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The Dramatic Values in Plautus by William Wallace Blancke

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i"?University of Pennsylvania

The Dramatic Values in Plautus

By

Wilton Wallace BlanckA(C), A.M., Ph.D.
Professor of Latin in the Central High School of Philadelphia

A Thesis

Presented to the Faculty of the Graduate School in partial fulfillment
of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy

1918




Foreword



This dissertation was written in 1916, before the entrance of the United
States into The War, and was presented to the Faculty of the University of
Pennsylvania as a thesis for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy. Its
publication at this time needs no apology, for it will find its only
public in the circumscribed circle of professional scholars. They at least
will understand that scholarship knows no nationality. But in the fear
that this may fall under the eye of that larger public, whose interests
are, properly enough, not scholastic, a word of explanation may prove a
safeguard.

The Germans have long been recognized as the hewers of wood and drawers of
water of the intellectual world. For the results of the drudgery of minute
research and laborious compilation, the scholar must perforce seek German
sources. The copious citation of German authorities in this work is, then,
the outcome of that necessity. I have, however, given due credit to German
criticism, when it is sound. The French are, generically, vastly superior
in the art of finely balanced critical estimation.

My sincere thanks are due in particular to the Harrison Foundation of the
University for the many advantages I have received therefrom, to
Professors John C. Rolfe and Walton B. McDaniel, who have been both
teachers and friends to me, and to my good comrades and colleagues,
Francis H. Lee and Horace T. Boileau, for their aid in editing this essay.

Wilton Wallace BlanckA(C).
1918.




Part 1

A RA(C)sumA(C) of the Criticism and of the Evidence Relating to the Acting
of Plautus




Introduction



This investigation was prompted by the abiding conviction that Plautus as
a dramatic artist has been from time immemorial misunderstood. In his
progress through the ages he has been like a merry clown rollicking
amongst people with a hearty invitation to laughter, and has been rewarded
by commendation for his services to morality and condemnation for his
buffoonery. The majority of Plautine critics have evinced too serious an
attitude of mind in dealing with a comic poet. However portentous and
profound his scholarship, no one deficient in a sense of humor should
venture to approach a comic poet in a spirit of criticism. For criticism
means appreciation.

Furthermore, the various estimates of our poet's worth have been as
diversified as they have been in the main unfair. Alternately lauded as a
master dramatic craftsman and vilified as a scurrilous purveyor of
unsavory humor, he has been buffeted from the top to the bottom of the
dramatic scale. More recent writers have been approaching a saner
evaluation of his true worth, but never, we believe, has his real position
in that dramatic scale been definitely and finally fixed; because
heretofore no attempt has been made at a complete analysis of his
dramatic, particularly his comic, methods. It is the aim of the present
dissertation to accomplish this.

I doubt not that from the inception of our acquaintance with the pages of
Plautus we have all passed through a similar experience. In the beginning
we have been vastly diverted by the quips and cranks and merry wiles of
the knavish slave, the plaints of love-lorn youth, the impotent rage of
the baffled pander, the fruitless growlings of the hungry parasite's
belly. We have been amused, perhaps astonished, on further reading, at
meeting our new-found friends in other plays, clothed in different names
to be sure and supplied in part with a fresh stock of jests, but still
engaged in the frustration of villainous panders, the cheating of harsh
fathers, until all ends with virtue triumphant in the establishment of the
undoubted respectability of a hitherto somewhat dubious female
character.[1]

Our astonishment waxes as we observe further the close correspondence of
dialogue, situation and dramatic machinery. We are bewildered by the
innumerable asides of hidden eavesdroppers, the inevitable recurrence of
soliloquy and speech familiarly directed at the audience, while every once
in so often a slave, desperately bent on finding someone actually under
his nose, careens wildly cross the stage or rouses the echoes by
unmerciful battering of doors, meanwhile unburdening himself of lengthy
solo tirades with great gusto;[2] and all this dished up with a sauce of
humor often too racy and piquant for our delicate twentieth-century
palate, which has acquired a refined taste for suggestive innuendo, but
never relishes calling a spade by its own name.

