Monsieur de Pourceaugnac by Poquelin (Moliere)
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Poquelin (Moliere) >> Monsieur de Pourceaugnac
ORO. Oh! oh!
LUC. The rascal lef me dree yur arterwurds, purtendin' that 'eed agot
some bizness vur to deu in 'iz own country, an' ivur sinz I 'ant
ayeard no news at all o' un; but when I wadn thinkin' nothin' 'tall
'bout 'ee, I yeard 'em say as 'ow 'ee was acomin' yur, into this yur
town, vur to be amarried agee'an wi' another young ummun, that her
father an' mother 'd apromised teu un athout knowin' nothin' 'ow that
'ee was amarried avore. Zo I starts toracly, an' I be acome yur to
this yur place so zeun's ivur I pausible keud, vur to staup this yur
wicked marridge, an' vur to show op, avore all the wurld, the very
wissest man that iver was.
MR. POUR. What wonderful impudence!
LUC. Eempurence! Baent yeu ashee'amd o' yurzul vur to mak sport o'
me, 'stid o' bein' abroke down wi' eenward feelins, that thee wicked
'art aurt vur to gee thee?
MR. POUR. Do you mean to say that I am your husband?
LUC. Villun! dis dare to zay tidn zo? Ah! thee's know wul 'nuf, wiss
luck to me, that tis all zo treu's the Gauspel; an' I weesh to Heben
twadn zo, an' that thee'ds alef me so eenocent an' so quiet like eens
I used to be, avore thy charms an' thy trumpery, bad luck, made me
vur to 'sake it all! I nivur sheudn abin abrought down vur to be the
pour weesh thing that I be now--vur to zee my man, cruel like, mak a
laughin' sport of all the love that I've a 'ad vorn, an' lef me
athout one beet o' pity, vur the mortal pain I've abeared, 'bout the
shee'amful way 'eev asard me.
ORO. Really, I feel quite ready to weep. Go! you are a wicked man!
SCENE IX.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, NERINE, LUCETTE, ORONTE.
NER. (_pretending to be from Picardy_).[Footnote: Lowland Scotch
is employed here.] Oh! Aa can stand nowt more; aa'm rait winded! Ah!
good for nowt, thou's made me run well for it; thou'lt not 'scape me
now. Joostice! Joostice! Aa forbid the weddin. (_To_ ORONTE)
He's my ain man, Mast-ther, and as sh'd joost loik to ave him stroong
up, the precious hang-dog there.
MR. POUR. Another!
ORO. What a devil of a man!
LUC. An' what be yeu a-tullin' o', wai yur vurbeedin' an' yur
'angin'? Thiki man's yo-ur uzban, is ur?
NER. You're rait, Missis, an aa'm joost his woif.
LUC. That's a lie then; 'tis me that's the rail weiv o' un; an eef
'ee ought vur to be a'anged, why 'tis me that ought vur to 'ave it
adeud.
NER. Me; aa can mak nowt o' that soort o' talk.
LUC. I do tul 'ee 'ow that I be 'is weiv.
NER. His woif?
LUC. Ees fie!
NER. Aa tell ye once more, that it's me at's joost that.
LUC. An' I vows an' declares as 'ow tez me, my own zul.
NER. 'Twere fowr yeer agone 'at he wed me.
LUC. An' me, tez zeben yur sinz 'e teuk me vur 'iz weiv.
NER. Aa can proove aal 'at aa say.
LUC. All my naibours knowth ut.
NER. Owr town can well witness to it.
LUC. All Pezenas zeed us amarried.
NER. All Sin Quintin helpt at owr weddin'.
LUC. Thur cant be nort more saafur.
NER. Nowt can be more sartin.
LUC. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Dis thee dare to zay ort gin
ut, yeu villun?
NER. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Canst thou deny me, wicked man?
MR. POUR. One is as true as the other.
LUC. What eemperence! What, yeu rogue, yeu don't mind poor leedle
Franky an' poor leedle Jinny--they that be the outcomin's o' our
marridge?
NER. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel,
owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith?
MR. POUR. What impudent jades!
LUC. Yur Franky! Yur Jinny, come both o' ee, come both o' ee, come
an' mak yur bad rascal of a father own to 'ow ee've asard all o' us.
