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The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8 by Richard F. Burton

R >> Richard F. Burton >> The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8




When he had made an end of this verse, he wept and groaned and
lamented till he fell down a-swoon, whereupon Hubub made haste to
drag him to the grave and throw him in, whilst he was insensible
yet quick withal. Then she stopped up the grave on him and
returning to her mistress acquainted her with what had passed,
whereat she rejoiced with exceeding joy and recited these two
couplets,

"The world sware that for ever 'twould gar me grieve: *Tis false,
O world, so thine oath retrieve[FN#375]!
The blamer is dead and my love's in my arms: * Rise to herald of
joys and tuck high thy sleeve[FN#376]!"

Then she and Masrur abode each with other in eating and drinking
and sport and pleasure and good cheer, till there came to them
the Destroyer of delights and Sunderer of societies and Slayer of
sons and daughters. And I have also heard tell the following tale
of





ALI NUR AL-DIN AND MIRIAM THE
GIRDLE-GIRL[FN#377]



There was once in days of yore and in ages and times long gone
before in the parts of Cairo, a merchant named Taj al-Din who was
of the most considerable of the merchants and of the chiefs of
the freeborn. But he was given to travelling everywhere and loved
to fare over wild and wold, waterless lowland and stony waste,
and to journey to the isles of the seas, in quest of dirhams and
dinars: wherefore he had in his time encountered dangers and
suffered duresse of the way such as would grizzle little children
and turn their black hair grey. He was possessed of black slaves
and Mamelukes, eunuchs and concubines, and was the wealthiest of
the merchants of his time and the goodliest of them in speech,
owning horses and mules and Bactrian camels and dromedaries;
sacks great and small of size; goods and merchandise and stuffs
such as muslins of Hums, silks and brocades of Ba'allak, cotton
of Mery, stuffs of India, gauzes of Baghdad, burnouses of
Moorland and Turkish white slaves and Abyssinian castratos and
Grecian girls and Egyptian boys; and the coverings of his bales
were silk with gold purfled fair, for he was wealthy beyond
compare. Furthermore he was rare of comeliness, accomplished in
goodliness, and gracious in his kindliness, even as one of his
describers doth thus express,

"A merchant I spied whose lovers * Were fighting in furious
guise:
Quoth he, 'Why this turmoil of people?' * Quoth I, 'Trader, for
those fine eyes!'"

And saith another in his praise and saith well enough to
accomplish the wish of him,

"Came a merchant to pay us a visit * Whose glance did my heart
surprise:
Quoth he, 'What surprised thee so?' * Quoth I, 'Trader, 'twas
those fine eyes.'"

Now that merchant had a son called Ali Nur al-Din, as he were the
full moon whenas it meeteth the sight on its fourteenth night, a
marvel of beauty and loveliness, a model of form and symmetrical
grace, who was sitting one day as was his wont, in his father's
shop, selling and buying, giving and taking, when the sons of the
merchants girt him around and he was amongst them as moon among
stars, with brow flower-white and cheeks of rosy light in down
the tenderest dight, and body like alabaster-bright even as saith
of him the poet,

"'Describe me!' a fair one said. * Said I, 'Thou art Beauty's
queen.'
And, speaking briefest speech, * 'All charms in thee are seen.'"

And as saith of him one of his describers,

"His mole upon plain of cheek is like * Ambergris-crumb on marble
plate,
And his glances likest the sword proclaim * To all Love's rebels
'The Lord is Great!'"[FN#378]

The young merchants invited him saying, "O my lord Nur al-Din, we
wish thee to go this day a-pleasuring with us in such a garden."
And he answered, "Wait till I consult my parent, for I cannot go
without his consent." As they were talking, behold, up came Taj
al-Din, and his son looked at him and said, "O father mine, the
sons of the merchants have invited me to wend a-pleasuring with
them in such a garden. Dost thou grant me leave to go?" His
father replied, "Yes, O my son, fare with them;" and gave him
somewhat of money. So the young men mounted their mules and asses
and Nur al-Din mounted a she-mule and rode with them to a garden,
wherein was all that sould desireth and that eye charmeth. It was
high of walls which from broad base were seen to rise; and it had
a gateway vault-wise with a portico like a saloon and a door
azure as the skies, as it were one of the gates of Paradise: the
name of the door-keeper was Rizwan,[FN#379] and over the gate
were trained an hundred trellises which grapes overran; and these
were of various dyes, the red like coralline, the black like the
snouts of Sudan[FN#380]-men and the white like egg of the
pigeon-hen. And in it peach and pomegranate were shown and pear,
apricot and pomegranate were grown and fruits with and without
stone hanging in clusters or alone,--And Shahrazad perceived the
dawn of day and ceased to say her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Sixty-fourth Night,

