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Chronicle Of The Cid by Various

V >> Various >> Chronicle Of The Cid




XXI. Then Alvar Fañez and Pero Bermudez went their way, and Pero
Sanchez and his company departed with them. They went up Val de Esgueva
to Peñafiel, and by Roa and Arrueco, and they entered the Oak-forest of
Corpes, and Pero Sanchez showed the place beside the fountain where the
villainy had been committed; and they made such lamentation there as if
they had seen the dames lie dead before them. Then rode they to the
village where the good man dwelt, and went to his dwelling, and good
guerdon did they give unto him for the service which he had done, so
that he was full well requited. And they took with them the two sons
and the two daughters of the good man, that they might recompense them
for the good deeds of their father; and the dames gave them in
marriage, and made them full rich, and held them even as brothers and
as sisters, because of the service which they had received from them.
When it was known at Santesteban that Minaya was coming for his
kinswomen, the men of that town welcomed him and his company, and they
brought him in payment the _efurcion_, that is to say, the
supper-money, and it was full great. But Minaya would not accept it at
their hands, and he thanked them, and said, Thanks, men of Santesteban,
for what ye have done, and my Cid the Campeador will thank ye, as I do,
and God will give ye your guerdon. Then went they to visit their
kinswomen, and when they saw the dames, who can tell the great
lamentation which was made on both sides? albeit that they rejoiced to
see each other. And Minaya said unto them, By God, cousins, he knoweth
the truth, and your father and mother know it also, ... I misdoubted
this when you went away with those false ones; and it grieved me when
your father said that he had given his consent that ye should go, and
your mother gainsaid it also; but we could not prevail, for he said he
had consented. Howbeit, since ye are alive, of evils let us be thankful
for the least: you have lost one marriage, and may gain a better, and
the day will come when we shall avenge ye. That night they rested at
Santesteban, and on the morrow they set forward and took the road
towards Atienza, and the men of Santesteban escorted them as far as the
river Damor, to do them pleasure. And they past Alcoceba, and went on
to the King's Ford, and there took up there lodging at the Casa de
Berlanga. On the morrow they lodged at Medina Celi, and from thence
they went to Molina, and Abengalvon came out with a right good will to
welcome them, for love of the Cid, and he did them all the honour that
he could. And it was accorded between them that the dames should rest
there some days, because of their weakness, and that they should send
and let the Cid know what had been done.

XXII. Then Pero Bermudez went on to Valencia, and Alvar Fañez and the
rest of his company abode with the dames in Molina. And when Pero
Bermudez arrived he found the Cid Ruydiez just risen with his chivalry
from dinner, and when the Cid saw him he welcomed him right well;
howbeit he could not refrain from weeping; for before this Felez Muñoz
had told him all. And he stroked his beard and said, Thanks be to
Christ, the Lord of this world, by this beard which no one hath ever
cut, the Infantes of Carrion shall not triumph in this! And he began to
take comfort, hearing how King Don Alfonso had appointed the Cortes.
And he took Pero Bermudez by the hand and led him to Doña Ximena, who
wept greatly at seeing him, and said, Ah, Pero Bermudez, what tidings
bringest thou of my daughters? And he comforted her and said, Weep not,
Lady, for I left them alive and well at Molina, and Alvar Fañez with
them; by God's blessing you shall have good vengeance for them! Then
the Cid seated himself near his wife, and Pero Bermudez took his seat
before them, and told them all that he had done, and how the King had
summoned them to the Cortes at Toledo. And he said unto the Cid, My
uncle and Lord, I know not what to say, but ill is my luck that I could
not take vengeance before I returned here; and certes, if I could have
found them I would have died, or have compleated it: but they when they
had done this villainy dared not appear before the King, neither in his
Court, and therefore he hath issued this summons to them that they
should come. Manifestly may it be seen that the King well inclineth to
give you justice, if you fail not to demand it. Now then I beseech you
tarry not, but let us to horse and confront them and accuse them, for
this is not a thing to be done leisurely. And the Cid answered and
said, Chafe not thyself, Pero Bermudez, for the man who thinketh by
chafing to expedite his business, leaveth off worse than he began. Be
you certain, that if I die not I shall take vengeance upon those
traitors, and I trust in God not to die till I have taken it. Now
therefore, give me no more anger than I feel in my own heart, for Felez
Muñoz hath given me enough. I thank my Lord King Don Alfonso for the
answer which he gave you, and for appointing the Cortes, and in such
guise will I appear there as shall gall them who wish ill to me. God
willing, we will take our departure in good time! Do you now return to
Molina, and bring on my daughters, for I would fain see them; and I
will talk with them that they may tell me the whole truth of this
thing, that I may know the whole when I go to the court of the King to
demand vengeance.

