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Annie Kilburn by W. D. Howells

W >> W. D. Howells >> Annie Kilburn




"Eleven," said Annie, trying to be gay with the hand-shaking, and wondering
if this were meeting the lower classes on common ground, and what Mr. Peck
would think of it.

"That so?" queried Gates. "Well, I declare! No wonder you've grown!" He
hacked out another laugh, and stood on the curb-stone looking at Annie a
moment. Then he asked, "Anything else, Mrs. Munger?"

"No; that's all. Tell me, Mr. Gates, how _do_ Mr. Peck and Mr. Gerrish
get on?" asked Mrs. Munger in a lower tone.

"Well," said Gates, "he's workin' round--the deacon's workin' round
gradually, I guess. I guess if Mr. Peck was to put in a little more
brimstone, the deacon'd be all right. He's a great hand for brimstone,
you know, the deacon is."

Mrs. Munger laughed again, and then she said, with a proselyting sigh,
"It's a pity you couldn't all find your way into the Church."

"Well, may be it _would_ be a good thing," said Gates, as Mrs. Munger
gathered up her reins and chirped to her pony.

"He isn't a member of Mr. Peck's church," she explained to Annie; "but
he's one of the society, and his wife's very devout Orthodox. He's a great
character, we think, and he'll treat you very well, if you keep on the
right side of him. They say he cheats awfully in the weight, though."




VIII.


Mrs. Munger drove across the street, and drew up before a large, handsomely
ugly brick dry-goods store, whose showy windows had caught Annie's eye the
day she arrived in Hatboro'.

"I see Mrs. Gerrish has got here first," Mrs. Munger said, indicating the
perambulator at the door, and she dismounted and fastened her pony with a
weight, which she took from the front of the phaeton. On either door jamb
of the store was a curved plate of polished metal, with the name GERRISH
cut into it in black letters; the sills of the wide windows were of metal,
and bore the same legend. At the threshold a very prim, ceremonious little
man, spare and straight, met Mrs. Munger with a ceremonious bow, and a
solemn "How do you do, ma'am I how do you do? I hope I see you well," and
he put a small dry hand into the ample clasp of Mrs. Munger's gauntlet.

"Very well indeed, Mr. Gerrish. Isn't it a lovely morning? You know Miss
Kilburn, Mr. Gerrish."

He took Annie's hand into his right and covered it with his left, lifting
his eyes to look her in the, face with an old-merchant-like cordiality.

"Why, yes, indeed! Delighted to see her. Her father was one of my best
friends. I may say that I owe everything that I am to Squire Kilburn; he
advised me to stick to commerce when I once thought of studying law. Glad
to welcome you back to Hatboro', Miss Kilburn. You see changes on the
surface, no doubt, but you'll find the genuine old feeling here. Walk right
back, ladies," he continued, releasing Annie's hand to waft them before
him toward the rear of the store. "You'll find Mrs. Gerrish in my room
there--my Growlery, as I call it." He seemed to think he had invented the
name. "And Mrs. Gerrish tells me that you've really come back," he said,
leaning decorously toward Annie as they walked, "with the intention of
taking up your residence permanently among us. You will find very few
places like Hatboro'."

As he spoke, walking with his hands clasped behind him, he glanced to
right and left at the shop-girls on foot behind the counter, who dropped
their eyes under their different bangs as they caught his glance, and
bridled nervously. He denied them the use of chewing-gum; he permitted no
conversation, as he called it, among them; and he addressed no jokes or
idle speeches to them himself. A system of grooves overhead brought to his
counting-room the cash from the clerks in wooden balls, and he returned the
change, and kept the accounts, with a pitiless eye for errors. The women
were afraid of him, and hated him with bitterness, which exploded at crises
in excesses of hysterical impudence.

His store was an example of variety, punctuality, and quality. Upon the
theory, for which he deserved the credit, of giving to a country place
the advantages of one of the great city establishments, he was gradually
gathering, in their fashion, the small commerce into his hands. He had
already opened his bazaar through into the adjoining store, which he had
bought out, and he kept every sort of thing desired or needed in a country
town, with a tempting stock of articles before unknown to the shopkeepers
of Hatboro'. Everything was of the very quality represented; the prices
were low, but inflexible, and cash payments, except in the case of some
rich customers of unimpeachable credit, were invariably exacted; at the
same time every reasonable facility for the exchange or return of goods was
afforded. Nothing could exceed the justice and fidelity of his dealing with
the public. He had even some effects of generosity in his dealing with his
dependants; he furnished them free seats in the churches of their different
persuasions, and he closed every night at six o'clock, except Saturday,
when the shop hands were paid off, and made their purchases for the coming
week.

