Monsieur de Pourceaugnac by Poquelin (Moliere)
P >>
Poquelin (Moliere) >> Monsieur de Pourceaugnac
MR. POUR. What great reasoning is there wanted to eat a mouthful?
1ST PHY. Since it is a fact that we cannot cure any disease without
first knowing it perfectly, and that we cannot know it perfectly
without first establishing its exact nature and its true species by
its diagnosis and prognosis, you will give me leave, you, my senior,
to enter upon the consideration of the disease that is in question,
before we think of the therapeutics and the remedies that we must
decide upon in order to effect a perfect cure. I say then, Sir, if
you will allow me, that our patient here present is unhappily
attacked, affected, possessed, and disordered by that kind of madness
which we properly name hypochondriac melancholy; a very trying kind
of madness, and which requires no less than an Aesculapius deeply
versed in our art like you; you, I say, who have become grey in
harness, as the saying hath it; and through whose hands so much
business of all sorts has passed. I call it hypochondriac melancholy,
to distinguish it from the other two; for the celebrated Galen
establishes and decides in a most learned manner, as is usual with
him, that there are three species of the disease which we call
melancholy, so called, not only by the Latins, but also by the
Greeks; which in this case is worthy of remark: the first, which
arises from a direct disease of the brain; the second, which proceeds
from the whole of the blood, made and rendered atrabilious; and the
third, termed hypochondriac, which is our case here, and which
proceeds from some lower part of the abdomen; and from the inferior
regions, but particularly the spleen; the heat and inflammation
whereof sends up to the brain of our patient abundance of thick and
foul fuliginosities; of which the black and gross vapours cause
deterioration to the functions of the principal faculty, and cause
the disease by which he is manifestly accused and convicted. In proof
of what I say, and as an incontestable diagnostic of it, you need
only consider that great seriousness, that sadness, accompanied by
signs of fearfulness and suspicion--pathognomonic and particular
symptoms of this disease, so well defined by the divine ancient
Hippocrates; that countenance, those red and staring eyes, that long
beard, that habit of body, thin, emaciated, black, and hairy--signs
denoting him greatly affected by the disease proceeding from a defect
in the hypochondria; which disease, by lapse of time, being
naturalised, chronic, habitual, ingrained, and established within
him, might well degenerate either into monomania, or into phthisis,
or into apoplexy, or even into downright frenzy and raving. All this
being taken for granted, since a disease well-known is a disease half
cured, for _ignoti nulla est curatio morbis_, it will not be
difficult for you to conclude what are the remedies needed by our
patient. First of all, to remedy this obdurate plethora, and this
luxuriant cacochymy throughout the body, I opine that he should be
freely phlebotomised; by which I mean that there should be frequent
and abundant bleedings, first in the basilic vein, then in the
cephalic vein; and if the disease be obstinate, that even the vein of
the forehead should be opened, and that the orifice be large, so that
the thick blood may issue out; and, at the same time, that he should
be purged, deobstructed, and evacuated by fit and suitable
purgatives, i.e. by chologues and melanogogues. And as the real
source of all this mischief is either a foul and feculent humour or a
black and gross vapour, which obscures, empoisons, and contaminates
the animal spirits, it is proper afterwards that he should have a
bath of pure and clean water, with abundance of whey; to purify, by
the water, the feculency of the foul humour, and by the whey to
clarify the blackness of the vapour. But, before all things, I think
it desirable to enliven him by pleasant conversations, by vocal and
instrumental music, to which it will not be amiss to add dancers,
that their movements, figures, and agility may stir up and awaken the
sluggishness of his spirits, which occasions the thickness of his
blood from whence the disease proceeds. These are the remedies I
propose, to which may be added many better ones by you, Sir, my
master and senior, according to the experience, judgment, knowledge
and sufficiency that you have acquired in our art. _Dixi_.