XXIII. Pero Bermudez returned the next day to Molina, where Abengalvon
had done great honour to the dames, and to Alvar Fañez, and all that
were with him. And they departed from Molina, and Abengalvon with them,
for he would not leave them till he had brought them to Valencia to his
Lord the Cid. And when the Cid knew that they were drawing nigh he rode
out two leagues to meet them, and when they saw him they made great
lamentation, they and all his company, not only the Christians but the
Moors also who were in his service. But my Cid embraced his daughters,
and kissed them both, and smiled and said, Ye are come, my children,
and God will heal you! I accepted this marriage for you, but I could do
no other; by God's pleasure ye shall be better mated hereafter. And
when they reached Valencia and went into the Alcazar to their mother
Doña Ximena, who can tell the lamentation which was made by the mother
over her daughters, and the daughters with their mother, and by the
women of their household. Three days did this great lamentation last.
And the Cid thanked Abengalvon, his vassal, for the honour which he had
shown to his children and their company, and promised to protect him
from all who should come against him. And Abengalvon returned to Molina
well pleased.




BOOK IX.


I. My Cid the Campeador made ready to appear at the Cortes in Toledo,
and he left the Bishop Don Hieronymo, and Martin Pelaez the Asturian,
to command in Valencia, and five hundred knights with them, all
hidalgos. And he spake with his daughters, and commanded and besought
them to tell him the whole truth, how this matter had been, and not say
the thing which was false; and they did accordingly, and related unto
him all, even as it had befallen them. And the Cid departed from
Valencia, and with him went Alvar Fañez Minaya with two hundred
knights, and Pero Bermudez with one hundred; and Martin Antolinez with
fifty, and Martin Ferrandez with other fifty, and Felez Ferruz and
Benito Sanchez with fifty each; ... these were five hundred knights.
And there went fifty with Martin Garcia and Martin Salvadorez, and
fifty with Pero Gonzalvez and Martin Muñoz, and Diego Sanchez of
Arlanza went with fifty, and Don Nuño, he who colonized Cubiella, and
Alvar Bermudez he who colonized Osma, went with forty, and Gonzalo
Muñoz of Orbaneja, and Muño Ravia, and Yvañez Cornejo with sixty, and
Muño Fernandez the Lord of Monteforte, and Gomez Fernandez he who
colonized Pampliego with sixty; and Don Garcia de Roa and Serrazin his
brother, Lord of Aza, with ninety; and Antolin Sanchez of Soria took
with him forty knights who were his children or his kin: ... nine
hundred knights were they in all. And there went with them five hundred
esquires on foot, all hidalgos, beside those who were bred in his
household, and beside other foot-men, who were many in number. All
these went well clad in right good garments, and with good horses, to
serve the Cid both in Cortes and in the war.

II. King Don Alfonso made no delay, but sent out his letters through
Leon and Santiago, to the Portugueze and the Calicians, and they of
Carrion, and the Castillians, that he would hold a Cortes in Toledo at
the end of seven weeks, and that they who did not appear should no
longer be accounted his vassals. At this greatly were the Infantes of
Carrion troubled, for they feared the coming of my Cid the Campeador.
And they took counsel with their kin and prayed the King that he would
hold them excused from that Cortes; and the King made answer, that
nothing but God should excuse them from it, for the Campeador was
coming to demand justice against them, and he, quoth the King, who will
not appear, shall quit my kingdoms. So when they saw that they must
needs appear, they took counsel with the Count Don Garcia, the enemy of
my Cid, who alway wished him ill, and they went with the greatest
company that they could assemble, thinking to dismay my Cid the
Campeador. And they arrived before him.

