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The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8 by Richard F. Burton

R >> Richard F. Burton >> The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8

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When it was the Seven Hundred and Eighty-first Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Hasan the goldsmith ate the bit of sweetmeat given to him by the
Ajami and fell fainting to the ground, the Persian rejoiced
exceedingly and cried, "This many a year have I sought thee and
now I have found thee!" Then he girt himself and pinioned
Hasan's arms and binding his feet to his hands laid him in a
chest, which he emptied to that end and locked it upon him.
Moreover, he cleared another chest and laying therein all Hasan's
valuables, together with the piece of the first gold-lump and the
second ingot which he had made locked it with a padlock. Then he
ran to the market and fetching a porter, took up the two chests
and made off with them to a place within sight of the city, where
he set them down on the sea-shore, hard by a vessel at anchor
there. Now this craft had been freighted and fitted out by the
Persian and her master was awaiting him; so, when the crew saw
him, they came to him and bore the two chests on board. Then the
Persian called out to the Rais or Captain, saying, "Up and let us
be off, for I have done my desire and won my wish." So the
skipper sang out to the sailors, saying, "Weigh anchor and set
sail!" And the ship put out to sea with a fair wind. So far
concerning the Persian; but as regards Hasan's mother, she
awaited him till supper-time but heard neither sound nor news of
him; so she went to the house and finding it thrown open, entered
and saw none therein and missed the two chests and their
valuables; wherefore she knew that her son was lost and that doom
had overtaken him; and she buffeted her face and rent her raiment
crying out and wailing and saying, "Alas, my son, ah! Alas, the
fruit of my vitals, ah!" And she recited these couplets,

"My patience fails me and grows anxiety; * And with your absence
growth of grief I see.
By Allah, Patience went what time ye went! * Loss of all Hope how
suffer patiently?
When lost my loved one how can' joy I sleep? * Who shall enjoy
such life of low degree?
Thou 'rt gone and, desolating house and home, * Hast fouled the
fount erst flowed from foulness free:
Thou wast my fame, my grace 'mid folk, my stay; * Mine aid wast
thou in all adversity!
Perish the day, when from mine eyes they bore * My friend, till
sight I thy return to me!"

And she ceased not to weep and wail till the dawn, when the
neighbours came in to her and asked her of her son, and she told
them what had befallen him with the Persian, assured that she
should never, never see him again. Then she went round about the
house, weeping, and wending she espied two lines written upon the
wall; so she sent for a scholar, who read them to her; and they
were these,

"Leyla's phantom came by night, when drowsiness had overcome me,
towards morning while my companions were sleeping in the
desert,
But when we awoke to behold the nightly phantom, I saw the air
vacant and the place of visitation was distant."[FN#23]

When Hasan's mother heard these lines, she shrieked and said,
"Yes, O my son! Indeed, the house is desolate and the
visitation-place is distant!" Then the neighbours took leave of
her and after they had prayed that she might be vouchsafed
patience and speedy reunion with her son, went away; but she
ceased not to weep all watches of the night and tides of the day
and she built amiddlemost the house a tomb whereon she let write
Hasan's name and the date of his loss, and thenceforward she
quitted it not, but made a habit of incessantly biding thereby
night and day. Such was her case; but touching her son Hasan and
the Ajami, this Persian was a Magian, who hated Moslems with
exceeding hatred and destroyed all who fell into his power. He
was a lewd and filthy villain, a hankerer after alchemy, an
astrologer and a hunter of hidden hoards, such an one as he of
whom quoth the poet,

"A dog, dog-fathered, by dog-grandsire bred; * No good in dog
from dog race issued:
E'en for a gnat no resting-place gives he * Who is composed of
seed by all men shed."[FN#24]

