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Sidonia The Sorceress V1 by William Mienhold

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SIDONIA THE SORCERESS


THE SUPPOSED DESTROYER OF THE WHOLE REIGNING DUCAL HOUSE OF
POMERANIA

TRANSLATED BY LADY WILDE

MARY SCHWEIDLER


THE AMBER WITCH

BY

WILLIAM MEINHOLD DOCTOR OF THEOLOGY

IN TWO VOLUMES VOL. I.

1894



DEDICATION OF THE GERMAN EDITION.

TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS

_LADY LUCY DUFF GORDON,_

THE

YOUNG AND GIFTED TRANSLATOR

OF

_"THE AMBER WITCH,"_

THIS WORK IS RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED.




PREFACE

Amongst all the trials for witchcraft with which we are
acquainted, few have attained so great a celebrity as that of the
Lady Canoness of Pomerania, Sidonia von Bork. She was accused of
having by her sorceries caused sterility in many families,
particularly in that of the ancient reigning house of Pomerania,
and also of having destroyed the noblest scions of that house by
an early and premature death. Notwithstanding the intercessions
and entreaties of the Prince of Brandenburg and Saxony, and of the
resident Pomeranian nobility, she was publicly executed for these
crimes on the 19th of August 1620, on the public scaffold, at
Stettin; the only favour granted being, that she was allowed to be
beheaded first and then burned.

This terrible example caused such a panic of horror, that
contemporary authors scarcely dare to mention her name, and, even
then, merely by giving the initials. This forbearance arose partly
from respect towards the ancient family of the Von Borks, who
then, as now, were amongst the most illustrious and wealthy in the
land, and also from the fear of offending the reigning ducal
family, as the Sorceress, in her youth, had stood in a very near
and tender relation to the young Duke Ernest Louis von
Pommern-Wolgast.

These reasons will be sufficiently comprehensible to all who are
familiar with the disgust and aversion in which the paramours of
the evil one were held in that age, so that even upon the rack
these subjects were scarcely touched upon.

The first public, judicial, yet disconnected account of Sidonia's
trial, we find in the Pomeranian Library of Daehnert, fourth
volume, article 7, July number of the year 1755.

Daehnert here acknowledges, page 241, that the numbers from 302 to
1080, containing the depositions of the witnesses, were not
forthcoming up to his time, but that a priest in Pansin, near
Stargard, by name Justus Sagebaum, pretended to have them in his
hands, and accordingly, in the fifth volume of the above-named
journal (article 4, of April 1756), some very important extracts
appear from them.

The records, however, again disappeared for nearly a century,
until Barthold announced, some short time since, [Footnote:
"History of Rugen and Pomerania," vol. iv. p. 486.] that he had at
length discovered them in the Berlin Library; but he does not say
which, for, according to Schwalenberg, who quotes Daehnert, there
existed two or three different copies, namely, the _Protocollum
Jodoci Neumarks,_ the so-called _Acta Lothmanni,_ and that
of _Adami Moesters,_ contradicting each other in the most
important matters. Whether I have drawn the history of my Sidonia
from one or other of the above-named sources, or from some
entirely new, or, finally, from that alone which is longest known,
I shall leave undecided.

Every one who has heard of the animadversions which "The Amber
Witch" excited, many asserting that it was only dressed-up
history, though I repeatedly assured them it was simple fiction,
will pardon me if I do not here distinctly declare whether Sidonia
be history or fiction.

The truth of the material, as well as of the formal contents, can
be tested by any one by referring to the authorities I have named;
and in connection with these, I must just remark, that in order to
spare the reader any difficulties which might present themselves
to eye and ear, in consequence of the old-fashioned mode of
writing, I have modernised the orthography, and amended the
grammar and structure of the phrases. And lastly, I trust that all
just thinkers of every party will pardon me for having here and
there introduced my supernatural views of Christianity. A man's
principles, as put forward in his philosophical writings, are in
general only read by his own party, and not by that of his
adversaries. A Rationalist will fly from a book by a
Supernaturalist as rapidly as this latter from one by a Friend of
Light. But by introducing my views in the manner I have adopted,
in place of publishing them in a distinct volume, I trust that all
parties will be induced to peruse them, and that many will find,
not only what is worthy their particular attention, but matter for
deep and serious reflection.

I must now give an account of those portraits of Sidonia which are
extant.

