Various - "Scientific American Supplement, No. 344, August 5, 1882"

Wilhelm Hauff - "Mitteilungen aus den Memoiren des Satan V2"

Henry Fielding - "The History of Tom Jones, a foundling"

DAVID GRAHAM PHILLIPS - "The Deluge"

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The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8 by Richard F. Burton

R >> Richard F. Burton >> The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8




"By rights of you, this heart of mine could ne'er aby * Severance
from you albeit Union death imply!
Your phantom saith to me, 'A-morrow we shall meet!' * Shall I
despite the foe the morrow-day espy?
By rights of you I swear, my lords, that since the day * Of
severance ne'er the sweets of lips enjoyŠd I!
An Allah bade me perish for the love of you, * Mid greatest
martyrs for your love I lief will die.
Oft a gazelle doth make my heart her browsing stead * The while
her form of flesh like sleep eludes mine eye:
If in the lists of Law my bloodshed she deny, * Prove it two
witnesses those cheeks of ruddy dye."

When Nur al-Huda was assured that the little ones were indeed
Hasan's children and that her sister, the Princess Manar al-Sana,
was his wife, of whom he was come in quest, she was wroth against
her with wrath beyond measure.--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn
of day and ceased to say her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Sixteenth Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when Nur
al-Huda was certified that the little ones were Hasan's children
and that her sister Manar al-Sana was his wife of whom he had
come in quest, she raged with exceeding rage, too great to be
assuaged and screamed in Hasan's face and reviled him and kicked
him in the breast, so that he fell on his back in a swoon. Then
she cried out at him, saying, "Arise! fly for thy life. But that
I swore that no evil should betide thee from me, should thy tale
prove true, I would slay thee with mine own hand forthright!" And
she cried out at the old woman, who fell on her face for fear,
and said to her, "By Allah, but that I am loath to break the oath
that I swore, I would put both thee and him to death after the
foulest fashion!"; presently adding, "Arise, go out from before
me in safety and return to thine own country, for I swear by my
fortune, if ever mine eye espy thee or if any bring thee in to me
after this, I will smite off thy head and that of whoso bringeth
thee!" Then she cried out to her officers, saying, "Put him out
from before me!" So they thrust him out, and when he came to
himself, he recited these couplets,

"You're far, yet to my heart you're nearest near; * Absent yet
present in my sprite you appear:
By Allah, ne'er to other I've inclined * But tyranny of Time in
patience bear!
Nights pass while still I love you and they end, * And burns my
breast with flames of fell Sa'ir;[FN#153]
I was a youth who parting for an hour * Bore not, then what of
months that make a year?
Jealous am I of breeze-breath fanning thee; * Yea jealous-mad of
fair soft-sided fere!"

Then he once more fell down in a swoon, and when he came to
himself, he found himself without the palace whither they had
dragged him on his face; so he rose, stumbling over his skirts
and hardly crediting his escape from Nur al-Huda. Now this was
grievous to Shawahi; but she dared not remonstrate with the Queen
by reason of the violence of her wrath. And forthright Hasan
went forth, distracted and knowing not whence to come or whither
to go; the world, for all its wideness, was straitened upon him
and he found none to speak a kind word with him and comfort him,
nor any to whom he might resort for counsel or to apply for
refuge; wherefore he made sure of death for that he could not
journey to his own country and knew none to travel with him,
neither wist he the way thither nor might he pass through the
Wady of the Jann and the Land of Beasts and the Islands of Birds.
So giving himself up for lost he bewept himself, till he fainted,
and when he revived, he bethought him of his children and his
wife and of that might befal her with her sister, repenting him
of having come to those countries and of having hearkened to
none, and recited these couplets,

"Suffer mine eye-babes weep lost of love and tears express: *
Rare is my solace and increases my distress:
The cup of Severance-chances to the dregs I've drained; * Who is
the man to bear love-loss with manliness?
Ye spread the Carpet of Disgrace[FN#154] betwixt us twain; * Ah,
when shalt be uprolled, O Carpet of Disgrace?
I watched the while you slept; and if you deemed that I * Forgot
your love I but forget forgetfulness:
Woe's me! indeed my heart is pining for the love * Of you, the
only leaches who can cure my case:
See ye not what befel me from your fell disdain? * Debased am I
before the low and high no less.
I hid my love of you but longing laid it bare, * And burns my
heart wi' fire of passion's sorest stress:
Ah! deign have pity on my piteous case, for I * Have kept our
troth in secresy and patent place!
Would Heaven I wot shall Time e'er deign us twain rejoin! * You
are my heart's desire, my sprite's sole happiness:
My vitals bear the Severance-wound: would Heaven that you * With
tidings from your camp would deign my soul to bless!"