The name of this accursed was Bahr m the Guebre, and he was wont,
every year, to take a Moslem and cut his throat for his own
purposes. So, when he had carried out his plot against Hasan the
goldsmith, they sailed on from dawn till dark, when the ship made
fast to the shore for the night, and at sunrise, when they set
sail again, Bahram bade his black slaves and white servants bring
him the chest wherein were Hasan. They did so, and he opened it
and taking out the young man, made him sniff up vinegar and blew
a powder into his nostrils. Hasan sneezed and vomited the Bhang;
then, opening his eyes, he looked about him right and left and
found himself amiddleward the sea on aboard a ship in full sail,
and saw the Persian sitting by him; wherefore he knew that the
accursed Magian had put a cheat on him and that he had fallen
into the very peril against which his mother had warned him. So
he spake the saying which shall never shame the sayer, to wit,
"There is no Majesty and there is no Might save in Allah, the
Glorious, the Great! Verity, we are Allah's and unto Him we are
returning! O my God, be Thou gracious to me in Thine appointment
and give me patience to endure this Thine affliction, O Lord of
the three Worlds!" Then he turned to the Persian and bespoke him
softly, saying, "O my father, what fashion is this and where is
the covenant of bread and salt and the oath thou swarest to
me?"[FN#25] But Bahram stared at him and replied, "O dog,
knoweth the like of me bond of bread and salt? I have slain of
youths like thee a thousand, save one, and thou shalt make up the
thousand." And he cried out at him and Hasan was silent, knowing
that the Fate-shaft had shot him.--And Shahrazad perceived the
dawn of day and ceased to say her permitted say.

When it was the Seven Hundred and Eighty-second Night,

She resumed, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Hasan beheld himself fallen into the hands of the damned Persian
he bespoke him softly but gained naught thereby for the Ajami
cried out at him in wrath, so he was silent, knowing that the
Fate-shaft had shot him. Then the accursed bade loose his
pinion-bonds and they gave him a little water to drink, whilst
the Magian laughed and said, "By the virtue of the Fire and the
Light and the Shade and the Heat, methought not thou wouldst fall
into my nets! But the Fire empowered me over thee and helped me
to lay hold upon thee, that I might win my wish and return and
make thee a sacrifice, to her[FN#26] so she may accept of me."
Quoth Hasan, "Thou hast foully betrayed bread and salt";
whereupon the Magus raised his hand and dealt him such a buffet
that he fell and, biting the deck with his fore-teeth, swooned
away, whilst the tears trickled down his cheeks. Then the Guebre
bade his servants light him a fire and Hasan said, "What wilt
thou do with it?" Replied the Magian, "This is the Fire, lady of
light and sparkles bright! This it is I worship, and if thou
wilt worship her even as I, verily I will give thee half my
monies and marry thee to my maiden daughter." Thereupon Hasan
cried angrily at him, "Woe to thee! Thou art a miscreant Magian
who to Fire dost pray in lieu of the King of Omnipotent sway,
Creator of Night and Day; and this is naught but a calamity among
creeds!" At this the Magian was wroth and said to him, "Wilt thou
not then conform with me, O dog of the Arabs, and enter my
faith?" But Hasan consented not to this: so the accursed Guebre
arose and prostrating himself to the fire, bade his pages throw
him flat on his face. They did so, and he beat him with a hide
whip of plaited thongs[FN#27] till his flanks were laid open,
whilst he cried aloud for aid but none aided him, and besought
protection, but none protected him. Then he raised his eyes to
the All-powerful King and sought of Him succour in the name of
the Chosen Prophet. And indeed patience failed him; his tears
ran down his cheeks, like rain, and he repeated these couplets
twain,

"In patience, O my God, Thy doom forecast * I'll bear, an thereby
come Thy grace at last:
They've dealt us wrong, transgressed and ordered ill; * Haply Thy
Grace shall pardon what is past."