She continued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
the sons of the merchants entered the vergier, they found therein
all that soul desireth or eye charmeth, grapes of many hues
grown, hanging in bunches or alone, even as saith of them the
poet,

"Grapes tasting with the taste of wine * Whose coats like
blackest Raven's shine:
Their sheen, amid the leafage shows, * Like women's fingers
henna'd fine."

And as saith another on the same theme,

"Grape-bunches likest as they sway * A-stalk, my body frail and
snell:
Honey and water thus in jar, * When sourness past, make
Hydromel."

Then they entered the arbour of the garden and say there Rizwan
the gate-keeper sitting, as he were Rizwan the Paradise-guardian,
and on the door were written these lines,

"Garth Heaven-watered wherein clusters waved * On boughs which
full of sap to bend were fain:
And, when the branches danced on Zephyr's palm, * The Pleiads
shower'd as gifts[FN#381] fresh pearls for rain."

And within the arbour were written these two couplets,

"Come with us, friend, and enter thou * This garth that cleanses
rust of grief:
Over their skits the Zephyrs trip[FN#382] * And flowers in sleeve
to laugh are lief."[FN#383]

So they entered and found all manner fruits in view and birds of
every kind and hue, such as ringdove, nightingale and curlew; and
the turtle and the cushat sang their love lays on the sprays.
Therein were rills that ran with limpid wave and flowers suave;
and bloom for whose perfume we crave and it was even as saith of
it the poet in these two couplets,

"The Zephyr breatheth o'er its branches, like * Fair girls that
trip as in fair skirts they pace:
Its rills resemble swords in hands of knights * Drawn from the
scabbard and containing-case."[FN#384]

And again as singeth the songster,

"The streamlet swings by branchy wood and aye * Joys in its
breast those beauties to display;
And Zephyr noting this, for jealousy * Hastens and bends the
branches other way."

On the trees of the garden were all manner fruits, each in two
sorts, amongst them the pomegranate, as it were a ball of
silver-dross,[FN#385] whereof saith the poet and saith right
well,

"Granados of finest skin, like the breasts * Of maid
firm-standing in sight of male;
When I strip the skin, they at once display * The rubies
compelling all sense to quail."

And even as quoth another bard,

"Close prest appear to him who views th' inside * Red rubies in
brocaded skirts bedight:
Granado I compare with marble dome * Or virgin's breasts
delighting every sight:
Therein is cure for every ill as e'en * Left an Hadis the Prophet
pure of sprite;
And Allah (glorify His name) eke deigned * A noble say in Holy
Book indite.[FN#386]

The apples were the sugared and the musky and the Damani, amazing
the beholder, whereof saith Hassan the poet,

"Apple which joins hues twain, and brings to mind * The cheek of
lover and beloved combined:
Two wondrous opposites on branch they show * This dark[FN#387]
and that with hue incarnadined
The twain embraced when spied the spy and turned * This red, that
yellow for the shame designed."[FN#388]

There also were apricots of various kinds, almond and camphor and
Jilani and 'Antabi,[FN#389] wereof saith the poet,

"And Almond-apricot suggesting swain * Whose lover's visit all
his wits hath ta'en.
Enough of love-sick lovers' plight it shows * Of face deep yellow
and heart torn in twain."[FN#390]

And saith another and saith well,

"Look at that Apricot whose bloom contains * Gardens with
brightness gladding all men's eyne:
Like stars the blossoms sparkle when the boughs * Are clad in
foliage dight with sheen and shine."

There likewise were plums and cherries and grapes, that the sick
of all diseases assain and do away giddiness and yellow choler
from the brain; and figs the branches between, varicoloured red
and green, amazing sight and sense, even as saith the poet,

"'Tis as the Figs with clear white skins outthrown * By foliaged
trees, athwart whose green they peep,
Were sons of Roum that guard the palace-roof * When shades close
in and night-long ward they keep."[FN#391]

And saith another and saith well,

"Welcome[FN#392] the Fig! To us it comes * Ordered in handsome
plates they bring:
Likest a Surfah[FN#393]-cloth we draw * To shape of bag without a
ring."

