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The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8 by Richard F. Burton

R >> Richard F. Burton >> The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8

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When it was the Eight Hundred and Twenty-second Night,

She said, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that the ancient
Lady of Calamities cried, "When Queen Nur al-Huda doeth such
misdeed to her sister, what will she do to a stranger like
myself, against whom she is incensed?" Then said she, "I conjure
thee, O devil, by the Most Compassionate, the Bountiful-great,
the High of Estate, of Dominion Elate who man and Jinn did
create, and by the writing upon the seal of Solomon David-son (on
both be the Peace!) speak to me and answer me;" Quoth Hasan, "I
am no devil; I am Hasan, the afflicted, the distraught." Then he
raised the cap from his head and appeared to the old woman, who
knew him and taking him apart, said to him, "What is come to thy
reason, that thou returnest hither? Go hide thee; for, if this
wicked woman have tormented thy wife with such torments, and she
her sister, what will she do, an she light on thee?" Then she
told him all that had befallen his spouse and that wherein she
was of travail and torment and tribulation, and straitly
described all the pains she endured adding, "And indeed the Queen
repenteth her of having let thee go and hath sent one after thee,
promising him an hundred-weight of gold and my rank in her
service; and she hath sworn that, if he bring thee back, she will
do thee and thy wife and children dead." And she shed tears and
discovered to Hasan what the Queen had done with herself, whereat
he wept and said, "O my lady, how shall I do to escape from this
land and deliver myself and my wife and children from this
tyrannical Queen and how devise to return with them in safety to
my own country?" Replied the old woman, "Woe to thee! Save
thyself." Quoth he, "There is no help but I deliver her and my
children from the Queen perforce and in her despite;" and quoth
Shawahi, "How canst thou forcibly rescue them from her? Go and
hide thyself, O my son, till Allah Almighty empower thee." Then
Hasan showed her the rod and the cap, whereat she rejoiced with
joy exceeding and cried, "Glory be to Him who quickeneth the
bones, though they be rotten! By Allah, O my son, thou and thy
wife were but of lost folk; now, however, thou art saved, thou
and thy wife and children! For I know the rod and I know its
maker, who was my Shaykh in the science of Gramarye. He was a
mighty magician and spent an hundred and thirty and five years
working at this rod and cap, till he brought them to perfection,
when Death the Inevitable overtook him. And I have heard him say
to his two boys, 'O my sons, these two things are not of your
lot, for there will come a stranger from a far country, who will
take them from you by force, and ye shall not know how he taketh
them.' Said they, 'O our father, tell us how he will avail to
take them.' But he answered, 'I wot not.' And O my son," added
she, "how availedst thou to take them?" So he told her how he had
taken them from the two boys, whereat she rejoiced and said, "O
my son, since thou hast gotten the whereby to free thy wife and
children, give ear to what I shall say to thee. For me there is
no woning with this wicked woman, after the foul fashion in which
she durst use me; so I am minded to depart from her to the caves
of the Magicians and there abide with them until I die. But do
thou, O my son, don the cap and hend the rod in hand and enter
the place where thy wife and children are. Unbind her bonds and
smite the earth with the rod saying, 'Be ye present, O servants
of these names!' whereupon the servants of the rod will appear;
and if there present himself one of the Chiefs of the Tribes,
command him whatso thou shalt wish and will." So he farewelled
her and went forth, donning the cap and hending the rod, and
entered the place where his wife was. He found her well-nigh
lifeless, bound to the ladder by her hair, tearful-eyed and
woeful-hearted, in the sorriest of plights, knowing no way to
deliver herself. Her children were playing under the ladder,
whilst she looked at them and wept for them and herself, because
of the barbarities and sore treatings and bitter penalties which
had befallen her; and he heard her repeat these couplets[FN#166],

"There remained not aught save a fluttering, breath and an eye
whose owner is confounded.
And a desirous lover whose bowels are burned with fire
notwithstanding which she is silent.
The exulting foe pitieth her at the sight of her. Alas for her
whom the exulting foe pitieth!"

