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The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8 by Richard F. Burton

R >> Richard F. Burton >> The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night, Volume 8




When it was the Eight Hundred and First Night,

She continued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that after
handing the scroll to Hasan, Shaykh Abd al-Kaddus told him what
would befal him and said, "Whoso self imperilleth doeth himself
to death; but also who ventureth naught advantageth naught.
However an thou fear for thy life, cast it not into danger of
destruction; but, an thou fear not, up and do thy will, for I
have expounded to thee the whole case. Yet shouldest thou be
minded to return to thy friends, the elephant is still here and
he will carry thee to my nieces, who will restore thee to thy
country and return thee to thy home, and Allah will vouchsafe
thee a better than this girl, of whom thou art enamoured." Hasan
answered the Shaykh, saying, "And how shall life be sweet to me,
except I win my wish? By Allah, I will never turn back, till I
regain my beloved or my death overtake me!" And he wept and
recited these couplets,

"For loss of lover mine and stress of love I dree, * I stood
bewailing self in deep despondency.
Longing for him, the Spring-camp's dust I kissed and kissed, *
But this bred more of grief and galling reverie.
God guard the gone, who in our hearts must e'er abide * With
nearing woes and joys which still the farther flee.
They say me, 'Patience!' But they bore it all away: * On
parting-day, and left me naught save tormentry.
And naught affrighted me except the word he said, * 'Forget me
not when gone nor drive from memory.'
To whom shall turn I? hope in whom when you are lost? * Who were
my only hopes and joys and woes of me?
But ah, the pang of home-return when parting thus! * How joyed at
seeing me return mine enemy.
Then well-away! this 'twas I guarded me against! * And ah, thou
lowe of Love double thine ardency![FN#111]
An fled for aye my friends I'll not survive the flight; * Yet an
they deign return, Oh joy! Oh ecstacy!
Never, by Allah tears and weeping I'll contain * For loss of you,
but tears on tears and tears will rain."

When Abd al-Kaddus heard his verse he knew that he would not turn
back from his desire nor would words have effect on him, and was
certified that naught would serve him but he must imperil
himself, though it lose him his life. So he said to him, "Know,
O my son, that the Islands of Wak are seven islands, wherein is a
mighty host, all virgin girls, and the Inner Isles are peopled by
Satans and Marids and warlocks and various tribesmen of the Jinn;
and whoso entereth their land never returneth thence; at least
none hath done so to this day. So, Allah upon thee, return
presently to thy people, for know that she whom thou seekest is
the King's daughter of all these islands: and how canst thou
attain to her? Hearken to me, O my son, and haply Allah will
vouchsafe thee in her stead a better than she." "O my lord,"
answered Hasan, though for the love of her I were cut in pieces
yet should I but redouble in love and transport! There is no
help but that I enter the Wak Islands and come to the sight of my
wife and children; and Inshallah, I will not return save with her
and with them." Said the Shaykh, "Then nothing will serve thee
but thou must make the journey?" Hasan replied "Nothing! and I
only ask of thee thy prayers for help and aidance; so haply Allah
will reunite me with my wife and children right soon." Then he
wept for stress of longing and recited these couplets,

"You are my wish, of creatures brightest-light * I deem you lief
as hearing, fain as sight:
You hold my heart which hath become your home * And since you
left me, lords, right sore's my plight:
Then think not I have yielded up your love, * Your love which set
this wretch in fierce affright:
You went and went my joy whenas you went; * And waned and wax'ed
wan the brightest light:
You left me lone to watch the stars in woe: * Railing tears
likest rain-drops infinite.
Thou'rt longsome to the wight, who pining lies * On wake,
moon-gazing through the night,
O Night! Wind! an thou pass the tribe where they abide * Give
them my greeting, life is fain of flight.
And tell them somewhat of the pangs I bear: * The loved one
kenneth not my case aright."

Then he wept with sore weeping till he fainted away; and when he
came to himself, Shaykh Abd al-Kaddus said to him, "O my son,
thou hast a mother; make her not taste the torment of thy loss."
Hasan replied, "By Allah, O my lord, I will never return except
with my wife, or my death shall overtake me." And he wept and
wailed and recited these couplets,

"By Love's right! naught of farness thy slave can estrange * Nor
am I one to fail in my fealty:
I suffer such pains did I tell my case * To folk, they'd cry,
'Madness! clean witless is he!'
Then ecstasy, love-longing, transport and lowe! * Whose case is
such case how shall ever he be?"

