A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Vol. VI by Robert Dodsley

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SIMPLICITY.
'Cause thou art an honest man, I'll tell thee: my name is Simplicity,

DISSIMULATION.
A name agreeing to thy nature [_Aside_]: but stay; here comes more
company.

_Enter_ FRAUD _with a sword and buckler, like a ruffian_.

FRAUD.
Huff! once aloft, and I may hit in the right vein,
Where I may beguile easily without any great pain.
I will flaunt it and brave it after the lusty swash:[147]
I'll deceive thousands. What care I who lie in the lash?[148]

DISSIMULATION.
What, Fraud? well met. Whither travellest thou this way?

FRAUD.
To London, to get entertainment there, if I may,
Of the three ladies Lucre, Love, and Conscience.
I care not whom I serve--the devil, so I may get pence.[149]

SIMPLICITY.
O Fraud! I know thee for a deceitful knave:
And art thou gotten so bonfacion[150] and brave?
I knew thee, when thou dwelledst at a place called Gravesend,
And the guests knew thee too, because thou wast not their friend;
For when thou shouldst bring reckoning to the guests,
Thou would put[151] twice so much, and swear it cost thy dame no less.
So thou didst deceive them and thy dame too;
And because they spied thy knavery, away thou didst go.
Then thou didst go into Hertfordshire, to a place called Ware,
And because horses stood at hay for a penny a night there,
So that thou couldst get nothing that kind of way,
Thou didst grease the horses' teeth, that they should not eat hay:
Then thou wouldst tell the rider his horse no hay would eat.
Then the man would say: Give him some other kind of meat.
Sir, shall I give him oats, vetches, pease, barley, or bread?
But whate'er thou gavest him, thou stolest three quarters,
when he was in bed.
And now thou art so proud with thy filching and cosening art!
But I think one day thou wilt not be proud of the rope and the cart.
Take a wise fellow's counsel, Fraud: leave thy cosening and filching.

FRAUD.
Thou whoreson rascal swad,[152] avaunt! I'll bang thee for thy brawling.
How darest thou defame a gentleman, that hath so large a living?

SIMPLICITY.
A goodly gentleman ostler! I think none of all you will believe him.

FRAUD.
What a clenchpoop[153] drudge is this! I can forbear him no more.

[_Let_ FRAUD _make as though he would strike him,
but let_ DISSIMULATION _step between them_.

DISSIMULATION.
My good friend Fraud, refrain, and care not therefore.
'Tis Simplicity, that patch; he knoweth not good from bad,
And to stand in contention with him I would think you were mad.
But tell me, Fraud, tell me, hast thou been an ostler in thy days?

FRAUD.
Tut, I have proved an hundred such ways;
For when I could not thrive by all other trades,
I became a squire to wait upon jades.[154]
But then was then, and now is now; but let that pass:
I am, as thou seest me; what care I the devil what I was?

DISSIMULATION.
You say, you go to London: in faith, have with you then.

SIMPLICITY.
Nay, come and go with me, good, honest man;
For if thou go with him, he will teach thee all his knavery.
There is none will go with him that hath any honesty.
A bots[155] on thy motley beard! I know thee; thou art Dissimulation:
And hast thou got an honest man's coat to 'semble this fashion?
I'll tell thee what, thou wilt even 'semble and cog with thine
own father:
A couple of false knaves together, a thief and a broker.
Thou makes townsfolks believe thou art an honest man: in the country
Thou dost nothing but cog, lie, and foist with Hypocrisy.
You shall be hanged together, and go along[156] together for me,
For if I should go, the folks would say, we were knaves all three.

_Enter_ SIMONY _and_ USURY, _hand in hand_.

SIMONY.
Friend Usury, I think we are well near at our journey's end.
But knowest thou whom I have espied?

USURY.
No.

SIMONY.
Fraud, our great friend.

USURY.
And I see another, that is now come into my remembrance.

SIMONY.
Who is that?

USURY.
Marry, Master Davy Dissimulation, a good helper, and our old acquaintance.

SIMPLICITY.
Now all the cards in the stock are dealt about,
The four knaves in a cluster comes ruffling out.

