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The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8 by Richard F. Burton

R >> Richard F. Burton >> The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8




When it was the Eight Hundred and Forty-first Night,

She continued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Sandal the Eunuch related to Ja'afar the Barmecide the tale of
Khalifah the Fisherman, ending with, "This is the whole story and
how he cometh to be standing here!" the Wazir, hearing this
account, smiled and said, "O Eunuch, how is it that this
Fisherman cometh in his hour of need and thou satisfiest him not?
Dost thou not know him, O Chief of the Eunuchs?" "No," answered
Sandal and Ja'afar said, "This is the Master of the Commander of
the Faithful, and his partner and our lord the Caliph has arisen
this morning, strait of breast, heavy of heart and troubled of
thought, nor is there aught will broaden his breast save this
fisherman. So let him not go, till I crave the Caliph's pleasure
concerning him and bring him before him; perchance Allah will
relieve him of his oppression and console him for the loss of Kut
al-Kulub, by means of the Fisherman's presence, and he will give
him wherewithal to better himself; and thou wilt be the cause of
this." Replied Sandal, "O my lord, do as thou wilt and may Allah
Almighty long continue thee a pillar of the dynasty of the
Commander of the Faithful, whose shadow Allah perpetuate [FN#238]
and prosper it, root and branch!" Then the Wazir Ja'afar rose up
and went in to the Caliph, and Sandal ordered the Mamelukes not
to leave the Fisherman; whereupon Khalifah cried, "How goodly is
thy bounty, O Tulip! The seeker is become the sought. I come to
seek my due, and they imprison me for debts in arrears!" [FN#239]
When Ja'afar came in to the presence of the Caliph, he found him
sitting with his head bowed earthwards, breast straitened and
mind melancholy, humming the verses of the poet,

"My blamers instant bid that I for her become consoled; * But I,
what can I do, whose heart declines to be controlled?
And how can I in patience bear the loss of lovely maid, * When
fails me patience for a love that holds with firmest hold!
Ne'er I'll forget her nor the bowl that 'twixt us both went round
* And wine of glances maddened me with drunkenness
ensoul'd."