When Hasan saw her in this state of torment and misery and
ignominy and infamy, he wept till he fainted; and when he
recovered he saw his children playing and their mother aswoon for
excess of pain; so he took the cap from his head and the children
saw him and cried out, "O our father!" Then he covered his head
again and the Princess came to herself, hearing their cry, but
saw only her children weeping and shrieking, "O our father!" When
she heard them name their sire and weep, her heart was broken and
her vitals rent asunder and she said to them, "What maketh you in
mind of your father at this time?" And she wept sore and cried
out, from a bursten liver and an aching bosom, "Where are ye and
where is your father?" Then she recalled the days of her union
with Hasan and what had befallen her since her desertion of him
and wept with sore weeping till her cheeks were seared and
furrowed and her face was drowned in a briny flood. Her tears
ran down and wetted the ground and she had not a hand loose to
wipe them from her cheeks, whilst the flies fed their fill on her
skin, and she found no helper but weeping and no solace but
improvising verses. Then she repeated these couplets,

"I call to mind the parting-day that rent our loves in twain,
When, as I turned away, the tears in very streams did rain.
The cameleer urged on his beasts with them, what while I found
Nor strength nor fortitude, nor did my heart with me remain.
Yea, back I turned, unknowing of the road nor might shake off The
trance of grief and longing love that numbed my heart and
brain;
And worst of all betided me, on my return, was one Who came to
me, in lowly guise, to glory in my pain.
Since the belovŠd's gone, O soul, forswear the sweet of life Nor
covet its continuance, for, wanting him, 'twere vain.
List, O my friend, unto the tale of love, and God forbid That I
should speak and that thy heart to hearken should not deign!
As 'twere El Asmai himself, of passion I discourse Fancies rare
and marvellous, linked in an endless chain."[FN#167]

--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her
permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Twenty-third Night,

She continued, When Hasan went in to his wife he saw his children
and heard her repeating the verses afore mentioned.[FN#168] Then
she turned right and left, seeking the cause of her children's
crying out, "O our father!" but saw no one and marvelled that her
sons should name their sire at that time and call upon him. But
when Hasan heard her verses, he wept till he swooned away and the
tears railed down his cheeks like rain. Then he drew near the
children and raised the cap from his head unseen of his wife,
whereupon they saw him and they knew him and cried out, saying,
"O our father!" Their mother fell a-weeping again, when she heard
them name their sire's name and said, "There is no avoiding the
doom which Almighty Allah hath decreed!" adding, "O Strange!
What garreth them think of their father at this time and call
upon him, albeit it is not of their wont?" Then she wept and
recited these couplets,

"The land of lamping moon is bare and drear; * O eyne of me pour
forth the brimming tear!
They marched: how shall I now be patient? * That I nor heart nor
patience own I swear!
O ye, who marched yet bide in heart of me, * Will you, O lords of
me, return to that we were?
What harm if they return and I enjoy * Meeting, and they had ruth
on tears of care?
Upon the parting-day they dimmed these eyne, * For sad surprise,
and lit the flames that flare.
Sore longed I for their stay, but Fortune stayed * Longings and
turned my hope to mere despair.
Return to us (O love!) by Allah, deign! * Enow of tears have
flowed for absence-bane."

Then Hasan could no longer contain himself, but took the cap from
his head; whereupon his wife saw him and recognising him screamed
a scream which startled all in the palace, and said to him, "How
camest thou hither? From the sky hast thou dropped or through
the earth hast thou come up?" And her eyes brimmed with tears and
Hasan also wept. Quoth she, "O man, this be no time for tears or
blame. Fate hath had its course and the sight was blinded and
the Pen hath run with what was ordained of Allah when Time was
begun: so, Allah upon thee, whencesoever thou comest, go hide,
lest any espy thee and tell my sister and she do thee and me
die!" Answered he, "O my lady and lady of all Queens, I have
adventured myself and come hither, and either I will die or I
will deliver thee from this strait and travel with thee and my
children to my country, despite the nose of this thy wickedest
sister." But as she heard his words she smiled and for awhile
fell to shaking her head and said, "Far, O my fife, far is it
from the power of any except Allah Almighty to deliver me from
this my strait! Save thyself by flight and wend thy ways and cast
not thyself into destruction; for she hath conquering hosts none
may withstand. Given that thou tookest me and wentest forth, how
canst thou make thy country and escape from these islands and the
perils of these awesome places? Verily, thou hast seen on thy
way hither, the wonders, the marvels, the dangers and the terrors
of the road, such as none may escape, not even one of the rebel
Jinns. Depart, therefore, forthright and add not cark to my cark
and care to my care, neither do thou pretend to rescue me from
this my plight; for who shall carry me to thy country through all
these vales and thirsty wolds and fatal steads?" Rejoined Hasan,
"By thy life, O light of mine eyes, I will not depart this place
nor fare but with thee!" Quoth she, "O man! How canst thou avail
unto this thing and what manner of man art thou? Thou knowest
not what thou sayest! None can escape from these realms, even
had he command over Jinns, Ifrits, magicians, chiefs of tribes
and Marids. Save thyself and leave me; perchance Allah will
bring about good after ill." Answered Hasan, "O lady of fair
ones, I came not save to deliver thee with this rod and with this
cap." And he told her what had befallen him with the two boys;
but, whilst he was speaking, behold, up came the Queen and heard
their speech. Now when he was ware of her, he donned the cap and
was hidden from sight, and she entered and said to the Princess,
"O wanton, who is he with whom thou wast talking?" Answered Manar
al-Sanar, "Who is with me that should talk with me, except these
children?" Then the Quee took the whip and beat her, whilst Hasan
stood by and looked on, nor did she leave beating her till she
fainted; whereupon she bade transport her to another place. So
they loosed her and carried her to another chamber whilst Hasan
followed unseen. There they cast her down, senseless, and stood
gazing upon her, till she revived and recited these
couplets,[FN#169]