And how well saith a third,

"Give me the Fig sweet-flavoured, beauty-clad, * Whose inner
beauties rival outer sheen:
And when it fruits thou tastest it to find * Chamomile's scent
and Sugar's saccharine:
And eke it favoureth on platters poured * Puff-balls of silken
thread and sendal green."

And how excellent is the saying of one of them,

"Quoth they (and I had trained my taste thereto * Nor cared for
other fruits whereby they swore),
'Why lovest so the Fig?' whereto quoth I * 'Some men love Fig and
others Sycamore.[FN#394]'"

And are yet goodlier those of another,

"Pleaseth me more the fig than every fruit * When ripe and
hanging from the sheeny bough;
Like Devotee who, when the clouds pour rain, * Sheds tears and
Allah's power doth avow."

And in that garth were also pears of various kinds
Sinaitic,[FN#395] Aleppine and Grecian growing in clusters and
alone, parcel green and parcel golden.--And Shahrazad perceived
the dawn of day and ceased saying her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Sixty-fifth Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when the
merchants' sons went down into the garth they saw therein all the
fruits we mentioned and found pears Sinaitic, Aleppine and
Grecian of every hue, which here clustering there single grew,
parcel green and parcel yellow to the gazer a marvel-view, as
saith of them the poet,


"With thee that Pear agree, whose hue a-morn * Is hue of hapless
lover yellow pale;
Like virgin cloistered strait in strong Harim * Whose face like
racing steed outstrips the veil."

And Sultani[FN#396] peaches of shades varied, yellow and red,
whereof saith the poet,

"Like Peach in vergier growing * And sheen of Andam[FN#397]
showing:
Whose balls of yellow gold * Are dyed with blood-gouts flowing."

There were also green almonds of passing sweetness, resembling
the cabbage[FN#398] of the palm-tree, with their kernels within
three tunics lurking of the Munificent King's handiworking, even
as is said of them,

"Three coats yon freshest form endue * God's work of varied shape
and hue:
Hardness surrounds it night and day; * Prisoning without a sin to
rue."

And as well saith another,

"Seest not that Almond plucked by hand * Of man from bough where
wont to dwell:
Peeling it shows the heart within * As union-pearl in oyster-
shell."

And as saith a third better than he,

"How good is Almond green I view! * The smallest fills the hand
of you:
Its nap is as the down upon * The cheeks where yet no beardlet
grew:
Its kernels in the shell are seen, * Or bachelors or married two,
As pearls they were of lucent white * Cased and lapped in
Jasper's hue."

And as saith yet another and saith well,

"Mine eyes ne'er looked on aught the Almond like * For charms,
when blossoms[FN#399] in the Prime show bright:
Its head to hoariness of age inclines * The while its cheek by
youth's fresh down is dight."

And jujube-plums of various colours, grown in clusters and alone
whereof saith one, describing them,

"Look at the Lote-tree, note on boughs arrayed * Like goodly
apricots on reed-strown floor,[FN#400]
Their morning-hue to viewer's eye is like * Cascavels[FN#401]
cast of purest golden ore."

And as saith another and saith right well,

"The Jujube-tree each Day * Robeth in bright array.
As though each pome thereon * Would self to sight display.
Like falcon-bell of gold * Swinging from every spray."

And in that garth grew blood oranges, as they were the
Khaulanjan,[FN#402] whereof quoth the enamoured poet,[FN#403]

"Red fruits that fill the hand, and shine with sheen * Of fire,
albe the scarf-skin's white as snow.
'Tis marvel snow on fire doth never melt * And, stranger still,
ne'er burns this living lowe!"

And quoth another and quoth well,

"And trees of Orange fruiting ferly fair * To those who straitest
have their charms surveyed;
Like cheeks of women who their forms have decked * For holiday in
robes of gold brocade."

And yet another as well,

"Like are the Orange-hills[FN#404] when Zephyr breathes * Swaying
the boughs and spray with airy grace,
Her cheeks that glow with lovely light when met * At greeting-
tide by cheeks of other face."

And a fourth as fairly,

"And fairest Fawn, we said to him 'Portray * This garth and
oranges thine eyes survey:'
And he, 'Your garden favoureth my face * Who gathereth orange
gathereth fire alway.'"