Whenas Ja'afar stood in the presence, he said, "Peace be upon
thee, O Commander of the Faithful, Defender of the honour of the
Faith and descendant of the uncle of the Prince of the Apostles,
Allah assain him and save him and his family one and all!" The
Caliph raised his head and answered, "And on thee be peace and
the mercy of Allah and His blessings!" Quoth Ja'afar; "With
leave of the Prince of True Believers, his servant would speak
without restraint." Asked the Caliph, "And when was restraint
put upon thee in speech and thou the Prince of Wazirs? Say what
thou wilt." Answered Ja'afar, "When I went out, O my lord, from
before thee, intending for my house, I saw standing at the door
thy master and teacher and partner, Khalifah the Fisherman, who
was aggrieved at thee and complained of thee saying, 'Glory be to
God! I taught him to fish and he went away to fetch me a pair of
frails, but never came back: and this is not the way of a good
partner or of a good apprentice.' So, if thou hast a mind to
partnership, well and good; and if not, tell him, that he may
take to partner another." Now when the Caliph heard these words
he smiled and his straitness of breast was done away with and he
said, "My life on thee, is this the truth thou sayest, that the
Fisherman standeth at the door?" and Ja'afar replied, "By thy
life, O Commander of the Faithful, he standeth at the door."
Quoth the Caliph, "O Ja'afar, by Allah, I will assuredly do my
best to give him his due! If Allah at my hands send him misery,
he shall have it; and if prosperity he shall have it." Then he
took a piece of paper and cutting it in pieces, said to the
Wazir, "O Ja'afar, write down with thine own hand twenty sums of
money, from one dinar to a thousand, and the names of all kinds
of offices and dignitaries from the least appointment to the
Caliphate; also twenty kinds of punishment from the lightest
beating to death." [FN#240] "I hear and obey, O Commander of the
Faithful," answered Ja'afar, and did as he was bidden. Then said
the Caliph, "O Ja'afar, I swear by my holy forefathers and by my
kinship to Hamzah [FN#241] and Akil, [FN#242] that I mean to
summon the fisherman and bid him take one of these papers, whose
contents none knowesth save thou and I; and whatsoever is written
in the paper which he shall choose, I will give it to him; though
it be the Caliphate I will divest myself thereof and invest him
therewith and grudge it not to him; and, on the other hand, if
there be written therein hanging or mutilation or death, I will
execute it upon him. Now go and fetch him to me." When Ja'afar
heard this, he said to himself, "There is no Majesty and there is
no Might save in Allah, the Glorious, the Great! It may be
somewhat will fall to this poor wretch's lot that will bring
about his destruction, and I shall be the cause. But the Caliph
hath sworn; so nothing remains now but to bring him in, and
naught will happen save whatso Allah willeth." Accordingly he
went out to Khalifah the Fisherman and laid hold of his hand to
carry him in to the Caliph, whereupon his reason fled and he said
in himself, "What a stupid I was to come after yonder ill-omened
slave, Tulip, whereby he hath brought me in company with Bran-
belly!" Ja'afar fared on with him, with Mamelukes before and
behind, whilst he said, "Doth not arrest suffice, but these must
go behind and before me, to hinder my making off?" till they had
traversed seven vestibules, when the Wazir said to him, "Mark my
words, O Fisherman! Thou standest before the Commander of the
Faithful and Defender of the Faith!" Then he raised the great
curtain and Khalifah's eyes fell on the Caliph, who was seated on
his couch, with the Lords of the realm standing in attendance
upon him. As soon as he knew him, he went up to him and said,
"Well come, and welcome to thee, O piper! 'Twas not right of thee
to make thyself a Fisherman and go away, leaving me sitting to
guard the fish, and never to return! For, before I was aware,
there came up Mamelukes on beasts of all manner colours, and
snatched away the fish from me, I standing alone, and this was
all of thy fault; for, hadst thou returned with the frails
forthright, we had sold an hundred dinars' worth of fish. And
now I come to seek my due, and they have arrested me but thou,
who hath imprisoned thee also in this place?" The Caliph smiled
and raising a corner of the curtain, put forth his head and said
to the Fisherman, "Come hither and take thee one of these
papers." Quoth Khalifah the Fisherman, "Yesterday thou wast a
fisherman, and to-day thou hast become an astrologer; but the
more trades a man hath, the poorer he waxeth." Thereupon,
Ja'afar, said, "Take the paper at once, and do as the Commander
of the Faithful biddeth thee without prating." So he came
forward and put forth his hand saying, "Far be it from me that
this piper should ever again be my knave and fish with me!" Then
taking the paper he handed it to the Caliph, saying, "O piper,
what hath come out for me therein? Hide naught thereof."--And
Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say her
permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Forty-second Night,