If we have sought an explanation of our poet's gentle foibles in the
commentaries to our college texts, we have assuredly been disappointed.
Even to the seminarian in Plautus little satisfaction has been vouchsafed.
We are often greeted by the enthusiastic comments of German critics, which
run riot in elaborate analyses of plot and character and inform us that we
are reading _Meisterwerke_ of comic drama.[3] Our perplexity has perhaps
become focused upon two leading questions; first: "What manner of drama is
this after all? Is it comedy, farce, opera bouffe or mere extravaganza?"
Second: "How was it done? What was the technique of acting employed to
represent in particular the peculiarly extravagant scenes?"[4]

There is an interesting contrast between the published editions of Plautus
and Bernard Shaw. Shaw's plays we find interlaced with an elaborate
network of stage direction that enables us to visualize the movements of
the characters even to extreme minutiae. In the text of Plautus we find
nothing but the dialogue, and in the college editions only such
editorially-inserted "stage-business" as is fairly evident from the spoken
lines. The answer then to our second question: "How was it done?", at
least does not lie on the surface of the text.

For an adequate answer to both our questions the following elements are
necessary; first: a digest of Plautine criticism; second: a rA(C)sumA(C) of the
evidence as to original performances of the plays, including a
consideration of the audience, the actors and of the gestures and
stage-business employed by the latter; third: a critical analysis of the
plays themselves, with a view to cataloguing Plautus' dramatic methods. We
hope by these means to obtain a conclusive reply to both our leading
questions.



ASec.1. Critics of Plautus


Plautine criticism has displayed many different angles. As in most things,
time helps resolve the discrepancies. The general impression gleaned from
a survey of the field is that in earlier times over-appreciation was the
rule, which has gradually simmered down, with occasional outpourings of
denunciation, to a healthier norm of estimation.

Even in antiquity the wiseacres took our royal buffoon too seriously.
Stylistically he was translated to the skies. [Sidenote: Cicero] Cicero[5]
imputes to him "iocandi genus, ... elegans, urbanum, ingeniosum, facetum."
[Sidenote: Aelius Stilo] Quintilian[6] quotes: "Licet Varro Musas Aelii
Stilonis sententia Plautino dicat sermone locuturas fuisse, si latine
loqui vellent." [Sidenote: Gellius] The paean is further swelled by
Gellius, who variously refers to our hero as "homo linguae atque
elegantiae in verbis Latinae princeps,"[7] and "verborum Latinorum
elegantissimus,"[8] and "linguae Latinae decus."[9] [Sidenote: Horace] If
our poet is scored by Horace[10] it is probably due rather to Horace's
affectation of contempt for the early poets than to his true convictions;
or we may ascribe it to the sophisticated metricist's failure to realize
the existence of a "Metrica Musa Pedestris." As Duff says (_A Literary
History of Rome_, p. 197), "The scansion of Plautus was less understood in
Cicero's day than that of Chaucer was in Johnson's." (Cf. Cic. _Or._ 55.
184.)

[Sidenote: Euanthius] We have somewhat of a reaction, too, against the
earlier chorus of praise in the commentary of Euanthius,[11] who condemns
Plautus' persistent use of direct address of the audience. If it is true,
as Donatus[12] says later: "Comoediam esse Cicero ait imitationem vitae,
speculum consuetudinis, imaginem veritatis," we find it hard to understand
Cicero's enthusiatic praise of Plautus, as we hope to show that he is very
far from measuring up to any such comic ideal as that laid down by Cicero
himself.