He stepped lightly before Annie and Mrs. Munger, and pushed open the
ground-glass door of his office for them. It was like a bank parlour,
except for Mrs. Gerrish sitting in her husband's leather-cushioned swivel
chair, with her last-born in her lap; she greeted the others noisily,
without trying to rise.

"You see we are quite at home here," said Mr. Gerrish.

"Yes, and very snug you are, too," said Mrs. Munger, taking one half of the
leather lounge, and leaving the other half to Annie. "I don't wonder Mrs.
Gerrish likes to visit you here."

Mr. Gerrish laughed, and said to his wife, who moved provisionally in her
chair, seeing he had none, "Sit still, my dear; I prefer my usual perch."
He took a high stool beside a desk, and gathered a ruler in his hand.

"Well, I may as well begin at the beginning," said Mrs. Munger, "and I'll
try to be short, for I know that these are business hours."

"Take all the time you want, Mrs. Munger," said Mr. Gerrish affably. "It's
my idea that a good business man's business can go on without him, when
necessary."

"Of course!" Mrs. Munger sighed. "If everybody had your _system_, Mr.
Gerrish!" She went on and succinctly expounded the scheme of the Social
Union. "I suppose I can't deny that the idea occurred to _me_," she
concluded, "but we can't hope to develop it without the co-operation of the
ladies of Old Hatboro', and I've come, first of all, to Mrs. Gerrish."

Mr. Gerrish bowed his acknowledgments of the honour done his wife, with a
gravity which she misinterpreted.

"I think," she began, with her censorious manner and accent, "that these
people have too much done for them _now_. They're perfectly spoiled.
Don't you, Annie?"

Mr. Gerrish did not give Annie time to answer. "I differ with you, my
dear," he cut in. "It is my opinion--Or I don't know but you wish to
confine this matter entirely to the ladies?" he suggested to Mrs. Munger.

"Oh, I'm only too proud and glad that you feel interested in the matter!"
cried Mrs. Munger. "Without the gentlemen's practical views, we ladies are
such feeble folk--mere conies in the rocks."

"I am as much opposed as Mrs. Gerrish--or any one--to acceding to unjust
demands on the part of my clerks or other employees," Mr. Gerrish began.

"Yes, that's what I mean," said his wife, and broke down with a giggle.

He went on, without regarding her: "I have always made it a rule, as far as
business went, to keep my own affairs entirely in my own hands. I fix the
hours, and I fix the wages, and I fix all the other conditions, and I say
plainly, 'If you don't like them, 'don't come,' or 'don't stay,' and I
never have any difficulty."

"I'm sure," said Mrs. Munger, "that if all the employers in the country
would take such a stand, there would soon be an end of labour troubles. I
think we're too concessive."

"And I do too, Mrs. Munger!" cried Mrs. Gerrish, glad of the occasion to be
censorious and of the finer lady's opinion at the same time. "That's what I
meant. Don't you, Annie?"

"I'm afraid I don't understand exactly," Annie replied.

Mr. Gerrish kept his eye on Mrs. Munger's face, now arranged for indefinite
photography, as he went on. "That is exactly what I say to them. That is
what I said to Mr. Marvin one year ago, when he had that trouble in his
shoe shop. I said, 'You're too concessive.' I said, 'Mr. Marvin, if you
give those fellows an inch, they'll take an ell. Mr. Marvin,' said I,
'you've got to begin by being your own master, if you want to be master of
anybody else. You've got to put your foot down, as Mr. Lincoln said; and as
_I_ say, you've got to _keep_ it down.'"

Mrs. Gerrish looked at the other ladies for admiration, and Mrs. Munger
said, rapidly, without disarranging her face--

"Oh yes. And how much _misery_ could be saved in such cases by a
little firmness at the outset!"

