A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Volume I. by R. Dodsley

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Wilson, in his "Rhetorique," published in 1553, speaks of Heywood's
"Proverbs" as then in print.[311] They were also republished in 1561; and
the title-page professes that the work has been "newly overseen, and
somewhat corrected, by the sayde John Heywood." The only copy I have met
with is imperfect at the end, and the title-page does not state who was
the printer of it. "John Heywoodes Woorkes" were printed collectively in
156[2]; they consist of proverbs and epigrams.

Winstanley expressed a doubt whether the author of the epigrams and of
the plays were not different persons. The following epigram will be
sufficient to set that fact beyond contradiction, and at the same time
exhibit a specimen of the author's manner:--

"Art thou _Heywood_ with the mad mery wit?
Ye, forsooth, master, that same is euen hit.
Art thou _Heywood_ that applyeth mirth more then thrift?
Ye, sir, I take mery mirth a golden gift.
Art thou _Heywood_ that hath made many mad plaies?
Ye, many playes, fewe good woorkes in all my daies.
Art thou _Heywood_ that hath made men mery long?
Ye, and will, if I be made mery among.
Art thou _Heywood_ that woulde be made mery now?
Ye, sir, helpe me to it now, I beseche yow."

Winstanley and Philips ascribe to him falsely the "Pinner of Wakefield"
and "Philotus," [the latter] printed at Edinburgh, 1603.

Fuller[312] mentions a book written by our author, entitled "Monumenta
literaria," which are said to be _Non tam lambore condita, quam lepore
condita_. [But this was not by John Heywood. It is apparently _Thomas_
Heywood's account of the "English Poets" referred to by more than one of
his contemporaries.

The curious old relic here reprinted went through three _known_
editions,[313] of which the earliest may be assigned to 1540 or
thereabouts, the latest bearing date 1569. The colophon of the former
will be found at the end.]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

A PALMER.
A PARDONER.
AN APOTHECARY.
A PEDLAR.

THE FOUR P.P.[314]

PALMER.[315] Now God be here; who keepeth this place?
Now by my faith I cry you mercy;
Of reason I must sue for grace,
My rudeness showeth me[316] so homely.
Whereof your pardon axed and won,
I sue you[317], as courtesy doth me bind,
To tell this, which shall be begun,
In order as may come best in mind.
I am a Palmer, as ye[318] see,
Which of my life much part have[319] spent
In many a fair and far[320] country.
As Pilgrims do of good intent.
At Jerusalem[321] have I been
Before Christ's blessed sepulchre:
The mount of Calvary have I seen[322],
A holy place, you may be sure.
To Jehosaphat and Olivet[323]
On foot, God wot, I went right bare:
Many a salt tear did I sweat,
Before thy carcase could [324] come there.
Yet have I been at Rome also,
And gone the stations [325] all a-row:
St Peter's shrine and many mo,
Than, if I told all, ye do know.
Except that there be any such,
That hath been there, and diligently
Hath taken heed, and marked much,
Then can they speak as much as I.
Then at the Rhodes[326] also I was;
And round about to Amias.[327]
At St Uncumber and St Trunnion;[328]
At St Botoph[329] and St Anne of Buxton.[330]
On the hills of Armenia, where I saw[331] Noe's ark;[332]
With holy Job, and St George in Southwark;[333]
At Waltham[334] and at Walsingham;[335]
And at the good rood[336] of Dagenham[337];
At Saint Cornelys[338]; at Saint James in Gales[339];
And at Saint Wenefrid's well[340] in Wales;
At our Lady of Boston;[341] at Saint Edmund's burgh;[342]
And straight to Saint Patrick's Purgatory[343];
At Redburne,[344] and at the blood of Hales,[345]
Where pilgrims' pains right much avails;
At Saint David's,[346] and at Saint Denis;[347]
At Saint Matthew, and Saint Mark in Venice;[348]
At Master John Shorn at Canterbury;[349]
The great God of Catwade,[350] at King Henry[351]
At Saint Saviour's;[352] at our lady of Southwell;[353]
At Crome,[354] at Willesden,[355] and at Muswell;[356]
At Saint Richard,[357] and at Saint Rock;[358]
And at Our Lady that standeth in the oak.[359]
To these, with other many one,
Devoutly have I prayed and gone,
Praying to them to pray for me
Unto the blessed Trinity,
By whose prayers and my daily pain
I trust the sooner to obtain[360]
For my salvation, grace, and mercy.
For be ye sure I think surely,[361]
Who seeketh saints for Christ's sake,
And namely such as pain do take
On foot, to punish their[362] frail body,
Shall thereby merit more highly
Than by anything done by man.