NER. Coom hither, Maggy, maa cheel, coom heere quick, an' shame your
fayther of th' impudence 'at he's gotten.
SCENE X.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE, NERINE, SEVERAL
CHILDREN.
CHI. Fayther! fayther! fayther!
MR. POUR. Deuce take the little brats!
LUC. What yeu, villun, artn thee fit to drap, vur to tak to yur
chillurn arter jis farshin, an' to keep thee eyes vas, 'feerd thee
mids show lig a father teu 'em? Thee shetn git away vrom me, yeu
scaulus oseburd! I'll volly thee ivery place, and cry op thee
wickedness 'gin I've asard thee out, an' 'gin I've amade thee zwing.
Rascal, I sheud like vur to mak thee zwing vor't, an' that I sheud.
NER. Wilt not bloosh to spaik yon words, an' to tak no thowt o'th
kissin' o' yon poor cheel? Thou'lt not get clear o' ma claws; aa can
tell thee! an spoit o' thy showin' thy teeth, aa'l mak thee know 'at
aa'm thy woif, an' aa'l mak thee hang for it.
CHIL. Fayther! fayther! fayther!
MR. POUR. Help! help! Where shall I run?
ORO. Go; you will do right to have him punished, and he richly
deserves to be hanged.
SCENE XI.--SBRIGANI (_alone_).
Everything has been done according to my wish, and is succeeding
admirably. We will so weary out our provincial that he will only be
too thankful to leave the place.
SCENE XII:--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI.
MR. POUR. Ah! I am murdered! What vexation! What a cursed town!
Assassinated everywhere!
SBRI. What is it, Sir? Has anything new happened?
MR. POUR. Yes; it rains doctors and women in this country.
SBRI. How is that?
MR. POUR. Two jabbering jades have just been accusing me of being
married to both of them, and have threatened me with justice.
SBRI. This is a bad business, for in this country justice is terribly
rigorous against that sort of crime.
MR. POUR. Yes; but even if there should be information, citation,
decree, and verdict obtained by surprise, default, and contumacy, I
have still the alternative of a conflict of jurisdiction to gain
time, and a resort to the means of nullity that will be found in the
court case.
SBRI. The very terms, and it is easy to see that you are in the
profession, Sir.
MR. POUR. I? Certainly not; I am a gentleman. [Footnote: Compare act
i. scene v.]
SBRI. But to speak as you do, you must have studied the law.
MR. POUR. Not at all. It is only common sense which tells me that I
shall always be admitted to be justified by facts, and that I could
not be condemned upon a simple accusation, without witnesses,
evidence, and confrontation with my adverse party.
SBRI. This is more clever still.
MR. POUR. These words come into my head without my knowledge.
SBRI. It seems to me that the common sense of a gentleman may go so
far as to understand what belongs to right and the order of justice,
but not to know the very terms of chicane.
MR. POUR. They are a few words I remember from reading novels.
SBRI. Ah! I See.
MR. POUR. To show you that I understand nothing of chicane, I beg of
you to take me to a lawyer to have advice upon this affair.
SBRI. Willingly. I will take you to two very clever men; but, first,
I must tell you not to be surprised at their manner of speaking. They
have contracted at the bar a certain habit of declaiming which looks
like singing, and you would think all they tell you is nothing but
music.
MR. POUR. It does not matter how they speak, as long as they tell me
what I wish to know!
SCENE XIII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, TWO LAWYERS, TWO
ATTORNEYS, TWO SERGEANTS.
1ST LAWYER (_drawling out his words_).
Polygamy's a case, you find,
A case of hanging.
2ND LAWYER (_singing and speaking very fast_).
Your deed
Is plain and clear,
And all the gear
Of wigs and law
Upon this flaw
One verdict bear.
Consult our authors,
Legislators and glossators,
Justinian, Papinian,
Ulpian and Tribonian,
Fernand, Rebuffe, Jean Imole, [*]
Paul Castro, Julian Barthole, [*]
Jason, Aloyat, and Cujas
That mighty mind!
Polygamy's a case, you'll find,
A case of hanging.