III. When my Cid drew nigh unto Toledo, he sent Alvar Fañez forward to
kiss the King's hand, and let him wit that he should be there that
night. When the King heard this it rejoiced his heart, and he took
horse and went out with a great company to meet him who was born in
happy hour; and there went with him his sons-in-law, the Count Don
Anrrich, and the Count Don Remond; this one was the father of the good
Emperor. When they came in sight, the Cid dismounted and fell to the
ground, and would have abased himself to honour his Lord, but the King
cried out to him and said, By St. Isidro this must not be to-day!
Mount, Cid, or I shall not be well pleased! I welcome you with heart
and soul; ... and my heart is grieved for your grief. God send that the
court be honoured by you! Amen, said my Cid the Campeador, and he
kissed his hand, and afterwards saluted him. And the Cid said, I thank
God that I see you, Sir; and he humbled himself to Count Don Anrrich,
and Count Don Remond, and the others, and said, God save all our
friends, and chiefly you, Sir! my wife Doña Ximena kisses your hand,
and my daughters also, that this thing which hath befallen us, may be
found displeasing unto you. And the King said, That will it be, unless
God prevent. So they rode toward Toledo. And the King said unto him, I
have ordered you to be lodged in my Palaces of Galiana, that you may be
near me. And the Cid answered, Gramercy, Sir! God grant you long life
and happy, but in your Palaces there is none who should be lodged save
you. When you hold your Cortes let it be in those Palaces of Galiana,
for there is better room there than in the Alcazar. I will not cross
the Tagus to-night, but will pass the night in St. Servans on this
side, and hold a vigil there. To-morrow I will enter the city, and be
in the court before dinner. The King said that it pleased him well, and
he returned into Toledo. And the Cid went into the Church of St.
Servans, and ordered candles to be placed upon the altar, for he would
keep a vigil there; and there he remained with Minaya and the other
good ones, praying to the Lord, and talking in private. The tents of
his company were pitched upon the hills round about. Any one who beheld
them might well have said, that it looked like a great host.

IV. When the King entered the city, he bade his seneschal, Benito
Perez, make ready the Palaces of Galiana for the next day, when the
Cortes should begin; and he fitted the great Palace after this manner.
He placed _estrados_ with carpets upon the ground, and hung the walls
with cloth of gold. And in the highest place he placed the royal chair
in which the King should sit; it was a right noble chair and a rich,
which he had won in Toledo, and which had belonged to the Kings
thereof; and round about it right noble _estrados_ were placed for the
Counts and honourable men who were come to the Cortes. Now the Cid knew
how they were fitting up the Palaces of Galiana, and he called for a
squire, who was a young man, one whom he had brought up and in whom he
had great trust; he was an hidalgo, and hight Ferran Alfonso; and the
Cid bade him take his ivory seat which he had won in Valencia, and
which had belonged to the Kings thereof, and place it in the Palace, in
the best place, near the seat of the King; and that none might hurt or
do dishonour unto it, he gave him a hundred squires, all hidalgos, to
go with him, and ordered them not to leave it till he should come there
the next day. So when they had dined, they made the seat be taken up,
and went with it to the Palaces of Galiana, and placed it near the seat
of the King, as the Cid had commanded; and all that day and night they
remained there guarding the ivory seat, till the Cid should come and
take his place thereon; every one having his sword hung from his neck.
This was a right noble seat, and of subtle work, so that whoso beheld
it would say it was the seat of a good man, and that it became such a
one as the Cid. It was covered with cloth of gold, underneath which was
a cushion.