PARDONER.[363] And when ye have gone as far as ye[364] can,
For all your labour and ghostly intent,
Ye[365] will come home as wise as ye went.

PALMER. Why, sir, despised ye pilgrimage?

PARDONER. Nay,[366] fore God, sir, then did I rage;
I think ye right well occupied,
To seek these saints on every side.
Also your pain[367] I not dispraise it;
But yet I discommend your wit:
And ere[368] we go, even so shall ye,
If you in this will answer me.
I pray you show what the cause is,
Ye went all these pilgrimages?

PALMER. Forsooth, this life I did begin
To rid the bondage of my sin:
For which these saints rehearsed ere this
I have both sought and seen, i-wis;
Beseeching them to bear record
Of all my pain unto the Lord,
That giveth all remission,
Upon each man's contrition;
And by their good mediation,
Upon mine[369] humble submission,
I trust to have in very deed
For my soul health the better speed.

PARDONER. Now is your own confession likely
To make yourself[370] a fool quickly.
For I perceive ye would obtain
No other[371] thing for all your pain,
But only grace your soul to save:
Now mark in this what wit ye have!
To seek so far, and help so nigh;
Even here at home is remedy;
For at your door myself doth dwell,
Who could have saved your soul as well;
As all your wide wandering shall do,
Though ye went thrice to Jericho.
Now since ye might have sped at home,
What have ye won by running[372] at Rome?

PALMER. If this be true that ye have moved,
Then is my wit indeed reproved.
But let us hear first what ye are?

PARDONER. Truly I am a pardoner.

PALMER. Truly a pardoner! that may be true;
But a true pardoner doth not ensue.
Right seldom is it seen, or never,
That truth and pardoners dwell together,
For be your pardons never so great,
Yet them to enlarge ye will not let
With such lies that ofttimes, Christ wot,
Ye seem to have that ye have not.
Wherefore I went myself to the self thing
In every place and without saying:
Had as much pardon there assuredly,
As ye can promise me here doubtfully.
Howbeit, I think ye do but scoff:[373]
But if ye had all the pardon ye speak[374] of,
And no whit of pardon granted
In any place where I have haunted:
Yet of my labour I nothing repent;
God hath respect how each time is spent;
And as in his knowledge all is regarded,
So by his goodness all is rewarded.

PARDONER. By the[375] first part of this last tale,
It seemeth ye came of late[376] from the ale.
For reason on your side so far doth fail,
That ye leave reasoning,[377] and begin to rail.
Wherein you[378] forget your own part clearly,
For you[379] be as untrue as I:
And in one point ye are beyond me,
For you[380] may lie by authority,
And all that have[381] wandered so far,
That no man can be their controller.
And where you[382] esteem your labour so much,
I say yet again my pardons are[383] such,
That if there were a thousand souls on a heap,
I would bring them to heaven as good cheap.[384]
As ye have brought yourself on pilgrimage,
In the least[385] quarter of your voyage,
Which is[386] far a side heaven, by God:
There your labour and pardon is odd.
With small cost and without any pain,
These pardons bring[387] them to heaven plain;
Give me but a penny or two pence,
And as soon as the soul departeth hence,
In half-an-hour, or threequarters at the most,
The soul is in heaven with the Holy Ghost.

'POTHECARY. Send ye any souls to heaven by water?

PARDONER. If we do,[388] sir, what is the matter?