As far as I know, three of these (besides innumerable sketches)
exist, one in Stettin, the other in the lower Pomeranian town
Plathe, and a third at Stargard, near Regenwalde, in the castle of
the Count von Bork. I am acquainted only with the last-named
picture, and agree with many in thinking that it is the only
original.

Sidonia is here represented in the prime of mature beauty--a gold
net is drawn over her almost golden yellow hair, and her neck,
arms, and hands are profusely covered with jewels. Her bodice of
bright purple is trimmed with costly fur, and the robe is of azure
velvet. In her hand she carries a sort of pompadour of brown
leather, of the most elegant form and finish. Her eyes and mouth
are not pleasing, notwithstanding their great beauty--in the
mouth, particularly, one can discover an expression of cold
malignity.

The painting is beautifully executed, and is evidently of the
school of Louis Kranach.

Immediately behind this form there is another looking over the
shoulder of Sidonia, like a terrible spectre (a highly poetical
idea), for this spectre is Sidonia herself painted as a Sorceress.
It must have been added, after a lapse of many years, to the
youthful portrait, which belongs, as I have said, to the school of
Kranach, whereas the second figure portrays unmistakably the
school of Rubens. It is a fearfully characteristic painting, and
no imagination could conceive a contrast more shudderingly awful.
The Sorceress is arrayed in her death garments--white with black
stripes; and round her thin white locks is bound a narrow band of
black velvet spotted with gold. In her hand is a kind of a
work-basket, but of the simplest workmanship and form.

Of the other portraits I cannot speak from my own personal
inspection; but to judge by the drawings taken from them to which
I have had access, they appear to differ completely, not only in
costume, but in the character of the countenance, from the one I
have described, which there is no doubt must be the original, not
only because it bears all the characteristics of that school of
painting which approached nearest to the age in which Sidonia
lived--namely, from 1540 to 1620--but also by the fact that a
sheet of paper bearing an inscription was found behind the
painting, betraying evident marks of age in its blackened colour,
the form of the letters, and the expressions employed. The
inscription is as follows:--

"This Sidonia von Bork was in her youth the most beautiful and the
richest of the maidens of Pomerania. She inherited many estates
from her parents, and thus was in her own right a possessor almost
of a county. So her pride increased, and many noble gentlemen who
sought her in marriage were rejected with disdain, as she
considered that a count or prince alone could be worthy of her
hand. For these reasons she attended the Duke's court frequently,
in the hopes of winning over one of the seven young princes to her
love. At length she was successful; Duke Ernest Louis von Wolgast,
aged about twenty, and the handsomest youth in Pomerania, became
her lover, and even promised her his hand in marriage. This
promise he would faithfully have kept if the Stettin princes, who
were displeased at the prospect of this unequal alliance, had not
induced him to abandon Sidonia, by means of the portrait of the
Princess Hedwig of Brunswick, the most beautiful princess in all
Germany. Sidonia thereupon fell into such despair, that she
resolved to renounce marriage for ever, and bury the remainder of
her life in the convent of Marienfliess, and thus she did. But the
wrong done to her by the Stettin princes lay heavy upon her heart,
and the desire for revenge increased with years; besides, in place
of reading the Bible, her private hours were passed studying the
_Amadis_, wherein she found many examples of how forsaken
maidens have avenged themselves upon their false lovers by means
of magic. So she at last yielded to the temptations of Satan, and
after some years learned the secrets of witchcraft from an old
woman. By means of this unholy knowledge, along with several other
evil deeds, she so bewitched the whole princely race that the six
young princes, who were each wedded to a young wife, remained
childless; but no public notice was taken until Duke Francis
succeeded to the duchy in 1618. He was a ruthless enemy to
witches; all in the land were sought out with great diligence and
burned, and as they unanimously named the Abbess of Marienfliess
[Footnote: Sidonia never attained this dignity, though Micraelius
and others gave her the title.] upon the rack, she was brought to
Stettin by command of the Duke, where she freely confessed all the
evil wrought by her sorceries upon the princely race.

"The Duke promised her life and pardon if she would free the other
princes from the ban; but her answer was that she had enclosed the
spell in a padlock, and flung it into the sea, and having asked
the devil if he could restore the padlock again to her, he
replied, 'No; that was forbidden to him;' by which every one can
perceive that the destiny of God was in the matter.

