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Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 7, May 14, 1870 by Various

V >> Various >> Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 7, May 14, 1870

Pages:
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Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze
and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.





+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| J. NICKINSON |
| |
| begs to announce to the friends of |
| |
| "PUNCHINELLO" |
| |
| residing in the country, that for their convenience, he has |
| made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of |
| |
| ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, |
| |
| the same will be forwarded, postage paid. |
| |
| Parties desiring Catalogues of any of our Publishing Houses |
| can have the same forwarded by inclosing two stamps. |
| |
| OFFICE OF |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., |
| |
| 83 Nassau Street. |
| |
| [P. O. Box 2783.] |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| TO NEWS-DEALERS. |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO'S MONTHLY. |
| |
| THE FIVE NUMBERS FOR APRIL, |
| |
| Bound in a Handsome Cover, |
| |
| Will be ready May 2d. Price, Fifty Cents. |
| |
| THE TRADE |
| |
| SUPPLIED BY THE |
| |
| AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, |
| |
| Who are now prepared to receive Orders. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S |
| |
| STEEL PENS. |
| |
| These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper |
|than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called |
| to the following grades, as being better suited for business |
| purposes than any Pen manufactured. The |
| |
| "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," |
| |
| We recommend for bank and office use. |
| |
| D. APPLETON & CO., |
| |
| Sole Agents for United States. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+





[Illustration: Vol. 1. No. 7.]



PUNCHINELLO



SATURDAY, MAY 14, 1870.