SIMONY.
What, Fraud and Dissimulation! happily found out.
I marvel what piece of work you two go about.

FRAUD.
Faith, sir, we met by chance, and towards London are bent.

USURY.
And to London we hie: it is our chiefest intent,
To see if we can get entertainment of the Ladies or no.

DISSIMULATION.
And for the selfsame matter even thither we go.

SIMONY.
Then, we are luckily well-met; and, seeing we wish all for one thing,
I would we our wills and wishing might win.

SIMPLICITY.
Yes, they will be sure to win the devil and all,
Or else they'll make a man to spew out his gall.
O that vild[157] Usury! he lent my father a little money, and for
breaking one day
He took the fee-simple of his house and mill quite away:
And yet he borrowed not half a quarter as much as it cost;
But I think, if it had been a shilling, it had been lost.
So he kill'd my father with sorrow, and undoed me quite.
And you deal with him, sirs, you shall find him a knave full of spite.
And Simony--A-per-se-A-Simony--too, he is a knave for the nonce:
He loves to have twenty livings at once;
And if he let an honest man, as I am, to have one,
He'll let it so dear that he shall be undone.
And he seeks to get parsons' livings into his hand,
And puts in some odd dunce that to his payment will stand:
So, if the parsonage be worth forty or fifty pound a year,
He will give one twenty nobles to mumble service once a month there.

SIMONY _and_ USURY _both_.
What rascal is he, that speaketh by us such villainy?

DISSIMULATION.
Sirs, he was at us erewhile too; it is no matter: it is a simple soul,
called Simplicity.
But here come two of the ladies; therefore make ready.

_Enter_ LOVE _and_ CONSCIENCE. FRAUD.

But which of us all shall first break the matter?

DISSIMULATION
Marry, let Simony do it, for he finely can flatter.

USURY.
Nay, sirs, because none of us shall have preheminence above other,
We will sing in fellowship together, like brother and brother.

SIMONY.
Of truth, agreed, my masters: let it be so.

SIMPLICITY.
Nay, and they sing, I'll sing too. [_Aside_.

_The Song_.

Good ladies, take pity and grant our desire.

CONSCIENCE' REPLY.
Speak boldly, and tell me what is't you require.

THEIR REPLY.
Your service, good ladies, is what we do crave.

HER REPLY.
We like not, nor list not such servants to have.

THEIR REPLY.
If you entertain us, we trusty will be;
But if you refrain us, then most unhappy.
We will come, we will run, we will bend at your beck,
We will ply, we will hie, for fear of your check.

HER REPLY.
You do feign, you do flatter: you do lie, you do prate:
You will steal, you will rob: you will kill in your hate.
I deny you, I defy you; then cease of your talking:
I refrain you, I disdain you; therefore, get you walking.

CONSCIENCE.
What, Fraud, Dissimulation, Usury, and Simony,
How dare you for shame presume so boldly,
As once to show yourselves before Love and Conscience,
Not yielding your lewd lives first to repentance?
Think you not, that God will plague you for your wicked practices,
If you intend not to amend your vild lives so amiss?[158]
Think you not, God knows your thoughts, words, and works,
And what secret mischiefs in the hearts of you lurks?
Then how dare you offend his heavenly majesty
With your dissembling deceit, your flattery, and your usury?

FRAUD.
Tut, sirs, seeing Lady Conscience is so scripolous,[159]
Let us not speak to her, for I see it is frivolous.
But what say you, Lady Love? Will you grant us favour.

LOVE.
I'll no such servants, so ill of behaviour,
Servants more fitter for Lucre than Love,
And happy are they which refrain for to prove,
Shameless, pitiless, graceless, and quite past honesty;
Then who of good conscience but will hate your company?

USURY.
Here is scripolous Conscience and nice Love indeed.
Tush! if they will not, others will: I know we shall speed.

SIMPLICITY.
But, lady, I stand still behind, for I am none of their company.

CONSCIENCE.
Why, what art thou? O, I know: thou art Simplicity.

SIMPLICITY.
I'faith, I am Simplicity, and would fain serve ye.

CONSCIENCE.
No: I may have no fools to dwell with me.

SIMPLICITY.
Why then, Lady Love, will you have me then?