With this the old man knew that he would not turn from his
purpose, though it cost him his life; so he handed him the scroll
and prayed for him and charged him how he should do, saying "I
have in this letter given a strict charge concerning thee to Ab£
al-Ruwaysh,[FN#112] son of Bilkis, daughter of Mu'in, for he is
my Shaykh and my teacher, and all, men and Jinn, humble
themselves to him and stand in awe of him. And now go with the
blessing of God." Hasan forthright set out giving the horse the
rein, and it flew off with him swiftlier than lightning, and
stayed not in its course ten days, when he saw before him a vast
loom black as night, walling the world from East to West. As he
neared it, the stallion neighed under him, whereupon there
flocked to it horses in number as the drops of rain, none could
tell their tale or against them prevail, and fell to rubbing
themselves against it. Hasan was affrighted at them and fared
forwards surrounded by the horses, without drawing rein till he
came to the cavern which Shaykh Abd al-Kaddus had described to
him. The steed stood still at the door and Hasan alighted and
bridged the bridle over the saddle-bow[FN#113]; whereupon the
steed entered the cavern, whilst the rider abode without, as the
old man had charged him, pondering the issue of his case in
perplexity and distraction and unknowing what would befal
him.--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say
her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Second Night,

She pursued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that Hasan,
dismounting from the steed, stood at the cavern-mouth pondering
the issue of his case and unknowing what might befal him. He
abode standing on the same spot five days with their nights,
sleepless, mournful, tearful-eyed; distracted, perplexed,
pondering his severance from home and family, comrades and
friends, with weeping eye-lids and heavy heart. Then he bethought
him of his mother and of what might yet happen to him and of his
separation from his wife and children and of all that he had
suffered, and he recited these couplets,

"With you is my heart-cure a heart that goes; * And from
hill-foot of eyelids the tear-rill flows:
And parting and sorrow and exile and dole * And farness from
country and throe that o'erthrows:
Naught am I save a lover distracted by love, * Far parted from
loved one and wilted by woes.
And 'tis Love that hath brought me such sorrow, say where * Is
the noble of soul who such sorrow unknows?"

Hardly had Hasan made an end of his verses, when out came the
Shaykh Abu al-Ruwaysh, a blackamoor and clad in black raiment,
and at first sight he knew him by the description that Abd
al-Kaddus had given him. He threw himself at his feet and rubbed
his cheeks on them and seizing his skirt, laid it on his head and
wept before him. Quoth the old man, "What wantest thou, O my
son?" Whereupon he put out his hand to him with the letter, and
Abu al-Ruwaysh took it and reentered the cavern, without making
him any answer. So Hasan sat down at the cave-mouth in his place
other five days as he had been bidden, whilst concern grew upon
him and terror redoubled on him and restlessness gat hold of him,
and he fell to weeping and bemoaning himself for the anguish of
estrangement and much watching. And he recited these couplets,

"Glory to Him who guides the skies! * The lover sore in sorrow
lies.
Who hath not tasted of Love's food * Knows not what mean its
miseries.
Did I attempt to stem my tears * Rivers of blood would fount and
rise.
How many an intimate is hard * Of heart, and pains in sorest
wise!
An she with me her word would keep, * Of tears and sighs I'd fain
devise,
But I'm forgone, rejected quite * Ruin on me hath cast her eyes.
At my fell pangs fell wildlings weep * And not a bird for me but
cries."