"And so it was that, notwithstanding the intercession of all the
neighbouring courts, Sidonia was brought to the scaffold at
Stettin, there beheaded, and afterwards burned.

"Before her death the Prince ordered her portrait to be painted,
in her old age and prison garb, behind that which represented her
in the prime of youth. After his death, Bogislaff XIV., the last
Duke, gave this picture to my grandmother, whose husband had also
been killed by the Sorceress. My father received it from her, and
I from him, along with the story which is here written down.

"HENRY GUSTAVUS SCHWALENBERG."

[Footnote: The style of this "Inscription" proves it to have been
written in the beginning of the preceding century, but it is first
noticed by Daehnert. I have had his version compared with the
original in Stargord--through the kindness of a friend, who
assures me that the transcription is perfectly correct, and yet
can he be mistaken? for Horst (Magic Library, vol. ii. p. 246),
gives the conclusion thus: "From whom my father received it, and I
from him, along with the story precisely as given here by H. G.
Schwalenberg." By this reading, which must have escaped my friend,
a different sense is given to the passage; by the last reading it
would appear that the "I" was a Bork, who had taken the tale from
Schwalenberg's history of the Pomeranian Dukes, a work which
exists only in manuscript, and to which I have had no access; but
if we admit the first reading, then the writer must be a
Schwalenberg. Even the "grandmother" will not clear up the matter,
for Sidonia, when put to the torture, confessed, at the seventh
question, that she had caused the death of Doctor Schwalenberg (he
was counsellor in Stettin then), and at the eleventh question,
that her brother's son, Otto Bork, had died also by her means. Who
then is this "I"? Even Sidonia's picture, we see, utters
mysteries.

In my opinion the writer was Schwalenberg, and Horst seems to have
taken his version from Paulis's "General History of Pomerania,"
vol. iv. p. 396, and not from the original of Daehnert.

For the picture at that early period was not in the possession of
a Bork, but belonged to the Count von Mellin in Schillersdorf, as
passages from many authors can testify. This is confirmed by
another paper found along with that containing the tradition, but
of much more modern appearance, which states that the picture was
removed by successive inheritors, first from Schillersdorf to
Stargord, from thence to Heinrichsberg (there are three towns in
Pomerania of this name), and finally from Heinrichsberg, in the
year 1834, was a second time removed to Stargord by the last
inheritor.

This Schillersdorf lies between Gartz and Stettin on the Oder.
WILLIAM MEINHOLD.]


LETTER OF DR. THEODORE PLOeNNIES

TO BOGISLAFF THE FOURTEENTH, THE LAST DUKE OF POMERANIA.

MOST EMINENT PRINCE AND GRACIOUS LORD,--Serene Prince, your
Highness gave me a commission in past years to travel through all
Pomerania, and if I met with any persons who could give me certain
"information" respecting the notorious and accursed witch Sidonia
von Bork, to set down carefully all they stated, and bring it
afterwards into _connexum_ for your Highness. It is well
known that Duke Francis, of blessed memory, never would permit the
accursed deeds of this woman to be made public, or her confession
upon the rack, fearing to bring scandal upon the princely house.
But your Serene Highness viewed the subject differently, and said
that it was good for every one, but especially princes, to look
into the clear mirror of history, and behold there the faults and
follies of their race. For this reason may no truth be omitted
here.

To such princely commands I have proved myself obedient,
collecting all information, whether good or evil, and concealing
nothing. But the greater number who related these things to me
could scarcely speak for tears, for wherever I travelled
throughout Pomerania, as the faithful servant of your Highness,
nothing was heard but lamentations from old and young, rich and
poor, that this execrable Sorceress, out of Satanic wickedness,
had destroyed this illustrious race, who had held their lands from
no emperor, in feudal tenure, like other German princes, but in
their own right, as absolute lords, since five hundred years, and
though for twenty years it seemed to rest upon five goodly
princes, yet by permission of the incomprehensible God, it has now
melted away until your Highness stands the last of his race, and
no prospect is before us that it will ever be restored, but with
your Highness (God have mercy upon us!) will be utterly
extinguished, and for ever. "Woe to us, how have we sinned!"
(Lament, v. 16). [Footnote: Marginal note of Duke Bogislaff
XIV.-"In tuas manus commendo spiritum meum, quia tu me redemisti
fide deus,"]

I pray therefore the all-merciful God, that He will remove me
before your Highness from this vale of tears, that I may not
behold the last hour of your Highness or of my poor fatherland.
Rather than witness these things, I would a thousand times sooner
lie quiet in my grave.