"Mr. Marvin differed with me," said Mr. Gerrish sorrowfully. "He agreed
with me on the main point, but he said that too many of his hands had
been in his regiment, and he couldn't lock them out. He submitted to
arbitration. And what is arbitration?" asked Mr. Gerrish, levelling his
ruler at Mrs. Munger. "It is postponing the evil day."

"Exactly," said Mrs. Munger, without winking.

"Mr. Marvin," Mr. Gerrish proceeded, "may be running very smoothly now,
and sailing before the wind all--all--nicely; but I tell _you_ his
house is built upon the _sand_," He put his ruler by on the desk very
softly, and resumed with impressive quiet: "I never had any trouble but
once. I had a porter in this store who wanted his pay raised. I simply
said that I made it a rule to propose all advances of salary myself, and I
should submit to no dictation from any one. He told me to go to--a place
that I will not repeat, and I told him to walk out of my store. He was
under the influence of liquor at the time, I suppose. I understand that he
is drinking very hard. He does nothing to support his family whatever, and
from all that I can gather, he bids fair to fill a drunkard's grave inside
of six months."

Mrs. Munger seized her opportunity. "Yes; and it is just such cases as this
that the Social Union is designed to meet. If this man had some such place
to spend his evenings--and bring his family if he chose--where he could get
a cup of good coffee for the same price as a glass of rum--Don't you see?"

She looked round at the different faces, and Mr. Gerrish slightly frowned,
as if the vision of the Social Union interposing between his late porter
and a drunkard's grave, with a cup of good coffee, were not to his taste
altogether; but he said: "Precisely so! And I was about to make the remark
that while I am very strict--and obliged to be--with those under me in
business, _no_ one is more disposed to promote such objects as this of
yours."

"I was _sure_ you would approve of it," said Mrs. Munger. "That is
why I came to you--to you and Mrs. Gerrish--first," said Mrs. Munger. "I
was sure you would see it in the right light." She looked round at Annie
for corroboration, and Annie was in the social necessity of making a
confirmatory murmur.

Mr. Gerrish ignored them both in the more interesting work of celebrating
himself. "I may say that there is not an institution in this town which I
have not contributed my humble efforts to--to--establish, from the drinking
fountain in front of this store, to the soldiers' monument on the village
green."

Annie turned red; Mrs. Munger said shamelessly, "That beautiful monument!"
and looked at Annie with eyes full of gratitude to Mr. Gerrish.

"The schools, the sidewalks, the water-works, the free library, the
introduction of electricity, the projected system of drainage, and
_all_ the various religious enterprises at various times, I am
proud--I am humbly proud--that I have been allowed to be the means of
doing--sustaining--"

He lost himself in the labyrinths of his sentence, and Mrs. Munger came to
his rescue: "I fancy Hatboro' wouldn't be Hatboro' without _you_, Mr.
Gerrish! And you _don't_ think that Mr. Peck's objection will be
seriously felt by other leading citizens?"

"_What_ is Mr. Peck's objection?" demanded Mr. Gerrish, perceptibly
bristling up at the name of his pastor.

"Why, he talked it over with Miss Kilburn last night, and he objected
to an entertainment which wouldn't be open to all--to the shop hands and
everybody." Mrs. Munger explained the point fully. She repeated some things
that Annie had said in ridicule of Mr. Peck's position regarding it. "If
you _do_ think that part would be bad or impolitic," Mrs. Munger
concluded, "we could drop the invited supper and the dance, and simply have
the theatricals."

She bent upon Mr. Gerrish a face of candid deference that filled him with
self-importance almost to bursting.

"No!" he said, shaking his head, and "No!" closing his lips abruptly, and
opening them again to emit a final "No!" with an explosive force which
alone seemed to save him. "Not at all, Mrs. Munger; not on any account! I
am surprised at Mr. Peck, or rather I am _not_ surprised. He is not a
practical man--not a man of the world; and I should have much preferred to
hear that he objected to the dancing and the play; I could have understood
that; I could have gone with him in that to a certain extent, though I can
see no harm in such things when properly conducted. I have a great respect
for Mr. Peck; I was largely instrumental in getting him here; but he is
altogether wrong in this matter. We are not obliged to go out into the
highways and the hedges until the bidden guests have--er--declined."

"Exactly," said Mrs. Munger. "I never thought of that."