V. On the morrow, after the King had heard mass, he went into the
Palace of Galiana, where the Cortes was to assemble, and the Infantes
of Carrion and the other Counts and Ricos-omes with him, save the Cid
who was not yet come; and when they who did not love the Cid beheld his
ivory seat, they began to make mock of it. And Count Garcia said to the
King, I beseech your Grace, tell me, for whom that couch is spread
beside your seat: for what dame is it made ready; will she come drest
in the _almexia_ ... or with white _alquinales_ on her head, or after
what fashion will she be apparelled? Sir, a seat like that is fit for
none but your Grace: give order to take it for yourself, or that it be
removed. When Ferran Alfonso, who was there to guard the ivory seat
heard this, he answered and said, Count, you talk full foolishly, and
speak ill of one against whom it behoves you not to talk. He who is to
sit upon this seat is better than you, or than all your lineage; and he
hath ever appeared a man to all his enemies, not like a woman as you
say. If you deny this I will lay hands upon you, and make you
acknowledge it before my Lord the King Don Alfonso, who is here
present. And I am of such a race that you cannot acquit yourself by
saying I am not your peer, and the vantage of half your arms I give
you! At these words was the King greatly troubled, and the Counts also,
and all the honourable men who were there present. And Count García who
was an angry man, wrapt his mantle under his arm, and would have struck
Ferran Alfonso, saying, Let me get at the boy who dares me! And Ferran
Alfonso laid hand upon his sword and came forward to meet him, saying,
that if it were not for the King, he would punish him thereright for
the folly which he had uttered. But the King seeing that these words
went on from bad to worse, put them asunder that farther evil might not
happen, and he said, None of ye have reason to speak thus of the seat
of the Cid; he won it like a good knight and a valiant, as he is. There
is not a King in the world who deserves this seat better than my vassal
the Cid, and the better and more honourable he is, the more am I
honoured through him. This seat he won in Valencia, where it had
belonged to the Kings thereof; and much gold and silver, and many
precious stones hath he won; and many a battle hath he won both against
Christians and Moors: and of all the spoil which he hath won, he hath
alway sent me part, and great presents and full rich, such as never
other vassal sent to his Lord; and this he hath done in acknowledgment
that I am his Lord. Ye who are talking here against him, which of ye
hath ever sent me such gifts as he? If any one be envious, let him
atchieve such feats as he hath done, and I will seat him with myself to
do him honour.

VI. Now the Cid had performed his vigil in the Church of St. Servan,
matins and primes were said, and mass performed; and then he made ready
to go to the Cortes, and with him went Alvar Fañez Minaya, whom he
called his right arm, and Pero Bermudez, and Muño Gustios, and Martin
Antolinez that doughty Burgalese, and Alvar Alvarez, and Alvar
Salvadorez, and Martin Muñoz, and Felez Muñoz the Cid's nephew, and
Malanda who was a learned man, and Galin Garciez the good one of
Aragon: these and others made ready to go with him, being an hundred of
the best of his company. They wore _velmezes_ under their harness, that
they might be able to bear it, and then their mail, which was as bright
as the sun: over this they had ermine or other skins, laced tight that
the armour might not be seen, and under their cloaks, their swords
which were sweet and sharp. He who was born in happy hour made no
tarriance; he drew on his legs hose of fine cloth, and put on over them
shoes which were richly worked. A shirt of _ranzal_ he wore, which was
as white as the sun; all the fastenings were wrought with gold and
silver: over this a _brial_ of gold tissue; and over this a red skin
with points of gold. My Cid the Campeador alway wore it. On his head he
had a coif of scarlet wrought with gold, which was made that none might
clip the hair of the good Cid. His was a long beard, and he bound it
with a cord. And he bade Alvar Fañez and Pero Bermudez assemble their
companions, and when he saw them he said, If the Infantes of Carrion
should seek a quarrel, where I have a hundred such as these I may be
well without fear! And he said, Let us mount now and go to the Cortes.
We go to make one defiance, and peradventure it may be two or three,
through the folly of those who may stir against us. Ye will be ready to
aid me, saying and doing as I shall call upon ye, always saving the
honour and authority of King Don Alfonso our Lord; see now that none of
ye say or do ought amiss, for it would be unseemly. Then called he for
his horse, and bestrode it, and rode to the Cortes.