Hasan ceased not to weep till dawn of the sixth day, when Shaykh
Abu al-Ruwaysh came forth to him, clad in white raiment, and with
his hand signed[FN#114] to him to enter. So he went in,
rejoicing and assured of the winning of his wish, and the old man
took him by the hand and leading him into the cavern, fared on
with him half a day's journey, till they reached an arched
doorway with a door of steel. The Shaykh opened the door and
they two entered a vestibule vaulted with onyx stones and
arabesqued with gold, and they stayed not walking till they came
to a great hall and a wide, paved and walled with marble. In its
midst was a flower-garden containing all manner trees and flowers
and fruits, with birds warbling on the boughs and singing the
praises of Allah the Almighty Sovran; and there were four daises,
each facing other, and in each dais a jetting fountain, at whose
corners stood lions of red gold, spouting gerbes from their
mouths into the basin. On each dais stood a chair, whereon sat
an elder, with exceeding store of books before him[FN#115] and
censers of gold, containing fire and perfumes, and before each
elder were students, who read the books to him. Now when the
twain entered, the elders rose to them and did them honour;
whereupon Abu al-Ruwaysh signed to them to dismiss their scholars
and they did so. Then the four arose and seating themselves
before that Shaykh, asked him of the case of Hasan to whom he
said, "Tell the company thy tale and all that hath betided thee
from the beginning of thine adventure to the end." So Hasan wept
with sore weeping and related to them his story with Bahram;
whereupon all the Shaykhs cried out and said, "Is this indeed he
whom the Magian caused to climb the Mountain of Clouds by means
of the vultures, sewn up in the camel-hide?" And Hasan said,
"Yes." So they turned to the Shaykh, Abu al-Ruwaysh and said to
him, "O our Shaykh, of a truth Bahram contrived his mounting to
the mountaintop; but how came he down and what marvels saw he
there?" And Abu al-Ruwaysh said, "O Hasan, tell them how thou
camest down and acquaint them with what thou sawest of marvels."
So he told them all that had befallen him, first and last; how he
had gotten the Magian into his power and slain him, how he had
delivered the youth from him and sent him back to his own
country, and how he had captured the King's daughter of the Jinn
and married her; yet had she played him false and taken the two
boys she had borne him and flown away; brief, he related to them
all the hardships and horrors he had undergone; whereat they
marvelled, each and every, and said to Abu al-Ruwaysh, "O elder
of elders, verily by Allah, this youth is to be pitied! But
belike thou wilt aid him to recover his wife and wees."--And
Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her
permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Third Night,