[* Footnote: The French forms have been retained for the sake of the
rhyme.]
BALLET, _while the_ 2ND LAWYER _sings as before_.
All nations civilised,
French, Dutch, and English,
Portuguese, Germans, Flemish,
Italians and Spanish,
By wisdom's sceptre swayed,
For this the self-same law have made.
The affair allows no doubt,
Polygamy's a case,
A case of hanging.
(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, _irritated, drives them all away_.)
ACT III.
SCENE I.--ERASTE, SBRIGANI.
SBRI. Yes; everything is succeeding splendidly; and as his knowledge
of things is very shallow, and his understanding of the poorest, I
put him in such a terrible fright at the severity of the law in this
country, and at the preparations which were already set on foot to
put him to death, [Footnote: Bigamists were really put to death.]
that he is determined to run away, and in order the better to escape
from the people who, I have told him, are placed at the city gates to
stop him, he has decided upon disguising himself as a woman.
ERA. How I should like to see him dressed up in that way!
SBRI. Take care you carry out the farce properly; and whilst I go
through my parts with him, you go and.... (_Whispers to him_.)
You understand, don't you?
ERA. Yes.
SBRI. And when I have taken him where I mean.... (_Whispers_.)
ERA. All right.
SBRI. And when the father has been forewarned by me....
(_Whispers_.)
ERA. Nothing could be better.
SBRI. Here is our young lady. Go quickly; she must not see us
together.
SCENE II.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (_as a lady_), SBRIGANI.
SBRI. For my part, I don't think any one can know you, and you look
exactly like a lady of birth.
MR. POUR. I am so astonished that in this province the forms of
justice should not be observed.
SBRI. Yes; as I have already told you, they begin by hanging a man,
and try him afterwards.
MR. POUR. What unjust justice!
SBRI. It is devilishly severe, particularly on this kind of crime.
MR. POUR. Still, when one is innocent?
SBRI. Ah me! They care little for that, and, besides, they have here
a most intolerable hatred for the people of your province; and
nothing gives them more pleasure than to hang a man from Limoges.
[Footnote: Moliere seems to have had a grudge against Limoges.
Compare act i. scene i.]
MR. POUR. What have the people from Limoges done to them?
SBRI. How do I know? They are downright brutes, enemies to all the
gentility and merit of other cities. For my part, I am in the
greatest fear on your account, and I should never comfort myself if
you were hanged.
MR. POUR. It is not so much the fear of death that urges me to fly as
the fact of being hanged, for it is a most degrading thing for a
gentleman, and would ruin one's title of nobility.
SBRI. You are right; after such a thing they would contest your right
of bearing a title of nobility. [Footnote: Noblemen were beheaded.]
But, be careful, when I lead you by the hand, to walk like a woman,
and to assume the manners and the language of a lady of quality.
MR. POUR. Leave that to me; I have seen people of high standing in
the world. The only thing that troubles me is that I have somewhat of
a beard.
SBRI. Oh! it's not worth mentioning. There are many women who have as
much. Now, let us just see how you will behave yourself. (MR. DE
POURCEAUGNAC _mimics a lady of rank_.) Good.
MR. POUR. Why, my carriage is not here! Where is my carriage?
Gracious me! how wretched to have such attendants! Shall I have to
wait all day in the street? Will not some one call my carriage for
me?
SBRI. Very good.
MR. POUR. Soho! there, coachman. Little page! Ah! little rogue, what
a whipping you will get by and by! Little page-boy! little page-boy!
Where in the world is that page-boy? Will that little page never be
found? Will nobody call that little page for me? Is my little page
nowhere to be found?
SBRI. Marvellous! But there is one thing that I see does not do. This
hood is a little too thin; I must go and fetch you a thicker one, to
hide your face better in case of any accident.
MR. POUR. What shall I do in the meantime?
SBRI. Wait for me here. I will be back in a moment; you have only to
walk about.
(MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC _walks forward and backward on the stage,
mimicking the lady of rank._)
SCENE III.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO SWISS.
1ST SWISS (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Come you, make
haste, mein comrad, ve vill, both of us, go to ze market-place; to
zee dis Porcegnac at de chustice, which him contemns to pe hung py de
neck.