CONTENTS

SIDONIA THE SORCERESS.

BOOK I.

_FROM THE RECEPTION OF SIDONIA AT THE DUCAL COURT OF WOLGAST
UNTIL HER BANISHMENT THEREFROM._


CHAPTER I.

Of the education of Sidonia.

CHAPTER II.

Of the bear-hunt at Stramehl, and the strange things that befell
there.

CHAPTER III.

How Otto von Bork received the homage of his son-in-law, Vidante
von Meseritz--And how the bride and bridegroom proceeded
afterwards to the chapel--Item, what strange things happened at
the wedding-feast.

CHAPTER IV.

How Sidonia came to the court at Wolgast, and of what further
happened to her there.

CHAPTER V.

Sidonia knows nothing of God's Word, but seeks to learn it from
the young Prince of Wolgast.

CHAPTER VI.

How the young Prince prepared a petition to his mother, the
Duchess, in favour of Sidonia--Item, of the strange doings of the
Laplander with his magic drum.

CHAPTER VII.

How Ulrich von Schwerin buries his spouse, and Doctor Gerschovius
comforts him out of God's Word.

CHAPTER VIII.

How Sidonia rides upon the pet stag, and what evil consequences
result therefrom.

CHAPTER IX.

How Sidonia makes the young Prince break his word--Item, how Clara
von Dewitz in vain tries to turn her from her evil ways.

CHAPTER X.

How Sidonia wished to learn the mystery of love-potions, but is
hindered by Clara and the young Prince.

CHAPTER XI.

How Sidonia repeated the catechism of Dr. Gerschovius, and how she
whipped the young Casimir, out of pure evil-mindedness.

CHAPTER XII.

Of Appelmann's knavery--Item, how the birthday of her Highness was
celebrated, and Sidonia managed to get to the dance, with the
uproar caused thereby.

CHAPTER XIII.

How Sidonia is sent away to Stettin--Item, of the young lord's
dangerous illness, and what happened in consequence.

CHAPTER XIV.

How Duke Barnim of Stettin and Otto Bork accompany Sidonia back to
Wolgast.

CHAPTER XV.

Of the grand battue, and what the young Duke and Sidonia resolved
on there.

CHAPTER XVI.

How the ghost continued to haunt the castle, and of its daring
behaviour--Item, how the young lord regained his strength, and was
able to visit Crummyn, with what happened to him there.

CHAPTER XVII.

Of Ulrich's counsels--Item, how Clara von Dewitz came upon the
track of the ghost.

CHAPTER XVIII.

How the horrible wickedness of Sidonia was made apparent; and how
in consequence thereof she was banished with ignominy from the
ducal court of Wolgast.



BOOK II.

_FROM THE BANISHMENT OF SIDONIA FROM THE DUCAL COURT OF WOLGAST
UP TO HER RECEPTION IN THE CONVENT OF MARIENFLIESS._

CHAPTER I.

Of the quarrel between Otto Bork and the Stargardians, which
caused him to demand the dues upon the Jena.

CHAPTER II.

How Otto von Bork demands the Jena dues from the Stargardians, and
how the burgomaster Jacob Appelmann takes him prisoner, and locks
him up in the Red Sea.

CHAPTER III.

Of Otto Bork's dreadful suicide--Item, how Sidonia and Johann
Appelmann were brought before the burgomaster.

CHAPTER IV.

How Sidonia meets Claude Uckermann again, and solicits him to wed
her--Item, what he answered, and how my gracious Lord of Stettin
received her.

CHAPTER V.

How they went on meantime at Wolgast--Item, of the Diet at Wollin,
and what happened there.

CHAPTER VI.

How Sidonia is again discovered with the groom, Johann Appelmann.

CHAPTER VII.

Of the distress in Pomeranian land--Item, how Sidonia and Johann
Appelmann determine to join the robbers in the vicinity of
Stargard.

CHAPTER VIII.

How Johann and Sidonia meet an adventure at Alten Damm--Item, of
their reception by the robber-band.

CHAPTER IX.

How his Highness, Duke Barnim the elder, went a-hawking at
Marienfliess--Item, of the shameful robbery at Zachan, and how
burgomaster Appelmann remonstrates with his abandoned son.