"I have sorrowed on account of our disunion with a sorrow that
made the tears to overflow from my eyelids;
And I vowed that if Fortune reunite us, I would never again
mention our separation;
And I would say to the envious, Die ye with regret; By Allah I
have now attained my desire!
Joy hath overwhelmed me to such a degree that by its excess it
hath made me weep.
O eye, how hath weeping become thy habit? Thou weepest in joy as
well, as in sorrows."

When she ceased her verse the slave-girls went out from her and
Hasan took off the cap; whereupon his wife said to him, "See, O
man, all this befel me not save by reason of my having rebelled
against thee and transgressed thy commandment and gone forth
without thy leave.[FN#170] So, Allah upon thee blame me not for
my sins and know that women never wot a man's worth till they
have lost him. Indeed, I have offended and done evil; but I
crave pardon of Allah Almighty for whatso I did, and if He
reunite us, I will never again gainsay thee in aught, no,
never!"--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to
say her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Twenty-fourth Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that Hasan's
wife besought pardon of him saying, "Blame me not for my sin; and
indeed I crave mercy of Allah Almighty." Quoth Hasan (and indeed
his heart ached for her), "'Twas not thou that wast in fault;
nay, the fault was mine and mine only, for I fared forth and left
thee with one who knew not thy rank, neither thy worth nor thy
degree. But know, O beloved of my heart and fruit of my vitals
and light of mine eyes, that Allah (blessed be He!) hath ordained
to me power of releasing thee; so, say me, wouldst thou have me
carry thee to thy father's home, there to accomplish what Allah
decreeth unto thee, or wilt thou forthright depart with me to
mine own country, now that relief is come to thee?" Quoth she,
"Who can deliver me save the Lord of the Heavens? Go to thy
motherland and put away from thee false hope; for thou knowest
not the perils of these parts which, an thou obey me not, soon
shalt thou sight." And she improvised these couplets,

"On me and with me bides thy volunty; * Why then such anger such
despite to me?
Whate'er befel us Heaven forbid that love * Fade for long time or
e'er forgotten be!
Ceased not the spy to haunt our sides, till seen * Our love
estranged and then estranged was he:
In truth I trusted to fair thoughts of thine * Though spake the
wicked spy maliciously.
We'll keep the secret 'twixt us twain and bold * Although the
brand of blame unsheathed we see.
The livelong day in longing love I spend * Hoping acceptance-
message from my friend."

Then wept she and her children, and the handmaidens heard them:
so they came in to them and found them weeping, but saw not Hasan
with them; wherefore they wept for ruth of them and damned Queen
Nur al-Huda. Then Hasan took patience till night came on and her
guards had gone to their sleeping-places, when he arose and
girded his waist; then went up to her and, loosing her, kissed
her on the head and between the eyes and pressed her to his
bosom, saying, "How long have we wearied for our mother-land and
for reunion there! Is this our meeting in sleep, or on wake?"
Then he took up the elder boy and she took up the younger and
they went forth the palace; and Allah veiled them with the veil
of His protection, so that they came safe to the outer gate which
closed the entrance to the Queen's Serraglio. But finding it
locked from without, Hasan said, "There is no Majesty and there
is no Might save in Allah, the Glorious, the Great! Verily we
are Allah's and unto Him shall we return!" With this they
despaired of escape and Hasan beat hand upon hand, saying, "O
Dispeller of dolours! Indeed, I had bethought me of every thing
and considered its conclusion but this; and now, when it is
daybreak, they will take us, and what device have we in this
case?" And he recited the following two couplets,[FN#171]

"Thou madest fair thy thought of Fate, whenas the days were fair,
And fearedst not the unknown ills that they to thee might
bring.
The nights were fair and calm to thee; thou wast deceived by
them, For in the peace of night is born full many a
troublous thing."