She resumed, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Hasan told his tale to the elders, they said to Shaykh Abu
al-Ruwaysh, "This youth is to be pitied and haply thou wilt aid
him to recover his wife and wees." He replied, "O my brothers, in
very sooth this is a grave matter and a perilous; and never saw I
any loathe his life save this youth. You know that the Islands
of Wak are hard of access and that none may come to them but at
risk of life; and ye know also the strength of their people and
their guards. Moreover I have sworn an oath not to tread their
soil nor transgress against them in aught; so how shall this man
come at the daughter of the Great King, and who hath power to
bring him to her or help him in this matter?" Replied the other,
"O Shaykh of Shaykhs, verily this man is consumed with desire and
he hath endangered himself to bring thee a scroll from thy
brother Abd al-Kaddus; wherefore it behoveth thee to help him."
And Hasan arose and kissed Abu al-Ruwaysh's feet and raising the
hem of his garment laid it on his head, weeping and crying. "I
beseech thee, by Allah, to reunite me with my wife and children,
though it cost me my life and my soul!" The four elders all wept
for his weeping and said to Abu al-Ruwaysh, "Deal generously with
this unhappy and show him kindness for the sake of thy brother
Abd al-Kaddus and profit by this occasion to earn reward from
Allah for helping him." Quoth he, "This wilful youth weeteth not
what he undertaketh; but Inshallah! we will help him after the
measure of our means, nor leave aught feasible undone." When
Hasan heard the Shaykh's word he rejoiced and kissed the hands of
the five elders, one after other, imploring their aidance.
Thereupon Abd al-Ruwaysh took inkcase and a sheet of paper and
wrote a letter, which he sealed and gave to Hasan, together with
a pouch of perfumed leather,[FN#116] containing incense and
fire-sticks[FN#117] and other needs, and said to him, "Take
strictest care of this pouch, and whenas thou fallest into any
strait, burn a little of the incense therein and name my name,
whereupon I will be with thee forthright and save thee from thy
stress." Moreover, he bade one of those present fetch him an
Ifrit of the Flying Jinn; and he did so incontinently; whereupon
quoth Abu al-Ruwaysh to the fire-drake, "What is thy name!"
Replied the Ifrit, "Thy thrall is hight Dahnash bin Faktash." And
the Shaykh said "Draw near to me!" So Dahnash drew near to him
and he put his mouth to his ear and said somewhat to him, whereat
the Ifrit shook his head and answered, "I accept, O elder of
elders!" Then said Abu al-Ruwaysh to Hasan, "Arise, O my son,
mount the shoulders of this Ifrit, Dahnash the Flyer; but, when
he heaveth thee heavenwards and thou hearest the angels
glorifying God a-welkin with 'Subh na Il h,' have a care lest
thou do the like; else wilt thou perish and he too." Hasan
replied, "I will not say a word; no, never;" and the old man
continued, "O Hasan, after faring with thee all this day,
to-morrow at peep of dawn he will set thee down in a land cleanly
white, like unto camphor, whereupon do thou walk on ten days by
thyself, till thou come to the gate of a city. Then enter and
enquire for the King of the city; and when thou comest to his
presence, salute him with the salam and kiss his hand: then give
him this scroll and consider well whatso he shall counsel thee,"
Hasan replied, "Hearing and obeying," and rose up and mounted the
Ifrit's shoulders, whilst the elders rose and offered up prayers
for him and commended him to the care of Dahnash the Firedrake.
And when he had perched on the Flyer's back the Ifrit soared with
him to the very confines of the sky, till he heard the angels
glorifying God in Heaven, and flew on with him a day and a night
till at dawn of the next day he set him down in a land white as
camphor, and went his way, leaving him there. When Hasan found
himself in the land aforesaid with none by his side he fared on
night and day for ten days, till he came to the gate of the city
in question and entering, enquired for the King. They directed
him to him and told him that his name was King Hass£n,[FN#118]
Lord of the Land of Camphor, and that he had troops and soldiers
enough to fill the earth in its length and breadth. So he sought
audience of him and, being admitted to his presence, found him a
mighty King and kissed ground between his hands. Quoth the King,
"What is thy want?" Whereupon Hasan kissed the letter and gave it
to him. The King read it and shook his head awhile, then said to
one of his officers, "Take this youth and lodge him in the house
of hospitality." So he took him and stablished him in the
guest-house, where he tarried three days, eating and drinking and
seeing none but the eunuch who waited on him and who entertained
him with discourse and cheered him with his company, questioning
him of his case and how he came to that city; whereupon he told
him his whole story, and the perilous condition wherein he was.
On the fourth day, that eunuch carried him before the King, who
said to him, "O Hasan, thou comest to me, seeking to enter the
Islands of Wak, as the Shaykh of Shaykhs adviseth me. O my son, I
would send thee thither this very day, but that by the way are
many perils and thirsty wolds full of terrors; yet do thou have
patience and naught save fair shall befal thee, for needs must I
devise to bring thee to thy desire, Inshallah! Know, O my son,
that here is a mighty host,[FN#119] equipped with arms and steeds
and warlike gear, who long to enter the Wak Islands and lack
power thereto. But, O my son, for the sake of the Shaykh Abu
al-Ruwaysh, son of Bilkis,[FN#120] the daughter of Mu'in, I may
not send thee back to him unfulfilled of thine affair. Presently
there will come to us ships from the Islands of Wak and the first
that shall arrive I will send thee on board of her and give thee
in charge to the sailors, so they may take care of thee and carry
thee to the Islands. If any question thee of thy case and
condition, answer him saying, 'I am kinsman to King Hassun, Lord
of the Land of Camphor;' and when the ship shall make fast to the
shore of the Islands of Wak and the master shall bid thee land,
do thou land. Now as soon as thou comest ashore, thou wilt see a
multitude of wooden settles all about the beach, of which do thou
choose thee one and crouch under it and stir not. And when dark
night sets in, thou wilt see an army of women appear and flock
about the goods landed from the ship, and one of them will sit
down on the settle, under which thou hast hidden thyself,
whereupon do thou put forth thy hand to her and take hold of her
and implore her protection. And know thou, O my son, that an she
accord thee protection, thou wilt win thy wish and regain thy
wife and children; but, if she refuse to protect thee, make thy
mourning for thyself and give up all hope of life, and make sure
of death for indeed thou art a dead man. Understand, O my son,
that thou adventurest thy life and this is all I can do for thee,
and--the peace!"--And Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and
ceased to say her permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Fourth Night,

She said, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that King
Hassun spake these words to Hasan and charged him as we have
related, ending with, "This is all I can do for thee and know
that except the Lord of Heaven had aided thee, thou hadst not
come hither!" The youth wept till he swooned away, and when he
recovered, he recited these two couplets,


"A term decreed my lot I 'spy; * And, when its days shall end, I
die.
Though lions fought with me in lair * If Time be mine I'd beat
them, I!"