Then the Magian bade his negro-slaves raise him to a sitting
posture and bring him somewhat of meat and drink. So they sat
food before him; but he consented not to eat or drink; and Bahram
ceased not to torment him day and night during the whole voyage,
whilst Hasan took patience and humbled himself in supplication
before Almighty Allah to whom belong Honour and Glory; whereby
the Guebre's heart was hardened against him. They ceased not to
sail the sea three months, during which time Hasan was
continually tortured till Allah Almighty sent forth upon them a
foul wind and the sea grew black and rose against the ship, by
reason of the fierce gale; whereupon quoth the captain and
crew,[FN#28] "By Allah, this is all on account of yonder youth,
who hath been these three months in torture with this Magian.
Indeed, this is not allowed of God the Most High." Then they
rose against the Magian and slew his servants and all who were
with him; which when he saw, he made sure of death and feared for
himself. So he loosed Hasan from his bonds and pulling off the
ragged clothes the youth had on, clad him in others; and made
excuses to him and promised to teach him the craft and restore
him to his native land, saying, "O my son, return me not evil for
that I have done with thee." Quoth Hasan, "How can I ever rely
upon thee again?"; and quoth Bahram, "O my son, but for sin,
there were no pardon. Indeed, I did all these doings with thee,
but to try thy patience, and thou knowest that the case is
altogether in the hands of Allah." So the crew and captain
rejoiced in Hasan's release, and he called down blessings on them
and praised the Almighty and thanked Him. With this the wind was
stilled and the sky cleared and with a fair breeze they continued
their voyage. Then said Hasan to Bahram, "O Master,[FN#29]
whither wendest thou?" Replied the Magian, "O, my son, I am
bound for the Mountain of Clouds, where is the Elixir which we
use in alchemy." And the Guebre swore to him by the Fire and the
Light that he had no longer any cause to fear him. So Hasan's
heart was set at ease and rejoicing at the Persian's words, he
continued to eat and drink and sleep with the Magian, who clad
him in his own raiment. They ceased not sailing on other three
months, when the ship came to anchor off a long shoreline of many
coloured pebbles, white and yellow and sky-blue and black and
every other hue, and the Magian sprang up and said, "O Hasan,
come, let us go ashore for we have reached the place of our wish
and will." So Hasan rose and landed with Bahram, after the
Persian had commended his goods to the captain's care. They
walked on inland, till they were far enough from the ship to be
out of sight, when Bahram sat down and taking from his pocket a
kettle-drum[FN#30] of copper and a silken strap, worked in gold
with characts, beat the drum with the strap, until there arose a
cloud of dust from the further side of the waste. Hasan
marvelled at the Magian's doings and was afraid of him: he
repented of having come ashore with him and his colour changed.
But Bahram looked at him and said, "What aileth thee, O my son?
By the truth of the Fire and the Light, thou hast naught to fear
from me; and, were it not that my wish may never be won save by
thy means, I had not brought thee ashore. So rejoice in all
good; for yonder cloud of dust is the dust of somewhat we will
mount and which will aid us to cut across this wold and make easy
to us the hardships thereof."--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn
of day and ceased saying her permitted say.

When it was the Seven Hundred and Eighty-third Night,

She continued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that the
Persian said to Hasan, "In very sooth yonder dust-cloud is the
cloud of something we will mount and which will aid us to cut
across this wold and will make easy to us the hardships thereof."
Presently the dust lifted off three she-dromedaries, one of which
Bahram mounted and Hasan another. Then they loaded their victual
on the third and fared on seven days, till they came to a wide
champaign and, descending into its midst, they saw a dome vaulted
upon four pilasters of red gold; so they alighted and entering
thereunder, ate and drank and took their rest. Anon Hasan
chanced to glance aside and seeing from afar a something lofty
said to the Magian, "What is that, O nuncle?" Bahram replied,
"'Tis a palace," and quoth Hasan, "Wilt thou not go thither, that
we may enter and there repose ourselves and solace ourselves with
inspecting it?" But the Persian was wroth and said, "Name not to
me yonder palace; for therein dwelleth a foe, with whom there
befel me somewhat whereof this is no time to tell thee." Then he
beat the kettle-drum and up came the dromedaries, and they
mounted and fared on other seven days. On the eighth day, the
Magian said, "O Hasan, what seest thou?" Hasan replied, "I see
clouds and mists twixt east and west." Quoth Bahram, "That is
neither clouds nor mists, but a vast mountain and a lofty whereon
the clouds split,[FN#31] and there are no clouds above it, for
its exceeding height and surpassing elevation. Yon mount is my
goal and thereon is the need we seek. 'Tis for that I brought
thee hither, for my wish may not be won save at thy hands. Hasan
hearing this gave his life up for lost and said to the Magian,
"By the right of that thou worshippest and by the faith wherein
thou believest, I conjure thee to tell me what is the object
wherefor thou hast brought me!" Bahram replied, "The art of
alchemy may not be accomplished save by means of a herb which
groweth in the place where the clouds pass and whereon they
split. Such a site is yonder mountain upon whose head the herb
groweth and I purpose to send thee up thither to fetch it; and
when we have it, I will show thee the secret of this craft which
thou desirest to learn." Hasan answered, in his fear, "'Tis
well, O my master;" and indeed he despaired of life and wept for
his parting from his parent and people and patrial stead,
repenting him of having gainsaid his mother and reciting these
two couplets,

"Consider but thy Lord, His work shall bring * Comfort to thee,
with quick relief and near:
Despair not when thou sufferest sorest bane: * In bane how many
blessed boons appear!"