LOVE.
Ay, Simplicity, thou shalt be my man.

SIMPLICITY.
But shall I be your good-man?

LOVE.
Ay, my good-man, indeed.

SIMPLICITY.
Ay, but I would be your good-man, and swap up a wedding with good speed.

LOVE.
No: Love may not marry in any case with Simplicity;
But if thou wilt serve me, I'll receive it willingly:
And if thou wilt not, what remedy?

SIMPLICITY.
Yes, I will serve ye: but will ye go into dinner, for I am hungry?

LOVE.
Come, Lady Conscience: pleaseth you to walk home from this company?

CONSCIENCE.
With right goodwill, for their sights pleaseth not me.

[_Exeunt_ LADY LOVE _and_ CONSCIENCE.

SIMPLICITY.[160]
Fraud is the clubbish knave, and Usury the hard-hearted knave,
And Simony the diamon' dainty knave,
And Dissimulation the spiteful knave of spade.
Come there any mo knaves? come there any mo?
I see four knaves stand in a row.

[_Let_ FRAUD _run at him,[161] and let_ SIMPLICITY
_run in, and come out again straight_.

FRAUD.
Away, drudge! begone quickly.

SIMPLICITY.
I wous:[162] do thrust out my eyes with a lady.
[_Exit_ SIMPLICITY.

USURY.
Did you ever see gentlemen so rated at before?
But it skills not: I hope one day to turn them both out of door.

SIMONY.
We were arrantly flouted, railed at, and scoff'd in our kind.
That same Conscience is a vild terror to man's mind.
Yet, faith, I care not, for I have borne many more than these,
When I was conversant with the clergy beyond the seas;
And he that will live in this world must not care what such say,
For they are blossoms blown down, not to be found after May.

FRAUD.
Faith, care that care will, for I care not a point.
I have shifted[163] hitherto, and whilst I live I will jeopard a joint;
And at my death I will leave my inheritor behind,
That shall be of the right stamp to follow my mind.
Therefore let them prate, till their hearts ache, and spit out
their evil:
She cannot quail me, if she came in likeness of the great devil.

DISSIMULATION.
Mass, Fraud, thou hast a doughty heart to make a hangman of,
For thou hast good skill to help men from the coff.
But we were arrantly flouted, yet I thought she had not known me;
But I perceive, though Dissimulation do disguise him, Conscience can see.
What though Conscience perceive it, all the world cannot beside,
Tush! there be a thousand places, where we ourselves may provide.
But look, sirs; here cometh a lusty lady towards us in haste;
But speak to her, if you will, that we may be all plac'd.

_Enter_ LADY LUCRE.

USURY.
I pray thee do, for thou art the likeliest to speed.

DISSIMULATION.
Why then I'll tout with a stomach in hope of good speed.
Fair lady, all the gods of good fellowship kiss ye--would say bless ye--

LUCRE.
Thou art very pleasant, and full of thy rope-ripe--I would say rethoric.

DISSIMULATION.
Lady, you took me at the worst: I beseech you therefore
To pardon my boldness, offending no more.

LUCRE.
We do; the matter is not great, but what wouldest thou have?
How shall I call thee, and what is't thou dost crave?

DISSIMULATION.
I am called Dissimulation, and my earnest request
Is to crave entertainment for me and the rest,
Whose names are Fraud, Usury, and Simony,
Great carers for your health, wealth, and prosperity.

LUCRE.
Fraud, Dissimulation, Usury, and Simony,
Now truly I thank you for proffering your service to me;
You are all heartily welcome, and I will appoint straightway,
Where each one in his office in great honour shall stay.
But, Usury, didst thou never know my grandmother, the old Lady
Lucre of Venice?

USURY.
Yes, madam; I was servant unto her, and lived there in bliss.

LUCRE.
But why camest thou into England, seeing Venice is a city,
Where Usury by Lucre may live in great glory?

USURY.
I have often heard your good grandmother tell,
That she had in England a daughter, which her far did excel;
And that England was such a place for Lucre to bide,
As was not in Europe and the whole world beside.
Then, lusting greatly to see you and the country, she being dead,
I made haste to come over to serve you in her stead.