Then having ended his verse he kissed the ground before the
Sovran and said to him, "O mighty King, how many days remain till
the coming of the ships?" Replied the other, "In a month's time
they will come and will tarry here, selling their cargueson,
other two months, after which they will return to their own
country; so hope not to set out save after three whole months."
Then the King bade him return to the house of hospitality and
bade supply him with all that he needed of meat and drink and
raiment fit for Kings. Hasan abode in the guest-house a month,
at the end of which the vessels arrived and the King and the
merchants went forth to them, taking Hasan with them. Amongst
them he saw a ship with much people therein, like the shingles
for number; none knew their tale save He who created them. She
was anchored in mid-harbour and had cocks which transported her
lading to the shore. So Hasan abode till the crew had landed all
the goods and sold and bought and to the time of departure there
wanted but three days; whereupon the King sent for him and
equipped him with all he required and gave him great gifts:
after which he summoned the captain of the great ship and said to
him, "Take this youth with thee in the vessel, so none may know
of him save thou, and carry him to the Islands of Wak and leave
him there; and bring him not back." And the Rais said, "To hear
is to obey: with love and gladness!" Then quoth the King to
Hasan, "Look thou tell none of those who are with thee in the
ship thine errand nor discover to them aught of thy case; else
thou art a lost man;" and quoth he, "Hearing and obedience!" With
this he farewelled the King, after he had wished him long life
and victory over his enviers and his enemies; wherefore the King
thanked him and wished him safety and the winning of his wish.
Then he committed him to the captain, who laid him in a chest
which he embarked in a dinghy, and bore him aboard, whilst the
folk were busy in breaking bulk and no man doubted but the chest
contained somewhat of merchandise. After this, the vessels set
sail and fared on without ceasing ten days, and on the eleventh
day they made the land. So the Rais set Hasan ashore and, as he
walked up the beach, he saw wooden settles[FN#121] without
number, none knew their count save Allah, even as the King had
told him. He went on, till he came to one that had no fellow and
hid under it till nightfall, when there came up a mighty many of
women, as they were locusts over-swarming the land and they
marched afoot and armed cap-…-pie in hauberks and strait-knit
coats of mail hending drawn swords in their hands, who, seeing
the merchandise landed from the ships, busied themselves
therewith. Presently they sat down to rest themselves, and one of
them seated herself on the settle under which Hasan had crouched:
whereupon he took hold of the hem of her garment and laid it on
his head and throwing himself before her, fell to kissing her
hands and feet and weeping and crying, "Thy protection! thy
good-will!" Quoth she, "Ho, thou! Arise and stand up, ere any
see thee and slay thee." So he came forth and springing up kissed
her hands and wept and said to her, "O my mistress, I am under
thy protection!"; adding, "Have ruth on one who is parted from
his people and wife and children, one who hath haste to rejoin
them and one who adventureth life and soul for their sake! Take
pity on me and be assured that therefor Paradise will be thy
reward; or, an thou wilt not receive me, I beseech thee, by Allah
the Great, the Concealer, to conceal my case!" The merchants
stared to see him talking with her; and she, hearing his words
and beholding his humility, was moved to ruth for him; her heart
inclined to him and she knew that he had not ventured himself and
come to that place, save for a grave matter. So she said to him,
"O my son, be of good cheer and keep thine eyes cool and clear,
hearten thy heart and take courage and return to thy hiding-place
till the coming night, and Allah shall do as He will." Then she
took leave of him and Hasan crept under the wooden settle as
before, whilst the troops lighted flambeaux of wax mixed with
aloes-wood and Nadd-perfume and crude ambergris[FN#122] and
passed the night in sport and delight till the morning. At
daybreak, the boats returned to the shore and the merchants
busied themselves with buying and selling and the transport of
the goods and gear till nightfall, whilst Hasan lay hidden
beneath the settle, weeping-eyed and woeful-hearted, knowing not
what was decreed to him in the secret preordainment of Allah. As
he was thus, behold, the merchant-woman with whom he had taken
refuge came up to him and giving him a habergeon and a helmet, a
spear, a sword and a gilded girdle, bade him don them and seat
himself on the settle after which she left him, for fear of the
troops. So he arose and donned the mail-coat and helmet and
clasped the girdle about his middle; then he slung the sword over
his shoulder till it hung under his armpit, and taking the spear
in his hand, sat down on that settle, whilst his tongue neglected
not to name Allah Almighty and call on Him for protection.--And
Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say her
permitted say.