Then he went on, till he came without the city, where he found
the river, and walked along its bank, knowing not whither he
went. Such was Hasan's case; but as regards his wife Manar
al-Sana, as she was about to carry out her purpose and to set
out, on the second day after the departure of the old woman with
her children, behold, there came in to her one of the
chamberlains of the King her sire, and kissed ground between his
hands,--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying
her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Seventeenth Night,

She resumed, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Manar al-Sana was about to set out upon the journey, behold, a
chamberlain of the King, her sire, came in to her and kissing the
ground before her, said, "O Princess, the Supreme King, thy
father saluteth thee and biddeth thee to him." So she rose and
accompanied the chamberlain to learn what was required by her
father, who seated her by his side on the couch, and said to her,
"O my daughter, know that I have this night had a dream which
maketh me fear for thee and that long sorrow will betide thee
from this thy journey." Quoth she, "How so, O my father, and what
didst thou see in thy dream?" and quoth he, "I dreamt that I
entered a hidden hoard, wherein was great store of monies, of
jewels, of jacinths and of other riches; but 'twas as if naught
pleased me of all this treasure and jewelry save seven bezels,
which were the finest things there. I chose out one of the seven
jewels, for it was the smallest, finest and most lustrous of them
and its water pleased me; so I took it in my hand-palm and fared
forth of the treasury. When I came without the door, I opened my
hand, rejoicing, and turned over the jewel, when, behold, there
swooped down on me out of the welkin a strange bird from a far
land (for it was not of the birds of our country) and, snatching
it from my hand, returned with it whence it came.[FN#155]
Whereupon sorrow and concern and sore vexation overcame me and my
exceeding chagrin so troubled me that I awoke, mourning and
lamenting for the loss of the jewel. At once on awaking I
summoned the interpreters and expounders of dreams and declared
to them my dream,[FN#156] and they said to me: 'Thou hast seven
daughters, the youngest of whom thou wilt lose, and she will be
taken from thee perforce, without thy will.' Now thou, O my
girl, art the youngest and dearest of my daughters and the most
affectionate of them to me, and look'ye thou art about to journey
to thy sister, and I know not what may befal thee from her; so go
thou not; but return to thy palace." But when the Princess heard
her father's words, her heart fluttered and she feared for her
children and bent earthwards her head awhile: then she raised it
and said to her sire, "O King, Queen Nur al-Huda hath made ready
for me an entertainment and awaiteth my coming to her, hour by
hour. These four years she hath not seen me and if I delay to
visit her, she will be wroth with me. The utmost of my stay with
her shall be a month and then I will return to thee. Besides, who
is the mortal who can travel our land and make his way to the
Islands of Wak? Who can gain access to the White Country and the
Black Mountain and come to the Land of Camphor and the Castle of
Crystal, and how shall he traverse the Island of Birds and the
Wady of Wild Beasts and the Valley of the Jann and enter our
Islands? If any stranger came hither, he would be drowned in the
seas of destruction: so be of good cheer and eyes without a tear
anent my journey; for none may avail to tread our earth." And she
ceased not to persuade him, till he deigned give her leave to
depart.--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to
say her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Eighteenth Night,

She said, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that the
Princess ceased not to persuade him till he deigned give her
leave to depart, and bade a thousand horse escort her to the
river and abide there, till she entered her sister's city and
palace and returned to them, when they should take her and carry
her back to him. Moreover, he charged her tarry with her sister
but two days and return to him in haste; and she answered,
"Hearing and obedience." Then rising up she went forth and he
with her and farewelled her. Now his words had sunken deep into
her heart and she feared for her children; but it availeth not to
fortify herself by any device against the onset of Destiny. So
she set out and fared on diligently three days, till she came to
the river and pitched her tents on its bank. Then she crossed
the stream, with some of her counsellors, pages and suite and,
going up to the city and the palace, went in to Queen Nur
al-Huda, with whom she found her children who ran to her weeping
and crying out, "O our father!" At this, the tears railed from
her eyes and she wept; then she strained them to her bosom,
saying, "What! Have you seen your sire at this time? Would the
hour had never been, in which I left him! If I knew him to be in
the house of the world, I would carry you to him." Then she
bemoaned herself and her husband and her children weeping and
reciting these couplets,