LUCRE.
Gramercy, Usury; and I doubt not but that you shall live here as
pleasantly;
Ay, and pleasanter, too, if it may be. But, Simony, from whence
came ye, tell me?[164]

SIMONY.
My birth, nursery and bringing-up hitherto hath been in Rome,
that ancient religious city.
On a time the monks and friars made a banquet, whereunto they invited me,
With certain other some English merchants, which belike were of their
familiarity;
So, talking of many matters, amongst others one began to debate
Of the abundant substance still brought to that state.
Some said the increase of their substance and wealth
Came from other princes, and was brought thither by stealth:
But the friars and monks, with all the ancient company,
Said that it first came, and is now upholden by me, Simony;
Which the English merchants gave ear to: then they flattered a little
too much,
As Englishmen can do for advantage, when increase it doth touch;
And being a-shipboard merry, and overcome with drink on a day,
The wind served, they hoist sail, and so brought me away:
And landing here, I heard in what great estimation you were,
[And] made bold to your honour to make my repair.

LUCRE.
Well, Simony, I thank thee; but as for Fraud and Dissimulation,
I know their long continuance, and after what fashion.
Therefore, Dissimulation, you shall be my Steward,
An office that every man's case by you must be preferred.
And you, Fraud, shall be my rent-gatherer, my letter of leases,
and my purchaser of land,
So that many old bribes will come to thy hand.
And, Usury, because I know you be trusty, you shall be my secretary,
To deal amongst merchants, to bargain and exchange money.
And Simony, because you are a sly fellow, and have your tongue liberal,
I will place you over such matters as are ecclesiastical.
And though we appoint sundry offices, where now ye are in,
Yet jointly we mean to use you together ofttimes in one thing.

ALL.
Lady, we rest at your command in ought we can or may.

LUCRE.
Then, Master Davy, to my palace haste thee away,
And will Crafty Conveyance, my butler, to make ready
The best fare in the house to welcome thee and thy company.
But stay, Dissimulation, I myself will go with thee.
Gentlemen, I'll go before; but pray, in any case,
So soon as ye please, resort to my place.

[_Exeunt_ DISSIMULATION _and_ LUCRE.

SIMONY.
I warrant you, lady,[165] we will not long absent be.

USURY.
Fellow Simony, this fell out pat, so well as heart could wish.
We are cunning anglers: we have caught the fattest fish.
I perceive it is true that her grandmother told:
Here is good to be done by use of silver and gold.
And sith I am so well settled in this country,
I will pinch all, rich and poor, that come to me.

SIMONY.
And sirrah, when I was at Rome, and dwelt in the Friary,
They would talk how England yearly sent over a great mass of money,
And that this little island was more worth to the Pope,
Than three bigger realms which had a great deal more scope;
For here were smoke-pence, Peter-pence, and Paul-pence to be paid,
Besides much other money that to the Pope's use was made.
Why, it is but lately since the Pope received this fine,
Not much more than twenty-six years--it was in Queen Mary's time.[166]
But I think England had never known what this gear had meant,
If Friar Austin from the Pope had not hither been sent;
For the Pope, hearing it to be a little island, sent him with a great
army over,
And winning the victory, he landed about Rye, Sandwich, or Dover:
Then he erected laws, having the people in subjection;
So for the most part England hath paid tribute so long--
I, hearing of the great store and wealth in the country,
Could not choose but persuade myself the people loved Simony.

USURY.
But stay your talk till some other time: we forget my lady.

SIMONY.
Of troth you say true, for she bad us make haste: [_Aside_.]
But my talk, me-thought, savoured well, and had a good taste.

[_Exeunt ambo_.

_Enter_ MERCATORE _like an Italian Merchant_.

MERCATORE.
I judge in my mind a, dat me be not vare far
From da place where dwells my Lady Lucar.
But here come an shentlymane, a, soe he do.

[_Enter_ DISSIMULATION.

Shentleman, I pray you heartily, let me speak you.
Pray you, do you not know a shentleman dat Master Davy do call?

DISSIMULATION.
Yes, marry, do I: I am he, and what would you withal?