Then Hasan wept and his wife wept for his weeping and for the
abasement she had suffered and the cruelties of Time and Fortune,

"Baulks me my Fate as tho' she were my foe; * Each day she
showeth me new cark and care:
Fate, when I aim at good, brings clear reverse, * And lets foul
morrow wait on day that's fair."

And also these,

"Irks me my Fate and clean unknows that I * Of my high worth her
shifts and shafts despise.
She nights parading what ill-will she works: * I night parading
Patience to her eyes."

Then his wife said to him, "By Allah, there is no relief for us
but to kill ourselves and be at rest from this great and weary
travail; else we shall suffer grievous torment on the morrow."
At this moment, behold, they heard a voice from without the door
say, "By Allah, O my lady Manar al-Sana, I will not open to thee
and thy husband Hasan, except ye obey me in whatso I shall say to
you!" When they heard these words they were silent for excess of
fright and would have returned whence they came; when lo! the
voice spake again saying, "What aileth you both to be silent and
answer me not?" Therewith they knew the speaker for the old
woman Shawahi, Lady of Calamities, and said to her, "Whatsoever
thou biddest us, that will we do; but first open the door to us;
this being no time for talk." Replied she, "By Allah, I will not
open to you until ye both swear to me that you will take me with
you and not leave me with yonder whore: so, whatever befalleth
you shall befal me and if ye escape, I shall escape, and if ye
perish, I shall perish: for yonder abominable woman,
tribade[FN#172] that she is! entreateth me with indignity and
still tormenteth me on your account; and thou, O my daughter,
knowest my worth." Now recognising her they trusted in her and
sware to her an oath such as contented her, whereupon she opened
the door to them and they fared forth and found her riding on a
Greek jar of red earthenware with a rope of palm-fibres about its
neck,[FN#173] which rolled under her and ran faster than a Najdi
colt, and she came up to them, and said, "Follow me and fear
naught, for I know forty modes of magic by the least of which I
could make this city a dashing sea, swollen with clashing
billows, and ensorcel each damsel therein to a fish, and all
before dawn. But I was not able to work aught of my mischief,
for fear of the King her father and of regard to her sisters, for
that they are formidable, by reason of their many guards and
tribesmen and servants. However, soon will I show you wonders of
my skill in witchcraft; and now let us on, relying upon the
blessing of Allah and His good aid." Now Hasan and his wife
rejoiced in this, making sure of escape, --And Shahrazad
perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Twenty-fifth Night,