2ND SWISS. (_without seeing_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Ve moost hire
one vindow to zee dis chustice.
1ST SWISS. Man says dat zey alreaty a great new gallow plant hafe, to
hang dis Porcegnac to it.
2ND SWISS. It will pe, yes, a great pleazure to see dis Limossin
hung.
1ST SWISS. Ja! to see him vaggle de feet up zere pefor all de
peoples!
2ND SWISS. He pe one funny man, he pe; man says dat he married dree
times hafe.
1ST SWISS. Ze room fellow! he vant dree wifes all to himself! one
fery much pe quite enough for him.
2ND SWISS (_perceiving_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.) Ah! goot tay,
missy.
1ST SWISS. Vat do you zere all by self.
MR. POUR. I am waiting for my servants, gentlemen.
2ND SWISS. You pe prooty, missy?
MR. POUR. Gently, sirs.
1ST SWISS. Missy, vill you come and amuse you on de market-place? Ve
will make you zee one little hanging fery prooty.
MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you.
2ND SWISS. It is a Limossin chentleman vat will hung pe fery prootily
at a great gallow.
MR. POUR. I am not desirous to see it.
1ST SWISS. You hafe one much funny prest....
MR. POUR. Ah! this is too much! and such odious things are not said
to a woman of my position.
2ND SWISS. You go avay.
1ST SWISS. Me vill let not you.
2ND SWISS. Put I vill, I tell ye. (_Both lay hold of_ MR. DE
POURCEAUGNAC _roughly_.)
1ST SWISS. I vill not let you.
2ND SWISS. You hafe told one fery mooch lie.
1ST SWISS. You hafe told one lie yourself.
MR. POUR. Help! help! police!
SCENE IV.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS, TWO SWISS.
OFF. What is it? what is the meaning of this violence? and what are
you doing to this lady? Be off at once, unless you wish to be put in
prison.
1ST SWISS. Goot, you gone, you vill not hafe her.
2ND SWISS. Goot, you gone too, you vill not hafe her also.
SCENE V.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS.
MR. POUR. I am much obliged to you, Sir, for saving me from those
insolent fellows.
OFF. Oh! oh! This is a face which is deucedly like that which was
described to me.
MR. POUR. It is not I, I assure you.
OFF. Oh! oh! what does this mean?
MR. POUR. I don't know.
OFF. What is it, then, that makes you say that?
MR. POUR. Nothing.
OFF. This manner of speaking is somewhat ambiguous, and you are my
prisoner.
MR. POUR. O, Sir, I pray!
OFF. No, no; to judge by your appearance and your manner of speaking,
you must be that Mr. de Pourceaugnac we are looking for, although you
are disguised in this manner, and you must come to prison at once.
MR. POUR. Alas!
SCENE VI.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, THREE POLICE OFFICERS.
SERI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). Heavens! what does this mean?
MR. POUR. They have discovered who I am.
OFF. Yes, yes; I am delighted about it.
SERI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Ah, Sir! for my sake! do not take him
to prison; you know that we have been friends a long while.
OFF. I cannot help it.
SBRI. You are a man to hear reason, Is there no way of adjusting this
matter with the help of a few pistoles?
OFF. (_to his subordinates_). Go farther back.
SCENE VII.--MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, A POLICE OFFICER.
SBRI. (_to_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC). You must give him some money
for him to let you go. Be quick.
MR. POUR. (_giving some money to_ SBRIGANI). Ah! cursed place.
SBRI. Here, Sir.
OFF. How much is there?
SBRI. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
OFF. No; I have express orders.
SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER, _who is going_). Pray wait. (_To
_ MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC) Be quick, give him as much again.
MR. POUR. But....
SBRI. Be quick, I tell you; don't waste time; you would be happy,
would you not, if you were hanged?
MR. POUR. Ah! (_Gives more money to_ SBRIGANI.)
SBRI. (_to the_ OFFICER). Here, Sir.
OFF. (_to_ SBRIGANI). I must go off with him, for I should not
be in safety here after this. Leave him to me, and don't stir from
this place.
SBRI. I beg of you to take the utmost care of him.
OFF. I promise you not to leave him one moment till I see him safe.