2ND PHY. Heaven forbid, Sir, that it should enter my thoughts to add
anything to what you have just been saying! You have discoursed too
well on all the signs, symptoms, and causes of this gentleman's
disease. The arguments you have used are so learned and so delicate
that it is impossible for him not to be mad and hypochondriacally
melancholic; or, were he not, that he ought to become so, because of
the beauty of the things you have spoken, and of the justness of your
reasoning. Yes, Sir, you have graphically depicted, _graphice
depinxisti_, everything that appertains to this disease. Nothing
can be more learnedly, judiciously, and ingeniously conceived,
thought, imagined, than what you have delivered on the subject of
this disease, either as regards the diagnostic, the prognostic, or
the therapeutic; and nothing remains for me to do but to congratulate
this gentleman upon falling into your hands, and to tell him that he
is but too fortunate to be mad, in order to experience the gentle
efficacy of the remedies you have so judiciously proposed. I approve
them in toto, _manibus et pedibus descendo in tuam sententiam_.
All I should like to add is to let all his bleedings and purgings be
of an odd number, _numero deus impare gaudet_, to take the whey
before the bath, and to make him a forehead plaster, in the
composition of which there should be salt--salt is a symbol of
wisdom; to whitewash the walls of his room, to dissipate the
gloominess of his mind; _album est disgregativum visas_; and to
give him a little injection immediately, to serve as a prelude and
introduction to those judicious remedies, from which, if he is
curable, he must receive relief. Heaven grant that these remedies,
which are yours, Sir, may succeed with the patient according to our
wish!
MR. POUR. Gentlemen, I have been listening to you for the last hour.
Are we acting a comedy here?
1ST PHY. No, Sir; we are not acting a comedy.
MR. POUR. What does it all mean? What are you about with this
gibberish and nonsense of yours?
1ST PHY. Ah! Insulting language! A diagnostic which was wanting for
the confirmation of his disease. This may turn to mania.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). With what kind of people have they left me
here. (_He spits two or three times._)
1ST PHY. Another diagnostic: frequent expectoration.
MR. POUR. Let us cease all this, and go away.
1ST PHY. Another: anxiety to move about.
MR. POUR. What is the meaning of all this business? What do you want
with me?
1ST PHY. To cure you, according to the order we have received.
MR. POUR. Cure me?
1ST PRY. Yes.
MR. POUR. S'death! I am not ill.
1ST PHY. It is a bad sign when a patient does not feel his illness.
MR. POUR. I tell you that I am quite well.
1ST PRY. We know better than you how you are; we are physicians who
see plainly into your constitution.
MR. POUR. If you are physicians, I have nothing to do with you; and I
snap my fingers at all your physic.
1ST PRY. H'm! h'm! This man is madder than we thought.
MR. POUR. My father and mother would never have anything to do with
remedies; and they both died without the help of doctors.
1ST PHY. I do not wonder if they have begotten a son who is mad.
(_To the_ 2ND PHYSICIAN) Come, let us begin the cure; and,
through the exhilarating sweetness of harmony, let us dulcify,
lenify, and pacify the acrimony of his spirits, which, I see, are
ready to be inflamed. (_Exeunt_.)
SCENE XII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_alone_).
What the devil is all this? Are the people of this place crazy? I
never saw anything like it; and I don't understand it a bit.
SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO PHYSICIANS (_in grotesque
clothes_).
(_They all three at first sit down; the PHYSICIANS rise up at
different times to bow to MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, Who rises up as often
to bow to them in return_.)
THE TWO PHYSICIANS.
Buon di, buon di, buon di!
Non vi lasciate uccidere
Dal dolor malinconico.
Noi vi faremo ridere
Col nostro canto armonico;
Sol per guarirvi.
Siamo venuti qui.
Buon di, buon di, buon di!
1ST PHYSICIAN.
Altro non e la pazzia
Che malinconia.
Il malato
Non e disperato
Se vol pigliar un poco d'allegria,
Altro non e la pazzia
Che malinconia.
2ND PHYSICIAN.
Su; cantate, ballate, ridete.
E, se far meglio volete,
Quando sentite il deliro vicino
Pigliate del vino,
E qualche volta un poco di tabac.
Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac.
[Translation:]
THE TWO PHYSICIANS.
Good day, good day, good day!
Yield not yourself a prey
To melancholy sway.