She continued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Khalifah the Fisherman took up one of the papers and handed it to
the Caliph he said, "O piper, what have come out to me therein?
Hide naught thereof." So Al-Rashid received it and passed it on
to Ja'afar and said to him, "Read what is therein." He looked at
it and said, "There is no Majesty there is no Might save in
Allah, the Glorious, the Great!" Said the Caliph, "Good news,
[FN#243] O Ja'afar? What seest thou therein?" Answered the
Wazir, "O Commander of the Faithful, there came up from the
paper, 'Let the Fisherman receive an hundred blows with a
stick.'" So the Caliph commanded to beat the Fisherman and they
gave him an hundred sticks: after which he arose, saying, "Allah
damn this, O Bran-belly! Are jail and sticks part of the game?"
Then said Ja'afar, "O Commander of the Faithful, this poor devil
is come to the river, and how shall he go away thirsting? We
hope that among the alms-deeds of the Commander of the Faithful,
he may have leave to take another paper, so haply somewhat may
come out wherewithal he may succor his poverty." Said the Caliph,
"By Allah, O Ja'afar, if he take another paper and death be
written therein, I will assuredly kill him, and thou wilt be the
cause." Answered Ja'afar, "If he die he will be at rest." But
Khalifah the Fisherman said to him, "Allah ne'er gladden thee
with good news! Have I made Baghdad strait upon you, that ye
seek to slay me?" Quoth Ja'afar, "Take thee a paper and crave
the blessing of Allah Almighty!" So he put out his hand and
taking a paper, gave it to Ja'afar, who read it and was silent.
The Caliph asked, "Why art thou silent, O son of Yahya?"; and he
answered, "O Commander of the Faithful, there hath come out on
this paper, 'Naught shall be given to the Fisherman.'" Then said
the Caliph, "His daily bread will not come from us: bid him fare
forth from before our face." Quoth Ja'afar, "By the claims of
thy pious forefathers, let him take a third paper, it may be it
will bring him alimony;" and quoth the Caliph, "Let him take one
and no more." So he put out his hand and took a third paper, and
behold, therein was written, "Let the Fisherman be given one
dinar." Ja'afar cried to him, "I sought good fortune for thee,
but Allah willed not to thee aught save this dinar." And
Khalifah answered, "Verily, a dinar for every hundred sticks were
rare good luck, may Allah not send thy body health!" The Caliph
laughed at him and Ja'afar took him by the hand and led him out.
When he reached the door, Sandal the eunuch saw him and said to
him, "Hither, O Fisherman! Give us portion of that which the
Commander of the Faithful hath bestowed on thee, whilst jesting
with thee." Replied Khalifah, "By Allah, O Tulip, thou art
right! Wilt share with me, O nigger? Indeed I have eaten stick
to the tune of an hundred blows and have earned one dinar, and
thou art but too welcome to it." So saying, he threw him the
dinar and went out, with the tears flowing down the plain of his
cheeks. When the eunuch saw him in this plight, he knew that he
had spoken sooth and called to the lads to fetch him back: so
they brought him back and Sandal, putting his hand to his pouch,
pulled out a red purse, whence he emptied an hundred golden
dinars into the Fisherman's hand, saying, "Take this gold in
payment of thy fish and wend thy ways." So Khalifah, in high
good humor, took the hundred ducats and the Caliph's one dinar
and went his way, and forgot the beating. Now, as Allah willed
it for the furthering of that which He had decreed, he passed by
the mart of the hand-maidens and seeing there a mighty ring where
many folks were foregathering, said to himself, "What is this
crowd?" So he brake through the merchants and others, who said,
"Make wide for the Skipper Rapscallion, [FN#244] and let him
pass." Then he looked and behold, he saw a chest, with an eunuch
seated thereon and an old man standing by it, and the Shaykh was
crying, "O merchants, O men of money, who will hasten and hazard
his coin for this chest of unknown contents from the Palace of
the Lady Zubaydah bint al-Kasim, wife of the Commander of the
Faithful? How much shall I say for you, Allah bless you all!"
Quoth one of the merchants, "By Allah, this is a risk! But I
will say one word and no blame to me. Be it mine for twenty
dinars." Quoth another, "Fifty," and they went on bidding, one
against other, till the price reached an hundred ducats. Then
said the crier, "Will any of you bid more, O merchants?" And
Khalifah the Fisherman said, "Be it mine for an hundred ducats
and one dinar." The merchants, hearing these words, thought he
was jesting and laughed at him, saying, "O eunuch sell it to
Khalifah for an hundred ducats and one dinar!" Quoth the eunuch,
"By Allah, I will sell it to none but him! Take it, O Fisherman,
the Lord bless thee in it, and here with thy gold." So Khalifah
pulled out the ducats and gave them to the eunuch, who, the
bargain being duly made, delivered to him the chest and bestowed
the price in alms on the spot; after which he returned to the
Palace and acquainted the Lady Zubaydah with what he had done,
whereat she rejoiced. Meanwhile the Fisherman hove the chest on
shoulder, but could not carry it on this wise for the excess of
its weight; so he lifted it on to his head and thus bore it to
the quarter where he lived. Here he set it down and being weary,
sat awhile, bemusing what had befallen him and saying in himself,
"Would Heaven I knew what is in this chest!" Then he opened the
door of his lodging and haled the chest until he got it into his
closet; after which he strove to open it, but failed. Quoth he,
"What folly possessed me to buy this chest? There is no help for
it but to break it open and see what is herein." So he applied
himself to the lock, but could not open it, and said to himself,
"I will leave it till to-morrow." Then he would have stretched
him out to sleep, but could find no room; for the chest filled
the whole closet. So he got upon it and lay him down; but, when
he had lain awhile, behold, he felt something stir under him
whereat sleep forsook him and his reason fled.--And Shahrazad
perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Forty-third Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Khalifah the Fisherman lay down upon the chest and thus tarried