VII. My Cid and his company alighted at the gate of the Palaces of
Galiana, and he and his people went in gravely, he in the midst and his
hundred knights round about him. When he who was born in happy hour
entered, the good King Don Alfonso rose up, and the Counts Don Anrrich
and Don Remond did the like, and so did all the others, save the
curly-headed one of Granon, and they who were on the side of the
Infantes of Carrion. All the others received him with great honour. And
he said unto the King, Sir, where do you bid me sit with these my
kinsmen and friends who are come with me? And the King made answer,
Cid, you are such a one, and have past your time so well to this day,
that if you would listen to me and be commanded by me, I should hold it
good that you took your seat with me; for he who hath conquered Kings,
ought to be seated with Kings. But the Cid answered, That, Sir, would
not please God, but I will be at your feet for by the favour of the
King your father Don Ferrando was I made, his creature and the creature
of your brother King Don Sancho am I, and it behoveth not that he who
receiveth bounty should sit with him who dispenseth it. And the King
answered, Since you will not sit with me, sit on your ivory seat, for
you won it like a good man; and from this day I order that none except
King or Prelate sit with you, for you have conquered so many high-born
men, and so many Kings, both Christians and Moors, that for this reason
there is none who is your peer, or ought to be seated with you. Sit
therefore like a King and Lord upon your ivory seat. Then the Cid
kissed the King's hand, and thanked him for what he had said, and for
the honour which he had done him; and he took his seat, and his hundred
knights seated themselves round about him. All who were in the Cortes
sate looking at my Cid and at his long beard which he had bound with a
cord; but the Infantes of Carrion could not look upon him for shame.

VIII. When they were all seated the King gave command that they should
be silent; and when the Cid saw that they were all still, he rose and
spake after this manner. Sir King Don Alfonso, I beseech you of your
mercy that you would hear me, and give command that I should be heard,
and that you would suffer none to interrupt me, for I am not a man of
speech, neither know I how to set forth my words, and if they interrupt
me I shall be worse. Moreover, Sir, give command that none be bold
enough to utter unseemly words, nor be insolent towards me, least we
should come to strife in your presence. Then King Don Alfonso rose and
said, Hear me, as God shall help you! Since I have been King I have
held only two Cortes, one in Burgos, and one in Carrion. This third I
have assembled here in Toledo for the love of the Cid, that he may
demand justice against the Infantes of Carrion for the wrongs which we
all know. The Counts Don Anrrich and Don Remoud shall be Alcaldes in
this cause; and these other Counts who are not on either side, give ye
all good heed, for ye are to take cognizance that the right may be
decreed. And I give order, and forbid any one, to speak without my
command, or to utter aught insolent against the Cid; and I swear by St.
Isidro, that whosoever shall disturb the Cortes shall lose my love and
be banished from the kingdom. I am on the side of him who shall be
found to have the right. Then those Counts who were appointed Alcaldes
were sworn upon the Holy Gospels, that they would judge between the Cid
and the Infantes of Carrion, rightly and truly, according to the law of
Castille and Leon.

IX. When this was done the King bade the Cid make his demand; and the
Cid rose and said, Sir, there is no reason for making long speeches
here, which would detain the Cortes. I demand of the Infantes of
Carrion, before you, two swords which I gave into their keeping; the
one is Colada and the other Tizona. I won them like a man, and gave
them to the keeping of the Infantes that they might honour my daughters
with them, and serve you. When they left my daughters in the Oak-forest
of Corpes they chose to have nothing to do with me, and renounced my
love; let them therefore give me back the swords, seeing that they are
no longer my sons-in-law. Then the King commanded the Alcaldes to judge
upon this demand according as they should find the right; and they took
counsel and judged, that the swords should be restored unto the Cid.
And Count Don Garcia said they would talk concerning it; and the
Infantes of Carrion talked apart with those who were on their side, and
they thought that they were well off; for that the Cid would demand
nothing more of them, but would leave the Cortes when he had recovered
the swords. So they brought the swords Colada and Tizona, and delivered
them to the King. The King drew the swords, and the whole Court shone
with their brightness: their hilts were of solid gold; all the good men
of the Cortes marvelled at them. And the Cid rose and received them,
and kissed the King's hand, and went back to his ivory seat; and he
took the swords in his hand and looked at them; they could not change
them, for the Cid knew them well, and his whole frame rejoiced, and he
smiled from his heart. And he laid them upon his lap and said, Ah, my
swords, Colada and Tizona, truly may I say of you, that you are the
best swords in Spain; and I won you, for I did not get you either by
buying or by barter. I gave ye in keeping to the Infantes of Carrion
that they might do honour to my daughters with ye. But ye were not for
them! they kept ye hungry, and did not feed ye with flesh as ye were
wont to be fed. Well is it for you that ye have escaped that thraldom
and are come again to my hands, and happy man am I to recover you. Then
Alvar Fañez rose and kissed the hand of the Cid, and said, I beseech
you give Colada into my keeping while this Cortes shall last, that I
may defend you therewith: and the Cid gave it him and said. Take it, it
hath changed its master for the better. And Pero Bermudez rose and made
the same demand for the sword Tizona, and the Cid gave it him in like
manner. Then the Cid laid hand upon his beard as he was wont to do, and
the Infantes of Carrion and they who were of their side thought that he
meant to disturb the Cortes, and they were greatly afraid; but he sate
still like a man of good understanding, for he was not one who did
things lightly.