We'll make you laugh, I trow,
With songs harmonious, gay.
Unto us your cure is dear,
For that alone we're here.
Good day, good day, good day!
1ST PHYSICIAN.
Nought else is madness true
Save melancholy blue.
Not lost is he,
Though sick he be,
Who sips of mirth the dew.
Nought else is madness true
Save melancholy blue.
2ND PHYSICIAN.
Up then! sing loud, and dance and play,
"Better still I'd do!" you say.
Delirium's nigh--if you must pine,
Take first some wine;
And sometimes, too, take your tabac
Right joyfully, Monsu Pourceaugnac.
SCENE XIV.--BALLET.
SCENE XV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY.
APO. Sir, here is a little remedy; a little remedy which you must
take, if you please; if you please.
MR. POUR. How? I have no occasion for anything of the kind.
APO. It was ordered, Sir; it was ordered.
MR. POUR. Ah! What noise and bother.
APO. Take it, Sir; take it, Sir. It will do you no harm; it will do
you no harm, &c.
(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _runs away, the_ APOTHECARY, _&c. after
him_.)
SCENE XVI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, AN APOTHECARY, TWO PHYSICIANS (_in
grotesque clothes_).
THE TWO PHYSICIANS.
Piglialo su,
Signor Monsu;
Piglialo, piglialo, piglialo su,
Che non ti fara, male, &c.
[Translation:]
Take it, take it. Sir; it will do you no harm, &c.
ACT II.
SCENE I.--1ST PHYSICIAN, SBRIGANI.
1ST PHY. He has forced through every obstacle I had placed to hinder
him, and has fled from the remedies I was beginning to prepare for
him.
SBRI. To avoid remedies so salutary as yours is to be a great enemy
to oneself.
1ST PHY. It is the mark of a disturbed brain and of a depraved reason
to be unwilling to be cured.
SBRI. You would have cured him, for certain, in no time.
1ST PHY. Certainly; though there had been the complication of a dozen
diseases.
SBRI. With all that he makes you lose those fifty well-earned
pistoles.
1ST PHY. I have no intention of losing them; and I am determined to
cure him in spite of himself. He is bound and engaged to take my
remedies; and I will have him seized, wherever I can find him, as a
deserter from physic and an infringer of my prescriptions.
SBRI. You are right. Your medicines were sure of their effect; and it
is so much money he takes from you.
1ST PHY. Where could I find him?
SBRI. No doubt, at the house of that goodman Oronte, whose daughter
he comes to marry; and who, knowing nothing of the infirmity of his
future son-in-law, will perhaps be in a hurry to conclude the
marriage.
1ST PHY. I will go and speak to him at once.
SBRI. You should, in justice to yourself.
1ST PHY. He is in need of my consultations; and a patient must not
make a fool of his doctor.
SBRI. That is well said; and, if I were you, I would not suffer him
to marry till you have physicked him to your heart's content.
1ST PHY. Leave that to me.
SBRI. (_aside, and going_). For my part, I will bring another
battery into play; for the father-in-law is as much of a dupe as the
son-in-law.
SCENE II.--ORONTE, 1ST PHYSICIAN.
1ST PHY. A certain gentleman, Sir, a Mr. de Pourceaugnac, is to marry
your daughter; is he not?
ORO. Yes; I expect him from Limoges, and he ought to have been here
before now.
1ST PHY. And he has come; he has run away from my house, after having
been placed under my care; but I forbid you, in the name of the
faculty, to proceed with the marriage you have decided upon, before I
have duly prepared him for it, and put him in a state to have
children well-conditioned both in mind and body.
ORO. What is it you mean?
1ST PHY. Your intended son-in-law was entered as my patient. His
disease which was given me to cure is a chattel which belongs to me,
and which I reckon among my possessions. I therefore declare to you
that I will not allow him to marry before he has rendered due
satisfaction to the faculty, and submitted to the remedies which I
have ordered for him.
ORO. He is suffering from some disease?
1ST PHY. Yes.
ORO. And from what disease, if you please?
1ST PHY. Don't trouble yourself about that.
ORO. Is it some disease....?