In that garden too grew citrons, in colour as virgin gold,
hanging down from on high and dangling among the branches, as
they were ingots of growing gold;[FN#405] and saith thereof the
'namoured poet,

"Hast seen a Citron-copse so weighed adown * Thou fearest bending
roll their fruit on mould;
And seemed, when Zephyr passed athwart the tree * Its branches
hung with bells of purest gold?"

And shaddocks,[FN#406] that among their boughs hung laden as
though each were the breast of a gazelle-like maiden, contenting
the most longing wight, as saith of them the poet and saith
aright,

"And Shaddock mid the garden-paths, on bough * Freshest like
fairest damsel met my sight;
And to the blowing of the breeze it bent * Like golden ball to
bat of chrysolite."

And the lime sweet of scent, which resembleth a hen's egg, but
its yellowness ornamenteth its ripe fruit, and its fragrance
hearteneth him who plucketh it, as saith the poet who singeth it,

"Seest not the Lemon, when it taketh form, * Catch rays of light
and all to gaze constrain;
Like egg of pullet which the huckster's hand * Adorneth dyeing
with the saffron-stain?"

Moreover in this garden were all manner of other fruits and
sweet-scented herbs and plants and fragrant flowers, such as
jessamine and henna and water-lilies[FN#407] and
spikenard[FN#408] and roses of every kind and plantain[FN#409]
and myrtle and so forth; and indeed it was without compare,
seeming as it were a piece of Paradise to whoso beheld it. If a
sick man entered it, he came forth from it like a raging lion,
and tongue availeth not to its description, by reason of that
which was therein of wonders and rarities which are not found but
in Heaven: and how should it be otherwise when its doorkeeper's
name was Rizman? Though widely different were the stations of
those twain! Now when the sons of the merchants had walked about
gazing at the garden after taking their pleasure therein, they
say down in one of its pavilions and seated Nur al-Din in their
midst.--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say
her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Sixty-sixth Night,

She resume, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when the
sons of the merchants sat down in the pavilion they seated Nur
al-Din in their midst on a rug of gold-purfled leather of
Al-Taif,[FN#410] leaning on a pillow[FN#411] of minever, stuffed
with ostrich down. And they gave him a fan of ostrich feathers,
whereon were written these two couplets,

"A fan whose breath is fraught with fragrant scent; * Minding of
happy days and times forspent,
Wafting at every time its perfumed air * O'er face of noble youth
on honour bent."

Then they laid by their turbands and outer clothes and sat
talking and chatting and inducing one another to discourse, while
they all kept their eyes fixed on Nur al-Din and gazed on his
beauteous form. After the sitting had lasted an hour or so, up
came a slave with a tray on his head, wherein were platters of
china and crystal containing viands of all sorts (for one of the
youths had so charged his people before coming to the garden);
and the meats were of whatever walketh earth or wingeth air or
swimmeth waters, such as Kata-grouse and fat quails and
pigeon-poults and mutton and chickens and the delicatest fish.
So, the tray being sat before them, they fell to and ate their
fill; and when they had made an end of eating, they rose from
meat and washed their hands with pure water and musk-scented
soap, and dried them with napery embroidered in silk and bugles;
but to Nur al-Din they brought a napkin laced with red gold
whereon he wiped his hands. Then coffee[FN#412] was served up and
each drank what he would, after which they sat talking, till
presently the garden-keeper who was young went away and returning
with a basket full of roses, said to them, "What say ye, O my
masters, to flowers?" Quoth one of them, "There is no harm in
them,[FN#413] especially roses, which are not to be resisted."
Answered the gardener, "'Tis well, but it is of our wont not to
give roses but in exchange for pleasant converse; so whoever
would take aught thereof, let him recite some verses suitable to
the situation." Now they were ten sons of merchants of whom one
said, "Agreed: give me thereof and I will recite thee somewhat of
verse apt to the case." Accordingly the gardener gave him a bunch
of roses[FN#414] which he took and at once improvised these three
couplets,

"The Rose in highest stead I rate * For that her charms ne'er
satiate;
All fragrant flow'rs be troops to her * Their general of high
estate:
Where she is not they boast and vaunt; * But, when she comes,
they stint their prate."

Then the gardener gave a bunch to another and he recited these
two couplets,

"Take, O my lord, to thee the Rose * Recalling scent by mush be
shed.
Like virginette by lover eyed * Who with her sleeves[FN#415]
enveileth head."

Then he gave a bunch to a third who recited these two couplets,

"Choice Rose that gladdens heart to see her sight; * Of Nadd
recalling fragrance exquisite.
The branchlets clip her in her leaves for joy, * Like kiss of
lips that never spake in spite."

