want to see him again. That's not unreasonable, is it?--Oh,
where's Nikolai? You don't think he'll do anything to him, do you? They'll
put him in prison. Please, run after them, stop him! He'll kill him--"

"No, no. He has too much sense. Besides, he doesn't know, does he, that
Solem has done anything to you?"

She looked up at me then.

"Are you asking on your own account?"

"What do you mean?--I don't understand--"

"I want to know if you're asking on your own account! Sometimes you seem
as though you were trying to find me out. _No_, I _haven't_ told
my husband. You can think what you please about my honesty. I've only told
him part of it, just a little--that the man wouldn't leave me alone. He's
been here once before; he was the man Petra wanted to admit that I
wouldn't have in. I said to Nikolai, 'I won't have that man coming in
here!' And I told him a little more. But I didn't tell him about myself;
so now what do you think of my honesty? But I don't want to tell him now
either; I don't ever want to tell him. Why? Well, I don't owe you any
explanation. But I don't mind your knowing--yes, I want to tell you,
please! You see, it's not because I'm afraid of Nikolai's anger, but of
his forgiveness--I couldn't bear to go on living as though nothing had
happened. I'm sure he'd try to find excuses for me, because that's his
nature; he's fond of me, and he's a peasant, too, and peasants don't take
these things so seriously. But if he did find excuses for me, he wouldn't
be much good, and I don't want him to be no good; I swear I don't--I'd
rather be no good myself! Oh, we both have faults to forgive in each
other, but we need all of what's left. We don't want to be animals; we
want to be human beings, and I'm thinking of the future and our
children.... But you oughtn't to make me talk so much. Why did you ask me
that?"

"All I meant was that if Nikolai doesn't know, then it couldn't occur to
him to kill the man, and that was what you were worried about. I just
wanted to reassure you."

"Yes, you're always so clever; you turn me inside out. I wish now I hadn't
told you--I wish you didn't know; I should have kept it to myself till I
died. Now you just think I'm thoroughly dishonest."

"On the contrary."

"Really? Don't you think that?"

"Quite the contrary. What you've told me is absolutely right, entirely
true and right. And not only that--it's fine."

"God bless you," she said, and began to sob again.

"There now, you mustn't cry. Here comes Nikolai walking up the road as
good and placid as ever."

"Is he? Oh, thank God. You know, I haven't really any fault to find with
him; I was too hasty when I said that. Even if I tried to find something,
I couldn't. Of course he uses expressions sometimes--I mean he says some
words differently, but it was only his sister that put that into my head.
I must go out and meet him now."

She began to look around for something to slip over her shoulders, but it
took her a few minutes because she was still quite shaken. Before she had
found anything, Nikolai trudged into the yard.

"Oh, there you are! You haven't done anything rash, have you?"

Nikolai's features were still a little drawn as he replied:

"No, I just took him over to see his son."

"Has Solem got a son here?" I asked.

Neither of them replied. Nikolai turned to go back to his work, and his
wife went with him across the field.

Suddenly I understood: Sophie's child.

How well I remember that day at Tore Peak, when Schoolmistress Sophie Palm
came in to tell us the latest news about Solem, about the bandage on his
finger, the finger he never had time to get rid of--stout fellow! They
made each other's acquaintance then, and probably met again later in the
town. Solem was everywhere.

The ladies at the Tore Peak resort--well, Solem was no angel, but they did
little to improve him. And so he met this woman who had learned nothing
but to teach....

* * * * *

I ought to have understood before this. I don't understand anything any
more.

But something has happened to me now.

At last I'm beginning to suspect that their chief reason for wanting to
keep me here is simply that they need money; my board and rent are to pay
for the mare. That's all it amounts to.

I should have known it long ago, but I am old. Perhaps I may add without
being misunderstood that the brain withers before the heart. You can see
it in all grandparents.

At first I said "Bravo!" to my discovery, "Bravo! Fru Ingeborg," I said,
"you are priceless once again!" But human nature is such that I began to
feel hurt. How much better it would be to pay for the mare once and for
all and depart; I should have been more than pleased to do so. But I
should not have succeeded. Nikolai would have shaken his head as though it
were a fairy tale. Then I began to calculate that in fact there couldn't
be much to pay for the mare now--perhaps nothing, perhaps she was paid
for....

Fru Ingeborg labors and slaves--I'm afraid she works too hard. She seldom
sits down, though her pregnancy is far advanced now and she needs rest.
She makes beds, cooks, sees to the animals, sews, mends, and washes. Often
a lock of gray hair falls down on either side of her face, and she is so
busy that she lets it hang; it's too short to be fastened back with a pin.
But she looks charming and motherly, with her fine skin and her
well-shaped mouth; she and the child together are sheer beauty. Of course
I help to carry wood and water, but I make more work for her just the
same. When I think of that, I grow hot about the ears.

But how could I have imagined that anyone would want to keep me for my own
sake? I should not have had all these years too many then, and these
ardors too few. A good thing I've found it out at last.

In a way the discovery made it easier for me to leave them, and this--time
when I packed my knapsack, I meant it. But at least the child, her boy,
had some love for me, and liked to sit on my arm because I showed him so
much that was strange. It was the child's instinct for the peerless
grandfather.

At about this time, a sister of Fru Ingeborg's came to the farm to help
with the housework. I began to pack then; overcome with grief, I packed.
To spare Nikolai and the mare, I decided to make my way down to the
steamship landing on foot. I shall also arrange to relieve all of us of
the need for farewells and handshakes and _au revoirs_, believe me!

But in spite of my resolution, I could not, after all, avoid taking them
both by the hand and thanking them for their hospitality. That was all
that was necessary. I stood in the doorway with my knapsack already on my
back, smiling a little, and behaving splendidly.

"Yes, indeed," I said, "I must begin to move about again."

"Are you really going?" said Fru Ingeborg.

"Why not?"

"But so suddenly?"

"Didn't I tell you yesterday?"

"Yes, of course, but--would you like Nikolai to drive you?"

"No, thank you."

The boy was interested now, for I had a knapsack on my back and a coat
with entirely unfamiliar buttons; he wanted me to carry him. Very well,
then--just for a moment. But it was for more than a moment, more than a
few moments, too. The knapsack had to be opened and investigated, of
course. Then Nikolai entered the room.

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