"My friends, despight this distance and this cruelty, * I pine
for you, incline to you where'er you be.
My glance for ever turns toward your hearth and home * And mourns
my heart the bygone days you woned with me,
How many a night foregathered we withouten fear * One loving,
other faithful ever, fain and free!"

When her sister saw her fold her children to her bosom, saying,
"'Tis I who have done thus with myself and my children and have
ruined my own house!" she saluted her not, but said to her, "O
whore, whence haddest thou these children? Say, hast thou
married unbeknown to thy sire or hast thou committed
fornication?[FN#157] An thou have played the piece, it behoveth
thou be exemplarily punished; and if thou have married sans our
knowledge, why didst thou abandon thy husband and separate thy
sons from thy sire and bring them hither?"--And Shahrazad
perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Nineteenth Night,

She continued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that quoth
Nur al-Huda, the Queen, to her sister Manar al-Sana, the
Princess, "An thou have married sans our knowledge, why didst
thou abandon thy husband and separate thy sons from their sire
and bring them to our land? Thou hast hidden thy children from
us. Thinkest thou we know not of this? Allah Almighty, He who
is cognisant of the concealed, hath made known to us thy case and
revealed thy condition and bared thy nakedness." Then she bade
her guards seize her and pinion her elbows and shackle her with
shackles of iron. So they did as she commanded and she beat her
with a grievous beating, so that her skin was torn, and hanged
her up by the hair; after which she cast her in prison and wrote
the King her father a writ acquainting him with her case and
saying, "There hath appeared in our land a man, a mortal, by name
Hasan, and our sister Manar al-Sana avoucheth that she is
lawfully married to him and bare him two sons, whom she hath
hidden from us and thee; nor did she discover aught of herself
till there came to us this man and informed us that he wedded her
and she tarried with him a long while; after which she took her
children and departed, without his knowledge, bidding as she went
his mother tell her son, whenas longing began to rack to come to
her in the Islands of Wak. So we laid hands on the man and sent
the old woman Shawahi to fetch her and her offspring, enjoining
her to bring us the children in advance of her. And she did so,
whilst Manar al-Sana equipped herself and set out to visit me.
When the boys were brought to me and ere the mother came, I sent
for Hasan the mortal who claimeth her to wife, and he on entering
and at first sight knew them and they knew him; whereby was I
certified that the children were indeed his children and that she
was his wife and I learned that the man's story was true and he
was not to blame, but that the reproach and the infamy rested
with my sister. Now I feared the rending of our honour-veil
before the folk of our Isles; so when this wanton, this
traitress, came in to me, I was incensed against her and cast her
into prison and bastinado'd her grievously and hanged her up by
the hair. Behold, I have acquainted thee with her case and it is
thine to command, and whatso thou orderest us that we will do.
Thou knowest that in this affair is dishonour and disgrace to our
name and to thine, and haply the islanders will hear of it, and
we shall become amongst them a byword; wherefore it befitteth
thou return us an answer with all speed." Then she delivered the
letter to a courier and he carried it to the King, who, when he
read it, was wroth with exceeding wrath with his daughter Manar
al-Sana and wrote to Nur al-Huda, saying, "I commit her case to
thee and give thee command over her life; so, if the matter be as
thou sayest, kill her without consulting me." When the Queen had
received and read her father's letter, she sent for Manar al-Sana
and they set before her the prisoner drowned in her blood and
pinioned with her hair, shackled with heavy iron shackles and
clad in hair-cloth; and they made her stand in the presence
abject and abashed. When she saw herself in this condition of
passing humiliation and exceeding abjection, she called to mind
her former high estate and wept with sore weeping and recited
these two couplets,

"O Lord my foes are fain to slay me in despight * Nor deem I
anywise to find escape by flight:
I have recourse to Thee t' annul what they have done; * Thou art
th' asylum, Lord, of fearful suppliant wight."