But of course these ancient critiques have no appreciable bearing on our
argument and we cite them rather for historical interest and
retrospect.[13] [Sidenote: Festus] [Sidenote: Brix] While Festus[14] makes
a painful effort to explain the location of the mythical "Portus Persicus"
mentioned in the _Amph._,[15] Brix[16] in modern times shows that there is
no historical ground for the elaborate mythical genealogy in _Men._ 409
ff. We contend that "Portus Persicus" is pure fiction, as our novelists
refer fondly to "Zenda" or "Graustark," while the _Men._ passage is a
patent burlesque of the tragic style.[17]

[Sidenote: Becker] On the threshold of what we may term modern criticism
of Plautus we find W.A. Becker, in 1837, writing a book: "De Comicis
Romanorum Fabulis Maxime Plautinis Quaestiones." Herein, after deploring
the neglect of Plautine criticism among his immediate predecessors and
contemporaries, he attempts to prove that Plautus was a great "original"
poet and dramatic artist. Surely no one today can be in sympathy with such
a sentiment as the following (Becker, p. 95): "Et Trinummum, quae ita
amabilibus lepidisque personis optimisque exemplis abundat, ut quoties eam
lego, non comici me poetae, sed philosophi Socratici opus legere mihi
videar." I believe we may safely call the _Trinummus_ the least Plautine
of Plautine plays, except the _Captivi_, and it is by no means so good a
work. The _Trinummus_ is crowded with interminable padded dialogue,
tiresome moral preachments, and possesses a weakly motivated plot; a
veritable "Sunday-school play."

But Becker continues: "Sive enim seria agit et praecepta pleno
effundit penu, ad quae componere vitarn oporteat; in sententiis quanta
gravitas, orationis quanta vis, quam probe et meditate cum hominum ingenia
moresque novisse omnia testantur." We feel sure that our Umbrian fun-maker
would strut in public and laugh in private, could he hear such an encomium
of his lofty moral aims. For it is our ultimate purpose to prove that
fun-maker Plautus was primarily and well-nigh exclusively a fun-maker.

[Sidenote: Weise] K. H. Weise, in "Die Komodien des Plautus, kritisch nach
Inhalt und Form beleuchtet, zur Bestimmung des Echten und Unechten in den
einzelnen Dichtungen" (Quedlinburg, 1866), follows hard on Becker's heels
and places Plautus on a pinnacle of poetic achievement in which we
scarcely recognize our apotheosized laugh-maker. Every passage in the
plays that is not artistically immaculate, that does not conform to the
uttermost canons of dramatic art, is unequivocally damned as "unecht." In
his Introduction (p. 4) Weise is truly eloquent in painting the times and
significance of our poet. With momentary insight he says: "Man hat an ihm
eine immer frische und nie versiegende Fundgrabe des Achten Volkswitzes."
But this is soon marred by utterances such as (p. 14): "FAnde sich also in
der Zahl der Plautinischen Komodien eine Partie, die mit einer andern in
diesen Hinsichten in bedeutendem Grade contrastirte, so konnte man sicher
schliessen, dass beide nicht von demselben Verfasser sein kAnnten." He
demands from Plautus, as _ein wahrer Poet_, "Congruenz, und richtige
innere Logik harmonische Construction" (p. 12), and finally declares
(p. 22): "Interesse, Character, logischer Bau in der Zusammensetzung,
Naturlichkeit der Sprache und des Witzes, Rythmus und antikes Idiom des
Ausdrucks werden die Kriterien sein mussen, nach dem wir uber die
Vortrefflichkeit und PlautinitAt plautinischer StA1/4cke zu entscheiden
haben."

On this basis he ruthlessly carves out and discards as "unecht" every
passage that fails to conform to his amazing and extravagant ideals, in
the belief that "der Achte Meister Plautus konnte nur Harmonisches, nur
Vernunftiges, nur Logisches, nur relativ Richtiges dichten" (p. 79),
though even Homer nods. The _Mercator_ is banned _in toto_. To be sure,
Weise somewhat redeems himself by the statement (p. 29 f.): "Plautus
bezweckte ... lediglich nur die eigentliche und wirksamste Belustigung des
Publicums." But how he reconciles this with his previously quoted
convictions and with the declaration (p. 16): "Plautus ist ein sehr
religioser, sehr moralischer Schriftsteller," it is impossible to grasp,
until we recall that the author is a German.