MERCATORE.
Gooda my friend, Master Davy, help me, pray you heartily,
For a some-a acquaintance a with Madonna Lucar, your lady.

DISSIMULATION.
Sir, upon condition I will: therefore I would you should know,
That on me and my fellows you must largely bestow;
Whose names are Fraud, Usury, and Simony, men of great credit and calling,
And to get my lady's goodwill and theirs it is no small thing.
But tell me, can you be content to win Lucre by Dissimulation?

MERCATORE.
A, gooda my friend, do axe-a me no shush a question,
For he dat will live in the world must be of the world sure;
And de world will love his own, so long as the world endure.

DISSIMULATION.
I commend your wit, sir; but here comes my lady.

_Enter_ LUCRE.

MERCATORE.
Come hither: here's to tree crowns for de speak me.

DISSIMULATION.
Well, sir, I thank you: I will go speak for you.

LUCRE.
Master Davy Dissimulation, what new acquaintance have ye gotten there?

DISSIMULATION.
Such a one, madam, that unto your state hath great care;
And surely in my mind the gentleman is worthy
To be well-thought on for his liberality, bounty, and great care
to seek ye.

LUCRE.
Gentleman, you are heartily welcome: how are you called, I pray
you tell us?

MERCATORE.
Madonna, me be a mershant, and be call'd Signer Mercatore.

LUCRE.
But, I pray you, tell me what countryman?

MERCATORE.
Me be, Madonna, an Italian.

LUCRE.
Yet let me trouble ye: I beseech ye whence came ye?

MERCATORE.
For salva vostra buona grazia,[167] me come from Turkey.

LUCRE.
Gramercy: but Signor Mercatore, dare you not to undertake
Secretly to convey good commodities out of this country for my sake?

MERCATORE.
Madonna, me do for love of you tink no pain too mush,
And to do anyting for you me will not grush:
Me will a forsake a my fader, moder, king, country, and more dan dat;
Me will lie and forswear meself for a quarter so much as my hat.
What is dat for love of Lucre me dare, or will not do?
Me care not for all the world, the great devil, nay, make my God
angry for you.

LUCRE.
You say well, Mercatore; yet Lucre by this is not thoroughly won:
But give ear, and I will show what by thee must be done.
Thou must carry over wheat, pease, barley, oats, and vetches,
and all kind of grain,
Which is well sold beyond sea, and bring such merchants great gain.
Then thou must carry beside leather, tallow, beef, bacon, bell-metal
and everything,
And for these good commodities trifles into England thou must bring;
As bugles to make bables, coloured bones, glass beads to make bracelets
withal,
For every day gentlewomen of England do ask for such trifles from stall
to stall:
And you must bring more, as amber, jet, coral, crystal, and every
such babble,
That is slight, pretty and pleasant: they care not to have it profitable.
And if they demand wherefore your wares and merchandise agree,
You must say jet will take up a straw: amber will make one fat:
Coral will look pale, when you be sick, and crystal staunch blood.
So with lying, flattering and glosing you must utter your ware,
And you shall win me to your will, if you can deceitfully swear.

MERCATORE.
Tink ye not dat me have carried over corn, leader, beef and bacon too,
all tis while?
And brought heder many babbles dese countrymen to beguile?
Yes; shall me tell you, Madonna I me and my countrymans have sent over
Bell-metal for make ordnance, yea, and ordnance itself beside,
Dat my country and oder countries be so well furnish as dis country,
and has never been spi'd.

LUCRE.
Now I perceive you love me; and if you continue in this still,
You shall not only be with me, but command me when and where you will.

MERCATORE.
Lady, for to do all dis and more for you me be content;
But I tink some skall[168] knave will put a bill in da Parliament,
For dat such a tings shall not be brought here.

LUCRE.
Tush, Mercatore! I warrant thee, thou needest not to fear.
What, and one do? there is some other will flatter, and say
They do no hurt to the country, and with a sleight fetch that bill away.
And if they do not, so that by Act of Parliament it be pass'd,
I know you merchants have many a sleight and subtle cast,
So that you will by stealth bring over great store,
And say it was in the realm a long time before.
For being so many of these trifles here, as there are at this day,
You may increase them at pleasure, when you send over sea;
And do but give the searcher an odd bribe in his hand,
I warrant you, he will let you 'scape roundly with such things in
and out the land.
But, Signor Mercatore, I pray you walk in with me,
And as I find you kind to me, so will I favour ye.