CHAPTER X.

How the robbers attack Prince Ernest and his bride in the
Uckermann forest, and Marcus Bork and Dinnies Kleist come to their
rescue.

CHAPTER XI.

Of the ambassadors in the tavern of Mutzelburg--Item, how the
miller, Konnemann, is discovered, and made by Dinnies Kleist to
act as guide to the robber cave, where they find all the
women-folk lying apparently dead, through some devil's magic of
the gipsy mother.

CHAPTER XII.

How the peasants in Marienfliess want to burn a witch, but are
hindered by Johann Appelmann and Sidonia, who discover an old
acquaintance in the witch, the girl Wolde Albrechts.

CHAPTER XIII.

Of the adventure with the boundary lads, and how one of them
promises to admit Johann Appelmann into the castle of Daber that
same night--Item, of what befell amongst the guests at the castle.

CHAPTER XIV.

How the knave Appelmann seizes his Serene Eminence Duke Johann by
the throat, and how his Grace and the whole castle are saved by
Marcus Bork and his young bride Clara; also, how Sidonia at last
is taken prisoner.

CHAPTER XV.

How Sidonia demeans herself at the castle of Saatzig, and how
Clara forgets the injunctions of her beloved husband, when he
leaves her to attend the Diet at Wollin, on the subject of the
courts--Item, how the Serene Prince Duke Johann Frederick beheads
his court fool with a sausage.

CHAPTER XVI.

How Sidonia makes poor Clara appear quite dead, and of the great
mourning at Saatzig over her burial, while Sidonia dances on her
coffin and sings the 109th psalm--Item, of the sermon, and the
anathema pronounced upon a wicked sinner from the altar of the
church.

CHAPTER XVII.

How Sidonia is chased by the wolves to Rehewinkel, and finds
Johann Appelmann again in the inn, with whom she goes away a
second time by night.

CHAPTER XVIII.

How a new leaf is turned over at Bruchhausen in a very fearful
manner--Old Appelmann takes his worthless son prisoner, and
admonishes him to repentance--Of Johann's wonderful conversion,
and execution next morning in the churchyard, Sidonia being
present thereby.

CHAPTER XIX.

Of Sidonia's disappearance for thirty years--Item, how the young
Princess Elizabeth Magdelene was possessed by a devil, and of the
sudden death of her father, Ernest Ludovicus of Pomerania.

CHAPTER XX.

How Sidonia demeans herself at the Convent of Marienfliess--Item,
how their Princely and Electoral Graces of Pomerania, Brandenburg,
and Mecklenburg, went on sleighs to Wolgast, and of the divers
pastimes of the journey.

CHAPTER XXI.

How Sidonia meets their Graces upon the ice--Item, how Dinnies
Kleist beheads himself, and my gracious lord of Wolgast perishes
miserably.

CHAPTER XXII.

How Barnim the Tenth succeeds to the government, and how Sidonia
meets him as she is gathering bilberries--Item, of the unnatural
witch-storm at his Grace's funeral, and how Duke Casimir refuses,
in consequence, to succeed him.

CHAPTER XXIII.

Duke Bogislaff XIII. accepts the government of the duchy, and
gives Sidonia at last the long-desired praebenda--Item, of her
arrival at the convent of Marienfliess.


BOOK III.

_FROM THE RECEPTION OF SIDONIA INTO THE CONVENT AT MARIENFLIESS
UP TILL HER EXECUTION, AUGUST 19TH, 1620._

CHAPTER I.

How the sub-prioress, Dorothea Stettin, visits Sidonia and extols
her virtue--Item, of Sidonia's quarrel with the dairy-woman, and
how she beats the sheriff himself, Eggert Sparling, with a
broom-stick.

CHAPTER II.

How Sidonia visits the abbess, Magdalena von Petersdorf, and
explains her wishes, but is diverted to other objects by a sight
of David Ludeck, the chaplain to the convent.

CHAPTER III.

Sidonia tries another way to catch the priest, but fails through a
mistake--Item, of her horrible spell, whereby she bewitched the
whole princely race of Pomerania, so that, to the grievous sorrow
of their fatherland, they remain barren even unto this day.




BOOK I.

FROM THE RECEPTION OF SIDONIA AT THE DUCAL COURT OF WOLGAST UNTIL
HER BANISHMENT THEREFROM.


