Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870 by Various
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Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 2, April 9, 1870
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PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 1870.
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THE UMBRELLA. A VIEW OF THE SHADY SIDE OF LIFE.
A ripe pippin falling upon the head of Sir ISAAC NEWTON (a clear case of
hard cider on the brain) suggested the laws of gravitation. An elderly
countryman passing my window this clear bright day, attended by his
faithful umbrella, suggested the following reflections.
The term Umbrella comes from the Latin _umbra_, a shade--the whole
signifying "keep shady."
This definition well describes the nature of the article; for, as it
undoubtedly "keeps shady" in fine weather when the sun is fervent, so it is
apt to "keep shady" in rainy weather, when most wanted.
It is as difficult to say when the umbrella came, or where it came from, as
it is to tell where it goes to. Rumor hath it, however, that it came in
(that is, out of the rain) with NOAH. The story (as given us by an
antiquarian relative) says that when the Ark was built the camelopard was
forgotten, and it was found necessary to cut a hole in the roof to
accommodate the animal's neck. This done, SHEM sat upon the roof and held
an umbrella. SHEM thus _raised_ the umbrella. Then our further
question follows, Where did he raise it? Evidently he raised the umbrella
on the Ark.
These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and
certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the
high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the
umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign
spoken of in history.
The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,
it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a
historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman.
A curious fact is stated with reference to this picture, namely, that
DANIEL so closely resembled the lions in personal appearance that it was
necessary for the showman to state that "DANIEL might easily be
distinguished from the lions on account of the blue cotton umbrella under
his right arm."
For what purpose this umbrella may have been carried we can only surmise.
The most probable theory is, that it was to be used there to intimidate the
lions, as it has since been used toward mad bulls and other ferocious
beasts.
We have now taken hold pretty firmly of what may be called the handle of
the umbrella. We have learned that, as ADAM raised CAIN, NOAH raised the
umbrella, and DANIEL carried one.
We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue
cotton umbrella--undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.
It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that
darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your
company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have
been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house--one that covered the
whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed
as would the tent of an Arab.
We have heard it said that it was the impossibility of two umbrellas of
this nature passing each other on a narrow road which led to the invention
of covered wagons.
There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have
been _under_ it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much
faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here
and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"
there are but few perfect specimens in existence.
The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The
cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the
handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common
kind is the _hooked umbrella_. Most people have hooked umbrellas--or,
if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people
have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one
signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,
reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property.
This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more
important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,
and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the
negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in _Vanity
Fair_, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned
for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no
umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the
umbrella. (We may notice here how closely this decision has been followed,
even down to modern times, and touching other matters than umbrellas.)
This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be
bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal
creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our
right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.
(TO BE CONTINUED.)
* * * * *
Depressing for Chicago.
The Chicago press has given up all hopes of the PRINCE OF WALES since he
has proved his innocence in regard to Lady MORDAUNT. Chicago had begun to
look upon him with mildly patronizing favor, when he was accused of a share
in a really first-class divorce case; but now that his innocence is
established, there is no longer any extenuating circumstance which can
induce Chicago to overlook the infamous crime of his royal birth.
* * * * *
Latest from the Isthmus of Suez.
Of all men, the followers of MOHAMMED are the most candid; since no matter
of what you accuse them, they always acknowledge the Koran.
* * * * *
Right and Left.
Because the P.& O. Directors have suspended their EYRE, we are not called
upon to suspend our anger. We decline to believe that he can justify
himself in leaving the Oneida, however blameless he may have been in the
matter of the collision. Because the Oneida was Left it does not follow
that the Bombay was Right.
[ILLUSTRATION:_Mr. Pugsby_. "I THINK, MY DEAR, WE'VE GIVEN HIM
LAUDANUM ENOUGH. SUPPOSE WE TRY A LITTLE STRYCHNINE?"
_Mrs. Pugsby_. "BUT MIGHTN'T THAT HURT HIM?"]
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
[Illustration]
Mr. BOUCICAULT might properly be called the author of the elementary Drama.