'POTHECARY. By God, I have a dry soul should thither;
I pray you let our souls go to heaven together,
So busy you twain be in soul's health;
May not a 'pothecary come in by stealth?
Yes, that I will,[389] by St Anthony,
And, by the leave of this company,
Prove ye false knaves both, ere[390] we go,
In part of your sayings, as this, lo!
Thou by thy travail thinkest heaven to get:
And thou by pardons and relics countest no let,[391]
To send thine own soul to heaven sure;
And all other whom thou list to procure.
If I took an action, then were they blank;
For like thieves the knaves[392] rob away my thank.
All souls in heaven having relief,
Shall they thank your crafts? nay, thank mine chief.
No soul, ye know, entereth heaven-gate,
Till from the body he be separate:
And whom have ye known die honestly,[393]
Without help of the 'pothecary?
Nay, all that cometh to our handling,
Except ye happen to come to hanging;
That way perchance ye shall not mister[394]
To go to heaven without a glister.
But be ye sure I would be woe,[395]
If[396] ye should chance to beguile me so.
As good to lie with me a-night,
As hang abroad in the moonlight.
There is no choice to flee my hand,
But, as I said, into the band.
Since of our souls the multitude
I send to heaven, when all is viewed,
Who should but I then altogether
Have thank of all their coming thither?

PARDONER. If ye killed a thousand in an hour's space,
When come they to heaven dying out of grace?[397]

'POTHECARY. If a thousand pardons about your necks were tied,
When come they to heaven, if they never died?

PALMER. Long life after good works indeed
Doth hinder man's receipt of mead;
And death before one duty done,
May make us think we die too soon.
Yet better tarry a thing than[398] have it;
Than go too soon, and vainly crave it.

PARDONER. The longer ye dwell in communication,
The less shall ye like this imagination.
For ye[399] may perceive, even at the first chop,
Your tale is trapped in such a stop.
That at the least ye seem worse than we.

'POTHECARY. By the mass, I hold us nought all three.

[_Enter Pedlar_.

PEDLAR. By our lady, then have I gone wrong;
And yet to be here I thought it long.

'POTHECARY. Ye have gone wrong no whit,
I praise your fortune and your wit,
That can direct you so discreetly
To plant you in this company.
Thou a Palmer, and thou a Pardoner,
I a 'Pothecary.

PEDLAR. And I a Pedlar.

'POTHECARY. Now, on my faith, well watched;
Where the devil were we four hatched?

PEDLAR. That maketh no matter, since we be matched,
I could be merry if that I had catched
Some money for part of the ware in my pack.

'POTHECARY. What the devil hast thou there at thy back?

PEDLAR. What! dost thou not know that every pedlar
In all kind of trifles[400] must be a meddler?
Specially in women's triflings;
Those use we chiefly[401] above all things,
Which things to see, if ye be disposed,
Behold what ware here is disclosed!
This gear showeth itself in such beauty,
That each man thinketh[402] it saith, _Come, buy me!_
Look where yourself can like to be chooser,
Yourself shall make price, though I be loser.
Is here[403] nothing for my father Palmer?
Have ye not a wanton in a corner,
For all your walking to holy places?
By Christ, I have heard of as strange cases.
Who liveth in love, and love would win,
Even at this pack he must begin.
Wherein[404] is right many a proper token,
Of which by name part shall be spoken:
Gloves, pins, combs, glasses unspotted,
Pomades, hooks, and laces knotted;[405]
Brooches, rings, and all manner of beads;
Laces,[406] round and flat, for women's heads;
Needles, thread, thimble, shears, and all such knacks,[407]
Where lovers be, no such things lacks:
Sipers[408], swathbands,[409] ribbons, and sleeve laces,
Girdles, knives, purses, and pincases.

'POTHECARY. Do women buy their pincases of you?

PEDLAR. Yea, that they do, I make God a vow.

'POTHECARY. So mot I thrive then for my part,
I beshrew thy knave's naked heart,
For making my wife's pincase so wide,
The pins fall out, they cannot abide:
Great pins she must have, one or other;
If she lose one, she will find another.
Wherein I find cause to complain:
New pins to her pleasure and to my pain!

PARDONER. Sir, ye seem well-seen in women's causes!
I pray you tell me what causeth this:
That women, after their arising,[410]
Be so long in their apparelling?

PEDLAR. Forsooth, women have many lets,
And they be masked in many nets:
As frontlets,[411] fillets, partlets,[412] and bracelets;
And then their bonnets and their poignets:[413]
By these lets and nets the let is such,
That speed is small when haste is much.