Then he gave a bunch to a fourth and he recited these two
couplets,

"Seest not that rosery where Rose a-flowering displays * Mounted
upon her steed of stalk those marvels manifold?
As though the bud were ruby-stone and girded all around * With
chrysolite and held within a little hoard of gold."

Then he gave a posy to a fifth and he recited these two couplets,

"Wands of green chrysolite bare issue, which * Were fruits like
ingots of the growing gold.[FN#416]
And drops, a dropping from its leaves, were like * The tears my
languorous eyelids railed and rolled."

Then he gave a sixth a bunch and he recited these two couplets,

"O Rose, thou rare of charms that dost contain * All gifts and
Allah's secrets singular,
Thou'rt like the loved one's cheek where lover fond * And fain of
Union sticks the gold dinar."[FN#417]

Then he gave a bunch to a seventh and he recited these two
couplets,

"To Rose quoth I, 'What gars thy thorns to be put forth * For all
who touch thee cruellest injury?'
Quoth she, 'These flowery troops are troops of me * Who be their
lord with spines for armoury.'"

And he gave an eighth a bunch and he recited these two couplets,

"Allah save the Rose which yellows a-morn * Florid, vivid and
likest the nugget-ore;
And bless the fair sprays that displayed such fowers * And mimic
suns gold-begilded bore."

Then he gave a bunch to a ninth and he recited these two
couplets,

"The bushes of golden-hued Rose excite * In the love-sick lover
joys manifold:
'Tis a marvel shrub watered every day * With silvern lymph and it
fruiteth gold."

Then he gave a bunch of roses to the tenth and last and he
recited these two couplets,

"Seest not how the hosts of the Rose display * Red hues and
yellow in rosy field?
I compare the Rose and her arming thorn * To emerald lance
piercing golden shield."

And whilst each one hent bunch in hand, the gardener brought the
wine-service and setting it before them, on a tray of porcelain
arabesqued with red gold, recited these two couplets,

"Dawn heralds day-light: so wine pass round, * Old wine, fooling
sage till his wits he tyne:
Wot I not for its purest clarity * An 'tis wine in cup or 'tis
cup in wine."[FN#418]

Then the gardener filled and drank and the cup went round, till
it came to Nur al-Din's turn, whereupon the man filled and handed
it to him; but he said, "This thing I wot it not nor have I ever
drunken thereof, for therein is great offence and the Lord of
All-might hath forbidden it in His Book." Answered the gardener,
"O my Lord Nur al-Din, an thou forbear to drink only by reason of
the sin, verily Allah (extolled and exalted be He!) is bountiful,
of sufferance great, forgiving and compassionate and pardoneth
the mortalest sins: His mercy embraceth all things, Allah's ruth
be upon the poet who saith,

'Be as thou, wilt, for Allah is bountiful * And when thou sinnest
feel thou naught alarm:
But 'ware of twofold sins nor ever dare * To give God partner or
mankind to harm.'"

Then quoth one of the sons of the merchants, "My life on thee, O
my lord Nur al-Din, drink of this cup!" And another conjured him
by the oath of divorce and yet another stood up persistently
before him, till he was ashamed and taking the cup from the
gardener, drank a draught, but spat it out again, crying, "'Tis
bitter." Said the young gardener, "O my lord Nur al-Din, knowest
thou not that sweets taken by way of medicine are bitter? Were
this not bitter, 'twould lack of the manifold virtues it
possesseth; amongst which are that it digesteth food and
disperseth cark and care and dispelleth flatulence and clarifieth
the blood and cleareth the complexion and quickeneth the body and
hearteneth the hen-hearted and fortifieth the sexual power in
man; but to name all its virtues would be tedious. Quoth one of
the poets,

'We'll drink and Allah pardon sinners all * And cure of ills by
sucking cups I'll find:
Nor aught the sin deceives me; yet said He * 'In it there be
advantage[FN#419] to mankind.'"