Not because his plays, like elementary lessons in French, are peculiarly
aggravating to the well-regulated mind, but because of his fondness for
employing one of the elements of nature--fire, water, or golden hair--in
the production of the sensation which invariably takes place in the fourth
or fifth act of each of his popular dramas. In the _Streets of
New-York_, he made a hit by firing a building at the spectacularly
disposed audience. In _Formosa_, he gave us a boat-race; and in
_Lost at Sea_, now running at WALLACK'S, he has renewed his former
fondness for playing with fire. The following condensed version of this
play is offered to the readers of PUNCHINELLO, with the assurance that,
though it may be a little more coherent than the unabridged edition, it is
a faithful picture of the sort of thing that Mr. BOUCICAULT, aided and
abetted by Mr. WALLACK, thinks proper to offer to the public.
* * * * *
LOST AT SEA.
ACT I. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "I have embezzled
WALTER CORAM'S money, and he is coming from India to claim it. I am a
ruined man."
_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
we will keep the money."
_Virtuous Banker_. "Thank heaven! I am not found out, and can remain
an honest man as usual."
_Scene_ 2. _Enter Comic Villain_. "I am just released from prison
and must soon meet my wife." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER, CORAM is lost at sea.
Personate him, draw his money, and share it with me."
_Comic Villain_. "I will." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.)
_Scene_ 3. _Enter Miss Effie Germon_. (Aside.) "I am supposed to
be a virtuous and vagabond boy. I hate to show my ankles in ragged
trowsers, but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_)
_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but
there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can
hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. Shall I be untrue to my own unprincipled
-----"
_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "Not so. WALTER CORAM is lost at sea, and
I must leave these valuable boxes in your hands for safe-keeping."
(_Leaves the boxes, and then leaves himself_.)
_Enter Sick Stranger_. "I am WALTER CORAM. Those are my boxes.
Somebody is personating me. Big thing on somebody. Let him go ahead."
(_Curtain_.)
* * * * *
_Young Lady in the Audience_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"
_Accompanying Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in
_Marie Antoinette_. There is a sweetness and light about the great
tragedienne which -----"
_Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man_. "Don't think much of this;
do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day----" _Contiguous and aggrieved Young
Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out_.
ACT II. _Scene_ 1. _Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,
Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker_.
_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
villains having stolen my bootjack."
_Enter Comic Villain, who smashes in his hat, and swears_.
_Original Coram. (Approaching him_.) "This is WALTER CORAM, I believe?
I knew you in India. We boarded together. Don't you remember old FUTTYGHUR
ALLAHABAD, and the rest of our set?"
_Comic Villain, in great mental torture_. "Certainly; of course: I
said so at the time." (_Swears and smashes in his hat_.) (_Exeunt
omnes, in search of Virtuous Banker_.)
_Scene_ 2. _Enter Miss Effie Germon, by climbing over the wall_.
"I hate to climb over the wall and show my ankles in these nasty trowsers,
but I must." (_Shows them. Applause_.)
_Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "Great Heavings! What do I see? My
beloved clerk offering himself to the wealthy heroine? I must faint!"
(_Faints_.)
_Enter aristocratic lover of wealthy heroine, and catches the faintress
in his arms. Wealthy heroine catches him in the act. Tableau of virtuous
indignation_. (_Curtain_)
* * * * *
_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly sweet?"
_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes; but RISTORI----"
_Mighty Young Men_. "Let's go out for drinks."
ACT III. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Daughter of Comic Villain_. "My clerk
is false, and I don't care a straw for him. Consequently, I will drown
myself."
_Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM; but I can't prove it, the
villains having stolen my Calcutta latch-key. Better not drown yourself, my
dear. You'll find it beastly wet. Don't do it." (_She doesn't do it_.)
(_Curtain_.)
* * * * *
_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly beautiful?"
_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. But at her age RISTORI----"
_Heavy old Party murmurs in his sleep of ELLEN TREE. More young men go
out to get drinks_.
ACT IV. _Scene_ 1. _Enter Virtuous Banker_. "All is lost. There
is a run on the bank -----"
_Enter Unprincipled Clerk_. "WALTER CORAM presents check for L7 4 S.
We have no funds. Shall we pay it?"
_Enter Original Coram_. (_Aside_.) "I am WALTER CORAM; but I
can't prove it, the villains having taken my other handkerchief. (_To the
Banker_.) Sir, you once gave me a penny, and you have since embezzled my
fortune. How can I repay such noble conduct? Here is a bag of gold. Take it
and pay your creditors."
_Scene_ 2. _Enter Unprincipled Clerk and Comic Villain_.
_Unprincipled Clerk_. "The original CORAM has turned up. We must turn
him down again. I will burn him in his bed to-night."
_Comic Villain_. "Burn him; but don't attempt any violence." (_Swears
and smashes in his hat_.)