'POTHECARY. Another cause why they come not forward,
Which maketh them daily to draw backward;
And yet[414] is a thing they cannot forbear;
The trimming and pinning up their gear;
Specially their fiddling with the tail-pin;
And when they would have it pricked[415] in,
If it chance to double in the cloth,
Then be they[416] wood[417], and sweareth[418] an oath.
Till it stand right they will not forsake it,
Thus though it may not, yet would[419] they make it.
But be ye sure they do but defer it;
For when they would make it, oft times mar it.
But prick them and pin them as nice[420] as ye will,
And yet will they look for pinning still.
So that I durst hold with you a joint,
Ye shall never have them at a full[421] point.

PEDLAR. Let women's matters pass, and mark mine:
Whatever their points be, these points be fine.
Wherefore, if ye be willing to buy,
Lay down money, come, off[422] quickly.

PALMER. Nay, by my troth, we be like friars;
We are but beggars, we be no buyers.

PARDONER. Sir, ye may show your ware for your mind.
But I think ye shall no profit find.

PEDLAR. Well, though this journey acquit no cost,
Yet think I not my labour lost:
For, by the faith of my body,
I like full well this company.
Up shall this pack, for it is plain
I came not hither all for gain.
Who may not play one day in a week,
May think his thrift is far to seek.
Devise what pastime that ye think best,
And make ye sure to find me prest.[423]

'POTHECARY. Why, be ye so universal,
That ye can do whatsoever ye shall?

PEDLAR. Sir, if ye list for to oppose me,
What I can do, then shall you see.

'POTHECARY. Then tell me this: are you perfit in drinking?

PEDLAR. Perfit in drinking? as may be wished by thinking.

'POTHECARY. Then, after your drinking, how fall ye to winking?

PEDLAR. Sir, after drinking, while the shot[424] is tinking;
Some heads be swimming,[425] but mine will be sinking,
And upon drinking my eyes will be pinking:
For winking to drinking is alway linking.

'POTHECARY. Then drink and sleep you can well do;
But if ye were desired thereto,
I pray you tell me, can you sing?

PEDLAR. Sir, I have some sight in singing.

'POTHECARY. But is your breast[426] any thing sweet?

PEDLAR. Whatever my breast be, my voice is meet.

'POTHECARY. That answer showeth you a right singing man.
Now what is your will, good father, then?

PALMER. What helpeth will, where is no skill?

PARDONER. And what helpeth skill, where is no will[427]!

'POTHECARY. For will or skill, what helpeth it,
Where forward knave be lacking wit[428]?
Leave off this curiosity.
And who that list, sing after me. [_Here they sing_.

PEDLAR. This liketh me well, so mot I the.

PARDONER. So help me God, it liketh not me.
Where company is met and well agreed,
Good pastime doth right well indeed.
But who can sit in daliance,
Men sit in such a variance?
As we were set, ere[429] ye came in,
Which strife this man did first begin;
Alleging that such men as use
For love of God, and not[430] refuse
On foot to go from place to place
A pilgrimage, calling for grace,
Shall in that pain with penitence
Obtain discharge of conscience:
Comparing that life for the best
Induction to your endless rest.
Upon these words[431] our matter grew:
For if he could avow them true,
As good to be a gardener.
As for to be a pardoner.
But when I heard him so far wide,
I then approached and replied:
Saying this, that this[432] indulgence,
Having the foresaid penitence,
Dischargeth man of all offence
With much more profit than this pretence.
I ask but twopence at the most;
I-wis this is not very great cost,
And from[433] all pain without despair,
My soul for to keep[434] even in his chair,
And when he dieth, he may be sure
To come to heaven even at pleasure.
And more than heaven he cannot[435] get,
How far soever he list to jet.
Then is his pain more than his wit,
To walk[436] to heaven, since he may sit.
Sir, as we were in this contention,
In came this daw with his invention;
Reviling us, himself avaunting,
That all the souls to heaven ascending
Are most bound to the 'pothecary,
Because he helpeth most men to die,
Before which death he saith indeed,
No soul in heaven can have his mede.

PEDLAR. Why, do 'pothecaries kill men?