Then wept she grievously, till she fell down in a swoon, and
presently coming to herself, repeated these two couplets,[FN#158]

"Troubles familiar with my heart are grown and I with them, *
Erst shunning; for the generous are sociable still.
Not one mere kind alone of woe doth lieger with me lie; * Praised
be God! There are with me thousands of kinds of ill."

And also these,

"Oft times Mischance shall straiten noble breast * With grief,
whence issue is for Him to shape:
But when the meshes straitest, tightest, seem * They loose,
though deemed I ne'er to find escape."

--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say her
permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Twentieth Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Queen Nur al-Huda ordered into the presence her sister Princess
Manar al-Sana, they set her between her hands and she, pinioned
as she was recited the verses aforesaid. Then the Queen[FN#159]
sent for a ladder of wood and made the eunuchs lay her on her
back, with her arms spread out and bind her with cords thereto;
after which she bared her head and wound her hair about the
ladder-rungs and indeed all pity for her was rooted out from her
heart. When Manar al-Sana saw herself in this state of abjection
and humiliation, she cried out and wept; but none succoured her.
Then said she to the Queen, "O my sister, how is thy heart
hardened against me? Hast thou no mercy on me nor pity on these
little children?" But her words only hardened her sister's heart
and she insulted her, saying, "O Wanton! O harlot! Allah have no
ruth on whoso sueth for thee! How should I have compassion on
thee, O traitress?" Replied Manar al-Sana who lay stretched on
the ladder, "I appeal from thee to the Lord of the Heavens,
concerning that wherewith thou revilest me and whereof I am
innocent! By Allah, I have done no whoredom, but am lawfully
married to him, and my Lord knoweth an I speak sooth or not!
Indeed, my heart is wroth with thee, by reason of thine excessive
hardheartedness against me! How canst thou cast at me the charge
of harlotry, without knowledge? But my Lord will deliver me from
thee and if that whoredom whereof thou accusest me be true, may
He presently punish me for it!" Quoth Nur al-Huda after a few
moments of reflection "How durst thou bespeak me thus?" and rose
and beat her till she fainted away;[FN#160] whereupon they
sprinkled water on her face till she revived; and in truth her
charms were wasted for excess of beating and the straitness of
her bonds and the sore insults she had suffered. Then she
recited these two couplets,

"If aught I've sinned in sinful way, * Or done ill deed and gone
astray,
The past repent I and I come * To you and for your pardon pray!"

When Nur al-Huda heard these lines, her wrath redoubled and she
said to her, "Wilt speak before me in verse, O whore, and seek to
excuse thyself for the mortal sins thou hast sinned? 'Twas my
desire that thou shouldst return to thy husband, that I might
witness thy wickedness and matchless brazenfacedness; for thou
gloriest in thy lewdness and wantonness and mortal heinousness."
Then she called for a palm-stick and, whenas they brought the
Jarid, she arose and baring arms to elbows, beat her sister from
head to foot; after which she called for a whip of plaited
thongs, wherewith if one smote an elephant, he would start off at
full speed, and came down therewith on her back and her stomach
and every part of her body, till she fainted. When the old woman
Shawahi saw this, she fled forth from the Queen's presence,
weeping and cursing her; but Nur al-Huda cried out to her
eunuchs, saying, "Fetch her to me!" So they ran after her and
seizing her, brought her back to the Queen, who bade throw her on
the ground and making them lay hold of her, rose and took the
whip, with which she beat her, till she swooned away, when she
said to her waiting-women, "Drag this ill-omened beldam forth on
her face and put her out." And they did as she bade them. So far
concerning them; but as regards Hasan, he walked on beside the
river, in the direction of the desert, distracted, troubled, and
despairing of life; and indeed he was dazed and knew not night
from day for stress of affliction. He ceased not faring on
thus, till he came to a tree whereto he saw a scroll hanging: so
he took it and found written thereon these couplets,

"When in thy mother's womb thou wast, * I cast thy case the
bestest best;
And turned her heart to thee, so she * FosterŠd thee on fondest
breast.
We will suffice thee in whate'er * Shall cause thee trouble or
unrest;
We'll aid thee in thine enterprise * So rise and bow to our
behest."