[Sidenote: Langen] Such criticism stultifies itself and needs no
refutation; certainly not here, as P. Langen in his _Plautinische Studien_
(_Berliner Studien_, 1886; pp. 90-91) has conclusively proved that the
inconsistent is a feature absolutely germane to Plautine style, and has
collected an overwhelming mass of "Widerspruche, Inkonsequenzen und
psychologische Unwahrscheinlichkeiten" that would question the
"Plautinity" of every other line, were we to follow Weise's precepts.
Langen too uses the knife, but with a certain judicious restraint.

We insist that the attempt to explain away every inconsistency as spurious
is a sorry refuge.

[Sidenote: Langrehr] Langrehr in _Miscellanea Philologica_ (Gottingen,
1876), under the caption _Plautina_[18] gives vent to further solemn
Teutonic carpings at the plot of the _Epidicus_ and argues the play a
_contaminatio_ on the basis of the double intrigue. He is much exercised
too over the mysterious episode of 'the disappearing flute-girl.'

Langen, who is in the main remarkably sane, refutes these conclusions
neatly.[19] How Weise and his confrA"res argue Plautus such a super-poet,
in view of the life and education of the public to whom he catered, let
alone the evidence of the plays themselves, and their author's status as
mere translator and adapter, must remain an insoluble mystery. The simple
truth is that a playwright such as Plautus, having undertaken to feed a
populace hungry for amusement, ground out plays (doubtless for a
living),[20] with a wholesome disregard for niceties of composition,
provided only he obtained his _sine qua non_--the laugh.[21]

[Sidenote: Lessing] In our citation of opinions we must not overlook that
impressive mile-stone in the history of criticism, the discredited but
still great Lessing. In his "Abhandlung von dem Leben und den Werken des
M. Accius Plautus" Lessing deprecates the harsh judgment of Horace and
later detractors of our poet in modern times. Lessing idealizes him as the
matchless comic poet. That the _Captivi_ is "das vortrefflichste StA1/4ck,
welches jemals auf den Schauplatz gekommen ist," as Lessing declares in
the Preface to his translation of the play, is an utterance that leaves us
gasping.

[Sidenote: Dacier] But Lessing's idea of the purpose of comedy is a
combination of Aristotelian and mid-Victorian ideals: "die Sitten der
Zuschauer zu bilden und zu bessern, ... wenn sie nAmlich das Laster
allezeit unglA1/4cklich und die Tugend am Ende glA1/4cklich sein lAsst."[22] It
is on the basis of this premise that he awards the comic crown to the
_Cap._[23] His extravagant encomium called forth from a contemporary a
long controversial letter which Lessing published in the second edition
with a reply so feeble that he distinctly leaves his adversary the honors
of the field. How much better the diagnosis of Madame Dacier, who is
quoted by Lessing! In the introduction to her translations of the
_Amphitruo_, _Rudens_ and _Epidicus_ (issued in 1683), she apologizes for
Plautus on the ground that he had to win approval for his comedies from an
audience used to the ribaldry of the _Saturae_.

[Sidenote: Lorenz] Lorenz in his introductions to editions of the _Most._
and _Pseud._ is another who seems to be carried away by the unrestrained
enthusiasm that often affects scholars oversteeped in the lore of their
author. Faults are dismissed as merely "Kleine Unwahrscheinlichkeiten"
(Introd. _Ps._, p. 26, N. 25.) "Jeder Leser," says he, "
darin beistimmen, dass ... der erste Act eine so
gelungene Exposition darbietet, wie sie die dramatische Poesie nur
aufweisen kann." Such a statement must fall, by weight of exaggeration. In
appreciation of the portrayal of the name-part he continues: "Mit welch'
A1/4berwAltigender Herrschaft tritt hier gleich die meisterhaft geschilderte
Hauptperson hervor! Welche packende Kraft, welche hinreissende _verve_
liegt in dem reichen Dialoge, der wie beseelt von der feurigen Energie des
begabten Menschen, der ihn lenkt, frAhlich rauschend dahin eilt,
A1/4bersprudelnd von einer Fulle erheiternder Scherze und schillernder
Spielereien!"