1ST PHY. Doctors are bound to keep things secret. Let it suffice you
that I enjoin both you and your daughter not to celebrate the wedding
without my consent, upon pain of incurring the displeasure of the
faculty, and of undergoing all the diseases which we choose to lay
upon you.
ORO. If that is the case, I shall take good care to put a stop to the
marriage.
1ST PHY. He was entrusted to me, and he is bound to be my patient.
ORO. Very well.
1ST PHY. It is in vain for him to run away; I will have him sentenced
to be cured by me.
ORO. I am very willing.
1ST PHY. Yes; he must either die or be cured by me.
ORO. I consent to it.
1ST PHY. And if I cannot find him, I will make you answerable, and
cure you instead of him.
ORO. I am in very good health.
1ST PHY. No matter. I must have a patient, and I will take anyone I
can.
ORO. Take whom you will, but it shall not be me. (_Alone_) Did
you ever hear of such a thing!
SCENE III.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI _as a Flemish merchant_.
SBRI. Sir, py your leafe, I pe one voreign marchant, and vould like
ask you one littel news.
ORO. What, Sir?
SBRI. Put you de hat on de head, Sir, if you pleace.
ORO. Tell me. Sir, what you want.
SBRI. I tell nozink, Sir, if you not put de hat on de head.
ORO. Very well, then, what is it, Sir?
SBRI. You not know in dis town one Mister Oronte?
ORO. Yes, I know him.
SBRI. And vat for one man is he, Sir, if you pleace?
ORO. He is like any other man.
SBRI. I ask you, Sir, if he one man of money is?
ORO. Yes.
SBRI. But very mooch rich, Sir?
ORO. Yes.
SBRI. It does me mooch pleasure, Sir.
ORO. But why should it?
SERI. It is, Sir, for one littel great reason for us.
ORO. But why?
SBRI. It is, Sir, dat dis Mr. Oronte his tauchter in marriage to a
certain Mr. Pourgnac gifes.
ORO. Well!
SBRI. And dis Mr. Pourgnac, Sir, is one man vat owes mooch golt to
ten or twelf Flemish marchants vat come here.
ORO. This Mr. de Pourceaugnac owes a great deal to ten or twelve
merchants?
SBRI. Yes, Sir; and for de last eight months ve hafe obtain one
littel judgment against him, and he put off all de credeetors till
dis marriage vat Mr. Oronte gifes to his tauchter.
ORO. Ho! ho! So he puts off paying his creditors till then?
SBRI. Yes, Sir; and vid great defotion ve all wait for dis marriage.
ORO. The idea is not bad. (_Aloud_) I wish you good day.
SBRI. I tank de gentleman for de favour great.
ORO. Your very humble servant.
SBRI. I pe, Sir, more great obliged don all py de goot news vat the
Mister gife me. (_Alone, after having taken off his beard, and
taken off the Flemish dress which he has put over his_) Things
don't go badly. All is going on swimmingly. I must throw off this
disguise and think of something else. We will put so much suspicion
between the father-in-law and his son-in-law that the intended
marriage must come to nothing. They are both equally fit to swallow
the baits that are laid for them, and it is mere child's play for us
great sharpers when we find such easy gulls.
SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.
MR. POUR. (_thinking himself alone_). _Piglialo su, piglialo
su, Signor Monsu_. What the deuce does it all mean? (_Seeing_
SBRIGANI) Ah!
SBRI. What is the matter, Sir? what ails you?
MR. POUR. Everything I see seems injection.
SBRI. How is that?
MR. POUR. You can't think what has happened to me in that house where
you took me.
SBRI. No! What has happened?
MR. POUR. I thought I should be well feasted there.
SBRI. Well?
MR. POUR. I leave you in this gentleman's hands. Doctors dressed in
black. In a chair. Feel the pulse. In proof of what I say. He is mad.
Two big, fat-faced fellows, with large-brimmed hats. _Buon di, buon
di._ Six pantaloons. Ta, ra, ta, toi, ta, ra, ta, ta, toi.