When it was the Eight Hundred and Fifth Night,

She continued, It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that when
Hasan received the weapons which the merchant-woman had given to
him, saying, "Sit thee upon the settle and let none wot thy
case," he armed himself and took his seat, whilst his tongue
neglected not to name Allah Almighty and to call upon Him for
protection. And behold, there appeared cressets and lanthorns
and flambeaux and up came the army of women. So he arose and
mingling with them, became as one of them. A little before
daybreak, they set out, and Hasan with them, and fared on till
they came to their camp, where they dispersed each to her tent,
and Hasan followed one of them and lo! it was hers for whose
protection he had prayed. When she entered, she threw down her
arms and doffed her hauberk and veil. So Hasan did the like and
looking at his companion, saw her to be a grizzled old woman
blue-eyed and big-nosed, a calamity of calamities, the foulest of
all created things, with face pock-marked and eyebrows bald,
gap-toothed and chap-fallen, with hair hoary, nose running and
mouth slavering;[FN#123] even as saith the like of her the poet,

Scottish book of the year goes to Kieron Smith, Boy by James Kelman

The barrister Constance Briscoe has won the libel case brought against her by her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, over her bestselling misery memoir Ugly, in which she accused Briscoe-Mitchell of childhood cruelty and neglect.

Briscoe-Mitchell claimed the allegations were "a piece of fiction", and sued Briscoe and her publishers Hodder & Stoughton for libel.

A 10-day hearing at the high court in London concluded earlier today with a unanimous verdict from the jury after more than a day's deliberation. Speaking outside the court, Briscoe, a part-time judge, said she was "very happy" with the verdict.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me. Now I just want to get on with my career," she said. "I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial, but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors, it should never be swept under the carpet."

The hearing saw Briscoe tell Mr Justice Tugendhat and a jury how her mother beat her with a stick for wetting the bed, called her a "dirty little whore" and drove her to attempt suicide by drinking bleach.

Briscoe's account of her upbringing was published in 2006 and has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK.

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American film producer to publish version of the Bible in which God says it is better to be gay than straight

The royal family doesn't need a poet

The power of Jane Austen never ceases to amaze: the myriad film and TV adaptations, the biopics, the spin-off self-help books, the novels about Austen book clubs and Austen obsessives and even, next spring, the publication of a book about "how Jane Austen conquered the world" (Jane's Fame, by Clare Harman). And now comes the just-too-weird story that deceased fans of Jane Austen have been banned from having their ashes scattered in her garden. In a letter to the Jane Austen Society, Louise West, the collections manager of Jane Austen's House Museum, wrote: "While we understand many admirers of Jane Austen would love to have ashes laid here, it is something we do not allow. It is distressing for visitors to see mounds of human ash, particularly so for our gardener. Also, it is of no benefit to the garden!" (Or is it? Surely a small quantity of fresh ashes judiciously placed beneath a hydrangea bush is just the ticket?)

Anyway, leaving aside the Gardeners' Question Time minutiae, what on earth is going on here? I like an Austen novel as much as the next person – I probably reread my way through the complete works every couple of years – but I am baffled as to why one would want to be laid to rest among the flowerbeds of Chawton. The only explanation is the currently unstoppable power of the Austen cult, fuelled by Colin Firth in a wet blouse, by Andrew Davies's adaptations, and by Hollywood. I'm all for enjoying books, but the cult of Austen has reached ridiculous proportions. In a post-feminist world that should know better, she seems to be adored as the comforting provider of romantic, happy-endings nonsense instead of the sharp and acerbic social satirist she deserves to be seen as.

(Does anyone actually believe her, by the way, when she foretells a happy marriage for Darcey and Elizabeth? I fear a woman as interesting as Elizabeth would be sorely disappointed with this standard-issue British Repressed Public-school Man - hopeless emotionally, and probably hopeless in bed.)

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