She resumed, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Hasan and his wife, accompanied by the ancient dame Shawahi,
fared forth from the palace, they made sure of deliverance and
they walked on till they came without the city, when he fortified
his heart and, smiting the earth with the rod, cried, "Ho, ye
servants of these names, appear to me and acquaint me with your
conditions!" Thereupon the earth clave asunder and out came
ten[FN#174] Ifrits, with their feet in the bowels of the earth
and their heads in the clouds. They kissed the earth three times
before Hasan and said as with one voice, "Adsumus! Here are we
at thy service, O our lord and ruler over us! What dost thou bid
us do? For we hear and obey thy commandment. An thou wilt, we
will dry thee up seas and remove mountains from their places." So
Hasan rejoiced in their words and at their speedy answer to his
evocation then taking courage and bracing up his resolution, he
said to them, "Who are ye and what be your names and your races,
and to what tribes and clans and companies appertain ye?" They
kissed the earth once more and answered as with one voice,
saying, "We are seven Kings, each ruling over seven tribes of the
Jinn of all conditions, and Satans and Marids, flyers and divers,
dwellers in mountains and wastes and wolds and haunters of the
seas: so bid us do whatso thou wilt; for we are thy servants and
thy slaves, and whoso possesseth this rod hath dominion over an
our necks and we owe him obedience." Now when Hasan heard this,
he rejoiced with joy exceeding, as did his wife and the old
woman, and presently he said to the Kings of the Jinn, "I desire
of you that ye show me your tribes and hosts and guards." "O our
lord," answered they, "if we show thee our tribes, we fear for
thee and these who are with thee, for their name is legion and
they are various in form and fashion, figure and favour. Some of
us are heads sans bodies and others bodies sans heads, and others
again are in the likeness of wild beasts and ravening lions.
However, if this be thy will, there is no help but we first show
thee those of us who are like unto wild beasts. But, O our lord,
what wouldst thou of us at this present?" Quoth Hasan, "I would
have you carry me forthwith to the city of Baghdad, me and my
wife and this honest woman." But, hearing his words they hung
down their heads and were silent, whereupon Hasan asked them,
"Why do ye not reply?" And they answered as with one voice, "O
our lord and ruler over us, we are of the covenant of Solomon son
of David (on the twain be Peace!) and he sware us in that we
would bear none of the sons of Adam on our backs; since which
time we have borne no mortal on back or shoulder: but we will
straightway harness thee horses of the Jinn, that shall carry
thee and thy company to thy country." Hasan enquired, "How far
are we from Baghdad?" and they, "Seven years' journey for a
diligent horseman." Hasan marvelled at this and said to them,
"Then how came I hither in less than a year?"; and they said,
"Allah softened to thee the hearts of His pious servants else
hadst thou never come to this country nor hadst thou set eyes on
these regions; no, never! For the Shaykh Abd al-Kaddus, who
mounted thee on the elephant and the magical horse, traversed
with thee, in ten days, three years' journey for a well-girt
rider, and the Ifrit Dahnash, to whom the Shaykh committed thee,
carried thee a three years' march in a day and a night; all which
was of the blessing of Allah Almighty, for that the Shaykh Abu
al-Ruwaysh is of the seed of Asaf bin Barkhiy [FN#175] and
knoweth the Most Great name of Allah.[FN#176] Moreover, from
Baghdad to the palace of the damsels is a year's journey, and
this maketh up the seven years." When Hasan heard this, he
marvelled with exceeding marvel and cried, "Glory be to God,
Facilitator of the hard, Fortifier of the weak heart,
Approximator of the far and Humbler of every froward tyrant, Who
hath eased us of every accident and carried me to these countries
and subjected to me these creatures and reunited me with my wife
and children! I know not whether I am asleep or awake or if I be
sober or drunken!" Then he turned to the Jinn and asked, "When ye
have mounted me upon your steeds, in how many days will they
bring us to Baghdad?"; and they answered, "They will carry you
thither under the year, but not till after ye have endured
terrible perils and hardships and horrors and ye have traversed
thirsty Wadys and frightful wastes and horrible steads without
number; and we cannot promise thee safety, O our lord, from the
people of these islands,"--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of
day and ceased to say her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Twenty-sixth Night,

She said, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that the Jann
said to Hasan, "We cannot promise thee safety, O our lord, from
this Islandry, nor from the mischief of the Supreme King and his
enchanters and warlocks. It may be they will overcome us and
take you from us and we fall into affliction with them, and all
to whom the tidings shall come after this will say to us: 'Ye are
wrong-doers! How could ye go against the Supreme King and carry
a mortal out of his dominions, and eke the King's daughter with
him?' adding, 'Wert thou alone with us the thing were light; but
He who conveyed thee hither is capable to carry thee back to thy
country and reunite thee with thine own people forthright and in
readiest plight. So take heart and put thy trust in Allah and
fear not; for we are at thy service, to convey thee to thy
country." Hasan thanked them therefor and said, "Allah requite
you with good! but now make haste with the horses;" they replied,
"We hear and we obey," and struck the ground with their feet,
whereupon it opened and they disappeared within it and were
absent awhile, after which they suddenly reappeared with three
horses, saddled and bridled, and on each saddle-bow a pair of
saddle-bags, with a leathern bottle of water in one pocket and
the other full of provaunt. So Hasan mounted one steed and took
a child before him, whilst his wife mounted a second and took the
other child before her. Then the old woman alighted from the jar
and bestrode the third horse and they rode on, without ceasing,
all night. At break of day, they turned aside from the road and
made for the mountain, whilst their tongues ceased not to name
Allah. Then they fared on under the highland all that day, till
Hasan caught sight of a black object afar as it were a tall
column of smoke a-twisting skywards; so he recited somewhat of
the Koran and Holy Writ, and sought refuge with Allah from Satan
the Stoned. The black thing grew plainer as they drew near, and
when hard by it, they saw that it was an Ifrit, with a head like
a huge dome and tusks like grapnels and jaws like a lane and
nostrils like ewers and ears like leathern targes and mouth like
a cave and teeth like pillars of stone and hands like winnowing
forks and legs like masts: his head was in the cloud and his feet
in the bowels of the earth had plowed. Whenas Hasan gazed upon
him he bowed himself and kissed the ground before him, saying, "O
Hasan, have no fear of me; for I am the chief of the dwellers in
this land, which is the first of the Isles of Wak, and I am a
Moslem and an adorer of the One God. I have heard of you and
your coming and when I knew of your case, I desired to depart
from the land of the magicians to another land, void of
inhabitants and far from men and Jinn, that I might dwell there
alone and worship Allah till my fated end came upon me. So I
wish to accompany you and be your guide, till ye fare forth of
the Wak Islands; and I will not appear save at night; and do ye
hearten your hearts on my account; for I am a Moslem, even as ye
are Moslems." When Hasan heard the Ifrit's words, he rejoiced
with exceeding joy and made sure of deliverance; and he said to
him, "Allah requite thee weal! Go with us relying upon the
blessing of Allah!" So the Ifrit forewent them and they followed,
talking and making merry, for their hearts were pleased and their
breasts were eased and Hasan fell to telling his wife all that
had befallen him and all the hardships he had undergone, whilst
she excused herself to him and told him, in turn, all she had
seen and suffered. They ceased not faring all that night.--And
Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her
permitted say.