When he had ended reading this scroll, he made sure of
deliverance from trouble and of winning reunion with those he
loved. Then he walked forward a few steps and found himself
alone in a wild and perilous wold wherein there was none to
company with him; upon which his heart sank within him for horror
and loneliness and his side-muscles trembled, for that fearsome
place, and he recited these couplets,

"O Zephyr of Morn, an thou pass where the dear ones dwell, * Bear
greeting of lover who ever in love-longing wones!
And tell them I'm pledged to yearning and pawned to pine * And
the might of my passion all passion of lovers unthrones.
Their sympathies haply shall breathe in a Breeze like thee * And
quicken forthright this framework of rotting bones."[FN#161]

--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her
permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Twenty-first Night,

She resumed, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Hasan read the scroll he was certified of deliverance from his
trouble and made sure of winning reunion with those he loved.
Then he walked forward a couple of steps and stopped finding
himself alone in a wild and perilous wold wherein was none to
company with him, so he wept sore and recited the verses before
mentioned. Then he walked on a few steps farther beside the
river, till he came upon two little boys of the sons of the
sorcerers, before whom lay a rod of copper graven with talismans,
and beside it a skull-cap[FN#162] of leather, made of three gores
and wroughten in steel with names and characts. The cap and rod
were upon the ground and the boys were disputing and beating each
other, till the blood ran down between them; whilst each cried,
"None shall take the wand but I." So Hasan interposed and parted
them, saying, "What is the cause of your contention?" and they
replied, "O uncle, be thou judge of our case, for Allah the Most
High hath surely sent thee to do justice between us." Quoth
Hasan, "Tell me your case, and I will judge between you;" and
quoth one of them, "We twain are brothers-german and our sire was
a mighty magician, who dwelt in a cave on yonder mountain. He
died and left us this cap and rod; and my brother saith, 'None
shall have the rod but I,' whilst I say the like; so be thou
judge between us and deliver us each from other." Hasan asked,
"What is the difference between the rod and the cap and what is
their value? The rod appears to be worth six coppers[FN#163] and
the cap three;" whereto they answered, "Thou knowest not their
properties." "And what are their properties?" "Each of them hath
a wonderful secret virtue, wherefore the rod is worth the revenue
of all the Islands of Wak and their provinces and dependencies,
and the cap the like!" "By Allah, O my sons, discover to me their
secret virtues." So they said, "O uncle, they are extraordinary;
for our father wrought an hundred and thirty and five years at
their contrivance, till he brought them to perfection and
ingrafted them with secret attributes which might serve him
extraordinary services and engraved them after the likeness of
the revolving sphere, and by their aid he dissolved all spells;
and when he had made an end of their fashion, Death, which all
needs must suffer, overtook him. Now the hidden virtue of the
cap is, that whoso setteth it on his head is concealed from all
folks' eyes, nor can any see him, whilst it remaineth on his
head; and that of the rod is that whoso owneth it hath authority
over seven tribes of the Jinn, who all serve the order and
ordinance of the rod; and whenever he who possesseth it smiteth
therewith on the ground, their Kings come to do him homage, and
all the Jinn are at his service." Now when Hasan heard these
words, he bowed his head groundwards awhile, then said in
himself, "By Allah, I shall conquer every foe by means of this
rod and cap, Inshallah! and I am worthier of them both than these
two boys. So I will go about forthright to get them from the
twain by craft, that I may use them to free myself and my wife
and children from yonder tyrannical Queen, and then we will
depart from this dismal stead, whence there is no deliverance for
mortal man nor flight. Doubtless, Allah caused me not to fall in
with these two lads, but that I might get the rod and cap from
them." Then he raised his head and said to the two boys, "If ye
would have me decide the case, I will make trial of you and see
what each of you deserveth. He who overcometh his brother shall
have the rod and he who faileth shall have the cap." They
replied,"'O uncle, we depute thee to make trial of us and do thou
decide between us as thou deems fit." Hasan asked, "Will ye
hearken to me and have regard to my words?"; and they answered,
"Yes." Then said he, "I will take a stone and throw it and he who
outrunneth his brother thereto and picketh it up shall take the
rod, and the other who is outraced shall take the cap." And they
said, "We accept and consent to this thy proposal." Then Hasan
took a stone and threw it with his might, so that it disappeared
from sight. The two boys ran under and after it and when they
were at a distance, he donned the cap and hending the rod in
hand, removed from his place that he might prove the truth of
that which the boys had said, with regard to their scant
properties. The younger outran the elder and coming first to the
stone, took it and returned with it to the place where they had
left Hasan, but found no signs of him. So he called to his
brother, saying, "Where is the man who was to be umpire between
us?" Quoth the other, "I espy him not neither wot I whether he
hath flown up to heaven above or sunk into earth beneath." Then
they sought for him, but saw him not, though all the while he was
standing in his stead hard by them. So they abused each other,
saying, "Rod and Cap are both gone; they are neither mine nor
thine: and indeed our father warned us of this very thing; but we
forgot whatso he said." Then they retraced their steps and Hasan
also entered the city, wearing the cap and bearing the rod; and
none saw him. Now when he was thus certified of the truth of
their speech, he rejoiced with exceeding joy and making the
palace, went up into the lodging of Shawahi, who saw him not,
because of the cap. Then he walked up to a shelf[FN#164] over
her head upon which were vessels of glass and chinaware, and
shook it with his hand, so that what was thereon fell to the
ground. The old woman cried out and beat her face; then she rose
and restored the fallen things to their places,[FN#165] saying in
herself, "By Allah, methinks Queen Nur al-Huda hath sent a Satan
to torment me, and he hath tricked me this trick! I beg Allah
Almighty, deliver me from her and preserve me from her wrath,
for, O Lord, if she deal thus abominably with her half-sister,
beating and hanging her, dear as she is to her sire, how will she
do with a stranger like myself, against whom she is
incensed?"--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to
say her permitted say.