They ceased not faring on till they came to the foothills of that
mountain where they halted; and Hasan saw thereon a palace and
asked Bahram, "What be yonder palace?"; whereto he answered,
"'Tis the abode of the Jann and Ghuls and Satans." Then the
Magian alighted and making Hasan also dismount from his dromedary
kissed his head and said to him, "Bear me no ill will anent that
I did with thee, for I will keep guard over thee in thine ascent
to the palace; and I conjure thee not to trick and cheat me of
aught thou shalt bring therefrom; and I and thou will share
equally therein." And Hasan replied, "To hear is to obey." Then
Bahram opened a bag and taking out a handmill and a sufficiency
of wheat, ground the grain and kneaded three round cakes of the
flour; after which he lighted a fire and baked the bannocks.
Then he took out the copper kettledrum and beat it with the
broidered strap, whereupon up came the dromedaries. He chose out
one and said, "Hearken, O my son, O Hasan, to what I am about to
enjoin on thee;" and Hasan replied, "'Tis well." Bahram
continued, "Lie down on this skin and I will sew thee up therein
and lay thee on the ground; whereupon the Rakham birds[FN#32]
will come to thee and carry thee up to the mountain-top. Take
this knife with thee; and, when thou feelest that the birds have
done flying and have set thee down, slit open therewith the skin
and come forth. The vultures will then take fright at thee and
fly away; whereupon do thou look down from the mountain head and
speak to me, and I will tell thee what to do." So he sewed him
up in the skin, placing therein three cakes and a leathern bottle
full of water, and withdrew to a distance. Presently a vulture
pounced upon him and taking him up, flew away with him to the
mountain-top and there set him down. As soon as Hasan felt
himself on the ground, he slit the skin and coming forth, called
out to the Magian, who hearing his speech rejoiced and danced for
excess of joy, saying to him, "Look behind thee and tell me what
thou seest." Hasan looked and seeing many rotten bones and much
wood, told Bahram, who said to him, "This be what we need and
seek. Make six bundles of the wood and throw them down to me, for
this is wherewithal we do alchemy." So he threw him the six
bundles and when he had gotten them into his power he said to
Hasan, "O gallows bird, I have won my wish of thee; and now, if
thou wilt, thou mayst abide on this mountain, or cast thyself
down to the earth and perish. So saying, he left him[FN#33] and
went away, and Hasan exclaimed, "There is no Majesty and there is
no Might save in Allah, the Glorious, the Great! This hound hath
played the traitor with me." And he sat bemoaning himself and
reciting these couplets,

"When God upon a man possessed of reasoning, Hearing and sight
His will in aught to pass would bring,
He stops his ears and blinds his eyes and draws his wit, From
him, as one draws out the hairs to paste that cling;
Till, His decrees fulfilled, He gives him back His wit, That
therewithal he may receive admonishing.
So say thou not of aught that haps, 'How happened it?' For Fate
and fortune fixed do order everything.[FN#34]"

--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say her
permitted say.