In curious contrast to this fulsome outpouring stands the expressed belief
of Lamarre[24] that the character of Ballio overshadows that of Pseudolus.
In support of this view he cites Cicero (_Pro Ros. Com._ 7.20), who
mentions that Roscius chose to play Ballio.

Lorenz in his enthusiasm exalts the _Epid._ to an ideal of comic
excellence (Introd. _Ps._ p. 27). He even goes so far as to contend that
Plautus lives up to the following characterization:[25] "Nicht blos durch
naturgetreue and lebhafte Charakterschilderungen und durch eine komisch
gehaltene, aber die Grenzen des Wahrscheinlichen und des GraziAsen nicht
A1/4berschreitende Zeichnung des tAglichen Lebens soll der Dichter des
Lustspiels seine Zuschauer interessiren und ihr heiteres GelAchter
hervorrufen, sondern auch so reiche Anwendung zu geben, durch die es in
den Dienst einer sittlichen Idee tritt, und so gleichsam die moralische
AtmosphAre ... zu reinigen."

Such emotional superlatives merely create in the reader a cachinnatory
revulsion. Yes, Plautus was great, but he was great in a far different
way. He approached the Rabelaisian. It is doubtful if "die Grenzen des
GraziAsen" lay within his purview at all.

[Sidenote: Lamarre] The treatment of Lamarre cited above contains[26] a
highly meritorious analysis of the Plautine characters, discussed largely
as a reflection of the times and people, both of New Comedy and of
Plautus, without imputing to our poet too serious motives of subtle
portrayal. But he too ascribes to Plautus a latent moral purpose: "En
faisant rire, il veut corriger"![27]

[Sidenote: Naudet] This sounds ominously like an echo from Naudet[28] who,
in the course of lauding Plautus' infinite invention and variety of
embroidery, would translate him into a zealous social reformer by saying:
"L'auteur se proposait de faire beaucoup rire les spectateurs, mais il
voulait aussi qu'ils se corrigeassent en riant." All this is
disappointing. We should have expected Gallic esprit to rise superior to
such banality.

[Sidenote: LeGrand] The celebrity of French criticism is somewhat redeemed
by LeGrand in his monumental work entitled _Daos Tableau de la comedie
grecque pendant la periode dite nouvelle_ (Annales de l'UniversitA(C) de
Lyon, 1910), in the conclusion to the chapter on 'Intentions didactiques
et valeur morale' (Part III, Chap. I, page 583): "Tout compte fait, au
point de vue moral, la I1/2I-I+- dut Atre inoffensive (en son temps)." This is
the culmination of a calm, dispassionate discussion and analysis of the
extant remains of New Comedy and _Palliatae_.

Even Ritschl fails to escape the taint of degrading Plautus to the status
of a petty moralizer[29]. In particular, he lauds the _Aul_ unreservedly
as a _chef d'oeuvre_ of character delineation and pronounces it
immeasurably superior to MoliA"re's imitation, "L'Avare."[30] This whole
critique, while interesting, falls into the prevailing trend of imputing
to Plautus far too high a plane of dramatic artistry.[31]

[Sidenote: Langen] Indeed, Langen has already scored Ritschl on this very
point in remarking[32] that Ritschl's condemnation of an alleged defect in
the _Cas_[33] implies much too favorable an estimate of Plautus' artistic
worth, as the defects cited are represented as something isolated and
remarkable, whereas they are characteristic of Plautine comedy. Langen
still displays clear-headed judgment when he says of the _Miles_[34]:
"Wenn die Farben so stark aufgetragen werden, hort jede Feinhet der
Charakterzeichnung auf und bereinem Dichter, der sich dies gestattet, darf
man bezuglich der Charakterschilderungen nicht zu viele Anspruche machen.
Es ist sehr wahrscheinlich dass Plautus mit Rucksicht auf den Geschmack
_eines_ Publikums die Zuge des Originals sehr vergrobert hat."