awhile, behold, something stirred beneath him; whereat he was
affrighted and his reason fled. So he arose and cried, "Meseems
there be Jinns in the chest. Praise to Allah who suffered me not
to open it! For, had I done so, they had risen against me in the
dark and slain me, and from them would have befallen me naught of
good." Then he lay down again when, lo! The chest moved a second
time, more than before; whereupon he sprang to his feet and said,
"There it goes again: but this is terrible!" And he hastened to
look for the lamp, but could not find it and had not the
wherewithal to buy another. So he went forth and cried out, "Ho,
people of the quarter!" Now the most part of the folk were
asleep; but they awoke at his crying and asked, "What aileth
thee, O Khalifah?" He answered, "Bring me a lamp, for the Jinn
are upon me." They laughed at him and gave him a lamp, wherewith
he returned to his closet. Then he smote the lock of the chest
with a stone and broke it and opening it, saw a damsel like a
Houri lying asleep within. Now she had been drugged with Bhang,
but at that moment she threw up the stuff and awoke; then she
opened her eyes and feeling herself confined and cramped, moved.
At this sight quoth Khalifah, "By Allah, O my lady, whence art
thou?"; and quoth she, "Bring me Jessamine, and Narcissus."
[FN#245] and Khalifah answered, "There is naught here but Henna-
flowers." [FN#246] thereupon she came to herself and considering
Khalifah, said to him, "What art thou?" presently adding, "And
where am I?" He said, "Thou art in my lodging." Asked she, "Am
I not in the Palace of the Caliph Harun al-Rashid?" And quoth
he, "What manner of thing is Al-Rashid? [FN#247] O madwoman,
Thou art naught but my slave-girl: I bought thee this very day
for an hundred dinars and one dinar, and brought thee home, and
thou wast asleep in this here chest." When she had heard these
words she said to him, "What is thy name?" Said he, "My name is
Khalifah. How comes my star to have grown propitious, when I
know my ascendant to have been otherwise?" She laughed and
cried, "Spare me this talk! Hast thou anything to eat?" Replied
he, "No, by Allah, nor yet to drink! I have not eaten these two
days, and am now in want of a morsel." She asked, "Hast thou no
money?"; and he said, "Allah keep this chest which hath beggared
me: I gave all I had for it and am become bankrupt." The damsel
laughed at him and said, "Up with thee and seek of thy neighbours
somewhat for me to eat, for I am hungry." So he went forth and
cried out, "Ho, people of the quarter!" Now the folk were
asleep; but they awoke and asked, "What aileth thee, O Khalifah?"
Answered he, O my neighbours, I am hungry and have nothing to
eat." So one came down to him with a bannock and another with
broken meats and third with a bittock of cheese and a fourth with
a cucumber; and so on till he lap was full and he returned to his
closet and laid the whole between her hands, saying, "Eat." But
she laughed at him, saying, "How can I eat of this, when I have
not a mug of water whereof to drink? I fear to choke with a
mouthful and die." Quoth he, "I will fill thee this
pitcher."[FN#248] so he took the pitcher and going forth, stood
in the midst of the street and cried out, saying, "Ho, people of
the quarter!" Quoth they, "What calamity is upon thee to-night,
[FN#249] O Khalifah!" And he said, "Ye gave me food and I ate;
but now I am a-thirst; so give me to drink." Thereupon one came
down to him with a mug and another with an ewer and a third with
a gugglet; and he filled his pitcher and, bearing it back, said
to the damsel, "O my lady, thou lackest nothing now." Answered
she, "True, I want nothing more at this present." Quoth he,
"Speak to me and say me thy story." And quoth she, "Fie upon
thee! An thou knowest me not, I will tell thee who I am. I am
Kut al-Kulub, the Caliph's handmaiden, and the Lady Zubaydah was
jealous of me; so she drugged me with Bhang and set me in this
chest," presently adding, "Alham-dolillah--praised be God--for
that the matter hath come to easy issue and no worse! But this
befel me not save for thy good luck, for thou wilt certainly get
of the Caliph Al-Rashid money galore, that will be the means of
thine enrichment." Quoth Khalifah, "I not Al-Rashid he in whose
Palace I was imprisoned?" "Yes," answered she; and he said, "By
Allah, never saw I more niggardly wight than he, that piper
little of good and wit! He gave me an hundred blows with a stick
yesterday and but one dinar, for all I taught him to fish and
made him my partner; but he played me false." Replied she,
"Leave this unseemly talk, and open thine eyes and look thou bear
thyself respectfully, whenas thou seest him after this, and thou
shalt win thy wish." When he heard her words, it was if he had
been asleep and awoke; and Allah removed the veil from his
judgment, because of his good luck, [FN#250] and he answered, "On
my head and eyes!" Then said he to her, "Sleep, in the name of
Allah." [FN#251] so she lay down and fell asleep (and he afar
from her) till the morning, when she sought of him inkcase
[FN#252] and paper and, when they were brought wrote to Ibn al-
Kirnas, the Caliph's friend, acquainting him with her case and
how at the end of all that had befallen her she was with Khalifah
the Fisherman, who had bought her. Then she gave him the scroll,
saying, "Take this and hie thee to the jewel-market and ask for
the shop of Ibn al-Kirnas the Jeweller and give him this paper
and speak not." "I hear and I obey," answered Khalifah and going
with the scroll to the market, enquired for the shop of Ibn al-
Kirnas. They directed him to thither and on entering it he
saluted the merchant, who returned his salim with contempt and
said to him, "What dost thou want?" Thereupon he gave him the
letter and he took it, but read it not, thinking the Fisherman a
beggar, who sought an alms of him, and said to one of his lads,
"Give him half a dirham." Quoth Khalifah, "I want to alms; read
the paper." So Ibn al-Kirnas took the letter and read it; and no
sooner knew its import than he kissed it and laying it on his
head--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say
her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Forty-fourth Night,