SIDONIA THE SORCERESS




CHAPTER I.

_Of the education of Sidonia._


The illustrious and high-born prince and lord, Bogislaff,
fourteenth Duke of Pomerania, Prince of Cassuben, Wenden, and
Rugen, Count of Guezkow, Lord of the lands of Lauenburg and Butow,
and my gracious feudal seigneur, having commanded me, Dr. Theodore
Ploennies, formerly bailiff at the ducal court, to make search
throughout all the land for information respecting the world-famed
sorceress, Sidonia von Bork, and write down the same in a book, I
set out for Stargard, accompanied by a servant, early one Friday
after the _Visitationis Mariae_, 1629; for, in my opinion, in
order to form a just judgment respecting the character of any one,
it is necessary to make one's self acquainted with the
circumstances of their early life; the future man lies enshrined
in the child, and the peculiar development of each individual
nature is the result entirely of education. Sidonia's history is a
remarkable proof of this. I visited first, therefore, the scenes
of her early years; but almost all who had known her were long
since in their graves, seeing that ninety years had passed since
the time of her birth. However, the old inn-keeper at Stargard,
Zabel Wiese, himself very far advanced in years (whom I can
recommend to all travellers--he lives in the Pelzerstrasse), told
me that the old bachelor, Claude Uckermann of Dalow, an aged man
of ninety-two years old, was the only person who could give me the
information I desired, as in his youth he had been one of the many
followers of Sidonia. His memory was certainly well nigh gone from
age, still all that had happened in the early period of his life
lay as fresh as the Lord's Prayer upon his tongue. Mine host also
related some important circumstances to me myself, which shall
appear in their proper place.

I accordingly proceeded to Dalow, a little town half a mile from
Stargard, and visited Claude Uckermann. I found him seated by the
chimney corner, his hair as white as snow. "What did I want? He
was too old to receive strangers; I must go on to his son Wedig's
house, and leave him in quiet," &c. &c. But when I said that I
brought him a greeting from his Highness, his manner changed, and
he pushed the seat over for me beside the fire, and began to chat
first about the fine pine-trees, from which he cut his
firewood--they were so full of resin; and how his son, a year
before, had found an iron pot in the turf moor under a tree, full
of bracelets and earrings, which his little grand-daughter now
wore.

Letter: Gender roles in the Cinderella story

Doctors assure us that wherever you find an elderly, pompous old writer long past his prime you will find a bottle of scotch nearby. If only that were the case. Hilly hid mine after I fell up the stairs when I came home from the Garrick yesterday, and I've had to make do with a bottle of Blue Nun I found in the maid's parlour. Not that I am an alcoholic. Dipsomaniacs are a breed of the lower orders you meet on street corners: people like myself are bon viveurs who happen to like a drink. Or 12.

My primary observation is that drinking makes the daily grind of dealing with people so much easier. You drink a pint of whisky and become the life and soul of the party. You then start insulting people, before sweating heavily and wetting yourself involuntarily. You will usually find that everyone quickly avoids you, thereby relieving you of the need to make conversation. This is why I prefer to do much of my drinking at home. It saves so much time.

There are a great many drinks on the market - spirits, wines and beers - and I've probably drunk them all. Usually in some kind of combination with one another. Mixing cocktails is one of my favourite hobbies. Here's one I invented last week for my great sycophant, Christopher Hitchens.

The Hitch

One bottle of Babycham

One bottle of absinthe

Five shots of Angostura very bitters

Two tablespoons of bile

Two or three glasses of this tincture can give you a lifetime of self-satisfaction.

At some time you will probably be forced to invite people to your home and they may expect a drink. My advice is to offer them the cheapest tipple you can find; my local off-licence does a ghastly Mosel at 70p a bottle. I've never cared for even the best wines, and this should guarantee those poncing off you neither ask for top-ups nor stay long, thereby leaving you more money and time for the pub.

It is well known that only the very dullest of petit-bourgeois minds fail to over-imbibe on a daily basis, so I regard hangovers as a price worth paying for my brilliance. That said, I have found ways of coping with this metaphysical malaise. The first is to fuck someone; preferably somebody else's wife, but if your own is the only one around then she will do. The second is to read a book by that little shit Mart; it will either remind you you're not that bad a writer or give you some sleep.