MERCATORE.
Me tank you, my good lady. But, Master Dissimulation, here is for
your fellows, Fraud, Usury, and Simony, and say me give it dem.

[_Exeunt LUCRE and MERCATORE_.

DISSIMULATION.
Ay marry, sir, these bribes have welcome[169] been.
Good faith, I perceive, Dissimulation, Fraud, Usury, and Simony
shall live
In spite of Love and Conscience, though their hearts it doth grieve.
Mass, masters, he that cannot lie, cog, dissemble and flatter now-a-days,
Is not worthy to live in the world, nor in the court to have praise.

_Enter_ ARTIFEX, _an Artificer_.

ARTIFEX.
I beseech you, good Master Dissimulation, befriend a poor man
To serve Lady Lucre; and sure, sir, I'll consider it hereafter, if I can.

DISSIMULATION.
What, consider me? dost thou think that I am a bribetaker?
Faith, it lies not in me to further thy matter.

ARTIFEX.
Good Master Dissimulation, help me: I am almost quite undone;
But yet my living hitherto with Conscience I have won,
But my true working, my early rising, and my late going to bed
Is scant able to find myself, wife and children dry bread:
For there be such a sort of strangers in this country,
That work fine to please the eye, though it be deceitfully;
And that which is slight, and seems to the eye well,
Shall sooner than a piece of good work be proffered to sell;
And our Englishmen be grown so foolish and nice,
That they will not give a penny above the ordinary price.

DISSIMULATION.
Faith, I cannot help thee: 'tis my fellow Fraud must pleasure thee.
Here comes my fellow Fraud: speak to him, and I'll do what I can.

_Enter_ FRAUD.

ARTIFEX.
I beseech you be good unto me, right honest gentleman.

FRAUD.
Why and whereto? what wouldest thou have me do?

ARTIFEX.
That my poor estate you will so much prefer,
As to get me to be a workman to Lady Lucre;
And, sir. I doubt not but to please you so well for your pain,
That you shall think very well of me, if I in her service remain.

DISSIMULATION.
Good fellow Fraud, do so much; for I see he is very willing to live,
And some piece of work to thee for thy pains he will give.

FRAUD.
Well, upon that condition I will; but I care not so much for his gifts,
As that he will by my name declare how he came by his great thrifts,
And that he will set out in every kind of thing,
That Fraud is a good husband, and great profit doth bring.
Therefore the next piece of work that thou dost make,
Let me see how deceitful thou wilt do it for my sake.

ARTIFEX.
Yes, I will, sir; of that be you sure:
I'll honour your name, while life doth endure.

DISSIMULATION.
Fellow Fraud, here comes a citizen, as I deem.

FRAUD.
Nay, rather a lawyer, or some pettifogger he doth seem.

_Enter a_ LAWYER.

LAWYER.
Gentlemen, my earnest suit is to desire ye,
That unto your lady's service you would help me;
For I am an attorney of the law, and pleader at the bar,
And have a great desire to plead for Lady Lucre.
I have been earnest, sir, as is needful in such a case,
For fear another come before me, and obtain my place.
I have pleaded for Love and Conscience, till I was weary:
I had many clients, and many matters that made my purse light,
and my heart heavy:
Therefore let them plead for Conscience that list for me;
I'll plead no more for such as brings nothing but beggary.

DISSIMULATION.
Sir, upon this condition that you will keep men in the law
Ten or twelve years for matters that are not worth a straw,
And that you will make an ill matter seem good and firmable indeed,
Faith, I am content for my part you shall speed.

FRAUD.
Nay, fellow, thou knowest that Simony and Usury hath an ill-matter
in law at this time;
Now, if thou canst handle the matter so subtle and fine,
As to plead that ill-matter good and firmable at the bar,
Then thou shalt show thyself worthy to win Lady Lucre.
Therefore tell me if you can or will do it, or no:
If you do it, be sure to get my lady's goodwill, ere you go.

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