But Langen fails to follow this splendid lead. Without taking advantage of
the license that he himself offers the poet, he severely condemns[35], the
scene in which Periplecomenus shouts out to Philocomasium so loudly that
the soldier's household could not conceivably help hearing, whereas he is
supposed to be conveying secret information.[36] If carried out in a
broadly farcical spirit, the scene becomes potentially amusing.

[Sidenote: Mommsen] Mommsen in his _History_[37], in the course of an
interesting discussion on _palliatae_ and their Greek originals, has a far
saner point of view. He says of the authors of New Comedy, "They wrote not
like Eupolis and Aristophanes for a great nation; but rather for a
cultivated society which spent its time ... in guessing riddles and
playing at charades.... Even in the dim Latin copy, through which we
chiefly know it, the grace of the original is not wholly obliterated. _palliatae_> persons and incidents seem capriciously or carelessly
shuffled as in a game of cards; in the original a picture from life, it
became in the reproduction a caricature."

Naturally we are not concerned with any consideration of the value of his
estimate of New Comedy. Assuredly he rates it too highly, as later
investigations have indicated.[38] But here for the first time we are able
to quote a well-balanced appreciation of some essential features of
Plautine drama: a "capricious shuffling of incidents" and "caricature." In
fact it will be our endeavor to show that the _palliata_ was not a true
art form, but merely an outer shell or mold into which Plautus poured his
stock of witticisms.

[Sidenote: Korting] Still more trenchant is the conclusion of Korting in
his _Geschichte des griechischen und rAmischen Theaters_ (P. 218 ff.):
"Die neue attische KomAdie und folglich auch ihr Abklatsch, die romische
Palliata, war nicht ein Lustspiel im hAchsten, im sittlichen Sinne des
Wortes, sondern ein blosses Unterhaltungsdrama. AmA1/4sieren wollten die
KomAdiendichter, nichts weiter. Jedes hAhere Streben lag ihnen fern. Wohl
spickten sie ihre Lustspiele mit moralischen Sentenzen.... Aber die
schAnen Sentenzen sind eben nur Zierat, sind nur Verbramung einer in ihrem
Kerne und Wesen durch und durch unsittlichen Dichtung ... Mit der
Wahrscheinlichkeit der Handlung wird es sehr leicht genommen: die
seltsamsten ZufAlle werden als so ziemlich selbstverstAndliche
MAglichkeiten hingestellt ... Es ginge das noch an, wenn wir in eine
phantastische MArchenwelt gefA1/4hrt werden, in welcher am Ende auch das
Wunderbarste mAglich ist, aber nein! es wird uns zugemutet, A1/4berzeugt zu
sein, dass alles mit natA1/4rlichen Dingen zugehe.

"Alles in allem genommen, ist an dieser KomAdie, abgesehen von ihrer
formal musterhaften Technik, herzlich wenig zu bewundern.... An
Zweideutigkeiten, ObscAnitAten, Schimpfscenen ist Aoeberfluss vorhanden."

With admirable clarity of vision, Korting has spied the vital spot and
illuminated it with the word "Unterhaltungsdrama." That amusement was the
sole aim of the comic poets we firmly believe. But if this was so, why
arraign them on the charge of trying to convince us that everything is
happening in a perfectly natural manner? The outer form to be sure is that
of everyday life, but this is no proof that the poets demanded of their
audiences a belief in the verisimilitude of the events depicted. Can we
have no fantastic fairyland without some outlandish accompaniment such as
a chorus garbed as birds or frogs? But we reserve fuller discussion of
this point until later. We might suggest an interesting comparison to the
nonsense verse of W. S. Gilbert, which represents the most shocking ideas
in a style even nonchalantly matter-of-fact. Does Gilbert by any chance
actually wish us to believe that "Gentle Alice Brown," in the poem of the
same name, really assisted in "cutting up a little lad"?