_Scene_ 4. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER COHAM; but I
can't prove it--I forget precisely why. What is this in my coffee? Opium!
It is, by SIVA, VISHNU, and others! They would fain drug my drink. Ha! Ha!
I have drank, eaten, smoked, chewed, and snuffed opium for ninety years. I
like it. So did my parents. I am, so to speak, the child of poppy. Ha! What
do I see? Flames twenty feet high all around me! Can this be fire? The
wretches mean to burn me alive! (_Aside_--And they'll do it too, some
night, if Moss don't keep a sharp look-out after those lazy carpenters.)"
_Enter Miss Effie German_. (_Aside_.) "I must get on the roof and
drag CORAM out. I hate to do it; for I shall have to show my ankles in
these horrid trowsers. But I suppose I must." (_Gets on the roof with
Comic Villain's Daughter, shows ankles, lifts up roof and saves Coram, amid
whirlwinds of applause and smoke.--Curtain_)
* * * * *
_Young Lady before-named_. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON _too_ lovely?"
_Bostonian Youth_. "Yes. RISTORI is, however -----"
_Heavy old Party_. "This fire business is dangerous, sir. Never saw it
done at the old Park. EDMUND KEAN would -----"
ACT V. _Enter Original Coram_. "I am WALTER CORAM. I can now prove it
by simply mentioning the fact. I love the daughter of the Comic Villain,
and will marry her."
_Unprincipled Clerk_. "All is lost except WALTER CORAM, who ought to
be. I will go to Australia, at once." (_He goes_.)
_Comic Villain_, (_smashes his hat over his eyes and swears_).
_Virtuous Banker_. "Bless you, my children. I forgive you all the
injuries I have done you." (_Curtain_.)
* * * * *
_Every body in the audience_. "How do you like--Real fire; STODDAHT'S
faces are--Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is--Real fire; Come and take--Real fire;
JIM WALLACK is always at home in--Real fire; There is nothing in the play
but--Real fire."
_Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer_. "Can I have two seats
for to-morrow night?"
_Treasurer_. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than _Ours_!"
_Misanthropic Critic_. Well! no matter. I only wanted to send my
mother-in-law, knowing that the house must take fire some night. However,
I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.
* * * * *
_Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss_.--Have the fire scene take
place in the first act, and let all the _dramatis personae_ perish in
the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of
STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle
of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S
"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,
are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play.
The sooner Mr. Moss gives up his present flame and returns to his early
love--legitimate comedy--the better.
MATADOR.
* * * * *
HOW TO BEHAVE AT A THEATRE.
MR. PUNCHINELLO: I take it you are willing to receive useful information.
Of course you are--Why? Because, while you may be humorous, you intend also
to be sensible. I have in my day been to the theatre not a little. I have
seen many plays and many audiences. I know--or, at least, think I do--what
is good acting, and--what good manners. Suffer me, then, briefly to give
you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing
for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a
deal--of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.
First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,
whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you
make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid
you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot--especially if you
desire to plunge head foremost into one.
Second. If you have any loud conversation to indulge in, do it while the
play is going on. Possibly it may disturb your neighbors; but you do not
ask them to hear it. Hail Columbia! isn't this a free country? If you have
any private and confidential affairs to talk over, the theatre is the place
in which to do it. Possibly strangers may not comprehend all the bearings;
but that is not your fault. You do your best--who can do better?
Third. If you have an overcoat or any other garment, throw it across the
adjoining or front seat. Never mind any protests of frown or word. Should
not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by
putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique
silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she
shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.
Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If
it makes a great racket--as of course it will--and rolls a score of seats
off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let
these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest
points are being evolved.
Fifth. Of course you carry a cane--a very ponderous cane. What for? To use
it, obviously. Contrive to do so when every body is silent. What's the use
in being demonstrative in a crowd? It don't pay. Besides, you dog, you know
your _forte_ is in being odd. Odd fellow-you. See it in your
brain--only half of one. Make a point to bring down your cane when there is
none, (point, not cane,) and shout out "Good!" or "Bravo!" when you have
reason to believe other people are going to be quiet.
Sixth. Never go in till after a play begins, and invariably leave in the
middle of an act, and in the most engaging scene.
These are but a few hints. However, I trust they are good as far as they
go. I may send you a half-dozen more. In the mean time I remain
Yours, truly,
O. FOGY.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