When it was the Seven Hundred and Eighty-fourth Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when the
Magian sent Hasan to the mountain-top and made him throw down all
he required he presently reviled him and left him and wended his
ways and the youth exclaimed, "There is no Majesty and there is
no Might save in Allah, the Glorious, the Great! This damned
hound hath played the traitor." Then he rose to his feet and
looked right and left, after which he walked on along the
mountain top, in mind making certain of death. He fared on thus
till he came to the counterslope of the mountain, along which he
saw a dark-blue sea, dashing with billows clashing and yeasting
waves each as it were a lofty mount. So he sat down and repeated
what he might of the Koran and besought Allah the Most High to
ease him of his troubles, or by death or by deliverance from such
strait. Then he recited for himself the funeral-prayer[FN#35]
and cast himself down into the main; but, the waves bore him up
by Allah's grace, so that he reached the water unhurt, and the
angel in whose charge is the sea watched over him, so that the
billows bore him safe to land, by the decree of the Most High.
Thereupon he rejoiced and praised Almighty Allah and thanked Him;
after which he walked on in quest of something to eat, for stress
of hunger, and came presently to the place where he had halted
with the Magian, Bahram. Then he fared on awhile, till behold,
he caught sight of a great palace, rising high in air, and knew
it for that of which he had questioned the Persian and he had
replied, "Therein dwelleth a foe, of mine." Hasan said to
himself, "By Allah, needs must I enter yonder palace; perchance
relief awaiteth me there." So coming to it and finding the gate
open, he entered the vestibule, where he saw seated on a bench
two girls like twin moons with a chess-cloth before them and they
were at play. One of them raised her head to him and cried out
for joy saying, "By Allah, here is a son of Adam, and methinks
'tis he whom Bahram the Magian brought hither this year!" So
Hasan hearing her words cast himself at their feet and wept with
sore weeping and said, "Yes, O my ladies, by Allah, I am indeed
that unhappy." Then said the younger damsel to her elder sister,
"Bear witness against me,[FN#36] O my sister, that this is my
brother by covenant of Allah and that I will die for his death
and live for his life and joy for his joy and mourn for his
mourning." So saying, she rose and embraced him and kissed him
and presently taking him by the hand and her sister with her, led
him into the palace, where she did off his ragged clothes and
brought him a suit of King's raiment wherewith she arrayed him.
Moreover, she made ready all manner viands[FN#37] and set them
before him, and sat and ate with him, she and her sister. Then
said they to him, "Tell us thy tale with yonder dog, the wicked,
the wizard, from the time of thy falling into his hands to that
of thy freeing thee from him; and after we will tell thee all
that hath passed between us and him, so thou mayst be on thy
guard against him an thou see him again." Hearing these words and
finding himself thus kindly received, Hasan took heart of grace
and reason returned to him and he related to them all that had
befallen him with the Magian from first to last. Then they
asked, "Didst thou ask him of this palace?"; and he answered,
"Yes, but he said, 'Name it not to me; for it belongeth to Ghuls
and Satans.'" At this, the two damsels waxed wroth with exceeding
wrath and said, "Did that miscreant style us Ghuls and Satans?"
And Hasan answered, "Yes." Cried the younger sister, "By Allah, I
will assuredly do him die with the foulest death and make him to
lack the wind of the world!" Quoth Hasan, "And how wilt thou get
at him, to kill him, for he is a crafty magician?"; and quoth
she, "He is in a garden by name Al-Mushayyad,[FN#38] and there is
no help but that I slay him before long." Then said her sister,
"Sooth spake Hasan in everything he hath recounted to us of this
cur; but now tell him our tale, that all of it may abide in his
memory." So the younger said to him, "Know, O my brother, that
we are the daughters of a King of the mightiest Kings of the
Jann, having Marids for troops and guards and servants, and
Almighty Allah blessed him with seven daughters by one wife; but
of his folly such jealousy and stiff-neckedness and pride beyond
compare gat hold upon him that he would not give us in marriage
to any one and, summoning his Wazirs and Emirs, he said to them,
'Can ye tell me of any place untrodden by the tread of men and
Jinn and abounding in trees and fruits and rills?' And quoth
they, 'What wilt thou therewith, O King of the Age?' And quoth
he, 'I desire there to lodge my seven daughters.' Answered they,
'O King, the place for them is the Castle of the Mountain of
Clouds, built by an Ifrit of the rebellious Jinn, who revolted
from the covenant of our lord Solomon, on whom be the peace!
Since his destruction, none hath dwelt there, nor man nor Jinni,
for 'tis cut off[FN#39] and none may win to it. And the Castle
is girt about with trees and fruits and rills, and the water
running around it is sweeter than honey and colder than snow:
none who is afflicted with leprosy or elephantiasis[FN#40] or
what not else drinketh thereof but he is healed forthright.
Hearing this our father sent us hither, with an escort of his
troops and guards and provided us with all that we need here.
When he is minded to ride to us he beateth a kettle-drum,
whereupon all his hosts present themselves before him and he
chooseth whom he shall ride and dismisseth the rest; but, when he
desireth that we shall visit him, he commandeth his followers,
the enchanters, to fetch us and carry us to the presence; so he
may solace himself with our society and we accomplish our desire
of him; after which they again carry us back hither. Our five
other sisters are gone a-hunting in our desert, wherein are wild
beasts past compt or calculation and, it being our turn to do
this we two abode at home, to make ready for them food. Indeed,
we had besought Allah (extolled and exalted be He!) to vouchsafe
us a son of Adam to cheer us with his company and praised be He
who hath brought thee to us! So be of good cheer and keep thine
eyes cool and clear, for no harm shall befal thee." Hasan
rejoiced and said, "Alhamdolillah, laud to the Lord who guideth
us into the path of deliverance and inclineth hearts to us!" Then
his sister[FN#41] rose and taking him by the hand, led him into a
private chamber, where she brought out to him linen and furniture
that no mortal can avail unto. Presently, the other damsels
returned from hunting and birding and their sisters acquainted
them with Hasan's case; whereupon they rejoiced in him and going
into him in his chamber, saluted him with the salam and gave him
joy of his safety. Then he abode with them in all the solace of
life and its joyance, riding out with them to the chase and
taking his pleasure with them whilst they entreated him
courteously and cheered him with converse, till his sadness
ceased from him and he recovered health and strength and his body
waxed stout and fat, by dint of fair treatment and pleasant time
among the seven moons in that fair palace with its gardens and
flowers; for indeed he led the delightsomest of lives with the
damsels who delighted in him and he yet more in them. And they
used to give him drink of the honey-dew of their lips[FN#42]
these beauties with the high bosoms, adorned with grace and
loveliness, the perfection of brilliancy and in shape very
symmetry. Moreover the youngest Princess told her sisters how
Bahram the Magian had made them of the Ghuls and Demons and
Satans,[FN#43] and they sware that they would surely slay him.
Next year the accursed Guebre again made his appearance, having
with him a handsome young Moslem, as he were the moon, bound hand
and foot and tormented with grievous tortures, and alighted with
him below the palace-walls. Now Hasan was sitting under the trees
by the side of the stream; and when he espied Bahram, his heart
fluttered,[FN#44] his hue changed and he smote hand upon
hand.--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying
her permitted say.