Mrs. Gerrish shifted her baby to another knee, and followed her husband
with her eyes, as he dismounted from his stool and began to pace the room.

"I came into this town a poor boy, without a penny in my pocket, and I
have made my own way, every inch of it, unaided and alone. I am a thorough
believer in giving every one an equal chance to rise and to--get along; I
would not throw an obstacle in anybody's way; but I do not believe--I do
_not_ believe--in pampering those who have not risen, or have made no
effort to rise."

"It's their wastefulness, in nine cases out of ten, that keeps them down,"
said Mrs. Gerrish.

"I don't care _what_ it is, I don't _ask_ what it is, that keeps
them down. I don't expect to invite my clerks or Mrs. Gerrish's servants
into my parlour. I will meet them at the polls, or the communion table,
or on any proper occasion; but a man's home is _sacred_. I will not
allow my wife or my children to associate with those whose--whose--whose
idleness, or vice, or whatever, has kept them down in a country
where--where everybody stands on an equality; and what I will not do
myself, I will not ask others to do. I make it a rule to do unto others as
I would have them do unto me. It is all nonsense to attempt to introduce
those one-ideaed notions into--put them in practice."

"Yes," said Mrs. Munger, with deep conviction, "that is my own feeling, Mr.
Gerrish, and I'm glad to have it corroborated by your experience. Then you
_wouldn't_ drop the little invited dance and supper?"

"I will tell you how I feel about it, Mrs. Munger," said Mr. Gerrish,
pausing in his walk, and putting on a fine, patronising,
gentleman-of-the-old-school smile. "You may put me down for any number of
tickets--five, ten, fifteen--and you may command me in anything I can do to
further the objects of your enterprise, if you will _keep_ the invited
supper and dance. But I should not be prepared to do anything if they are
dropped."

"What a comfort it is to meet a person who knows his own mind!" exclaimed
Mrs. Munger.

"Got company, Billy?" asked a voice at the door; and it added, "Glad to see
_you_ here, Mrs. Gerrish."

"Ah, Mr. Putney! Come in. Hope I see you well, sir!" cried Mr. Gerrish.
"Come in!" he repeated, with jovial frankness. "Nobody but friends here."

"I don't know about that," said Mr. Putney, with whimsical perversity,
holding the door ajar. "I see that arch-conspirator from South Hatboro',"
he said, looking at Mrs. Munger.

He showed himself, as he stood holding the door ajar, a lank little figure,
dressed with reckless slovenliness in a suit of old-fashioned black; a
loose neck-cloth fell stringing down his shirt front, which his unbuttoned
waistcoat exposed, with its stains from the tobacco upon which his thin
little jaws worked mechanically, as he stared into the room with flamy blue
eyes; his silk hat was pushed back from a high, clear forehead; he had
yesterday's stubble on his beardless cheeks; a heavy moustache and imperial
gave dash to a cast of countenance that might otherwise have seemed slight
and effeminate.

"Yes; but I'm in charge of Miss Kilburn, and you needn't be afraid of me.
Come in. We wish to consult you," cried Mrs. Munger. Mrs. Gerrish cackled
some applausive incoherencies.

Putney advanced into the room, and dropped his burlesque air as he
approached Annie.

"Miss Kilburn, I must apologise for not having called with Mrs. Putney to
pay my respects. I have been away; when I got back I found she had stolen
a march on me. But I'm going to make Ellen bring me at once. I don't think
I've been in your house since the old Judge's time. Well, he was an able
man, and a good man; I was awfully fond of the old Judge, in a boy's way."

"Thank you," said Annie, touched by something gentle and honest in his
words.

"He was a Christian gentleman," said Mr. Gerrish. with authority.

Putney said, without noticing Mr. Gerrish, "Well, I'm glad you've come back
to the old place, Miss Kilburn--I almost said Annie."

"I shouldn't have minded, Ralph," she retorted.

"Shouldn't you? Well, that's right." Putney continued, ignoring the
laugh of the others at Annie's sally: "You'll find Hatboro' pretty
exciting, after Rome, for a while, I suppose. But you'll get used to
it. It's got more of the modern improvements, I'm told, and it's more
public-spirited--more snap to it. I'm told that there's more enterprise in
Hatboro', more real _crowd_ in South Hatboro' alone, than there is in
the Quirinal and the Vatican put together."