PUBLISHED BY THE

PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,

83 NASSAU STREET, NEW-YORK.


+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| CONANT'S PATENT BINDERS for "Punchinello," to preserve the |
| paper for binding, will be sent, post-paid, on receipt of |
| One Dollar, by "Punchinello Publishing Company," 83 Nassau |
| Street, New-York City. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| See 15th page for Extra Premiums. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| APPLICATIONS FOR ADVERTISING IN |
| |
| "PUNCHINELLO" |
| |
| SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO |
| |
| J. NICKINSON, |
| |
| Room No. 4, |
| |
| 83 NASSAU STREET. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Bazar Book of Decorum. |
| |
| BAZAR BOOK OF DECORUM. The Care of the Person, Manners, |
| Etiquette, and Ceremonials. 16mo, Toned Paper, Cloth, |
| Beveled Edges, $1.00. |
| |
| "The great value of this book to American readers will be |
| found In the fact that it is not merely a useful and |
| trustworthy guide in matters of fashionable etiquette, but |
| also in those make up the daily round of social and domestic |
| life. The subject is treated with a large liberality of view |
| that takes in many of the practical questions arising in |
| every grade of society, in regard to dress, food, exercise, |
| daily habits of the mind and body, etc. The book is divided |
| into three parts, and treats, 1st. of the Care of the |
| Person; 2d, of Manners; 3d, of Etiquette and Ceremonials. |
| Under each head Is given a large amount of information upon |
| points often unconsciously disregarded by Americans. The |
| author tells exactly what people want to know in respect to |
| giving breakfasts and dinners, giving and receiving calls, |
| evening parties, visits of ceremony, addressing notes, |
| letters, invitations, etc., and meets an acknowledged want |
| in a very practical as well as entertaining manner." |
| |
| |
| Published by Harper & Brothers. |
| |
| Sent by mail, Postage Prepaid, on receipt of $1.00. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Thomas J. Rayner & Co., |
| |
| 29 LIBERTY STREET, |
| |
| New-York. |
| |
| MANUFACTURERS OF THE |
| |
| _Finest Cigars made in the United States._ |
| |
| All sizes and styles. Prices very moderate. Samples sent to |
| any responsible house. Also importers of the |
| |
| _"FUSBOS" BRAND,_ |
| |
| Equal in quality to the best of the Havana market, and from |
| ten to twenty per cent cheaper. |
| |
| Restaurant, Bar, Hotel, and Saloon trade will save money by |
| calling at |
| |
| 29 LIBERTY STREET. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Notice to Ladies. |
| |
| DIBBLEE, |
| |
| Of 854 Broadway, |
| |
| Has just received a large assortment of all the latest |
| styles of |
| |
| Chignons, Chatelaines, etc. |
| |
| FROM PARIS, |
| |
| Comprising the following beautiful varieties: |
| La Coquette, La Plenitude, Le Bouquet, |
| La Sirene, L'Imperatrice etc., |
| |
| At prices varying from $2 upward. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| WEVILL & HAMMAR, |
| |
| Wood Engravers, |
| |
| No. 208 BROADWAY, |
| |
| NEW-YORK. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| HERCULES MUTUAL |
| |
| LIFE ASSURANCE SOCIETY |
| |
| OF THE UNITED STATES |
| |
| No. 240 Broadway, New-York. |
| |
| POLICIES NON-FORFEITABLE. |
| |
| All Policies |
| Entitled to Participation in Profits. |
| Dividends Declared Annually. |
| |
| JAMES D. REYMERT, President. |
| |
| ASHER S. MILLS, Secretary. |
| |
| THOMAS H. WHITE, M.D., Medical Examiner. |
| |
| |
| ACTIVE AGENTS WANTED. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| PUNCHINELLO. |
| |
| With a large and varied experience in the management and |
| publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and |
| with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital |
| to Justify the undertaking, the |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. |
| |
| OF THE CITY OF NEW-YORK, |
| |
| Presents to the public tor approval, the |
| |
| NEW ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL |
| |
| WEEKLY PAPER, |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO, |
| |
| The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO will be entirely original; humorous and witty |
| without vulgarity, and satirical without malice. It will be |
| printed on a superior tinted paper of sixteen pages, size 13 |
| 9, and will be for sale by all respectable newsdealers who |
| have the judgment to know a good thing when they see it, or |
| by subscription from this office. |
| |
| ORIGINAL ARTICLES, |
| |
| Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive |
| ideas or sketches for Illustrations, upon the topics of the |
| day, are always acceptable, and will be paid for liberally. |
| |
| Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage |
| stamps are inclosed. |
| |
| |
| Terms: |
|One copy, per year, in advance..........................$4 00 |
| |
| Single copies, ten cents. |
| |
| A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten |
| cents. |
| |
| One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine |
| or paper, price, $2.50, for ........................... 5 50 |
| |
| One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for....7 00 |
| |
| All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to |
| |
| PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., |
| |
| No. 83 Nassau Street, |
| |
| NEW-YORK. |
| |
| P.O. Box, 2783. |
| |
| _(For terms to Clubs, see 16th page.)_ |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Mercantile Library |
| |
| Clinton Hall, Astor Place, |
| |
| NEW-YORK. |
| |
| This is now the largest circulating Library in America, the |
| number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 |
| volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are |
| made of all new and popular works. |
| |
| Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents |
| each delivery. |
| |
| TERMS OF MEMBERSHIP: |
| |
| TO CLERKS, |
| |
| $1 Initiation, $3 Annual Dues. |
| |
| TO OTHERS, $5 a year. |
| |
| SUBSCRIPTIONS TAKEN FOR SIX MONTHS. |
| |
| BRANCH OFFICES |
| |
| AT |
| |
| NO. 76 CEDAR STREET, NEW-YORK, |
| |
| AND AT |
| |
| Yonkers, Norwalk, Stamford, and Elizabeth. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| AMERICAN |
| |
| BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND |
| |
| SEWING-MACHINE CO., |
| |
| 572 and 574 Broadway, New-York. |
| |
| This great combination machine is the last and greatest |
| improvement on all former machines, making, in addition to |
| all the work done on best Lock-Stitch machines, beautiful |
| |
| BUTTON AND EYELET HOLES |
| |
| in all fabrics. |
| |
| Machine, with finely finished |
| |
| OILED WALNUT TABLE AND COVER |
| |
| complete, $75. Same machine, without the buttonhole parts, |
| $60. This last is beyond all question the simplest, easiest |
| to manage and to keep in order, of any machine in the |
| market. Machines warranted, and full instruction given to |
| purchasers. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| HENRY SPEAR, |
| |
| STATIONER, PRINTER, |
| |
| AND |
| |
| BLANK BOOK MANUFACTURER. |
| |
| ACCOUNT BOOKS MADE TO ORDER. |
| |
| PRINTING OF EVERY DESCRIPTION. |
| |
| 82 Wall Street, |
| |
| NEW-YORK. |
| |
+--------------------------------------------------------------+


THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.