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Scottish book of the year goes to Kieron Smith, Boy by James Kelman

The barrister Constance Briscoe has won the libel case brought against her by her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, over her bestselling misery memoir Ugly, in which she accused Briscoe-Mitchell of childhood cruelty and neglect.

Briscoe-Mitchell claimed the allegations were "a piece of fiction", and sued Briscoe and her publishers Hodder & Stoughton for libel.

A 10-day hearing at the high court in London concluded earlier today with a unanimous verdict from the jury after more than a day's deliberation. Speaking outside the court, Briscoe, a part-time judge, said she was "very happy" with the verdict.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me. Now I just want to get on with my career," she said. "I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial, but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors, it should never be swept under the carpet."

The hearing saw Briscoe tell Mr Justice Tugendhat and a jury how her mother beat her with a stick for wetting the bed, called her a "dirty little whore" and drove her to attempt suicide by drinking bleach.

Briscoe's account of her upbringing was published in 2006 and has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK.

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American film producer to publish version of the Bible in which God says it is better to be gay than straight

The royal family doesn't need a poet

The power of Jane Austen never ceases to amaze: the myriad film and TV adaptations, the biopics, the spin-off self-help books, the novels about Austen book clubs and Austen obsessives and even, next spring, the publication of a book about "how Jane Austen conquered the world" (Jane's Fame, by Clare Harman). And now comes the just-too-weird story that deceased fans of Jane Austen have been banned from having their ashes scattered in her garden. In a letter to the Jane Austen Society, Louise West, the collections manager of Jane Austen's House Museum, wrote: "While we understand many admirers of Jane Austen would love to have ashes laid here, it is something we do not allow. It is distressing for visitors to see mounds of human ash, particularly so for our gardener. Also, it is of no benefit to the garden!" (Or is it? Surely a small quantity of fresh ashes judiciously placed beneath a hydrangea bush is just the ticket?)

Anyway, leaving aside the Gardeners' Question Time minutiae, what on earth is going on here? I like an Austen novel as much as the next person – I probably reread my way through the complete works every couple of years – but I am baffled as to why one would want to be laid to rest among the flowerbeds of Chawton. The only explanation is the currently unstoppable power of the Austen cult, fuelled by Colin Firth in a wet blouse, by Andrew Davies's adaptations, and by Hollywood. I'm all for enjoying books, but the cult of Austen has reached ridiculous proportions. In a post-feminist world that should know better, she seems to be adored as the comforting provider of romantic, happy-endings nonsense instead of the sharp and acerbic social satirist she deserves to be seen as.

(Does anyone actually believe her, by the way, when she foretells a happy marriage for Darcey and Elizabeth? I fear a woman as interesting as Elizabeth would be sorely disappointed with this standard-issue British Repressed Public-school Man - hopeless emotionally, and probably hopeless in bed.)

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