MR. POUR. (_to_ SBRIGANI). Farewell! This is the first honest
man I have found in this town.
SCENE VIII.--ORONTE, SBRIGANI.
SBRI. (_affecting not to see_ ORONTE). Ah! What a strange
adventure! What terrible news for a father! Poor Oronte, how much I
pity you! What will you say? How will you ever be able to bear with
such a misfortune?
ORO. What is it? Of what misfortune do you speak?
SBRI. Ah, Sir! This wretch of a Limousin has run away with your
daughter!
ORO. Run away with my daughter!
SERI. Yes; she became so infatuated with him that she has left you to
follow him. It is said that he has a charm to make all women fall in
love with him.
ORO. Quick! Justice! Let the police be set after them!
SCENE IX.--ORONTE, ERASTE, JULIA, SBRIGANI.
ERA. (_to_ JULIA). Come along; you shall come in spite of
yourself. I will put you in your father's hands. Sir, here is your
daughter, whom I had to take by force from the man with whom she was
running away; it is not for her sake that I did it, but entirely for
yours. For, after such conduct, I ought to despise her, and it is
enough to cure me altogether of my love.
ORO. Ah! infamous girl that you are!
ERA. (_to_ JULIA). How could you treat me in that way, after all
the proofs of affection I have given you? I do not blame you for
being obedient to your father's will; he is wise and judicious in all
he does; and I do not complain of him for having preferred another to
me. They told him that that other man was richer than I by four or
five thousand crowns, and four or five thousand crowns are a good
round sum, and are enough to make a gentleman break his word; but
that you should forget in a moment all the love I had for you, suffer
yourself to fall madly in love with the first new-comer, and
shamefully follow him; without the consent of your father, after all
the crimes that were charged upon him! It is what all the world will
condemn, and what my heart can never cease to reproach you with.
JUL. Well, yes; I fell in love with him, and I wanted to follow him,
since my father had chosen him to be my husband. Whatever you may
say, he is a very honest man, and all the crimes they accuse him of
are so many detestable falsehoods.
ORO. Be silent; you are an impertinent hussy, and I know better than
you.
JUL. They are some tricks they have played him, and (_showing_
ERASTE) it is he himself, no doubt, who managed it all, to disgust
you with him.
ERA. What! I should be capable of such a thing?
JUL. Yes, you.
ORO. Be silent, I tell you. You are a silly girl.
ERA. You need not think that I have any wish to prevent the match,
and that it is because I love you that I hastened to rescue you. I
have already told you that it is only because of the regard I have
for your father. I could not bear to see an honourable man exposed to
the shame of all the gossip that would be occasioned by such an
action.
ORO. I am truly and sincerely obliged to you, Sir.
ERA. Farewell, Sir! I had the greatest desire to enter into your
family; I did everything to deserve such an honour; but I have been
unfortunate, and you did not judge me worthy of that honour. It will
not prevent me from retaining towards you all those feelings of
esteem and regard which your person demands; and although I cannot be
your son-in-law, I shall always be at your service.
ORO. Stay. Your behaviour touches my heart, and I give you my
daughter in marriage.
JUL. I won't have any other husband than Mr. de Pourceaugnac.
ORO. And I will have you marry Eraste at once.
JUL. No; I will not.
ORO. I shall give it you about the ears.
ERA. No, no, Sir; don't use violence towards her, I pray you.
ORO. I will have her obey me, and I will show her that I am the
master.
ERA. Do you not see how fast in love she is with that man; and would
you have me possess the body while another has the heart?
ORO. He has thrown some charm upon her. You may be sure that she will
change before long. Give me your hand. Come.
JUL. No!
ORO. Ah! What, rebellion! Your hand, I tell you, at once. Ah!
ERA. Do not think that it is because of my love for you that I agree
to marry you; it is your father only I am in love with, and it is him
whom I marry.
ORO. I am truly obliged to you, and I add ten thousand crowns to my
daughter's portion. Quick; a notary to draw up the contract.
ERA. In the meanwhile, let us enjoy the pleasures of the season, and
fetch in those masks whom the report of Mr. de Pourceaugnac's wedding
has attracted hither.
SCENE X.--A BALLET