X. Then the Cid rose and said, Thanks be to God and to you, Sir King, I
have recovered my swords Colada and Tizona, I have now another demand
against the Infantes of Carrion, King Don Alfonso, you well know that
it was your pleasure to bid me meet you at Requeña, and I went there in
obedience to your command. And you asked of me my daughters in marriage
for the Infantes, and I did not refuse, in that I would not disobey
your command; and you bade me deliver them to my kinsman here Don Alvar
Fañez, and he gave them to the Infantes to be their wives, and the
blessing was given them in the church of St. Mary, according to the law
of Rome. You, Sir, gave them in marriage, not I; and you did it for
good, not for evil; but what they did was after another wise. And
though they are of great blood and honourable, yet would I not have
given my daughters to them, unless in obedience to your command; and
this, Sir, you well know, for so I said unto you. I gave them, when
they took my daughters from Valencia, horses and mules, and cups and
vessels of fine gold, and much wrought silver, and many noble garments,
and other gifts, three thousand marks of silver in all, thinking that I
gave it to my daughters whom I loved. Now, Sir, since they have cast my
daughters off, and hold themselves to have been dishonoured in marrying
them, give command that they restore unto me this which is my own, or
that they show cause why they should not. Then might you have seen the
Infantes of Carrion in great chafing. And Count Don Remond called upon
them to speak; and they said, We gave his swords to the Cid Campeador,
that he might ask nothing more of us, if it please the King. But the
King said that they must answer to the demand. And they asked to
consult together concerning it; and the King bade them take counsel and
make answer incontinently. So they went apart, and with them eleven
Counts and Ricos-omes who were on their side, but no right or reason
could they find for opposing this demand which the Cid had made.
Howbeit Count Don Garcia spake for them and said, Sir, this which the
Cid demands back from them, it is true that he gave it, but they have
expended it in your service; we hold therefore that they are not bound
to make restitution of it, seeing how it hath been expended.
Nevertheless if you hold it to be lawful that they should restore this
money, give order that time be given them to make the payment, and they
will go to Carrion, their inheritance, and there discharge the demand
as you shall decree. When the Count had thus said he sate down. And the
Cid arose and said, Sir, if the Infantes of Carrion have expended aught
in your service, it toucheth not me. You and the Alcaldes whom you have
appointed have heard them admit that I gave them this treasure, and
this excuse which they set up; I pray you let judgment be given whether
they are bound to pay it or not. Then King Don Alfonso answered and
said, If the Infantes of Carrion have expended aught in my service, I
am bound to repay it, for the Cid must not lose what is his own; and he
bade the Alcaldes consult together and judge according to what they
should find right. And the Alcaldes having taken counsel gave judgment,
that seeing the Infantes acknowledged the Cid had given them this
treasure with his daughters, and they had abandoned them, they must
needs make restitution in the Cortes of the King there right: and the
King confirmed this sentence, and the Cid rose and kissed the King's
hand. Greatly were the Infantes of Carrion troubled at this sentence,
and they besought the King that he would obtain time for them from the
Cid, in which to make their payment; and the King besought him to grant
them fifteen days, after this manner, that they should not depart from
the Court till they had made the payment, and that they should plight
homage for the observance of this. And the Cid granted what the King
desired, and they plighted homage accordingly in the hands of the King,
Then made they their account with the King, and it was found that what
they had expended for his service was two hundred marks of silver, and
the King said that he would repay this, so that there remained for them
two thousand and eight hundred to pay. Who can tell the trouble in
which the Infantes were, to pay this treasure to the Cid, they and all
their kindred and friends, for it was full hard for them to accomplish,
And they took up upon trust horses and mules and wrought silver, and
other precious things, and as they could get them, delivered them over
to the Cid. Then might you have seen many a good-going horse brought
there, and many a good mule, and many a good palfrey, and many a good
sword with its mountings. And they sent to Carrion to their father and
mother to help them, for they were in great trouble; and they raised
for them all they could, so that they made up the sum within the time
appointed. And then they thought that the matter was at an end, and
that nothing more would be demanded from them.