BATHOS and pathos are closely allied in sound as well as in sense. Mr.
FECHTER evidently regards them as completely identical; and in his
acting, as in his pronunciation, uniformly prefers the former to the
latter. He has recently exemplified this by his personation of CLAUDE
MELNOTTE, in that most tawdry specimen of the cotton-velvet drama, the
LADY OF LYONS. This melancholy event took place a few nights since at
the French Theatre, that mausoleum of the illegitimate French drama.
Miss CARLOTTA LECLERCQ, an actress who deserves the highest praise, and
who would receive it were it not that a doubt as to the proper
pronunciation of her name prevents the bashful critic from mentioning
her when flushed with the generous enthusiasm of beer, played PAULINE,
and a number of Uncertain People played the dickens with the rest of the
_dramatis personae_. Every one knows the play, and no one cares to hear
how the Uncertain People mangled it. The audience naturally took no
interest in it until the third scene of the first act was reached, and
shouts of "Long live CLAUDE MELNOTTE" were heard from behind the scenes.
After which everybody remarked, "Now he's coming," and rubbed their
lorgnettes with looks of expectation and corners of pocket-handkerchiefs.

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Why girls' books still build their dreams around home
CS Lewis built the Chronicles of Narnia around medieval cosmology, it is claimed

Letter: Gender roles in the Cinderella story

Doctors assure us that wherever you find an elderly, pompous old writer long past his prime you will find a bottle of scotch nearby. If only that were the case. Hilly hid mine after I fell up the stairs when I came home from the Garrick yesterday, and I've had to make do with a bottle of Blue Nun I found in the maid's parlour. Not that I am an alcoholic. Dipsomaniacs are a breed of the lower orders you meet on street corners: people like myself are bon viveurs who happen to like a drink. Or 12.

My primary observation is that drinking makes the daily grind of dealing with people so much easier. You drink a pint of whisky and become the life and soul of the party. You then start insulting people, before sweating heavily and wetting yourself involuntarily. You will usually find that everyone quickly avoids you, thereby relieving you of the need to make conversation. This is why I prefer to do much of my drinking at home. It saves so much time.

There are a great many drinks on the market - spirits, wines and beers - and I've probably drunk them all. Usually in some kind of combination with one another. Mixing cocktails is one of my favourite hobbies. Here's one I invented last week for my great sycophant, Christopher Hitchens.

The Hitch

One bottle of Babycham

One bottle of absinthe

Five shots of Angostura very bitters

Two tablespoons of bile

Two or three glasses of this tincture can give you a lifetime of self-satisfaction.

At some time you will probably be forced to invite people to your home and they may expect a drink. My advice is to offer them the cheapest tipple you can find; my local off-licence does a ghastly Mosel at 70p a bottle. I've never cared for even the best wines, and this should guarantee those poncing off you neither ask for top-ups nor stay long, thereby leaving you more money and time for the pub.

It is well known that only the very dullest of petit-bourgeois minds fail to over-imbibe on a daily basis, so I regard hangovers as a price worth paying for my brilliance. That said, I have found ways of coping with this metaphysical malaise. The first is to fuck someone; preferably somebody else's wife, but if your own is the only one around then she will do. The second is to read a book by that little shit Mart; it will either remind you you're not that bad a writer or give you some sleep.

The one downside to drinking is that it can make you fat. This is remedied by cutting out food entirely and drinking all spirits without mixers. My weight has gone down to 19st with this diet. There isn't much more to say, but as I'm being paid by the column I'd better repeat myself. And now that I'm dead, there's no harm in Bloomsbury repackaging the same material several times in the same collection.

I don't really like wine. Gin is for pansies, though a snifter with water doesn't go amiss. Liqueurs are best left to patent-shoed Wops. Or Americans. Champagne is an overrated girl's drink, though it can be drunk with any food; as such, it's a perfect breakfast drink because a scotch before 10am is very non-U.

I loathe pubs with loud music, but my utmost detestation is reserved for sanctimonious ex-topers. There's nothing worse than a man who doesn't drink. I once tried not drinking for several hours and my wives and mistresses said how dull it was that I was conscious and they were spared removing my soiled trousers from my bloated legs.

Whisky is my favourite tipple, though I recommend never giving it to a Welshman as it's wasted on someone with an IQ of less than 80. Have I mentioned that I'm partial to a Macallan? Gosh is that the time? Hilly's coming to change my IV drip before I fall unconscious again. The publisher can bloody well pad out the rest of the book with a pointless quiz without me.

Q: Who will buy this?

A: No one.

The digested read digested: The old pub bore.

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