"You had better come and live at South Hatboro', Mr. Putney; that would be
just the atmosphere for you," said Mrs. Munger, with aimless hospitality.
She said this to every one.

"Is it about coming to South Hatboro' you want to consult me?" asked
Putney.

"Well, it is, and it isn't," she began.

"Better be honest, Mrs. Munger," said Putney. "You can't do anything for
a client who won't be honest with his attorney. That's what I have to
continually impress upon the reprobates who come to me. I say, 'It don't
matter what you've done; if you expect me to get you off, you've got to
make a clean breast of it.' They generally do; they see the sense of it."

They all laughed, and Mr. Gerrish said, "Mr. Putney is one of Hatboro's
privileged characters, Miss Kilburn."

"Thank you, Billy," returned the lawyer, with mock-tenderness. "Now, Mrs.
Munger, out with it!"

"You'll have to tell him sooner or later, Mrs. Munger!" said Mrs. Gerrish,
with overweening pleasure in her acquaintance with both of these superior
people. "He'll get it out of you anyway." Her husband looked at her, and
she fell silent.

Mrs. Munger swept her with a tolerant smile as she looked up at Putney.
"Why, it's really Miss Kilburn's affair," she began; and she laid the case
before the lawyer with a fulness that made Annie wince.

Putney took a piece of tobacco from his pocket, and tore off a morsel with
his teeth. "Excuse me, Annie! It's a beastly habit. But it's saved me from
something worse. _You_ don't know what I've been; but anybody in
Hatboro' can tell you. I made my shame so public that it's no use trying
to blink the past. You don't have to be a hypocrite in a place where
everybody's seen you in the gutter; that's the only advantage I've got over
my fellow-citizens, and of course I abuse it; that's nature, you know. When
I began to pull up I found that tobacco helped me; I smoked and chewed
both; now I only chew. Well," he said, dropping the pathetic simplicity
with which he had spoken, and turning with a fierce jocularity from the
shocked and pitying look in Annie's face to Mrs. Munger, "what do you
propose to do? Brother Peck's head seems to be pretty level, in the
abstract."

"Yes," said Mrs. Munger, willing to put the case impartially; "and I should
be perfectly willing to drop the invited dance and supper, if it was
thought best, though I must say I don't at all agree with Mr. Peck in
principle. I don't see what would become of society."

"You ought to be in politics, Mrs. Munger," said Putney. "Your readiness to
sacrifice principle to expediency shows what a reform will be wrought when
you ladies get the suffrage. What does Brother Gerrish think?"

"No, no," said Mrs. Munger. "We want an impartial opinion."

"I always think as Brother Gerrish thinks," said Putney. "I guess you
better give up the fandango; hey, Billy?"

"No, sir; no, Mr. Putney," answered the merchant nervously. "I can't agree
with you. And I will tell you why, sir."

He gave his reasons, with some abatement of pomp and detail, and with the
tremulous eagerness of a solemn man who expects a sarcastic rejoinder. "It
would be a bad precedent. This town is full now of a class of persons who
are using every opportunity to--to abuse their privileges. And this would
be simply adding fuel to the flame."

"Do you really think so, Billy ?" asked the lawyer, with cool derision.
"Well, we all abuse our privileges at every opportunity, of course; I was
just saying that I abused mine; and I suppose those fellows would abuse
theirs if you happened to hurt their wives' and daughters' feelings. And
how are you going to manage? Aren't you afraid that they will hang around,
after the show, indefinitely, unless you ask all those who have not
received invitations to the dance and supper to clear the grounds, as they
do in the circus when the minstrels are going to give a performance not
included in the price of admission? Mind, I don't care anything about your
Social Union."

"Oh, but _surely_!" cried Mrs. Munger, "you _must_ allow that
it's a good object."

"Well, perhaps it is, if it will keep the men away from the rum-holes. Yes,
I guess it is. You won't sell liquor?"

"We expect to furnish coffee at cost price," said Mrs. Munger, smiling at
Putney's joke.

"And good navy-plug too, I hope. But you see it would be rather awkward,
don't you? You see, Annie?"

"Yes, I see," said Annie. "I hadn't thought of that part before."