'POTHECARY. By God, men say so, now and then.

PEDLAR. And I thought ye would not have mit
To make them live as long as ye list.

'POTHECARY. As long as we list? nay, as long as they can.

PEDLAR. So might we live without you then.

'POTHECARY. Yea, but yet it is[437] necessary
For to have a 'pothecary:
For when ye feel your conscience ready,
I can send you to heaven[438] quickly.
Wherefore, concerning our matter here,
Above these twain I am best clear;
And if ye[439] list to take me so,
I am content: you and no mo
Shall be our judge as in this case,
Which of us three shall take the best place.

PEDLAR. I neither will judge thee best nor worst;
For be ye blest or be ye curst,
Ye know it is no whit my sleight
To be a judge in matters of weight.
It behoveth no pedlars nor proctors
To take on them judgment as doctors:
But if your minds be only set
To work for soul-health, ye be well met:
For each of you somewhat doth show,
That souls toward heaven by you do grow.
Then if ye can so well agree,
To continue together all three;
And all you three obey one will,
Then all your minds ye may fulfil.
As if ye came all to one man,
Who should go pilgrimage[440] more than he can?
In that ye, Palmer, as deputy,[441]
May clearly discharge him, parde;
And for all other sins once had contrition,
Your pardons giveth him full remission.
And then ye, Master 'Pothecary,
May send him to heaven by and by.

'POTHECARY. If he taste this box nigh about the prime,
By the mass, he is in heaven ere evensong time.
My craft is such, that I can right well
Send my friends to heaven and myself to hell.
But, sirs, mark this man, for he is wise,
Who[442] could devise such a device:
For if we three may be as one,
Then be we[443] lords everychone;
Between us all could not be mist
To save the souls of whom we list.
But for good order, at a word,
Twain of us must wait on the third.

'POTHECARY. And unto that I do agree,
For both you twain shall wait on me.[444]

PARDONER. What chance is this, that such an elf
Command two knaves beside himself?
Nay, nay, my friend, that will not be;
I am too good to wait on thee.

PALMER. By our lady, and I would be loth
To wait on the better of you both.

PEDLAR. Yet be ye sure for all this doubt,
This waiting must be brought about.
Men cannot prosper, wilfufly led;
All things decay,[445] where is no head.
Wherefore, doubtless, mark what I say,
To one of you three twain must obey.
And since ye cannot agree in voice,
Who shall be head, there is no choice
But to devise some manner thing,
Wherein ye all be like conning;
And in the same who can do best,
The other twain do make them prest,
In every thing of his intent,
Wholly[446] to be at commandment.
And now have I found one mastery,[447]
That ye can do indifferently;
And is nother selling nor buying,
But even on very lying.
And all ye three can lie as well,
As can the falsest devil in hell.
And though afore ye heard me grudge
In greater matters to be your judge,
Yet in lying I can some skill,[448]
And if I shall be judge, I will
And be you sure, without flattery,
Where my conscience findeth the mastery,
There shall my judgment straight be found,
Though I might win a thousand pound.

PALMER. Sir, for lying, though I can do it:
Yet am I both for to go to it.

PEDLAR. Ye have no[449] cause for fear, be bold,[450]
For ye may here[451] lie uncontrolled.
And ye in this have good advantage,
For lying is your common usage.
And you in lying be well sped,
For all your craft doth stand in falsehood.
Ye need not care who shall begin;
For each of you may hope to win.
Now speak all three even as ye find:
Be ye agreed to follow my mind?

PALMER. Yea, by my troth, I am content.

PARDONER. Now, in good faith, and I assent.

'POTHECARY. If I denied, I were a noddy;
For all is mine, by God's body,
[_Here the 'Pothecary hoppeth_.

PALMER. Here were a hopper to hop for the ring!
But, sir,[452] this gear goeth not by hopping.

'POTHECARY. Sir, in this hopping I will hop so well,
That my tongue shall hop better[453] than my heel:
Upon which hopping I hope, and not doubt it,
To hop[454] so, that ye shall hop[455] without it.[456]

PALMER. Sir, I will neither boast ne brawl.
But take such fortune as may fall:
And if ye win this mastery,
I will obey you quietly:
And sure I think that quietness
In any man is great riches
In any manner company,
To rule or be ruled[457] indifferently.