Then he sprang up without stay or delay and opened one of the
cupboards in the pavilion and taking out a loaf of refined sugar,
broke off a great slice which he put into Nur al-Din's cup,
saying, "O my lord, an thou fear to drink wine, because of its
bitterness, drink now, for 'tis sweet." So he took the cup and
emptied it: whereupon one of his comrades filled him another,
saying, "O my lord Nur al-Din, I am thy slave," and another did
the like, saying, "I am one of thy servants," and a third said,
"For my sake!" and a fourth, "Allah upon thee, O my lord Nur
al-Din, heal my heart!" And so they ceased not plying him with
wine, each and every of the ten sons of merchants till they had
made him drink a total of ten cups. Now Nur al-Din's body was
virgin of wine-bibbing, or never in all his life had he drunken
vine-juice till that hour, wherefore its fumes wrought in his
brain and drunkenness was stark upon him and he stood up (and
indeed his tongue was thick and his speech stammering) and said,
"O company, by Allah, ye are fair and your speech is goodly and
your place pleasant; but there needeth hearing of sweet music;
for drink without melody lacks the chief of its essentiality,
even as saith the poet,

'Pass round the cup to the old and the young man, too, And take
the bowl from the hand of the shining moon,[FN#420]
But without music, I charge you, forbear to drink; I see even
horses drink to a whistled tune.'"[FN#421]


Therewith up sprang the gardener lad and mounting one of the
young men's mules, was absent awhile, after which he returned
with a Cairene girl, as she were a sheep's tail, fat and
delicate, or an ingot of pure silvern ore or a dinar on a
porcelain plate or a gazelle in the wold forlore. She had a face
that put to shame the shining sun and eyes Babylonian[FN#422] and
brows like bows bended and cheeks rose-painted and teeth
pearly-hued and lips sugared and glances languishing and breast
ivory white and body slender and slight, full of folds and with
dimples dight and hips like pillows stuffed and thighs like
columns of Syrian stone, and between them what was something like
a sachet of spices in wrapper swathed. Quoth the poet of her in
these couplets,

Scottish book of the year goes to Kieron Smith, Boy by James Kelman

The barrister Constance Briscoe has won the libel case brought against her by her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, over her bestselling misery memoir Ugly, in which she accused Briscoe-Mitchell of childhood cruelty and neglect.

Briscoe-Mitchell claimed the allegations were "a piece of fiction", and sued Briscoe and her publishers Hodder & Stoughton for libel.

A 10-day hearing at the high court in London concluded earlier today with a unanimous verdict from the jury after more than a day's deliberation. Speaking outside the court, Briscoe, a part-time judge, said she was "very happy" with the verdict.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me. Now I just want to get on with my career," she said. "I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial, but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors, it should never be swept under the carpet."

The hearing saw Briscoe tell Mr Justice Tugendhat and a jury how her mother beat her with a stick for wetting the bed, called her a "dirty little whore" and drove her to attempt suicide by drinking bleach.

Briscoe's account of her upbringing was published in 2006 and has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK.

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The royal family doesn't need a poet

The power of Jane Austen never ceases to amaze: the myriad film and TV adaptations, the biopics, the spin-off self-help books, the novels about Austen book clubs and Austen obsessives and even, next spring, the publication of a book about "how Jane Austen conquered the world" (Jane's Fame, by Clare Harman). And now comes the just-too-weird story that deceased fans of Jane Austen have been banned from having their ashes scattered in her garden. In a letter to the Jane Austen Society, Louise West, the collections manager of Jane Austen's House Museum, wrote: "While we understand many admirers of Jane Austen would love to have ashes laid here, it is something we do not allow. It is distressing for visitors to see mounds of human ash, particularly so for our gardener. Also, it is of no benefit to the garden!" (Or is it? Surely a small quantity of fresh ashes judiciously placed beneath a hydrangea bush is just the ticket?)

Anyway, leaving aside the Gardeners' Question Time minutiae, what on earth is going on here? I like an Austen novel as much as the next person – I probably reread my way through the complete works every couple of years – but I am baffled as to why one would want to be laid to rest among the flowerbeds of Chawton. The only explanation is the currently unstoppable power of the Austen cult, fuelled by Colin Firth in a wet blouse, by Andrew Davies's adaptations, and by Hollywood. I'm all for enjoying books, but the cult of Austen has reached ridiculous proportions. In a post-feminist world that should know better, she seems to be adored as the comforting provider of romantic, happy-endings nonsense instead of the sharp and acerbic social satirist she deserves to be seen as.

(Does anyone actually believe her, by the way, when she foretells a happy marriage for Darcey and Elizabeth? I fear a woman as interesting as Elizabeth would be sorely disappointed with this standard-issue British Repressed Public-school Man - hopeless emotionally, and probably hopeless in bed.)

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