Scottish book of the year goes to Kieron Smith, Boy by James Kelman

The barrister Constance Briscoe has won the libel case brought against her by her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, over her bestselling misery memoir Ugly, in which she accused Briscoe-Mitchell of childhood cruelty and neglect.

Briscoe-Mitchell claimed the allegations were "a piece of fiction", and sued Briscoe and her publishers Hodder & Stoughton for libel.

A 10-day hearing at the high court in London concluded earlier today with a unanimous verdict from the jury after more than a day's deliberation. Speaking outside the court, Briscoe, a part-time judge, said she was "very happy" with the verdict.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me. Now I just want to get on with my career," she said. "I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial, but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors, it should never be swept under the carpet."

The hearing saw Briscoe tell Mr Justice Tugendhat and a jury how her mother beat her with a stick for wetting the bed, called her a "dirty little whore" and drove her to attempt suicide by drinking bleach.

Briscoe's account of her upbringing was published in 2006 and has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK.

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The royal family doesn't need a poet

The power of Jane Austen never ceases to amaze: the myriad film and TV adaptations, the biopics, the spin-off self-help books, the novels about Austen book clubs and Austen obsessives and even, next spring, the publication of a book about "how Jane Austen conquered the world" (Jane's Fame, by Clare Harman). And now comes the just-too-weird story that deceased fans of Jane Austen have been banned from having their ashes scattered in her garden. In a letter to the Jane Austen Society, Louise West, the collections manager of Jane Austen's House Museum, wrote: "While we understand many admirers of Jane Austen would love to have ashes laid here, it is something we do not allow. It is distressing for visitors to see mounds of human ash, particularly so for our gardener. Also, it is of no benefit to the garden!" (Or is it? Surely a small quantity of fresh ashes judiciously placed beneath a hydrangea bush is just the ticket?)

Anyway, leaving aside the Gardeners' Question Time minutiae, what on earth is going on here? I like an Austen novel as much as the next person – I probably reread my way through the complete works every couple of years – but I am baffled as to why one would want to be laid to rest among the flowerbeds of Chawton. The only explanation is the currently unstoppable power of the Austen cult, fuelled by Colin Firth in a wet blouse, by Andrew Davies's adaptations, and by Hollywood. I'm all for enjoying books, but the cult of Austen has reached ridiculous proportions. In a post-feminist world that should know better, she seems to be adored as the comforting provider of romantic, happy-endings nonsense instead of the sharp and acerbic social satirist she deserves to be seen as.

(Does anyone actually believe her, by the way, when she foretells a happy marriage for Darcey and Elizabeth? I fear a woman as interesting as Elizabeth would be sorely disappointed with this standard-issue British Repressed Public-school Man - hopeless emotionally, and probably hopeless in bed.)

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