PARDONER. By that boast thou seemest a beggar indeed,
What can thy quietness help us at need?
If we should starve, thou hast not, I think,
One penny to buy us one pot of drink.
Nay, if riches might rule the roost,
Behold what cause I have to boast!
Lo, here be[458] pardons half a dozen,
For ghostly riches they have no cousin.
And moreover to me they bring
Sufficient succour for my living.
And here be[459] relics of such a kind,
As in this world no man can[460] find,
Kneel down all three, and when ye leave kissing,
Who list to offer shall have my blessing.
Friends, here shall ye see even anon
Of All-Hallows the blessed jaw-bone,[461]
Kiss it hardily with good devotion.

'POTHECARY. This kiss shall bring us much promotion.
Foh, by St Saviour, I never kissed a worse;
Ye were as good kiss All-Hallows' arse;
For, by All-Hallows, yet me-thinketh,
That All-Hallows' breath stinketh.

PALMER. Ye judge All-Hallows' breath unknown:
If any breath stink, it is your own.

'POTHECARY. I know mine own breath from All-Hallows,
Or else it were time to kiss the gallows.

PARDONER. Nay, sirs, behold, here may ye see
The great toe of the Trinity:
Who to this toe any money voweth,
And once may roll it in his mouth,
All his life after, I undertake,
He shall never be vexed with the toothache.[462]

'POTHECARY. I pray you turn that relic about:
Either[463] the Trinity had the gout,
Or else, because it is three toes in one,
God made it as much[464] as three toes alone.

PARDONER. Well, let that pass, and look upon this.
Here is a relic that doth not miss
To help the least as well as the most:
This is a buttock-bone of Pentecost.

'POTHECARY. By Christ, and yet for all your boast,
This relic hath beshitten the roast.

PARDONER. Mark well this relic: here is a whipper,
My friends[465] unfeigned: here[466] is a slipper
Of one of the Seven Sleepers, be sure.[467]
Doubtless this kiss shall do you great pleasure;
For all these two days it shall so ease you,
That none other savours shall displease you.

'POTHECARY. All these two days! nay, all these[468] two years;
For all the savours that may come here
Can be no worse; for at a word
One of the seven sleepers trod in a turd.

PEDLAR. Sir, me-thinketh your devotion is but small.

PARDONER. Small! marry me-thinketh he hath none at all.

'POTHECARY. What the devil care I what ye think?
Shall I praise relics, when they stink?

PARDONER. Here is an eye-tooth of the Great Turk.
Whose eyes be once set on this piece of work,
May happily lese part of his eyesight,
But not till he be blind outright.

'POTHECARY. Whatsoever any other man seeth,
I have no devotion unto[469] Turks' teeth:
For although I never saw a greater,
Yet me-thinketh I have seen many better.

PARDONER. Here is a box full of humble bees,
That stang Eve as she sat on her knees,
Tasting the fruit to her forbidden.
Who kisseth the bees within this hidden,
Shall have as much pardon of right,
As for any relic he kissed this night.

PALMER. Sir, I will kiss them with all my heart.

'POTHECARY. Kiss them again, and take my part,
For I am not worthy: nay, let be:
Those bees that stung Eve shall not sting me.

PARDONER. Good friends, I have yet here[470] in this glass,
Which on the drink at the wedding was
Of Adam and Eve undoubtedly.
If ye honour this relic devoutly,
Although ye thirst no whit the less,
Yet shall ye drink the more, doubtless:
After which drinking ye shall be as meet
To stand on your head as on your feet.

'POTHECARY. Yea, marry, now I can[471] you thank;[472]
In presence of this--the rest be blank.
Would God this relic had come rather:[473]
Kiss that relic well, good father.
Such is the pain that ye palmers take
To kiss the pardon-bowl for the drink sake.
O holy yeast, that looketh full sour and stale,
For God's body, help me to a cup of ale.
The more I behold[474] thee, the more I thirst:
The oftener I kiss thee, the more like to burst.
But since I kiss thee so devoutly,
Hire me,[475] and help me with drink, till I die.
What, so much praying and so little speed?

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