"And you didn't agree with Brother Peck on general principles? There we
see the effect of residence abroad," said Putney. "The uncorrupted--or
I will say the uninterrupted--Hatborian has none of those aristocratic
predilections of yours, Annie. He grows up in a community where there is
neither poverty nor richness, and where political economy can show by the
figures that the profligate shop hands get nine-tenths of the profits, and
starve on 'em, while the good little company rolls in luxury on the other
tenth. But you've got used to something different over there, and of course
Brother Peck's ideas startled you. Well, I suppose I should have been just
so myself."

"Mr. Putney has never felt just right about the working-men since he lost
the boycotters' case," said Mr. Gerrish, with a snicker.

"Oh, come now, Billy, why did you give me away?" said Putney, with mock
suffering. "Well, I suppose I might as well own up, Mrs. Munger; it's no
use trying to keep it from _you_; you know it already. Yes, Annie, I
defended some poor devils here for combining to injure a non-union man--for
doing once just what the big manufacturing Trusts do every day of the year
with impunity; and I lost the case. I expected to. I told 'em they were
wrong, but I did my best for 'em. 'Why, you fools,' said I--that's the way
I talk to 'em, Annie; I call 'em pet names; they like it; they're used to
'em; they get 'em every day in the newspapers--'you fools,' said I, 'what
do you want to boycott for, when you can _vote_? What do you want to
break the laws for, when you can _make_ 'em? You idiots, you,' said I,
'what do you putter round for, persecuting non-union men, that have as good
a right to earn their bread as you, when you might make the whole United
States of America a Labour Union?' Of course I didn't say that in court."

"Oh, how delicious you are, Mr. Putney!" said Mrs. Munger.

"Glad you like me, Mrs. Munger," Putney replied.

"Yes, you're delightful," said the lady, recovering from the effects of
the drollery which they had all pretended to enjoy, Mr. Gerrish, and Mrs.
Gerrish by his leave, even more than the others. "But you're not candid.
All this doesn't help us to a conclusion. Would you give up the invited
dance and supper, or wouldn't you? That's the question."

"And no shirking, hey?" asked Putney.

"No shirking."

Putney glanced through a little transparent space in the ground-glass
windows framing the room, which Mr. Gerrish used for keeping an eye on his
sales-ladies to see that they did not sit down.

Letter: Gender roles in the Cinderella story

Doctors assure us that wherever you find an elderly, pompous old writer long past his prime you will find a bottle of scotch nearby. If only that were the case. Hilly hid mine after I fell up the stairs when I came home from the Garrick yesterday, and I've had to make do with a bottle of Blue Nun I found in the maid's parlour. Not that I am an alcoholic. Dipsomaniacs are a breed of the lower orders you meet on street corners: people like myself are bon viveurs who happen to like a drink. Or 12.

My primary observation is that drinking makes the daily grind of dealing with people so much easier. You drink a pint of whisky and become the life and soul of the party. You then start insulting people, before sweating heavily and wetting yourself involuntarily. You will usually find that everyone quickly avoids you, thereby relieving you of the need to make conversation. This is why I prefer to do much of my drinking at home. It saves so much time.

There are a great many drinks on the market - spirits, wines and beers - and I've probably drunk them all. Usually in some kind of combination with one another. Mixing cocktails is one of my favourite hobbies. Here's one I invented last week for my great sycophant, Christopher Hitchens.

The Hitch

One bottle of Babycham

One bottle of absinthe

Five shots of Angostura very bitters

Two tablespoons of bile

Two or three glasses of this tincture can give you a lifetime of self-satisfaction.

At some time you will probably be forced to invite people to your home and they may expect a drink. My advice is to offer them the cheapest tipple you can find; my local off-licence does a ghastly Mosel at 70p a bottle. I've never cared for even the best wines, and this should guarantee those poncing off you neither ask for top-ups nor stay long, thereby leaving you more money and time for the pub.

It is well known that only the very dullest of petit-bourgeois minds fail to over-imbibe on a daily basis, so I regard hangovers as a price worth paying for my brilliance. That said, I have found ways of coping with this metaphysical malaise. The first is to fuck someone; preferably somebody else's wife, but if your own is the only one around then she will do. The second is to read a book by that little shit Mart; it will either remind you you're not that bad a writer or give you some sleep.