She resumed, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when Ibn
al-Kirnas read the letter and knew its import, he kissed it and
laid it on his head; then he arose and said to Khalifah, "O my
brother, where is thy house?" Asked Khalifah, "What wantest thou
with my house? Wilt thou go thither and steal my slave-girl?"
Then Ibn al-Kirnas answered, "No so: on the contrary, I will buy
thee somewhat whereof you may eat, thou and she." So he said,
"My house is in such a quarter;" and the merchant rejoined, "Thou
hast done well. May Allah not give thee health, O unlucky one!"
[FN#253] Then he called out to two of his slaves and said to
them, "Carry this man to the shop of Mohsin the Shroff and say to
him, 'O Mohsin, give this man a thousand dinars of gold;' then
bring him back to me in haste." So they carried him to the
money-changer, who paid him the money, and returned with him to
their master, whom they found mounted on a dapple she-mule worth
a thousand dinars, with Mamelukes and pages about him, and by his
side another mule like his own, saddled and bridled. Quoth the
jeweller to Khalifah, "Bismillah, mount this mule." Replied he,
"I won't; for by Allah, I fear she throw me;" and quoth Ibn al-
Kirnas, "By God, needs must thou mount." So he came up and
mounting her, face to crupper, caught hold of her tail and cried
out; whereupon she threw him on the ground and they laughed at
him; but he rose and said, "Did I not tell thee I would not mount
this great jenny-ass?" Thereupon Ibn al-Kirnas left him in the
market and repairing to the Caliph, told him of the damsel; after
which he returned and removed her to his own house. Meanwhile,
Khalifah went home to look after the handmaid and found the
people of the quarter foregathering and saying, "Verily, Khalifah
is to-day in a terrible pickle! [FN#254] Would we knew whence he
can have gotten this damsel?" Quoth one of them, "He is a mad
pimp; haply he found her lying on the road drunken, and carried
her to his own house, and his absence showeth his offence." As
they were talking, behold, up came Khalifah, and they said to
him, "What a plight is thine, O unhappy! Knowest thou not what is
come for thee?" He replied, "No, by Allah!" and they said, "But
just now there came Mamelukes and took away thy slave-girl whom
thou stolest, and sought for thee, but found thee not." Asked
Khalifah, "And how came they to take my slave-girl?"; and quoth
one, "Had he falled in their way, they had slain him." But he,
so far from heeding them, returned running to the shop of Ibn
al-Kirnas, whom he met riding, and said to him, "By Allah, 'twas
not right of thee to wheedle me and meanwhile send thy Mamelukes
to take my slave-girl!" Replied the jeweller, "O idiot, come
with me and hold thy tongue." So he took him and carried him
into a house handsomely builded, where he found the damsel seated
on a couch of gold, with ten slave-girls like moons round her.
Sighting her Ibn al-Kirnas kissed ground before her and she said,
"What hast thou done with my new master, who bought me with all
he owned?" He replied, "O my lady, I gave him a thousand gold
dinars;" and related to her Khalifah's history from first to
last, whereat she laughed and said, "Blame him not; for he is but
a common wight. These other thousand dinars are a gift from me
to him and Almighty Allah willing, he shall win of the Caliph
what shall enrich him." As they were talking, there came an
eunuch from the Commander of the Faithful, in quest of Kut al-
Kulub, for, when he knew that she was in the house of Ibn al-
Kirnas, he could not endure the severance, but bade bring her
forthwith. So she repaired to the Palace, taking Khalifah with
her, and going into the presence, kissed ground before the
Caliph, who rose to her, saluting and welcoming her, and asked
her how she had fared with him who had bought her. She replied,
"He is a man, Khalifah the Fisherman hight, and there he standeth
at the door. He telleth me that he hath an account to settle
with the Commander of the Faithful, by reason of a partnership
between him and the Caliph in fishing." Asked al-Rashid, "Is he
at the door?" and she answered, "Yes." So the Caliph sent for
him and he kissed ground before him and wished him endurance of
glory and prosperity. The Caliph marvelled at him and laughed at
him and said to him, "O Fisherman, wast thou in very deed my
partner [FN#255] yesterday?" Khalifah took his meaning and
heartening his heart and summoning spirit replied, "By Him who
bestowed upon thee the succession to thy cousin, [FN#256] I know
her not in anywise and have had no commerce with her save by way
of sight and speech!" Then he repeated to him all that had
befallen him, since he last saw him, [FN#257] whereat the Caliph
laughed and his breast broadened and he said to Khalifah, "Ask of
us what thou wilt, O thou to bringest to owners their own!" But
he was silent; so the Caliph ordered him fifty thousand dinars of
gold and a costly dress of honour such as great Sovrans don, and
a she-mule, and gave him black slaves of the Sudan to serve him,
so that he became as he were one of the Kings of that time. The
Caliph was rejoiced at the recovery of his favourite and knew
that all this was the doing of his cousin-wife, the Lady
Zubaydah,--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased
saying her permitted say.