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Scottish book of the year goes to Kieron Smith, Boy by James Kelman

The barrister Constance Briscoe has won the libel case brought against her by her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, over her bestselling misery memoir Ugly, in which she accused Briscoe-Mitchell of childhood cruelty and neglect.

Briscoe-Mitchell claimed the allegations were "a piece of fiction", and sued Briscoe and her publishers Hodder & Stoughton for libel.

A 10-day hearing at the high court in London concluded earlier today with a unanimous verdict from the jury after more than a day's deliberation. Speaking outside the court, Briscoe, a part-time judge, said she was "very happy" with the verdict.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me. Now I just want to get on with my career," she said. "I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial, but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors, it should never be swept under the carpet."

The hearing saw Briscoe tell Mr Justice Tugendhat and a jury how her mother beat her with a stick for wetting the bed, called her a "dirty little whore" and drove her to attempt suicide by drinking bleach.

Briscoe's account of her upbringing was published in 2006 and has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK.

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Would you have your ashes scattered in Jane Austen's garden?
American film producer to publish version of the Bible in which God says it is better to be gay than straight

The royal family doesn't need a poet

The power of Jane Austen never ceases to amaze: the myriad film and TV adaptations, the biopics, the spin-off self-help books, the novels about Austen book clubs and Austen obsessives and even, next spring, the publication of a book about "how Jane Austen conquered the world" (Jane's Fame, by Clare Harman). And now comes the just-too-weird story that deceased fans of Jane Austen have been banned from having their ashes scattered in her garden. In a letter to the Jane Austen Society, Louise West, the collections manager of Jane Austen's House Museum, wrote: "While we understand many admirers of Jane Austen would love to have ashes laid here, it is something we do not allow. It is distressing for visitors to see mounds of human ash, particularly so for our gardener. Also, it is of no benefit to the garden!" (Or is it? Surely a small quantity of fresh ashes judiciously placed beneath a hydrangea bush is just the ticket?)

Anyway, leaving aside the Gardeners' Question Time minutiae, what on earth is going on here? I like an Austen novel as much as the next person – I probably reread my way through the complete works every couple of years – but I am baffled as to why one would want to be laid to rest among the flowerbeds of Chawton. The only explanation is the currently unstoppable power of the Austen cult, fuelled by Colin Firth in a wet blouse, by Andrew Davies's adaptations, and by Hollywood. I'm all for enjoying books, but the cult of Austen has reached ridiculous proportions. In a post-feminist world that should know better, she seems to be adored as the comforting provider of romantic, happy-endings nonsense instead of the sharp and acerbic social satirist she deserves to be seen as.

(Does anyone actually believe her, by the way, when she foretells a happy marriage for Darcey and Elizabeth? I fear a woman as interesting as Elizabeth would be sorely disappointed with this standard-issue British Repressed Public-school Man - hopeless emotionally, and probably hopeless in bed.)

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