The one downside to drinking is that it can make you fat. This is remedied by cutting out food entirely and drinking all spirits without mixers. My weight has gone down to 19st with this diet. There isn't much more to say, but as I'm being paid by the column I'd better repeat myself. And now that I'm dead, there's no harm in Bloomsbury repackaging the same material several times in the same collection.

I don't really like wine. Gin is for pansies, though a snifter with water doesn't go amiss. Liqueurs are best left to patent-shoed Wops. Or Americans. Champagne is an overrated girl's drink, though it can be drunk with any food; as such, it's a perfect breakfast drink because a scotch before 10am is very non-U.

I loathe pubs with loud music, but my utmost detestation is reserved for sanctimonious ex-topers. There's nothing worse than a man who doesn't drink. I once tried not drinking for several hours and my wives and mistresses said how dull it was that I was conscious and they were spared removing my soiled trousers from my bloated legs.

Whisky is my favourite tipple, though I recommend never giving it to a Welshman as it's wasted on someone with an IQ of less than 80. Have I mentioned that I'm partial to a Macallan? Gosh is that the time? Hilly's coming to change my IV drip before I fall unconscious again. The publisher can bloody well pad out the rest of the book with a pointless quiz without me.

Q: Who will buy this?

A: No one.

The digested read digested: The old pub bore.

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Jury clears judge of libelling mother
Sales of 'misery memoirs' fall after they boomed beyond all expectations since Dave Pelzer wrote A Child Called It

Constance Briscoe wins Ugly libel case

A judge who was sued for libel by her mother over allegations of childhood cruelty and neglect in her bestselling "misery memoir" won her case yesterday.

Constance Briscoe burst into tears at the high court in London as a jury unanimously cleared her and publishers Hodder & Stoughton over the claims in Ugly, which her mother Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, 74, had alleged were a "piece of fiction".

During the 10-day trial, Briscoe, 51, who was one of the first black women judges in the UK, told the court her mother repeatedly beat her with a stick for bed-wetting and called her a "dirty little whore", a "potato-head" and "miss piss-a-bed".

She described trying to kill herself by drinking diluted bleach after failing to get taken into care, and told the jury she used a university grant to have plastic surgery to remove the "ugliness" her mother had taunted her over.

Briscoe, of Clapham, south London, also said that when she was nine, her mother had deliberately cut her on the inside of her arm with a knife in a row over the preparation of a chicken.

Ugly, published in 2006, has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK. Briscoe and Hodder & Stoughton had denied libel and said the book was substantially true. Andrew Caldecott QC, for Briscoe, said the events occurred between 1964 and 1975.

Briscoe-Mitchell, from Southwark, south-east London, left court without making any immediate comment about her legal defeat. During the trial she had denied all the allegations of verbal and physical abuse and claimed she and her daughter had enjoyed a loving relationship within a happy family.

Her counsel, William Panton, told the jury Briscoe was "spinning a yarn", claiming his client had struggled to bring up her 11 children and had provided for them equally to the best of her ability.

Outside court, Briscoe told reporters she was "very happy" with the jury's verdict, which came after more than a day of deliberation.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me," she said. "Now I just want to get on with my career. I would like to thank all my readers who have sent me messages of support, including the very many children who provided helpful advice.

"I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors it should never be swept under the carpet."

Hodder & Stoughton said it was pleased with the verdict. "We are very proud to be Constance Briscoe's publisher," a statement said. "Her books Ugly and Beyond Ugly have touched hundreds of thousands of readers, many of them children. Sadly, as we know from the news over the past few weeks, child abuse is all too common and nothing and no one should ever stand in the way of the truth."

Asked during the trial why she wrote the book, Briscoe said: "I didn't believe for a split second that I owed my mother a bond of silence. I don't. I had a story to tell and that story really is that I, someone who from dirt poverty, from absolutely nowhere, with absolutely no assistance whatsoever, who faced adversity at every turn, could come through."

The court heard she had cleaned offices for two hours every day before school until her studies took her to Newcastle University, the criminal bar and, eventually, to become one of the country's few black women judges.

"I wanted to say to whoever read the book ... you can be whatever you want to be," Briscoe said. "You just have to believe in yourself ... you do not have to be posh or privileged to be at the Bar.

"You just need to believe in yourself and I truly, truly believe that my book has done an enormous amount of good."

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