_Allegramente, Monsu Pourceaugnac_, Take, Sir; take, take. It is
gentle, gentle, gentle. _Piglialo su, Signor Monsu; piglialo,
piglialo su_. I never was so surfeited with absurdities in all my
life.
SBRI. What does it all mean?
MR. POUR. It means, Sir, that this gentleman, with all his kissing
and hugging, is a deceitful rascal, who has sent me to that house to
play me some trick.
SBRI. Is it possible?
MR. POUR. It is, indeed. They were a dozen devils at my heels, and I
had all the difficulty in the world to escape out of their clutches.
SBRI. Just fancy how deceitful people's looks are; I should have
taken him for the most affectionate friend you have. It is a wonder
to me how there can exist such rascals in the world.
MR. POUR. My imagination is full of it all; and it seems to me that I
see everywhere a dozen injections threatening me.
SBRI. This is really too bad! how treacherous and wicked people are!
MR. POUR. Pray, tell me where Mr. Oronte lives. I should be glad to
go there at once.
SBRI. Ah! ah! you are of a loving disposition, I see; and you have
heard that Mr. Oronte has a daughter?
MR. POUR. Yes; I am come to marry her.
SBRI. To ma ... to marry her?
MR. POUR. Yes.
SBRI. In wedlock?
MR. POUR. How could it be otherwise?
SBRI. Oh! it is another thing, and I beg your pardon.
MR. POUR. What is it you mean?
SBRI. Oh, nothing.
MR. POUR. But, pray!
SBRI. Nothing, I tell you. I spoke rather hastily.
MR. POUR. I beg of you to tell me what it is.
SBRI. No; it is not necessary.
MR. POUR. Pray do.
SBRI. No; I beg you to excuse me.
MR. POUR. What! are you not one of my friends?
SBRI. Yes, certainly; nobody more so.
MR. POUR. Then you ought not to hide anything from me.
SBRI. It is a thing in which a neighbour's honour is concerned.
MR. POUR. That I may oblige you to treat me like a friend, here is a
small ring I beg of you to keep for my sake.
SBRI. Let me consider a little if I can in conscience do it. (_Goes
away a small distance from_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) He is a man who
looks after his own interests, who tries to provide for his daughter
as advantageously as possible; and one should injure nobody. It is
true that these things are no secret; but I shall be telling them to
a man who knows nothing about it, and it is forbidden to talk scandal
of one's neighbour. All this is true. On the other hand, however,
here is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good
faith to marry a girl he knows nothing about, and whom be has never
seen. A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some
inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts
his confidence in me, and gives me a ring to keep for his sake.
(_To_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC) Yes, I think that I can tell you how
things are without wounding my conscience. But I must try to tell it
all to you in the mildest way possible, and to spare people as much
as I can. If I were to tell you that this girl leads a bad life, it
would be going too far. I must find some milder term to explain
myself. The word coquette does not come up to the mark; that of
downright flirt seems to me to answer the purpose pretty well, and I
can make use of it to tell you honestly what she is.
MR. POUR. They want to make a fool of me then?
SBRI. But it may not be so bad as people think; and after all, there
are men who set themselves above such things, and who do not think
that their honour depends upon....
MR. POUR. I am your servant; I have no wish to adorn my person with
such a head-dress, and the Pourceaugnacs are accustomed to walk with
their heads free.
SBRI. Here is the father.
MR. POUR. Who? this old man?
SBRI. Yes. Allow me to withdraw.
SCENE V.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
MR. POUR. Good morning, Sir; good morning.
ORO. Your servant, Sir; your servant.
MR. POUR. You are Mr. Oronte; are you not?
ORO. Yes.
MR. POUR. And I, Mr. de Pourceaugnac.
ORO. Ah, indeed!
MR. POUR. Do you think, Mr. Oronte, that the people of Limoges are
fools?
ORO. Do you think, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that the people of Paris are
asses?
MR. POUR. Do you imagine, Mr. Oronte, that a man like me can be dying
for a wife?
ORO. Do you imagine, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, that a daughter like mine
can be dying for a husband?
SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, JULIA, ORONTE.