Scottish book of the year goes to Kieron Smith, Boy by James Kelman

The barrister Constance Briscoe has won the libel case brought against her by her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, over her bestselling misery memoir Ugly, in which she accused Briscoe-Mitchell of childhood cruelty and neglect.

Briscoe-Mitchell claimed the allegations were "a piece of fiction", and sued Briscoe and her publishers Hodder & Stoughton for libel.

A 10-day hearing at the high court in London concluded earlier today with a unanimous verdict from the jury after more than a day's deliberation. Speaking outside the court, Briscoe, a part-time judge, said she was "very happy" with the verdict.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me. Now I just want to get on with my career," she said. "I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial, but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors, it should never be swept under the carpet."

The hearing saw Briscoe tell Mr Justice Tugendhat and a jury how her mother beat her with a stick for wetting the bed, called her a "dirty little whore" and drove her to attempt suicide by drinking bleach.

Briscoe's account of her upbringing was published in 2006 and has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK.

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Would you have your ashes scattered in Jane Austen's garden?
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The power of Jane Austen never ceases to amaze: the myriad film and TV adaptations, the biopics, the spin-off self-help books, the novels about Austen book clubs and Austen obsessives and even, next spring, the publication of a book about "how Jane Austen conquered the world" (Jane's Fame, by Clare Harman). And now comes the just-too-weird story that deceased fans of Jane Austen have been banned from having their ashes scattered in her garden. In a letter to the Jane Austen Society, Louise West, the collections manager of Jane Austen's House Museum, wrote: "While we understand many admirers of Jane Austen would love to have ashes laid here, it is something we do not allow. It is distressing for visitors to see mounds of human ash, particularly so for our gardener. Also, it is of no benefit to the garden!" (Or is it? Surely a small quantity of fresh ashes judiciously placed beneath a hydrangea bush is just the ticket?)

Anyway, leaving aside the Gardeners' Question Time minutiae, what on earth is going on here? I like an Austen novel as much as the next person – I probably reread my way through the complete works every couple of years – but I am baffled as to why one would want to be laid to rest among the flowerbeds of Chawton. The only explanation is the currently unstoppable power of the Austen cult, fuelled by Colin Firth in a wet blouse, by Andrew Davies's adaptations, and by Hollywood. I'm all for enjoying books, but the cult of Austen has reached ridiculous proportions. In a post-feminist world that should know better, she seems to be adored as the comforting provider of romantic, happy-endings nonsense instead of the sharp and acerbic social satirist she deserves to be seen as.

(Does anyone actually believe her, by the way, when she foretells a happy marriage for Darcey and Elizabeth? I fear a woman as interesting as Elizabeth would be sorely disappointed with this standard-issue British Repressed Public-school Man - hopeless emotionally, and probably hopeless in bed.)

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