Why girls' books still build their dreams around home
CS Lewis built the Chronicles of Narnia around medieval cosmology, it is claimed

Letter: Gender roles in the Cinderella story

Doctors assure us that wherever you find an elderly, pompous old writer long past his prime you will find a bottle of scotch nearby. If only that were the case. Hilly hid mine after I fell up the stairs when I came home from the Garrick yesterday, and I've had to make do with a bottle of Blue Nun I found in the maid's parlour. Not that I am an alcoholic. Dipsomaniacs are a breed of the lower orders you meet on street corners: people like myself are bon viveurs who happen to like a drink. Or 12.

My primary observation is that drinking makes the daily grind of dealing with people so much easier. You drink a pint of whisky and become the life and soul of the party. You then start insulting people, before sweating heavily and wetting yourself involuntarily. You will usually find that everyone quickly avoids you, thereby relieving you of the need to make conversation. This is why I prefer to do much of my drinking at home. It saves so much time.

There are a great many drinks on the market - spirits, wines and beers - and I've probably drunk them all. Usually in some kind of combination with one another. Mixing cocktails is one of my favourite hobbies. Here's one I invented last week for my great sycophant, Christopher Hitchens.

The Hitch

One bottle of Babycham

One bottle of absinthe

Five shots of Angostura very bitters

Two tablespoons of bile

Two or three glasses of this tincture can give you a lifetime of self-satisfaction.

At some time you will probably be forced to invite people to your home and they may expect a drink. My advice is to offer them the cheapest tipple you can find; my local off-licence does a ghastly Mosel at 70p a bottle. I've never cared for even the best wines, and this should guarantee those poncing off you neither ask for top-ups nor stay long, thereby leaving you more money and time for the pub.

It is well known that only the very dullest of petit-bourgeois minds fail to over-imbibe on a daily basis, so I regard hangovers as a price worth paying for my brilliance. That said, I have found ways of coping with this metaphysical malaise. The first is to fuck someone; preferably somebody else's wife, but if your own is the only one around then she will do. The second is to read a book by that little shit Mart; it will either remind you you're not that bad a writer or give you some sleep.

The one downside to drinking is that it can make you fat. This is remedied by cutting out food entirely and drinking all spirits without mixers. My weight has gone down to 19st with this diet. There isn't much more to say, but as I'm being paid by the column I'd better repeat myself. And now that I'm dead, there's no harm in Bloomsbury repackaging the same material several times in the same collection.

I don't really like wine. Gin is for pansies, though a snifter with water doesn't go amiss. Liqueurs are best left to patent-shoed Wops. Or Americans. Champagne is an overrated girl's drink, though it can be drunk with any food; as such, it's a perfect breakfast drink because a scotch before 10am is very non-U.

I loathe pubs with loud music, but my utmost detestation is reserved for sanctimonious ex-topers. There's nothing worse than a man who doesn't drink. I once tried not drinking for several hours and my wives and mistresses said how dull it was that I was conscious and they were spared removing my soiled trousers from my bloated legs.

Whisky is my favourite tipple, though I recommend never giving it to a Welshman as it's wasted on someone with an IQ of less than 80. Have I mentioned that I'm partial to a Macallan? Gosh is that the time? Hilly's coming to change my IV drip before I fall unconscious again. The publisher can bloody well pad out the rest of the book with a pointless quiz without me.

Q: Who will buy this?

A: No one.

The digested read digested: The old pub bore.

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Declining genre spells gloom for publishers
Letter: Adam Phillips's analysis of Cinderella is interesting and, up to a point, plausible.