Korting regains his usual clear-headedness in pronouncing 'that there is
little in the technique of _palliatae_ to excite our admiration.' Again we
insist (to borrow the jargon of the modern dramatic critic) it was but a
"vehicle" for popular amusement.

[Sidenote: Schlegel] Wilhelm Schlegel, in his _History of the Drama_[39]
has the point of view of the dramatic critic, rather than the professional
scholar; while expressing a measure of admiration for the significance of
Plautus in literature, he is impelled to say: "The bold, coarse style of
Plautus and his famous jokes, savour of his familiarity with the vulgar
... mostly inclines to the farcical, to overwrought and often
disgusting drollery." This is doubtless true, but, by making the
incidental a criterion for the whole, it gives a gross misconception to
one that has not read Plautus.

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Scottish book of the year goes to Kieron Smith, Boy by James Kelman

The barrister Constance Briscoe has won the libel case brought against her by her mother, Carmen Briscoe-Mitchell, over her bestselling misery memoir Ugly, in which she accused Briscoe-Mitchell of childhood cruelty and neglect.

Briscoe-Mitchell claimed the allegations were "a piece of fiction", and sued Briscoe and her publishers Hodder & Stoughton for libel.

A 10-day hearing at the high court in London concluded earlier today with a unanimous verdict from the jury after more than a day's deliberation. Speaking outside the court, Briscoe, a part-time judge, said she was "very happy" with the verdict.

"It is sad that my mother still feels the need to pursue me. Now I just want to get on with my career," she said. "I can quite understand why my family went into collective denial, but whilst child abuse may be committed behind closed doors, it should never be swept under the carpet."

The hearing saw Briscoe tell Mr Justice Tugendhat and a jury how her mother beat her with a stick for wetting the bed, called her a "dirty little whore" and drove her to attempt suicide by drinking bleach.

Briscoe's account of her upbringing was published in 2006 and has sold more than 400,000 copies in the UK.

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Would you have your ashes scattered in Jane Austen's garden?
American film producer to publish version of the Bible in which God says it is better to be gay than straight

The royal family doesn't need a poet

The power of Jane Austen never ceases to amaze: the myriad film and TV adaptations, the biopics, the spin-off self-help books, the novels about Austen book clubs and Austen obsessives and even, next spring, the publication of a book about "how Jane Austen conquered the world" (Jane's Fame, by Clare Harman). And now comes the just-too-weird story that deceased fans of Jane Austen have been banned from having their ashes scattered in her garden. In a letter to the Jane Austen Society, Louise West, the collections manager of Jane Austen's House Museum, wrote: "While we understand many admirers of Jane Austen would love to have ashes laid here, it is something we do not allow. It is distressing for visitors to see mounds of human ash, particularly so for our gardener. Also, it is of no benefit to the garden!" (Or is it? Surely a small quantity of fresh ashes judiciously placed beneath a hydrangea bush is just the ticket?)

Anyway, leaving aside the Gardeners' Question Time minutiae, what on earth is going on here? I like an Austen novel as much as the next person – I probably reread my way through the complete works every couple of years – but I am baffled as to why one would want to be laid to rest among the flowerbeds of Chawton. The only explanation is the currently unstoppable power of the Austen cult, fuelled by Colin Firth in a wet blouse, by Andrew Davies's adaptations, and by Hollywood. I'm all for enjoying books, but the cult of Austen has reached ridiculous proportions. In a post-feminist world that should know better, she seems to be adored as the comforting provider of romantic, happy-endings nonsense instead of the sharp and acerbic social satirist she deserves to be seen as.

(Does anyone actually believe her, by the way, when she foretells a happy marriage for Darcey and Elizabeth? I fear a woman as interesting as Elizabeth would be sorely disappointed with this standard-issue British Repressed Public-school Man - hopeless emotionally, and probably hopeless in bed.)

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