JUL. I have just been told, father, that Mr. de Pourceaugnac has
come. Ah, there he is, no doubt; my heart tells me so. How handsome
he is! How splendidly he holds himself. How pleased I am to have such
a husband! [Footnote: See act i, scene iv] Give me leave to kiss him
and to show him....
ORO. Softly, daughter, softly.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). Heyday! At what a pace she goes, and how
she takes fire!
ORO. I should very much like to know, Mr. de Pourceaugnac, for what
reason you....
JUL. (_approaches_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _looks at him with a
languishing look, and tries to take his hand_). How pleased I am
to see you! And how impatient I am to....
ORO. Hey! daughter, go away; will you?
MR. POUR. (_aside_). What a free and easy young damsel!
ORO. I should like to know what made you have the boldness to....
(JULIA _continues as above_.)
MR. POUR. (_aside_). By Jove!
ORO. (_to_ JULIA). Again! What do you mean?
JUL. May I not kiss the husband you have chosen for me?
ORO. No; go in.
JUL. Allow me to look at him.
ORO. Go in, I tell you.
JUL. I should like to stop here, if you please.
ORO. I will not suffer it. If you do not go in immediately, I....
JUL. Very well then, I will go in.
ORO. My daughter is a foolish girl who does not understand things.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). How taken she is with me!
ORO. (_to_ JULIA, _who has stopped_). You won't go.
JUL. When will yon marry me to this gentleman?
ORO. Never. You are not intended for him.
JUL. I will have him, I will have him; you promised him to me.
ORO. If I promised him to you, I take my promise back again.
MR. POUR. (_aside_). She would fain eat me.
JUL. Do what you will, we will be married in spite of everybody.
ORO. I shall know how to prevent it, I forewarn you. What madness has
taken hold of her?
SCENE VII.--ORONTE, MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.
MR. POUR. I say, our intended father-in-law, don't give yourself so
much trouble; I have no intention of running away with your daughter;
and your pretence won't take at all.
ORO. And yours will in no way succeed.
MR. POUR. Did you think that Leonardo de Pourceaugnac is a man to buy
a pig in a poke, and that he has not the sense to find out what goes
on in the world, and to see if, in marrying, his honour is safe?
ORO. I do not know what you mean; but did you take into your head
that a man of sixty-three years old has so little common sense, and
so little consideration for his daughter, as to marry her to a man
who has you know what, and who was put with a doctor to be cured?
MR. POUR. This is a trick that was practised upon me, and there is
nothing the matter with me.
ORO. The doctor told us so himself.
MR. POUR. The doctor told a lie. I am a gentleman, and I will meet
him sword in hand.
ORO. I know what I ought to believe, and you can no more impose upon
me in this matter than about the debts you are bound to pay on your
marriage day.
MR. POUR. What debts?
ORO. It is of no use to affect ignorance. I have seen the Flemish
merchant who with other creditors obtained a decision against you
eight months ago.
MR. POUR. What Flemish merchant? What creditors? What decision
obtained against me?
ORO. You know perfectly well what I mean.
SCENE VIII.--MR. DR POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE.
LUC. (_pretending to be a woman from Languedoc_). [Footnote:
Somerset dialect is employed here.] Oh, yeu be yur, be'e! an' I've
avoun thee to las, arter all this yur traepsin' vurwurd an' backward.
Cans thee now, yeu rascal; cans leuk me in the fae-as?
MR. POUR. What is it this woman wants?
LUC. What do I want o' thee, yeu villun! Thee's mak wise neet to know
me, disn? an' thee disn turn rid nuther, eempodent oseburd that thee
art! What! thee witn turn colour vur to leuk me in the fae-as!
(_To_ ORONTE) I baent saaf, Maister, nif'tis yeu that they do
zay 'ee weeshth vur to marry wi' the darter o'? but 'owsomever I
zwear to yeu, I be the weiv o' un, an' that zeben yur agone when 'ee
was a travellin' drue Pezenas, he made out, we' 'iz falseness, that
'ee knowth zo wul 'ow vur act vur to come over my 'art, an' zo by one
way or tother vur to git me vur to gee unmy 'an vur to marry un.