The one downside to drinking is that it can make you fat. This is remedied by cutting out food entirely and drinking all spirits without mixers. My weight has gone down to 19st with this diet. There isn't much more to say, but as I'm being paid by the column I'd better repeat myself. And now that I'm dead, there's no harm in Bloomsbury repackaging the same material several times in the same collection.

I don't really like wine. Gin is for pansies, though a snifter with water doesn't go amiss. Liqueurs are best left to patent-shoed Wops. Or Americans. Champagne is an overrated girl's drink, though it can be drunk with any food; as such, it's a perfect breakfast drink because a scotch before 10am is very non-U.

I loathe pubs with loud music, but my utmost detestation is reserved for sanctimonious ex-topers. There's nothing worse than a man who doesn't drink. I once tried not drinking for several hours and my wives and mistresses said how dull it was that I was conscious and they were spared removing my soiled trousers from my bloated legs.

Whisky is my favourite tipple, though I recommend never giving it to a Welshman as it's wasted on someone with an IQ of less than 80. Have I mentioned that I'm partial to a Macallan? Gosh is that the time? Hilly's coming to change my IV drip before I fall unconscious again. The publisher can bloody well pad out the rest of the book with a pointless quiz without me.

Q: Who will buy this?

A: No one.

The digested read digested: The old pub bore.

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Jury clears judge of libelling mother
Sales of 'misery memoirs' fall after they boomed beyond all expectations since Dave Pelzer wrote A Child Called It

Constance Briscoe wins Ugly libel case

A judge who was sued for libel by her mother over allegations of childhood cruelty and neglect in her bestselling "misery memoir" won her case yesterday.

Constance Briscoe burst into tears at the high court in London as a jury unanimously cleared her and publishers Hodder & Stoughton over the claims in Ugly, which her mother Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, 74, had alleged were a "piece of fiction".

During the 10-day trial, Briscoe, 51, who was one of the first black women judges in the UK, told the court her mother repeatedly beat her with a stick for bed-wetting and called her a "dirty little whore", a "potato-head" and "miss piss-a-bed".

She described trying to kill herself by drinking diluted bleach after failing to get taken into care, and told the jury she used a university grant to have plastic surgery to remove the "ugliness" her mother had taunted her over.

Briscoe, of Clapham, south London, also said that when she was nine, her mother had deliberately cut her on the inside of her arm with a knife in a row over the preparation of a chicken.

Ugly, published in 2006, has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK. Briscoe and Hodder & Stoughton had denied libel and said the book was substantially true. Andrew Caldecott QC, for Briscoe, said the events occurred between 1964 and 1975.

Briscoe-Mitchell, from Southwark, south-east London, left court without making any immediate comment about her legal defeat. During the trial she had denied all the allegations of verbal and physical abuse and claimed she and her daughter had enjoyed a loving relationship within a happy family.

Her counsel, William Panton, told the jury Briscoe was "spinning a yarn", claiming his client had struggled to bring up her 11 children and had provided for them equally to the best of her ability.

Outside court, Briscoe told reporters she was "very happy" with the jury's verdict, which came after more than a day of deliberation.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me," she said. "Now I just want to get on with my career. I would like to thank all my readers who have sent me messages of support, including the very many children who provided helpful advice.

"I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors it should never be swept under the carpet."

Hodder & Stoughton said it was pleased with the verdict. "We are very proud to be Constance Briscoe's publisher," a statement said. "Her books Ugly and Beyond Ugly have touched hundreds of thousands of readers, many of them children. Sadly, as we know from the news over the past few weeks, child abuse is all too common and nothing and no one should ever stand in the way of the truth."

Asked during the trial why she wrote the book, Briscoe said: "I didn't believe for a split second that I owed my mother a bond of silence. I don't. I had a story to tell and that story really is that I, someone who from dirt poverty, from absolutely nowhere, with absolutely no assistance whatsoever, who faced adversity at every turn, could come through."

The court heard she had cleaned offices for two hours every day before school until her studies took her to Newcastle University, the criminal bar and, eventually, to become one of the country's few black women judges.

"I wanted to say to whoever read the book ... you can be whatever you want to be," Briscoe said. "You just have to believe in yourself ... you do not have to be posh or privileged to be at the Bar.

"You just need to believe in yourself and I truly, truly believe that my book has done an enormous amount of good."

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